LDR for one more year, he wants temporary girlfriend until we're together?

December 8, 2011

I'll make this short and to the point.

Age: Same age, in college. Next year is the last year. But still some time before marriage.

Relationship since: August 2009.

LDR since: January 2011.

Reason of LDR: Family moved away from that area, therefore changed colleges. He’s at my old college, the place we met. Same state.

Frequency of seeing each other since LDR: Once a month. Sometimes less.

LDR ending: December 2012. One more year.

2009: Sweet.

2010: Differences surfacing, short arguments, but made up every time.

2011: Rocky and has not been a happy year. We quarrelled over phone calls due to misunderstandings, I cry constantly about little and big issues, and we were unhappy. When he's with me during those rare times, he's perfect. We had some great physical bonding (not sex) and he's charming, sweet. That whole week would be fine, but after some time when the warmth fades again, the arguments over phone and internet start again.

July 30th this year: He started to be attracted to a girl that he has noticed before since last year but never cared about, because I was with him, and he was contented.

August 17th: He asked her to be his girlfriend (they're friends this year) and she rejected, saying she wanted to concentrate on studying.

I found out (turns out he wanted me to find out), confronted him, he asked me if he really want another girlfriend while still keeping me, would I let him? I said I don’t like the idea. So he apologized and said he won’t do it again.

I was hurt, but forgave him. After a while he started to become distant to me, replying late to my sms, and was detached. I knew something was up, and asked him but he always avoided. In the end one time I broke down and cried into the phone after a month of his coldness.

He told me that maybe we should break up temporarily, as he felt that our relationship needed a rest. He said he felt complicated and needed space for maybe two months. So I agreed. We kept some contact, and after a month he reconciled with me, but still acting a little distant.

November 13th: I found out that he had been chasing after that girl again, and this time, on 10th, she accepted him. Again I confronted him, he admitted.

This is what I got from him, the dribs and drabs of truth:

This girl is only a temporary girlfriend. He will break with her after next year's big final exam, and anyway they wouldn't last because she's 2 years younger (I'm same age with him) and he wouldn't wait for her to finish college. After the final exam, we would be together again, and he won't look for another girl anymore, since we would be together, and he has no reason to do that anymore.

His reason for wanting a second girl: He wants someone near him who can listen to his problems, and I'm too far to help. Another hidden reason: Due to the long distance, our feelings for each other are faded and too buried. The romance reignites only when we meet, and that's rare. As a young man, he wants to feel the feelings again, the feelings that we shared when we're together. He feels lonely.

But he still loves me truly, despite the buried feelings, and he didn't want to break up at all. He told me that he wouldn't get physical with her, not even hand-holding if he could avoid, and definitely not kissing. He just wants an emotional support from a girlfriend, and to get back the feeling of being in love, which was lost with me due to the distance.

I broke up with him, and told him if what he said is true, he'll come chase me back anyway after final exam, and if he's fake, we would break up sooner or later. I still want to keep contact with him, so we did, but not as much as before. He didn't want to break up, but I couldn't handle the jealousy and hurt from having to share him. And his friends will start to know that she's his girl, and I'll be forgotten. This means that even though I'm the first, and maybe in his heart is still his true love, no one outside will know about us anymore. And I'll become second fiddle.

I now want him to be a special friend, whatever, but definitely not in an exclusive relationship with him. I told him I would try to wait for the end of next year and see his decision, but for now I feel that I can cope better with the whole situation if he's only a special friend, and not my boyfriend.

What he did was wrong to me, but somehow I could understand him, that’s why I couldn’t hate him. And I didn’t leave straight away is because I have a feeling that he really mean it about wanting to be with me in the end. Some time ago, we even discussed about our future quite a lot, and he was comfortable to future commitments.

Was I right in my actions? I’m trying to move on, see the world, get to know more guys and be more confident in myself. Trying to ignore what’s going on between him and her and only playing a good friend part. But we’re putting the relationship on hold until end of next year, while he continues to date her for next year, and maybe I’ll have a fling, or stay single, depend on myself.

Please help comment and advise, thanks.

December 8, 2011

This girl is only a temporary girlfriend...

He wants someone near him who can listen to his problems, and I'm too far to help...

He will break with her after next year's big final exam...

After the final exam, we would be together again, and he won't look for another girl anymore, since we would be together, and he has no reason to do that anymore...

Does the phrase "have his cake and eat it, too" ring a bell at all?

He didn't want to break up, but I couldn't handle the jealousy and hurt from having to share him. I broke up with him, and told him if what he said is true, he'll come chase me back anyway after final exam, and if he's fake, we would break up sooner or later.

Good move -- and I believe your reasoning is spot on.

I now want him to be a special friend, whatever, but definitely not in an exclusive relationship with him.

No kidding. Why should you be making him a priority in your life when you're just one of several options in his?

I told him I would try to wait for the end of next year and see his decision, but for now I feel that I can cope better with the whole situation if he's only a special friend, and not my boyfriend.

Also a good move, but I think you should go one better.

I'd tell him that you've given it all some additional thought and that you would like to cut all contact as you'd like to "move on, see the world, get to know more guys and discover what else that life has to hold for you."

THEN DO IT.

If this guy truly cared for you he would never expect you to put up with just being his "back-up plan." YOU need to stop excusing the *****ty way he's treating you -- you don't deserve that sort of disrespect and he obviously isn't going to look out for anyone's best interests, except his own.

'Bout time you did the same, bittersweetsymphony. Yes, I know it will be hard to cut all ties, but I think you are being extremely optimistic and naive to think that "being his special friend" isn't going to be gut-wrenching for you.

As they say, it's time "you grow a pair" and stand up for yourself. Doing so will be a life-lesson for you both. But more importantly it also will do loads for your own self-confidence as being someone's "sloppy second" is not what you want out of life nor what others or yourself should ever settle for.

Best,

TMichaels

December 8, 2011

I may offer a different, non-traditional perspective.

While you're apart, if only for another seven months or so, it is perfectly rational to want a short-term relationship or to be in an open relationship while you and your significant other are separated by distance, if only to meet physical desires that the distance does not fulfill.

If you really want to work things out with him, point out to him that the door swings both ways. If he wants an open relationship, it must be understood that it is equal on both sides and that you may meet someone and be sexually/emotionally intimate with that person in his absence as well.

I have found that most people, particularly straight men and women, are not able to overcome jealousy involved in open relationships. If you want exclusive monogamy, regardless of whether you're in a local or long distance relationship, and he can't provide that, he's not the man for you.

December 8, 2011

I'll make this short and to the point.

Age: Same age, in college. Next year is the last year. But still some time before marriage.
Relationship since: August 2009.
LDR since: January 2011.
Reason of LDR: Family moved away from that area, therefore changed colleges. He’s at my old college, the place we met. Same state.
Frequency of seeing each other since LDR: Once a month. Sometimes less.
LDR ending: December 2012. One more year.

2009: Sweet.
2010: Differences surfacing, short arguments, but made up every time.
2011: Rocky and has not been a happy year. We quarrelled over phone calls due to misunderstandings, I cry constantly about little and big issues, and we were unhappy. When he's with me during those rare times, he's perfect. We had some great physical bonding (not sex) and he's charming, sweet. That whole week would be fine, but after some time when the warmth fades again, the arguments over phone and internet start again.

July 30th this year: He started to be attracted to a girl that he has noticed before since last year but never cared about, because I was with him, and he was contented.

August 17th: He asked her to be his girlfriend (they're friends this year) and she rejected, saying she wanted to concentrate on studying.

I found out (turns out he wanted me to find out), confronted him, he asked me if he really want another girlfriend while still keeping me, would I let him? I said I don’t like the idea. So he apologized and said he won’t do it again.

I was hurt, but forgave him. After a while he started to become distant to me, replying late to my sms, and was detached. I knew something was up, and asked him but he always avoided. In the end one time I broke down and cried into the phone after a month of his coldness.
He told me that maybe we should break up temporarily, as he felt that our relationship needed a rest. He said he felt complicated and needed space for maybe two months. So I agreed. We kept some contact, and after a month he reconciled with me, but still acting a little distant.

November 13th: I found out that he had been chasing after that girl again, and this time, on 10th, she accepted him. Again I confronted him, he admitted.

This is what I got from him, the dribs and drabs of truth:

This girl is only a temporary girlfriend. He will break with her after next year's big final exam, and anyway they wouldn't last because she's 2 years younger (I'm same age with him) and he wouldn't wait for her to finish college. After the final exam, we would be together again, and he won't look for another girl anymore, since we would be together, and he has no reason to do that anymore.
His reason for wanting a second girl: He wants someone near him who can listen to his problems, and I'm too far to help. Another hidden reason: Due to the long distance, our feelings for each other are faded and too buried. The romance reignites only when we meet, and that's rare. As a young man, he wants to feel the feelings again, the feelings that we shared when we're together. He feels lonely.
But he still loves me truly, despite the buried feelings, and he didn't want to break up at all. He told me that he wouldn't get physical with her, not even hand-holding if he could avoid, and definitely not kissing. He just wants an emotional support from a girlfriend, and to get back the feeling of being in love, which was lost with me due to the distance.

I broke up with him, and told him if what he said is true, he'll come chase me back anyway after final exam, and if he's fake, we would break up sooner or later. I still want to keep contact with him, so we did, but not as much as before. He didn't want to break up, but I couldn't handle the jealousy and hurt from having to share him. And his friends will start to know that she's his girl, and I'll be forgotten. This means that even though I'm the first, and maybe in his heart is still his true love, no one outside will know about us anymore. And I'll become second fiddle.

I now want him to be a special friend, whatever, but definitely not in an exclusive relationship with him. I told him I would try to wait for the end of next year and see his decision, but for now I feel that I can cope better with the whole situation if he's only a special friend, and not my boyfriend.

What he did was wrong to me, but somehow I could understand him, that’s why I couldn’t hate him. And I didn’t leave straight away is because I have a feeling that he really mean it about wanting to be with me in the end. Some time ago, we even discussed about our future quite a lot, and he was comfortable to future commitments.

Was I right in my actions? I’m trying to move on, see the world, get to know more guys and be more confident in myself. Trying to ignore what’s going on between him and her and only playing a good friend part. But we’re putting the relationship on hold until end of next year, while he continues to date her for next year, and maybe I’ll have a fling, or stay single, depend on myself.

Please help comment and advise, thanks.

i think its incredibly insensitive of him to suddenly expect you to be okay with him having two girlfriends, firstly thats just plain greedy, and did he really think that if he did find another girl that she would be okay with him having two girlfriend either?

December 8, 2011

did he really think that if he did find another girl that she would be okay with him having two girlfriend either?

That would be my question too. It sounds like he's perfectly willing to use this other girl for sex and companionship, then throw her away like a used tissue when his "real" girlfriend (i.e. you) moves closer to him. Kinda sucks for the other girlfriend, no? I bet he would let her think they were having a real, serious relationship, and then dump her and break her heart.

For an open relationship to work, everyone involved has to be aware of the situation and happy with it - not just the two people in the relationship, but also any third parties. It sounds like you're not happy with having an open relationship, and I greatly doubt that he has any intention to make this other girlfriend aware that she's only temporary, in which case he's deceiving and using her. He sounds like a total douchebag and my advice is to dump him and find someone who respects you and wants an exclusive relationship with you.

December 9, 2011

She does know about me, before she accepted him. But she probably thought that I'm his ex-gf, so she didn't ask much. And he doesn't let her know about me. Because if I'm right, she won't want to be the second fiddle either.

She didn't really want to be in a relationship, but I suppose he told her they could try, and the relationship would be light, so as to get her to agree.

Thanks for your opinions, they mean so much to me. And I agree that "the door should swing both ways"...that I should be able to fall into another "temporary relationship" if I want...and he shouldn't stop me.

It's hard for me to go totally no contact with him (I'm not very strong honestly), but I will gradually lose contact with him.

Any more advice and support, dear friends? I'm feeling slightly better now.

December 9, 2011

bittersweetsymphony,

If think you need to step back and think about what this guy is showing you -- by his actions, not his words.

He's lied to this new girl to fulfill his immediate needs and has the audacity to expect you to be waiting at the curb so he pick up where the two of you left off when he no longer has a need for her.

LOL... Is he really that stupid or that arrogant?!

He's lying, cheating and playing games with both of you. Is that the kind of person you want waste time devoting your time and attention to or the kind of person you deserve?

Best,

TMichaels

December 11, 2011

SI think you are right when you say you are getting dribs and drabs of truth. I think that you are QDN (Queen of De Nial) if you really really believe that he would only "talk" to this girl that he has been pursuing for half a year. (Where I live, an amazing number of girls get knocked up by the boy they are "talking" to.)

He's a jerk. Plain and simple. Dishonest, selfish, and manipulative. I think that you need to go NC with him ASAP, and (since you are all college students and I tend to think that all young adults in that life are on FB) I would make sure that I post very publicly on his page about your break-up and your disappointment in his duplicty and shameful behavior in cheating. Then defriend him, and block him on your cell.

December 11, 2011

What an icky story...

He is leading the girl on and if you think that he will break up with her at the end of the year, he is also successfully leading you on. This light relationship will continue and continue and one day he will wake up and have real deep feelings for her. Voilà! Surprise!! :bunny:

December 12, 2011

The most damning aspect of his behaviour is that he didn't come talk to you about it from the beginning. Like creighton0123 said, maybe an open relationship while you're apart would have worked out if you both agreed to it but he was dishonest with both of you in wooing another woman.

Don't put up with this, or you're going to get more of it in the future.

December 13, 2011

Tell him he has convinced you to do the same. Date other guys and see what happens. When he returns, get together (you may not want to) to see if you both still have feelings for each other. Sometimes you have to date someone else to appreciate the other person. Sometimes you realize what you've been missing by only dating the first guy!

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LDR for one more year, he wants temporary girlfriend until we're together?

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