Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 I totally agree with xxoo on how to approach this. I think you have to be clear on what you were hoping to achieve by dressing up. You say it was because you figure now is the time to do it - that has nothing to do with your boyfriend and more to do with societal pressures/beliefs. Is there anything in your relationship that made you want to dress up? The way you describe your relationship in this thread alone, it sounds like your bf is really into you. So I'm wondering if you weren't hoping for a reaction he thinks is evident. As in, you were looking for confirmation that he is into you, when, really, he already believes you know this (from all the making out, from the fact it sounds like he's always willing when you initiate sex). This goes back to what other posters were saying: maybe you need words of affirmation, when he is a man of action. Were you dressing up as a way to spruce up the romance in your relationship? Very deep question, bears some thinking about. Off the top of my head, I would say that no, the act itself was not prompted by anything in the relationship. Wanting to spruce up romance of my own initiative, yes, in a way, but not in response to anything he said/did. I wasn't exactly looking for confirmation that he was into me but rather.. confirmation that I looked good and pretty to him, I guess. Perhaps I wanted too much - I wanted to both enjoy myself AND for him to like it AND express it. Demanding, aren't I? :/
Feelsgoodman Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Err, thanks for your response. Evidently the bf does not share your opinion re: simply-dressed women, otherwise he would not have pursued me in the first place, but good to hear all sorts, I guess! Sure, it takes all kinds. There are men out there who don't care about a woman's appearance (though such men are few and far in between). Then again, even their own girlfriends find it strange, as your original post demonstrates Edited December 8, 2011 by Feelsgoodman
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Sure, it takes all kinds. There are men out there who don't care about a woman appearance (though such men are few and far in between). Then again, even their own girlfriends find it strange, as your original post demonstrates Hmm, you have a point there. I genuinely like that I don't need to look any particular way for the bf to be attracted to me. That is a hugely important thing to me. But at the same time I also would like him to find it nice when I do dress up. Maybe the two attributes are usually contradictory to one another, just like the hordes of teen boys wanting a kickass female gamer who also looks like a model. Hmm.
gaius Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Surprisingly enough many men do not like it when their girlfriends start making themselves more attractive, it can bring out insecurities. Fears that they might lose her now that she's decided to move up the attractiveness ladder so to speak. I think considering your boyfriends previous dating experience he should have learned by now when it's appropriate to deliver a compliment, and the fact that he waited an entire minute to say anything means he was trying to communicate he didn't enjoy your new look.
Author Els Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) Surprisingly enough many men do not like it when their girlfriends start making themselves more attractive, it can bring out insecurities. Fears that they might lose her now that she's decided to move up the attractiveness ladder so to speak. I think considering your boyfriends previous dating experience he should have learned by now when it's appropriate to deliver a compliment, and the fact that he waited an entire minute to say anything means he was trying to communicate he didn't enjoy your new look. Thanks for your input. Yes, the one-minute silence was the major reason I had doubts. I can't find a good reason to explain that. To be fair, though, he has had only one previous R, though he was in it for many years. I don't know if he complimented her off his own bat or anything like that, either. But really, a one-minute silence? Ah, well. I don't think he has any insecurities related to that. If we are to talk solely about superficial qualities, he's a doctor, so he knows that if people are to judge in terms of 'ladders' he would be nicely placed. Fortunately neither of us believes in that crap. Edited December 10, 2011 by Elswyth
Eve Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Not much to add other than glad you enjoyed dressing up. I see little point to living unless I get to dress up. I say stay as you are with the casual thing but incorporate a bit of WOW into that look also. Casual is hot. Take care, Eve x
Author Els Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Aww, thanks, Eve. Gotta disagree with you on the living to dress up though. I don't see a point in living if I can't read and play games, but each to their own. I didn't even dress very un-casually, it was just a blouse, skirt, and heels.
Eve Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Aww, thanks, Eve. Gotta disagree with you on the living to dress up though. I don't see a point in living if I can't read and play games, but each to their own. I didn't even dress very un-casually, it was just a blouse, skirt, and heels. Yes, each to their own, lol! Except the reading bit.. no idea how anyone can live without having at least three books actively being read beside their bed. Causal to me means what you describe - low key, comfortable wear. To me it is about having fun with the actual fit of clothes to bring out the feminine side and this works great with casual clothing. So, swop the t shirt with a nice top. Accessories can really make a difference too, such as fun patterned tights. Geek chic has not gone out where I live. LOVE that look! Geek is where it is at girl. Geeks rule the world. Mostly I think it is a case of finding your style. Once you have that, great, get on with the gaming or whatever you love but yes, every now and then go full out and sex things up - especially in your twenties. I could stop traffic in my twenties... So I stand by what you are saying about exploring that side of yourself. It feels great! There are some GORGEOUS clothing ranges out there but similar patterns can be found in cheap shops/markets - the hunt for bargains is fabulous. Experiment with your hair too. The only thing I don't know how to do is make up as I was raised with the thought that it is bad for your skin, so I have never really bothered with that. What did you do make up wise? I just add a bit more mascara and wear lip stick as my side of being glamourous. Did you do anything to your nails? I keep my nails natually long, I think this is viewed as being attractive by both sexes. Theres nothing like painting your nails a new colour and matching it with what you are wearing. Man, pretty near orgasmic stuff. Blue tones can look fabulous. The Body Shop do THE best nail varnish I have come across. But yeah, glad you are having fun! It is a good test too for relationships too. I think you get to see whether your partner is possesive or not when you get glammed up. Sounds like your guy was quietly enjoying the whole thing. Take care, Eve x
Disenchantedly Yours Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I am in agreement with Gaius. BUT, if you liked doing all the girly stuff and want to keep your new look up, you can show him that you are still the same person just with different window dressing and he might grow more comfortable with it. I think that old saying kind of holds true...men go into relationships hoping that their partner never changes while women go into reltaionships happy with the challenage to change their partners.
Author Els Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Hehe, thanks for the advice, Eve. No, I won't be keeping my nails long. I type and do manual work far too much for it to be feasible. And I probably won't be buying many more clothes either - bargain-hunting is fun, but even cheap clothes add up! ...Well, maybe just a red top for Xmas. And a sweater. And... :D I really am just wondering what was up with the long silence.
Author Els Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 I am in agreement with Gaius. BUT, if you liked doing all the girly stuff and want to keep your new look up, you can show him that you are still the same person just with different window dressing and he might grow more comfortable with it. I think that old saying kind of holds true...men go into relationships hoping that their partner never changes while women go into reltaionships happy with the challenage to change their partners. A very apt viewpoint. Nah, I don't enjoy it enough to still do it if he dislikes it. The problem is I can't decide if he does or doesn't since he doesn't seem to give me a straight answer. On the one hand, he is comfortable telling me about the things he does dislike, so if he does not say anything he probably doesn't dislike it. On the other hand, if he liked it why the long silence? I think the bolded is very true! I just realized that if he himself decided to dress up more, I would take a bit of time to get used to it but I might love it after I manage to get used to it. Eh, who knows. I could possibly just do it a few more times to get more data points. No sense in wasting the other clothes I'd bought anyhow!
Author Els Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Um. You do know that even women who let their hair grow long need to trim it every couple of months to prevent split ends and keep it healthy and in shape. A woman who just lets her hair grow uncut for 2 years is most likely not going to have very nice hair.
ChessPieceFace Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Throwing this out there -- most of the time I'd rather see a hot girl in jeans and a t-shirt or blouse than a dress. I find the t-shirt & jeans hotter. Maybe it's the "girl next door" kind of thing. Or maybe I'm weird. But there have to be other guys who feel the same way. Dresses are fine for special occasions but usually I "don't care" about them either. Now if you are normally wearing dumpy baggy sweats or track clothes... that is not hot.
thatone Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 you put him on the spot by changing something. he doesn't know what's coming next, maybe you want him to change? maybe you're going to change? maybe you're not happy with your situation and are giving him some sort of ultimatum by changing yourself and expecting him to follow you? unknown = a potential threat so if you explain yourself to him you'll probably get a positive response. but changing something and then asking him what he thinks of it without any suggestion as to why the change was made is much more volatile, so to speak. all that said i don't disagree with you. there's nothing wrong with dressing a little nicer when you go out.
GildedLily Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) My gut tells me his lack of response means he didn't like it (sorry) People tend to speak from their gut almost without thinking when they plain LIKE something ex: Wow you look great! or Umm this turkey is so good! I suspect you probably still need to find "your style" . Someone who's dressed tomboyish for years doesn't automatically look amazing just because they put on a skirt and do themselves up. It's possible your BF was thrown off by an overnight change in an attempt to look sexy that wasn't your OWN sexiness but rather a contrived, stereo-typical sexy. I had to chuckle at the 20's vs 30's remark; so many people look plain awkward in their 20's and most are only "attractive" because they have youth on their side. To be hot in your 30's and beyond is a testament to truly being a beautiful woman. Edited December 11, 2011 by GildedLily
Author Els Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Update: I think most of you guys were right in the first page. I tried it again today, he complimented me and was quite, uh, frisky about it. I guess there could have been any number of reasons for the first occasion - it was a weekday and he might have been tired, he might have taken time to get used to it, etc etc. But I think I'll stop the overanalyzing here. Evidently if he DISliked it he would not have reacted as he did today, so I should just get on with it and feel free to do it again whenever I feel like it. I don't feel like I should talk at length with him about it, it seems to spoil the romance and it also seems pointless given the current observations. And.. I feel really great! Like I'd succeeded in something new. I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror in the restaurant toilet (uh, yeah, I don't have one at home) and I think I looked pretty spiffy, although not perfect. I didn't realize how much I'd been treating this as a 'mission' of sorts til now. :D Damn my goal-oriented headspace. @Chess: Well, I definitely will still be wearing the tee and jeans most of the time. I'm really not the sort of person to wear a skirt and heels grocery shopping or walking in the park @thatone: Thanks for your input. I've explained why to him, although not in so many words. And I'd never dream of asking him to change personal stuff like how he dresses, as he accords me the same courtesy.
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