Els Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 It sounds like I'm pulling problems out of my ass here, doesn't it? But really, this isn't necessarily a problem, and I'm not terribly upset or anything. I was just wondering what I should do about this. I've always been of the geek tomboy variety. I met my current bf at a video game tournament (or 'cybersports', as they like to call it ) several years ago. From what he's said, I gather a large part of the attraction he had for me was due to the passion I had for the geek-hobbies we shared, and my intellect. I dressed very simply and often quite shabbily back then when he fell for me, and although I improved a little over the years we were together, I still am at heart the tee-and-jeans sort of girl. Recently, though, I realized something - I'd always eschewed pursuit of external improvement over improvement of the mind, believing that development of the mind was more important and that any available resource (time, money, etc), should be devoted to it instead. But it occurred to me that I would have my intellect for a long time to come, hopefully, most people don't experience degeneration of the mind until well into their 70s or at least 60s. On the other hand, I'm in my mid-twenties. If I ever want to look good, well, now's the time. It wouldn't be impossible to do so in my thirties or above, but it would probably be more difficult. Weird reason, I know, but I'd never had the desire to look good before this. I know most girls get it at like 11. Yeah, yeah. I know my bf loved me for my geek tomboy self, but hey, that wouldn't necessarily mean that he would not enjoy me looking feminine, I thought. I'd still be the same geeky gamer underneath - just in a nicer wrapper. So, I did some sort of makeover thing - at the thrift stores, since we pool household funds and I know he has had a bad experience with having to bail his ex out previously because she spent all the money she had on hair, makeup and clothes despite barely having enough to eat. Anyhow. For the first time in my life, I cleansed, exfoliated, shaved completely, used semi-professional conditioner, got a semi-professional haircut, bought a dress, skirt, and blouse, and a pair of heels. I wore the skirt and heels out for the first time ever with him, one night (okay, I'd done it before, but that was for the HS prom aaaages ago and he was not there to see it). He did all the right things - brought the car around for me so I wouldn't need to tread over soil with the heels, helped me down steps... But other than the initial, "Mmm" and some making out when he first saw me, nothing else changed at all! I'm not sure what I expected... some sort of compliment, I guess, since it was the first time he'd ever seen me like that, and it took quite a bit of work to get there! I received none at all. He was not any more affectionate than usual during dinner. When we got back, he did jump me for, uh, good times, but I'm not sure whether it was the clothes or the fact that I was turned on and 'subtly' let him know. In fact, I'd guess more of the latter. Here's the clincher: As we were snuggling down for the night, I did a rather bad thing (I know, I know). I fished. I asked him if I had looked alright tonight. He initially tried to evade the question with a few jokes. I scowled playfully at him. He fell silent for probably one whole minute before saying, "You looked gorgeeouuss" and breaking off into some love song. C'mon, dude... So... I guess I'm not sure where I should go from here. Perhaps my expectations are unrealistic, given that he isn't the sort of guy to be very verbose with compliments to begin with. Perhaps he did like it but didn't say it. Or perhaps he did sort of like it but just doesn't care enough about clothes to make a big deal out of it. That seems likely given how hard he fell for tee-wearing me back in college. Or.. I guess the thought that stings the most is that I genuinely looked bad. That everything I did was for nothing. But I don't get it. I couldn't possibly have looked any WORSE than I do in a tee and jeans. In fact, I chose the clothes rather carefully and studied myself in the mirror, and I thought I looked fine. I may have a small pouch on my tummy, but I'm still only 120 lbs and I purposefully chose clothes that did not showcase it too much. And I have a skin disease, which is a HUGE problem, but I did a lot of things to take care of it too prior to showing my legs in the skirt, and I really don't think the old scars show too badly. Besides, he's seen me in shorts and naked, for chrissakes.. But yeah, I can't shake the thought. I don't know whether to persevere, or save myself the disappointment and just go back to dressing scruffy all the time. It sure saves a lot of time and effort, and there's no one else I care to look good for except him.
oaks Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 For the first time in my life, I cleansed, exfoliated, shaved completely, used semi-professional conditioner, got a semi-professional haircut, bought a dress, skirt, and blouse, and a pair of heels. I wore the skirt and heels out for the first time ever with him, one night (okay, I'd done it before, but that was for the HS prom aaaages ago and he was not there to see it). He did all the right things - brought the car around for me so I wouldn't need to tread over soil with the heels, helped me down steps... But other than the initial, "Mmm" and some making out when he first saw me, nothing else changed at all! If it was the first time he had seen you dress like that then he's as much out of practice at giving compliments as you are out of practice at dressing up.
xxoo Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 . For the first time in my life, I cleansed, exfoliated, shaved completely, used semi-professional conditioner, got a semi-professional haircut, bought a dress, skirt, and blouse, and a pair of heels.. Maybe he isn't into this mainstream "hot" look? My guy isn't so much. He goes wild for some jeans and a tank (preferably with no bra ). He greatly prefers a natural look over a made-up look on me. Don't underestimate how much he is into the tomboy you! I also worried that my 20s would be my "peak"....until I hit my 30s Relax and enjoy!
aj22one Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 He probably doesn't care too much about clothes. Some (perhaps most) guys are like that. I've seen my gf in jeans, nice clothes, and traditional cultural clothes, and she looks like the same gorgeous woman every time. I think you might be making a bigger deal out of this than it really is.
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 If it was the first time he had seen you dress like that then he's as much out of practice at giving compliments as you are out of practice at dressing up. Ha, you could be right. Do you think it would get better if I just do it more often? I thought the opposite - it'd just be something 'normal' for me to be dressed up, then, not 'special', so I don't see why he would think to compliment me in that case. I guess it's true that he really is not the 'compliment-y' sort of guy, though he did say 'impressive!' when I scrubbed the shower out for the first time. Heh. Maybe he isn't into this mainstream "hot" look? My guy isn't so much. He goes wild for some jeans and a tank (preferably with no bra ). He greatly prefers a natural look over a made-up look on me. Don't underestimate how much he is into the tomboy you! I also worried that my 20s would be my "peak"....until I hit my 30s Relax and enjoy! Aww, xxoo. That could be true. But how would I know it if he won't tell me directly? This would be soooo much easier if he would just say, "I like you better in a tee and jeans". Done deal. He probably doesn't care too much about clothes. Some (perhaps most) guys are like that. I've seen my gf in jeans, nice clothes, and traditional cultural clothes, and she looks like the same gorgeous woman every time. I think you might be making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. I think I am too. But really, I have made no indication of my mental somersaults (a poster here used to call my musings that ) to him, except for that one question. I agree that it's likely he doesn't care. So in that case... back to tee and jeans for me, then?
aj22one Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I agree that it's likely he doesn't care. So in that case... back to tee and jeans for me, then? If that's how you want to dress, then yeah. But, if you want to dress up every now and then, then go ahead and do so. Whatever works best for you.
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Hmm, that's the iffy part. I did enjoy the dressing up (well, now that I have the time to do so). So that was partly for me. But I don't see the point in it, I guess, if the person I am spending the dinner date with does not enjoy looking at it. Curious dilemma.
eerie_reverie Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 If that's how you want to dress, then yeah. But, if you want to dress up every now and then, then go ahead and do so. Whatever works best for you. I'm guessing he liked it, elswyth, he just didn't know what to say. And since he also loves you in a tee and jeans he probably also didn't want to make comparisons. You're lucky you have a guy that loves you for who you are.
xxoo Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Aww, xxoo. That could be true. But how would I know it if he won't tell me directly? This would be soooo much easier if he would just say, "I like you better in a tee and jeans". Done deal. But why would he say that? You were there, you were you, and it was all good. He probably has NO IDEA how loaded that outfit was in your mind, and he won't understand even if you try to explain it. Dress up for yourself if you enjoy it! How to know what he likes....actions speak louder than words. When I dress up, my H is sort of admiring but formal. When I'm wearing the kind of stuff that triggers his strongest attraction, he's all over me
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) I'm guessing he liked it, elswyth, he just didn't know what to say. And since he also loves you in a tee and jeans he probably also didn't want to make comparisons. You're lucky you have a guy that loves you for who you are. I know, right? I really have no business feeling disappointed, in the grand scheme of things. It's just like... I wish that he would one day, just look at me and tell me that I look beautiful. He's done a lot of other romantic things, but never that. He's shown me that he finds me desirable in other ways, but usually sexual ones. :/ But why would he say that? You were there, you were you, and it was all good. He probably has NO IDEA how loaded that outfit was in your mind, and he won't understand even if you try to explain it. Dress up for yourself if you enjoy it! How to know what he likes....actions speak louder than words. When I dress up, my H is sort of admiring but formal. When I'm wearing the kind of stuff that triggers his strongest attraction, he's all over me You have a very good point, xxoo. I don't think he was even 'sort of admiring', though, in my case. At least not from what I've noticed. To be fair, I tend not to notice a lot of things, but what good is being admired if it's so subtle you don't notice it? And I have never noticed any direct correlation between ANYthing I wear and his level of attraction to me. Really, that is a good thing in a way, I suppose? I guess I just feel like I did a lot, for dubious results - I don't even know if he liked it, and I'm not even sure if he DISliked it. So I don't know if I should do it again. Perhaps I am a little over-sensitive about this sort of thing. It's like a guy getting rejected the first time he dares to ask a girl out, I guess - he feels embarrassed and all that. It's also the reason I don't do stuff like an elaborate initiation of sex (I hope I don't need to explain this ) as much as I would like to - I'm afraid of being terribly disappointed and embarrassed if he doesn't respond in a positive manner. Edited December 8, 2011 by Elswyth
azsinglegal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) So what were your expectations? If you know him not to be a verbal guy, why did you think changing your look would cause him to change who he is? Isn't this kind of a silly expectation of him that you built up and now that he didn't live up to it so you're disappointed? I say dress up more...do it for YOU if it makes you feel better. He obviously likes you for who you are in the first place. Plus, changing it up once in a while is nice. My holiday party is tomorrow and I can't WAIT to see my man in a suit. He's always in tees & jeans...it will also be the first time I've worn a dressy dress with him. I'm excited, but I don't have any crazy expectation that he'll swoon over me in it. He's not a verbal guy either. Edited December 8, 2011 by azsinglegal
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) So what were your expectations? If you know him not to be a verbal guy, why did you think changing your look would cause him to change who he is? Isn't this kind of a silly expectation of him that you built up and now that he didn't live up to it so you're disappointed? I say dress up more...do it for YOU if it makes you feel better. He obviously likes you for who you are in the first place. Plus, changing it up once in a while is nice. My holiday party is tomorrow and I can't WAIT to see my man in a suit. He's always in tees & jeans...it will also be the first time I've worn a dressy dress with him. I'm excited, but I don't have any crazy expectation that he'll swoon over me in it. He's not a verbal guy either. Thanks for your blunt honesty. That was a very good point. He's told me that I look 'nice', 'fine', or 'sexy' before, though, during our earlier years.. usually in the bedroom though. I just find it slightly weird that I do all this and none of that comes out, whereas it came out freely before when we were down and dirty (and I was unshaved, even...). But I suppose that is a rather different context! If I were to dress up 'for me' though, I would probably not do it. Edited December 8, 2011 by Elswyth
azsinglegal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Thanks for your blunt honesty. That was a very good point. He's told me that I look 'nice', 'fine', or 'sexy' before, though, during our earlier years.. usually in the bedroom though. I just find it slightly weird that I do all this and none of that comes out, whereas it came out freely before when we were down and dirty (and I was unshaved, even...). But I suppose that is a rather different context! If I were to dress up 'for me' though, I would probably not do it. I would think the fact that he pulled the car around for you and treated you like a lady and not like a pal speaks volumes for his view on how you were dressed. I have to ask how I look before he'll comment. But when I dropped my dress off at his house yesterday he said it "that's a nice dress" which made me excited to wear it. (It's this awesome red backless dress I've only worn twice and had for 5 years).
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 I would think the fact that he pulled the car around for you and treated you like a lady and not like a pal speaks volumes for his view on how you were dressed. I was feeling good about it then. That was before the one-minute silence that was prompted by my question though... Ah well. Maybe I should just learn not to prod.
azsinglegal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I was feeling good about it then. That was before the one-minute silence that was prompted by my question though... Ah well. Maybe I should just learn not to prod. I'm wondering...when you were done getting ready did you say something like, "well, how do I look?" or "what do you think?" I forget sometimes the male animal needs assistance. Maybe if you prompted him to answer early he would have? I dunno, just a thought. Btw...I've had this EXACT scenario. I know the kind of man you're dating: "Here's the clincher: As we were snuggling down for the night, I did a rather bad thing (I know, I know). I fished. I asked him if I had looked alright tonight. He initially tried to evade the question with a few jokes. I scowled playfully at him. He fell silent for probably one whole minute before saying, "You looked gorgeeouuss" and breaking off into some love song. C'mon, dude..."
Kamille Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 If I were to dress up 'for me' though, I would probably not do it. Why not? I love dressing up for me - but I have a different trajectory than yours. I wasn't into clothes until I went to university, but then went into the transformation your describe. I did it mostly because I was socialized into it by my university friends, who loved second-hand shopping and looking stylish. Now I never have the time to dress up anymore. But I love when I take the time to do it, mostly because it means I have time to do it and it makes me feel like I am taking care of myself. Otherwise, I agree with azsinglegal. I think he did show he found it fun, perhaps as much as could be expected for someone who loves you in jeans and t-shirt. You're also both in your twenties and, let's face it, you're probably pretty hot in a jeans and T. (Come on, admit it!) Women in their twenties usually look ultra feminine in jeans and a T - it's almost like the "neutrality" and "masculinity" of the outfit only up-plays some girly innocence. So it's been my experience that guys in their twenties tend to love the casual look, and don't really respond to fussier versions of feminity. But I'm willing to bet he will eventually love when you bring out the more feminine side of you. I also wonder if whatever happened with his ex plays a role in this at all. Could it be that he associates "dressing up" to negative memories of his ex? The probability of this, however, I would consider to be minimal.
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Why not? I love dressing up for me - but I have a different trajectory than yours. I wasn't into clothes until I went to university, but then went into the transformation your describe. I did it mostly because I was socialized into it by my university friends, who loved second-hand shopping and looking stylish. Now I never have the time to dress up anymore. But I love when I take the time to do it, mostly because it means I have time to do it and it makes me feel like I am taking care of myself. I guess to me, it's more of the fact that dress is something you do to show other people. If no one were to see me, I would be in a huge tee and shorts. Otherwise, I agree with azsinglegal. I think he did show he found it fun, perhaps as much as could be expected for someone who loves you in jeans and t-shirt. You're also both in your twenties and, let's face it, you're probably pretty hot in a jeans and T. (Come on, admit it!) Women in their twenties usually look ultra feminine in jeans and a T - it's almost like the "neutrality" and "masculinity" of the outfit only up-plays some girly innocence. So it's been my experience that guys in their twenties tend to love the casual look, and don't really respond to fussier versions of feminity. But I'm willing to bet he will eventually love when you bring out the more feminine side of you. Aww, thanks, K. I also wonder if whatever happened with his ex plays a role in this at all. Could it be that he associates "dressing up" to negative memories of his ex? The probability of this, however, I would consider to be minimal. This is what I was worrying about in the back of my head. I don't know if I should just up and ask him. It feels rather tasteless, and seems to spoil the fun. It really should not, since I spent less than $200 on everything (and I mean everything - clothes, shoes, razor, toiletries, bag, etc included), which is apparently less than she used to spend on one dress. Then again, I guess bad memories don't need to conform to logic.
Kamille Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 This is what I was worrying about in the back of my head. I don't know if I should just up and ask him. It feels rather tasteless, and seems to spoil the fun. It really should not, since I spent less than $200 on everything (and I mean everything - clothes, shoes, razor, toiletries, bag, etc included), which is apparently less than she used to spend on one dress. Then again, I guess bad memories don't need to conform to logic. Could it be that your worry (about the ex) made you overanalyze his reaction? I mean, to me it sounds like he was into it - but more in a "this is fun and different" supportive boyfriend kind of way then in a "wow, you look stunning" kind of way. He probably thinks you look stunning no matter what. So, I guess the question is: did you have fun doing it? If you did, than by all means do it again. Make it a point to have him bring the car around, in a joking playful way. Learn to enjoy it together. Or, maybe you didn't have fun doing it. Perhaps you didn't enjoy the process of picking out the clothes, exfoliating, etc. In this case, congratulate yourself for doing something different, learning how to do it, and store the information for further reference. I'm willing to bet playing dress up will come up handy in the future. (People get married, offices have galas, perhaps the fancy will strike you again).
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Great advice, K. So.. you don't think I should ask him before I do it again? I did enjoy it - I would not in retrospect if he didn't like the whole thing because I think at least half of the fun is the other person liking it, but assuming he is at least having fun, then yes, I did. I certainly learnt that I should not be wearing those heels anywhere without him though. Dangerous things, those!
xxoo Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Great advice, K. So.. you don't think I should ask him before I do it again? I don't see any reason not to talk about the topic, as long as it is in an "I'm curious about this" approach. I would advise against bringing it up if you are looking for a certain response. But if you don't particularly enjoy dressing up, and you are unsure if HE enjoys you dressing--just ask! Tell him that it was new territory for you, and a lot of work, and you'd do it more often if he likes it.....but probably not so much if it isn't something he's into. Keep it neutral, and see what he says.
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 I'm wondering...when you were done getting ready did you say something like, "well, how do I look?" or "what do you think?" I forget sometimes the male animal needs assistance. LOL :lmao::lmao: Maybe if you prompted him to answer early he would have? I dunno, just a thought. Wait, actually, I did ask him when I first got ready. Sort of. That was what prompted the "Mmm" and, err, certain make-out actions. Perhaps actions do speak louder than words, although we tend to make out a lot, so that wasn't a very special response. Btw...I've had this EXACT scenario. I know the kind of man you're dating: Oh, do share.
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 I don't see any reason not to talk about the topic, as long as it is in an "I'm curious about this" approach. I would advise against bringing it up if you are looking for a certain response. Thanks! Very good point. But if you don't particularly enjoy dressing up, and you are unsure if HE enjoys you dressing--just ask! Tell him that it was new territory for you, and a lot of work, and you'd do it more often if he likes it.....but probably not so much if it isn't something he's into. Keep it neutral, and see what he says. Ha, that won't work. He always tells me to do what I feel most comfortable with. If he even knew the amount of work it took, and especially that it was mostly for him, I have a feeling he would say, "Don't do it, you have better things to do with your time."
Feelsgoodman Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I wore the skirt and heels out for the first time ever with him, one night (okay, I'd done it before, but that was for the HS prom aaaages ago and he was not there to see it). He did all the right things - brought the car around for me so I wouldn't need to tread over soil with the heels, helped me down steps... But other than the initial, "Mmm" and some making out when he first saw me, nothing else changed at all! Well, what was he supposed to do? Pull out his schlong and ejaculate on your newly acquired wardrobe while moaning in ecstasy? Not sure what sort of a reaction you were expecting. I must say this is a rather odd thread. A woman in her mid-20s who has just 'shaved completely' for the first time in her life? Uhhhh...better late than ever I guess! One thing I must commend you on, however, is being on the right track. There are few things less appealing in this world than an unkempt woman (no matter how intelligent she may be). That is not to say that only looks matter and intellect doesn't. Both are equally important. Even the ancient greeks new that a healthy body houses a healthy mind. So even if your wardrobe was a bit of a disaster, don't take it to heart. At least you're on the right track. Your style will get better with time. Also, I would suggest joining a gym to get rid of the pouch. There is really no excuse for being overweight in your mid-twenties, unless you have some kind of a medical condition.
Author Els Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Err, thanks for your response. Evidently the bf does not share your opinion re: simply-dressed women, otherwise he would not have pursued me in the first place, but good to hear all sorts, I guess!
Kamille Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Great advice, K. So.. you don't think I should ask him before I do it again? I totally agree with xxoo on how to approach this. I think you have to be clear on what you were hoping to achieve by dressing up. You say it was because you figure now is the time to do it - that has nothing to do with your boyfriend and more to do with societal pressures/beliefs. Is there anything in your relationship that made you want to dress up? The way you describe your relationship in this thread alone, it sounds like your bf is really into you. So I'm wondering if you weren't hoping for a reaction he thinks is evident. As in, you were looking for confirmation that he is into you, when, really, he already believes you know this (from all the making out, from the fact it sounds like he's always willing when you initiate sex). This goes back to what other posters were saying: maybe you need words of affirmation, when he is a man of action. Were you dressing up as a way to spruce up the romance in your relationship?
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