4 days in - harder than I thought - miss him too much

[sachamay]

I have another thread on here with the title "breaking up for 2nd time - threatened to kill him self second time"

 

anyway i finally did it and basically hopped on a plane 12 hours later to Bali with my girlfriends which I though would of helped me but this place is full of couples which just has made things worse (dont get me wrong im still having a great time)

 

I can't stop feeling sad. It was so awful telling him it was over and driving away and watching him crying in his hands against the wall. it was heartbreaking

 

 

I tried to block it out but each day seems to get worse. I miss him a lot. he sent me a email saying NC but if i want to get back to together at anytime to just contact him and tell him. he will welcome me with open arms

 

now while thats nice to know, I also know that there is a good chance he will meet someone else soon. He is very good looking and works in a cool bar.

 

Not many girls would switch on to his negative personality as he doesn't tend to show that side of him for a good year.

 

the thought of him being with someone else kills me, it really does. Ive been having dreams about it and I wake up crying.

 

I really dont understand why I am feeling like this. When I am with him I pick all the reasons in my head why we arent working and keep telling my self I will break up with him soon, but when i have now done it im like what was I thinking.

 

I have made a break up list to remind me why I did it, but sometimes when I look back at it I think they are things we can change

 

they make him sound worse then he is, but isn't that the point. And i suppose it doesn't help that he did a lot of these things in the first two years and the last 2 years have been all about him changing and improving himself and our relationship

 

I miss him, i dont want anyone else to have him, i broke up with him still in love with him but knowing that it probably wouldn't work long term, i am 70% sure I did the right thing so why am I starting to regret it.

 

Do I just miss the company of him? the thought of him. I can't work it out. I miss my best friend thats for sure.

 

I have never broken up wiht someone before who I still loved. Its painful

 

here is my list

 

cheated on me for the first 2 years

tried to have authority over MY 4 year old child

could be patronising

could be condescending

too dependant on me (called constantly or text/email - sometimes 4 times an hour)

slapped me once

pushed me once (I dont care if it was only once)

didnt like some of my friends and family and wouldnt hold off telling me this

always right in fights (got tiring)

never did sweet things like buy me my favourite wine, or food, unless it was MAKE or BREAK (if he could tell i was thinking of leaving or trying to win me back after a break)

never offered to do things around the house, or go grocery shopping unless I asked then he would do them happily

i was always afraid to be 100% my self completely around him

 

pessimist/realist - very draining

has an off putting personality - reasons why he doesn't have a lot of friends

manipulative at times

 

in saying all these things, we had a lot of issues. i forgave him for his cheating as we both had issues then and he had spent the past 2 years having to pay for it, continous therapy, it was tough for us. but i do believe he would never do that again and it changed him a lot and matured him. but even after this i still had all the other issues that we seemed to be forever working on. we did have good times together, lots of nice evenings, dinners, movies park times, etc but we would fight about something at least once a week

Edited December 8, 2011 by sachamay
added text

[mike588]

Wow that's quite a list and feel you did the right thing,,you don't need all that crap.

 

Funny as I was reading it I was shaking my head thinking I NEVER did any of those bad things,cheating,slapping etc. and I did help around the house without her having to ask but she still dumped me.

 

I just amazes me how bad some men treat their women yet they are still in love with them,want them back,put up with the crap yet the good guys who treat their partner with respect and love,,, well they just don't seem to care after the breakup.

 

Oh well her loss.

Edited December 8, 2011 by mike588

[othersideofthepillow]

You know i was actually gonna tell you that you need to give it another try since you still love this man.....UNTIL......

 

 

here is my list

 

cheated on me for the first 2 years

tried to have authority over MY 4 year old child

could be patronising

could be condescending

too dependant on me (called constantly or text/email - sometimes 4 times an hour)

slapped me once

pushed me once (I dont care if it was only once)

didnt like some of my friends and family and wouldnt hold off telling me this

always right in fights (got tiring)

never did sweet things like buy me my favourite wine, or food, unless it was MAKE or BREAK (if he could tell i was thinking of leaving or trying to win me back after a break)

never offered to do things around the house, or go grocery shopping unless I asked then he would do them happily

i was always afraid to be 100% my self completely around him

 

pessimist/realist - very draining

has an off putting personality - reasons why he doesn't have a lot of friends

manipulative at times

 

Seriously...?????

 

Maybe the "good" list you have that you didnt post severely out weighs this one - but seriously how the hell could it!?

 

I agree with the poster above. I never did a single one of the things on your list. I even offered to go grocery shopping, spend time with her (ex) family to become closer with them, clean up around the house and she said no dont worry about it. Than after she broke it off said i was a stranger to her family. go figure. Some woman get treated like dirt, get walked on over and over and yet they still want to go back to these people. Notice how i didnt say MAN - these are not the actions of a man. These are the actions of a boy. I understand the pain that you are going through but seriously - this boy has issues that need to be taken care of before he's with any woman let alone a single mother.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds mean or harsh and i get your feelings - I DO. look inside yourself and ask yourself this question...if you did all those things to him would you really expect for him to want to continue to be with you? Only you can decide what is best for you but in my opinion i believe that you need to have all of his issues fixed before even thinking about getting back together.

 

Btw him "working" on his issues shouldnt take years - when a man decides to fix something - he fixes it...might take a few weeks or even a months or two but 1...2+ years....he's not fixing anything.

 

Again sorry if i come of harsh but im just letting you know from a guys point of view

[sachamay]

No thankyou so much for responding. What you said is what I need to hear

 

It really tough, I was basically in an emotional abusive relationship 30% of the time and I know its the same with a lot of women who are in the same situation, where you know what they are doing is wrong but because you love them its hard to leave

 

I KNOW i deserve better and he doesn't deserve me, no matter how much he tried to change. He shouldn't of done it to begin with.

 

He was basically a rebound relationship which grew. He had been seeing a girl before he met me, then started seeing me and continued to see the other girl a couple times a month for the next two years while slowly building something with me. Our relationship wasn't very serious for those two years but I still thought I was the only one!!

 

Anyway that put aside, even just one of the things he did is enough to walk away I believe. I tried to do it so many times and when I would do it, he would not leave me alone until I took him back. he would even camp out the front of my house singing stupid songs. it was weird

 

anyway I suppose I was vulnerable and just needed someone there and i focused on the good times and just stuck it through

 

it was a bad mistake because i really became attached to him and his bad ways even though i knew I would have to leave one day

 

so my issue is even though he was a dick and hurt me and our relationship was always going to fail, I still miss him because I did love him. I tried so many things to fall out of love with him but nothing worked. It lessened but never went away. So im missing some I love who I know I can never go back to because I deserve better

 

its still hard I know in a couple months or in time I will be feeling better maybe even met someone else and I will realise it was all for the better

 

but right now I just miss someone I used to see everyday and speak to abut all my problems and life details. It was hard because the last few months he was basically a perfect partner. he had changed so much, his therapy had paid off, he was helpful, our communication wasn't hindered. he gave me the respect i deserved, I could say i wanted anything, he would do it. I even told him I felt a little uncomfortable with his work and he quit his job because he just wanted things to be good with us, and for me to feel secure, etc

 

it was tough because I finally had a partner that treated me how I deserved to be treated but it felt like it was at my expense. we had been though so much to get there and i felt i couldn't forget things even though things were so much better now. I had stood up for my self in what I wantedin the relationship and what wasn't going to be tolerated, etc and we had worked through these things and yet when I finally had it all sorted it was like but I still feel like something is missing

[othersideofthepillow]

in response to your updated post. here's my next question for you:

 

if you feel that you can forgive the past (as awful as it was with the things that he did - inexcusable for any many to do) and if he became a perfect partner, why did you end it? You say that you wanted him to change the areas that he was lacking at but than when he did (regardless of the amount of time it took) you felt that it was at your expense?

 

Only you know if he really changed or not. We all on here are just strangers that can give each other advice from the outside looking in - but IF he did actually change - who cares if it was because of you. You should be happy with the fact that the CHANGE actually happened. So many of us on here hope/pray/wish/need or ex/current partners to change but never have them do it. Your ex did. Take that as a sign for how much he wants it to work between you.

 

I still have a hard time even saying to go back or give it another try with a boy that would do those things to someone (your list), but i believe in second chances, i believe people change, i believe giving it everything you have and never wonder what if.

[sachamay]

Thankyou for the reply. Although it kind of sounded like what my said to me when I ended it. About the whole second chance. When I say at my expense I mean it's great that he has changed but it took him hurting me emotionally fir him to realize his mistakes and I had trouble getting past the hurt

 

I basically broke up with him because :

1. I still couldn't forgive him 100% ( he argued this takes time and he will be by my side how ever long it takes and will do what ever I need him to do to help me get to 100% which was actioned quite a few times)

2. I still didn't have all the trust back that I believed I needed

3. I was still not sure if had really changed for good or just short term

4. I wasn't sure if I still loved him the same and I still felt hurt from his past u felt struggling trying to move in. I would have insecure freakouts which he would be fine about and offer to help fix them ( like quit his job)

5. I was worried what family and friends would think if I took him back as trying to tell them he had changed after the stories they know about him. Very hard I live my family and friends so much.

6. I was scared it was all going to backfire. I was starting to try and pick things about him towards the end that he hadn't fixed and building them up in my head that he was still bad ( these were small issues like his negativity towards work and certain people it used tire me out as I am a + person, his little habits like not doing anything special or out his way for me) all the major issues were sorted.

7. He hadn't made peace with my mum even though he offered

to grugedly and I could see both their sides and they

were both wrong. He said he would but he didn't

8. A part of me said I can find better ( god I feel selfish thinking that and maybe naive?)

[othersideofthepillow]

In all honesty for you the answer to the majority of your list above is TIME. How much your willing to give for each area to be worked out is entirely up to you. No one can tell you how long it would take for the trust to come back fully, for forgiveness, if he's changed for good, etc....you get what i mean. Also, why are you basing YOUR life on what others MIGHT think? Yes i know that your friends/family are important to you but you must remember that it is your life - they cant live it for you.

 

I have 2 friends - known them both for years and years. they eventually got together. Had some real issues about two years ago and they had a real debate of staying together or not. Even asked me a few times what my advice was and what i would do in their situation. In the end they realized that yes life is hard but that they dont care how others view them - they know how they feel about each other and in the end thats all that matters.

 

Now the part about finding someone better, I've never really been a fan of that outlook cause that paints you and your ex in kind of a negative light.

 

In the end sachamay only you can decide what is best for you - but the fact that you are having these severe doubts means that you have a lot more feelings invested than you think. Take time and think about it & DONT try to build things negatively either. Be honest with yourself and make a clear logical decision.

[sachamay]

Thanks for the reply. Two other things I didn't add but should of

1. I find my self looking at other guys and sometimes wanting to talk to them. In saying that I've been feeling like that since inwas 16 in both my relationships. I always assumed when I met "the one" I wouldn't look at any other guys

 

2. My psychic (hear me out) who I have seen for years and who has proven her self many times (predicted my pregnancy, illnesses, cheating etc) well the past three times I have seen her she has talked to me about leaving him, etc. Anyway because Of her warnings she really has made me think about things

 

In saying that there is a part of me that just wants to give him another chance but if I do it would super super slow. even being friends for a while. I do miss him in my life even as a friend

[othersideofthepillow]

wanting to talk to someone else isnt in itself a bad thing. the want or desire to make it more after talking to them is where issues start to come up. hey if psychics are you thing i'm not gonna judge. we are all on hear looking for advice with our issues so hey no need to justify yourself.

 

with what you said as your last statement - you already made up your mind. you are just looking for someone/else to tell you that its ok for you to give him a second chance.

 

its very apparent that you still have more than "friend" feelings for him and if he has them for you as well than "being friends" is not really needed.....the taking things SLOW is what you guys need to do.

 

i miss my ex everyday and ive been without her for around 4.5 months now (shes always kept in contact until the past few weeks) but i cannot have her as just a friend. i can never see her as anything less than someone i have feelings for. so unless you BOTH can be JUST FRIENDS from now on you only have 2 options - try again and take things slow or cut all ties and deal with the pain/hurt and find someone else that will make you happy.

 

again though only you can make that decision