ConflictedConfused Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) This is about a long distance relationship, so please bare with me. I am not used to having long distance relationships, but have many friends and family who have met their life long partners online so I am very open minded to it. I met a guy on a video game that I played and we became fast friends. He was previously divorced (though a long time ago: she cheated on him) and married to his current wife for I believe 8 years. However, according to him their marriage had been downhill for a long time and she wasnt willing to work to try to change it. He had moved out of the bedroom and was sleeping in a different room and they were pretty much room mates that rarely talked for a long time. He was in the process of filing for divorce when we met. I knew that getting involved with a man going through a divorce was not a good idea. We were very close though, talked often, texted a lot as well. Eventually the divorce went through and he moved to his own place. He pursued me relentlessly and I was already attracted to him. It took me awhile to let my guard down, but finally i caved and let him in. We texted every day all day long and talked every night on the phone for hours. We have pretty much everything in common, always were smiling talking to each other, always laughing, never ran out of things to share or talk about. He talked about visiting me in september, but his truck broke down and he was unable to afford coming. Through october he was being doing a haunted house. He kept talking about wanting me to come visit inbetween college semesters for a week or two and would have bought the ticket any time, but we just never got around to it. Finally, he couldnt wait any longer to see me and purchased a ticket to come see me in november. He bought the ticket on like the 9th, and we were planning everything for his arrival on the 18th. I took off four days from work, we were going to hotel together and all this other stuff we had planned. Nothing changed, nothing was bad. He kept telling me, smile, only 6 days left etc. Sunday night everything was normal. Monday I had school, then work. We texted as usual. I didnt detect anything out of the ordinary. Then monday night i couldnt get a hold of him via text or on the phone which is highly unusual. Tuesday morning, a few days before he is supposed to fly in (he was supposed to arrive friday) i get an email from him telling me that he spent all night thinking about it, and hes not coming and how im sweet and adorable but we have 'communication' problems and how he doesnt think he can do long distance. I had been planning to transfer to school out there in august, and he knew this. So it woulda been only 7-8 more months of being apart with some visits inbetween. Anyways. This came out of the blue. it hit me like a bomb. We never had any issues, we never fought. We got along perfectly. We had like one or two misunderstandings because sometimes over text its hard to understand what the person meant, and that was all quickly resolved. He wouldnt take my calls, answer my emails, nothing. Finally when he did he told me i was hounding him and was ruining any chance of friendship with him. He completely shut me out and crushed me. This was the man who told me i was his dream girl, that he loved me, that he had never met anyone like me and discussed plans of our future. On thanks giving he emailed me saying he missed me and was sorry for the hurt. I tried to talk to him via text but he barely replied, making it obvious he wasnt interested in talking. Finally on saturday like 2 days later, i asked if i had misread what he meant? Thats when he dropped another bombshell. he told me hes seeing someone else, he hopes i understand. It hadnt even been 2 weeks since he broke up with me over email. Now, the past few days suddenly he is texting me and talking to me trying to repair the friendship. I was able to ask him some questions. He told me that the day he broke up with me, he went on his first date with his new girlfriend. Another blow. He had been planning to fly out to see me in 3 days, broke up with me over email, and went out the same day. He said he had only known her socially before through friends. Then the next day he talks to me even more. He even texted me out of the blue at night to say he was reading a book about relationships and how he thinks he is a commitmentphobe and how he thinks he is broken and needs to be fixed. He talked about how he 'chased' me until i stopped running and became available and then right before he came he decided 'what the hell am i doing?' which according to him, is what the book describes. and how he sees his dream girl, but then starts to see flaws in them. Now this is all very confusing to me. He still claims to love me as a friend, but now he is claiming that he had very STRONG feelings for me, but couldnt say if he could or couldnt love me not having ever come. He claims that he doesnt regret not coming because he saved me 'hurt'. What hurts is when someone who supposedly loves you dumps you, then goes on a date the same day. Am I stabbing myself in the leg here? I am torn up inside. I am so sad, my heart hurts. I get choked up and teary eyed. I cant stop thinking about him. I love this guy. Im going to be attending four year college near him soon, and its like... If he ever cared about me, why is he already with someone else? And why wasnt I worth coming to see? I dont know, this whole experience has been heart wrenching. Ive never had such a horrible break up in my life with all the boyfriends ive had offline EVER. The fact that everything was going perfect, never had a fight, was so sweet..then BAM bombshell. Its devastating that there was no warning signs. Anyone, advice please?? What do I do? Do you think ill ever have a chance with him again? Or am i killing myself? I dont know if hes talking to me because he secretly does love me, or because he feels guilty, or because he enjoys the security of our relationship and the comfort it holds. But i dont want for this to be a 'have your cake and eat it too' thing where he has her, and then me on the side for comfort. Edited December 8, 2011 by ConflictedConfused Just for clarification sake: Im 25, hes 39. Im finishing my associates degree, and transferring to the four year for my BA.
Author ConflictedConfused Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 No advise from anyone?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 It was evident extremely early in your post that there was another girl. She was there and available to him - you are not. His nosing around you later suggested that things might have cooled with that other girl (or his optimism was the only thing that was ever flying high, and she let the air out of his proverbial tires in a hurry). Men have zero interest in being your "friend" when they don't simultaneously see themselves as being in line to romance you. His own interest IN you will show you whether you have a romantic chance with him or not. At the very least, use these days to keep chipping away at the time until next August, and if he 'comes around' before then you will be much nearer to your potential move there, giving him greater incentive to maintain interest in you. You just have to wait and see... (unless, of course, you welcome a 'better offer' between now and then - which would surely be the best possible outcome)
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