somedude81 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 No, she expects him to take the hint and leave her alone. She'd probably be surprised if he said "OK, let's go out as friends then!" She didn't really mean it when she said it, she was just being polite. The only exception is if they were already friends before the man expressed a romantic interest in her. Then she probably is sincere about wanting to stay friends with him, because no one wants to lose a good friend. That's basically what I said in my third paragraph. She's too weak to flat out reject a guy, so she proposes something with the intent of making him reject it, so that he'll be the bad guy. It's BS, just say no. And still, what does she do when the guy does go along with it? All it's going to do is lead to a nasty confrontation down the line.
carhill Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 What events / activities occurred between you and these women that made you decide that you were finally good friends? As with most friendships, shared interests and mutual respect built over time, for myself generally over a couple of years. I don't make 'instant friends'. How can I tell a true female friend? The phone rings and 'hey, carhill, how ya doin?' and some genuine and heartfelt interest in the answer follows. Friendship is a two-way street, rather than 'give and let give'. Friends who send my cat treats (yep, some do) get extra points
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I have not been told that before, however if I were to then I immediately lose interest and move right along. It's toleration of things like that make you the kinda guy women don't want to date. Women like to indulge themselves in attention and sometimes like to add you to their group of "friends", but it's only for their interest not yours. If you're not interested in just friendship don't waste your time.
phineas Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I wanted to point this out, I have this mid 40's male friend that's single. He tells me this philosophy all the time, and this is how he does it. He gets invited out by this group of female friends and they have a wonderful time with him. They basically have familiarized themselves with HIM through social circles and outings/networking. HE even says, don't even ask a woman out on a date, just ask her out for a "fun and enjoyable time" with no worries of the dating pressures or worrying about having to "make your move" her , stuff like that. Just "be her friend" and let things flow naturally. Took a while, but now I think he's seeing a woman. He makes it sound like he is actually OK with being FZ'ed, and had a different perspective on interacting with women. He said with women being empowered as they are, that's the kind of approach a man MIGHT have to take. A NON-threatening approach to begin with. In the past, every woman that wanted to be just friends & I said "ok, we can be friends" then I treated her like a friend. Examples: -I didn't let her turn me into an emotional tampon, told her she's the stupid ass staying with a jerk. -i refused to be her gay shopping buddy, she became mine. - I hit on women in front of her. - She was at the bottom of the totem pole when it came to my friends & wasn't a priority. Same thing happens every time, they say they want to date but they need to "take it slow" and this usually happens right when another woman catches my interest. I was too stupid to notice the coincidence before. So these days, if I want to date them, I don't accept anything less than a date. If they give some crap about using the word "date" I bail. i'm 40 yrs old & if i'm asking her out she is probably around there also. I don't have time for attention whores or women that can't handle the word "date". I honestly have better things to do. besides, if a woman is into me there is no way in hell she'll risk me walking by waffling on a "date".
Cypress25 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 That's basically what I said in my third paragraph. She's too weak to flat out reject a guy, so she proposes something with the intent of making him reject it, so that he'll be the bad guy. She's not trying to turn him into the bad guy. She just wants to say something nicer than "I don't like you, please go away." You don't have to accept or reject her proposal of friendship (since it was not a serious offer, she's not really looking for an answer), you can just say something vague like "OK, maybe I'll see you around," smile politely, and walk away. And you'll never have to deal with her again. And still, what does she do when the guy does go along with it? All it's going to do is lead to a nasty confrontation down the line. Then why would the guy go along with it? He doesn't have to. If he makes the choice to go along with it, knowing he can't really be her friend, he has no one to blame but himself. If you can't handle it, don't do it.
ThaWholigan Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 She's not trying to turn him into the bad guy. She just wants to say something nicer than "I don't like you, please go away." You don't have to accept or reject her proposal of friendship (since it was not a serious offer, she's not really looking for an answer), you can just say something vague like "OK, maybe I'll see you around," smile politely, and walk away. And you'll never have to deal with her again. Then why would the guy go along with it? He doesn't have to. If he makes the choice to go along with it, knowing he can't really be her friend, he has no one to blame but himself. If you can't handle it, don't do it. Because usually these particular guys aren't that socially savvy. As an autistic male, I used to fall into the trap, until I started to consciously read social situations and read books on the matter to realize the intent behind words and phrases that people say. He still thinks he's in with a chance, even though he has no chance, then the girl continues in order to spare him a confrontation because she doesn't want to be the bad guy. She's hoping he takes the hint. He doesn't. So it continues until the boy confesses his love for her or something along those lines. She has to say "Oh, but I don't see you that way, you're my friend. You're like a brother to me". It might not even be like that, she may not even value your company that much, but she values your feelings enough to not want to hurt them. As a man, the best thing to do would be to notice what is happening when she says "lets be friends" or something like that. Then decide one of two things. 1) Be her friend. Don't let your attraction to her cloud your better judgement and just take it easy and light with her, and treat her like you would any of your other friends. The fact that you are attracted doesn't matter. 2) Say to her "OK, man, will see you soon". Then never contact her again.
joystickd Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 No, she expects him to take the hint and leave her alone. She'd probably be surprised if he said "OK, let's go out as friends then!" She didn't really mean it when she said it, she was just being polite. The only exception is if they were already friends before the man expressed a romantic interest in her. Then she probably is sincere about wanting to stay friends with him, because no one wants to lose a good friend. That's why its best to just say no
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Interesting side note about the friendzone for men... I think I've mentioned this before, but if you have spent a ton of time with a woman alone, being in the friendzone is not really that much different than being a relationship. You're sharing intimate things, just not having sex or physical touch. I have had relationships with women that have friendzoned me that were greater than with women I've dated. Of course, I'm sure THEY haven't thought about it that way. This is actually quite true. The two women I've allowed to "friendzone " me for any appreciable amount of time felt more like girlfriends than the women ive slept with . It's pretty dumb when you think about it. Yes, but there are a lot of annoying things men have to put up with in a relationship: --her calling me up on the phone at some random time of day so she can chit-chat. --dealing with her idiot friends. --having her gossip about you to random acquaintances. --going shopping with her. --listening to her bitch about why men suck. --seeing her get jealous when I show interest in another woman. --listening to her blab all day about nothing important. and many other annoying things. At least when you're dating, you have sex to compensate for irritating female behavior. When you're friendzoned there's no sex. I'm willing to bet the majority of men would prefer to date a woman with a crappy personality than be friendzoned to a woman with a good personality. Hence the reason why guys hate friendzone.
AH1990 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I tried turning down a girls 'friend' offer. Just seemed to piss her off. Kinda confusing if you ask me. Haven't talked to her in over a month. Now she randomly calls me today at work at 2pm. I don't pick up. She texts me 5hrs later asking what time the shisha bar is open till tonight. Ummmmmmm how about CALL THEM!!!! First time she ever called me too, which is very odd of her to call me.
Author irc333 Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 I tried turning down a girls 'friend' offer. Just seemed to piss her off. Kinda confusing if you ask me. Haven't talked to her in over a month. Now she randomly calls me today at work at 2pm. I don't pick up. She texts me 5hrs later asking what time the shisha bar is open till tonight. Ummmmmmm how about CALL THEM!!!! First time she ever called me too, which is very odd of her to call me. Get this, I had a separated woman ask ME out "as friends" her marriage was on the rocks at the time...that's the LAST thing I need to deal with. She got pissy with me, when I said I didn't think that would be appropriate, since you're still married...and she got all pissy and said, "We'd just be going out as friends!!" lol Silly rabbit, that's just playing with a ticking time bomb.
counterman Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I've accepted the 'friends' offer before with a girl I wanted to date and she did not want to be friends. She didn't even try but it was my fault for accepting it and hoping she'll come around. If a girl offers friendship, she better take active participation in it and initiate things. More often than not, it means she's simply not interested. So, for future references, when I hear this, I just move on.
AH1990 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Get this, I had a separated woman ask ME out "as friends" her marriage was on the rocks at the time...that's the LAST thing I need to deal with. She got pissy with me, when I said I didn't think that would be appropriate, since you're still married...and she got all pissy and said, "We'd just be going out as friends!!" lol Silly rabbit, that's just playing with a ticking time bomb. Makes you question their motives hey? The girl in question eventually got a boyfriend, which is why I did what I did. Apparently I wasn't 'trying' hard enough. Sorry, but I was! You were just too stupid to notice. Sure as $hit, she comes back 3 weeks later and texts me something random at first, then tells me that she is single. I usually see this scenario with the younger crowd of girls. Even though the guy could be really good looking and really nice (ie. opening doors, treating her with respect), he somehow still get's $hit on! Mainly because those types of girls are used to dating guys that take advantage of them, and once they get a guy that is somewhat respectable about them, they do to them exactly what was being done to themselves.
grkBoy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I tried turning down a girls 'friend' offer. Just seemed to piss her off. Kinda confusing if you ask me. Pissing her off is the point. You showed your own inner strength as a man. You showed she can't have you in her life unless "boyfriend" is the title by your name. Too many girls will friendzone a man and literally make him her "pseudo boyfriend". The sap will take her out on dates, cuddle with her, but she will not call him anything remotely close to 'dating' and won't go any further than friendly stuff (no making out...no sex). PLUS...she'll then chase every douchebag she really wants, but wishes she had a guy who looks like him but acts like you. So she'll try to split the RL between you two...only he gets all the actual rewards and you do all the work. She'll also continually cry on your shoulder about how there's no good men out there. The ONLY time she'll ever consider you is when she's been burned enough times by enough douchebags and/or she gets knocked up. Suddenly she'll think the men she really wants won't touch her, so she's now "settling" on you. I know I make this out to be harsh on women, and not all women are like this. A strong woman will simply take the friendship rejection politely and move on without losing a moment of sleep. The immature flaky girls though will get angry like you should be "honored" to get the friendzone from her. Haven't talked to her in over a month. Now she randomly calls me today at work at 2pm. I don't pick up. She texts me 5hrs later asking what time the shisha bar is open till tonight. Ummmmmmm how about CALL THEM!!!! First time she ever called me too, which is very odd of her to call me. She wants attention. She's hoping her "womanly charms" will lure you into her fold. Stand strong. If she wants you in her life, then she's got to take the plunge and try dating you.
ThaWholigan Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Pissing her off is the point. You showed your own inner strength as a man. You showed she can't have you in her life unless "boyfriend" is the title by your name. Too many girls will friendzone a man and literally make him her "pseudo boyfriend". The sap will take her out on dates, cuddle with her, but she will not call him anything remotely close to 'dating' and won't go any further than friendly stuff (no making out...no sex). PLUS...she'll then chase every douchebag she really wants, but wishes she had a guy who looks like him but acts like you. So she'll try to split the RL between you two...only he gets all the actual rewards and you do all the work. She'll also continually cry on your shoulder about how there's no good men out there. The ONLY time she'll ever consider you is when she's been burned enough times by enough douchebags and/or she gets knocked up. Suddenly she'll think the men she really wants won't touch her, so she's now "settling" on you. I know I make this out to be harsh on women, and not all women are like this. A strong woman will simply take the friendship rejection politely and move on without losing a moment of sleep. The immature flaky girls though will get angry like you should be "honored" to get the friendzone from her. She wants attention. She's hoping her "womanly charms" will lure you into her fold. Stand strong. If she wants you in her life, then she's got to take the plunge and try dating you. You present yourself as a prize to be won rather than a simp. Now she wants to know, but she doesn't want to put herself out to get you, so shes trying to reel you back in. I get you man, makes sense
lululucy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Yes, but there are a lot of annoying things men have to put up with in a relationship: --her calling me up on the phone at some random time of day so she can chit-chat. --dealing with her idiot friends. --having her gossip about you to random acquaintances. --going shopping with her. --listening to her bitch about why men suck. --seeing her get jealous when I show interest in another woman. --listening to her blab all day about nothing important. God, what kind of women are you dating?? They sound horrible. I had a guy ask me out a few months ago for coffee. I said "no thanks" as I wasn't interested and his response was "Well, let's go as friends!" ... um, no. Another polite refusal and to this day I get messages from him asking why I won't have coffee with a friend. Blech.
AH1990 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) Pissing her off is the point. You showed your own inner strength as a man. You showed she can't have you in her life unless "boyfriend" is the title by your name. Too many girls will friendzone a man and literally make him her "pseudo boyfriend". The sap will take her out on dates, cuddle with her, but she will not call him anything remotely close to 'dating' and won't go any further than friendly stuff (no making out...no sex). PLUS...she'll then chase every douchebag she really wants, but wishes she had a guy who looks like him but acts like you. So she'll try to split the RL between you two...only he gets all the actual rewards and you do all the work. She'll also continually cry on your shoulder about how there's no good men out there. The ONLY time she'll ever consider you is when she's been burned enough times by enough douchebags and/or she gets knocked up. Suddenly she'll think the men she really wants won't touch her, so she's now "settling" on you. I know I make this out to be harsh on women, and not all women are like this. A strong woman will simply take the friendship rejection politely and move on without losing a moment of sleep. The immature flaky girls though will get angry like you should be "honored" to get the friendzone from her. She wants attention. She's hoping her "womanly charms" will lure you into her fold. Stand strong. If she wants you in her life, then she's got to take the plunge and try dating you. Couldn't have said it better! It definitely did catch her off guard when I turned down the friendship. I've got enough friends. Just have to remember that I'm nobody's 'option' or second choice. You either get all of me, or none of me. This is the message she sent: Her: Hey I realized you deleted me off bbm and I had a question. What time is the shisha bar open till? Me: I think it's open till 12 tonight. Definitely 3am tomorrow though. Here's their number, give them a call. Her: Thanks I can see right through the bull$hit she is throwing to me. She is either trying to 1) Making sure I'm still there to talk to her 2) Making it seem like she's going to go out tonight (trying to make me think who she is going out with) 3) Trying to make me jealous, and see If I will show up there to see her. Truth be told, I couldn't care less. The one thing that definitely caught me off guard was that she called me, didn't leave a message, then texted me 5hrs later asking the question. Like I said before, she NEVER calls me! And to have a 3.5week gap of NC, then try to extend out your reach by asking a question like that, just makes it seem pathetic. And to top this all off, I didn't wish her happy birthday. This was during the period of NC I was in. As for anyone or myself being a prize to be won, it's true. Anyone in this world is a prize to be won! Just depends on who you meet. Most relationships work out when both people are on the same page thinking the same thing, 'wow, he/she is a catch'. Not, 'he/she has to prove that they deserve me', if that's the case, then your not worth my time. I don't have to prove ANYTHING to ANYONE! Edited December 9, 2011 by AH1990
grkBoy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Bear in mind guys I ONLY do this to women I can't fathom anything but dating. So if it's a girl I am very hot for, and want her badly...I won't take the friendzone. If I think she's cool, gave things a shot, she wants "just friends", and I don't feel any deep emotional attachment...I'll be friends. BUT...I close the book on us EVER being "more". I won't be someone's "last resort" or "backup plan".
J_M_K Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 .....this post was inspired by the "Can the average guy really get a date" post. It seems women, once they get familiar with me, and sometimes it's not too long, when I ask them out...it's always, "Sure, but we can go out as friends" Some guys would say, "Do it, go out with her, have a good time, don't worry about the whole date thing" Others would say, "No, don't do it man...man up, take charge, and clarify you WANT it to be a date!" Past few women I've had responses, and this is REAL life thing, nothing online. Her: "You mean like a date?" Me: "Of course" Her: "Sorry, but I'm not looking to date right now, but would like to go out as friends." Another one actually said she was seeing a guy romantically, but would love to go out as friends, too. Any guys have these experiences....women just saying "Lets go out as friends"? AND have you gone out "as friends" or just left her be (which is probably what she's hoping anyway? lol) I think they are trying to throw that out at you, as a question, to see if you decide NOT to even go out with her at ALL. Everyone always asks if men and women can be just friends. It’s a question that has been around forever. I was absolutely positive that friendship could exist between opposite sexes, but then I read a post on this site. Much like myself, the blogger admitted she had thought the same thing until she found a video that changed her opinion. A few independent filmmakers went around a college campus and talked to a bunch of students. It turns out that every single girl seemed to think friendship was possible, but every guy disagreed, admitting that they would date or hook up with their female friends if they were ever given the chance. The women in the video then started to admit that their guy friends either had a crush on them or would hook up with them if they gave them the opportunity. Consider the age-old question answered. Men and women simply can’t be friends.
AH1990 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Bear in mind guys I ONLY do this to women I can't fathom anything but dating. So if it's a girl I am very hot for, and want her badly...I won't take the friendzone. If I think she's cool, gave things a shot, she wants "just friends", and I don't feel any deep emotional attachment...I'll be friends. BUT...I close the book on us EVER being "more". I won't be someone's "last resort" or "backup plan". Same here. If after I gave her a shot and I don't feel any connection or attraction, then I can be friends. But it won't ever be anything more. The girls personality is the kicker for me. Despite the fact that this girl is gorgeous, her personality needs some work. Nothing wrong with that though. But that can be a deal breaker for me. Looks aren't always everything, but they do help with the initial attraction. Personality is what keeps it going.
grkBoy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Everyone always asks if men and women can be just friends. It’s a question that has been around forever. I was absolutely positive that friendship could exist between opposite sexes, but then I read a post on this site. Much like myself, the blogger admitted she had thought the same thing until she found a video that changed her opinion. A few independent filmmakers went around a college campus and talked to a bunch of students. It turns out that every single girl seemed to think friendship was possible, but every guy disagreed, admitting that they would date or hook up with their female friends if they were ever given the chance. The women in the video then started to admit that their guy friends either had a crush on them or would hook up with them if they gave them the opportunity. Consider the age-old question answered. Men and women simply can’t be friends. What I get a kick out of are women who can't get along with other women, so they mainly try to have guy friends... ...but they keep running into the issue where guys want to date them and not just "be friends". Kind of a strange conundrum.
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Another variation of this is "I'm not looking for anything serious" or "I'm not looking for an exclusive relationship." The woman that dated my guy right before me pulled that line on him. So when he moved on and met me she tried the "we're just friends, right" routine on him. What advantage do women think that they are getting when they tell a guy that they are not looking for anything serious when 1) they are and 2) they are looking for something serious with the guy they are telling that to.
thatone Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 the simple advantage of control. they want the attention of dating but they know that as soon as they've had sex with any particular man their self control and control over that man is out the window.
jobaba Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Pissing her off is the point. You showed your own inner strength as a man. You showed she can't have you in her life unless "boyfriend" is the title by your name. Too many girls will friendzone a man and literally make him her "pseudo boyfriend". The sap will take her out on dates, cuddle with her, but she will not call him anything remotely close to 'dating' and won't go any further than friendly stuff (no making out...no sex). PLUS...she'll then chase every douchebag she really wants, but wishes she had a guy who looks like him but acts like you. So she'll try to split the RL between you two...only he gets all the actual rewards and you do all the work. She'll also continually cry on your shoulder about how there's no good men out there. The ONLY time she'll ever consider you is when she's been burned enough times by enough douchebags and/or she gets knocked up. Suddenly she'll think the men she really wants won't touch her, so she's now "settling" on you. I know I make this out to be harsh on women, and not all women are like this. A strong woman will simply take the friendship rejection politely and move on without losing a moment of sleep. The immature flaky girls though will get angry like you should be "honored" to get the friendzone from her. She wants attention. She's hoping her "womanly charms" will lure you into her fold. Stand strong. If she wants you in her life, then she's got to take the plunge and try dating you. DAMN good advice...
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) Pissing her off is the point. You showed your own inner strength as a man. You showed she can't have you in her life unless "boyfriend" is the title by your name. Too many girls will friendzone a man and literally make him her "pseudo boyfriend". The sap will take her out on dates, cuddle with her, but she will not call him anything remotely close to 'dating' and won't go any further than friendly stuff (no making out...no sex). PLUS...she'll then chase every douchebag she really wants, but wishes she had a guy who looks like him but acts like you. So she'll try to split the RL between you two...only he gets all the actual rewards and you do all the work. She'll also continually cry on your shoulder about how there's no good men out there. The ONLY time she'll ever consider you is when she's been burned enough times by enough douchebags and/or she gets knocked up. Suddenly she'll think the men she really wants won't touch her, so she's now "settling" on you. I know I make this out to be harsh on women, and not all women are like this. A strong woman will simply take the friendship rejection politely and move on without losing a moment of sleep. The immature flaky girls though will get angry like you should be "honored" to get the friendzone from her. She wants attention. She's hoping her "womanly charms" will lure you into her fold. Stand strong. If she wants you in her life, then she's got to take the plunge and try dating you. There's one other possibility, that is when you men grow a pair (sort of, or at least one) and go out and find someone who is willing to date you. Then you allow the wench to hang around like she's some close friend of yours that every date you have must then jump through hoops to please in order to be your girlfriend. And if your date doesn't make your flimsy excuse for a friend happy (which will never happen), you then think it's the new woman's problem not a problem of your "good friend" of six months. But that's because your "good friend" is trying to make sure no one dates you so that you will reconsider her. No wonder some of you men can't find a girlfriend. Edited December 12, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds
grkBoy Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 There's one other possibility, that is when you men grow a pair (sort of, or at least one) and go out and find someone who is willing to date you. This is the only part I agree with. The rest is just playing games on women and thus being part of the same problem many complain about here. Two wrongs don't make a right. I agree with having balls and backbone, but I don't condone playing games.
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