unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 I don't know what to tell you for sure. Maybe you should wait until the week before or a couple days before you are moving out to tell him. Then let him think about what is going to happen. Maybe these games will stop whenever he realizes you mean business.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Yeah. I haven't decided yet if I should tell him or not. If he would come home, then I could get a better feel of where he is at mentally/emotionally. Why the hell won't he come home??? Honestly, right now I just wish that he would come home and that we could spend some time together before I leave just being friends. Ok ... maybe with benefits here and there, but just enjoying each other's companionship. I'm tired of feeling lonely and really don't even want to push for the "relationship" right now, because that will only drive him away.
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Has he responded to your text message or email yet? Can you call him? Somehow you need to get rid of the tension and comfort him into thinking that you aren't going to start "inquiries" like he thinks. If somehow you can get him to come home and just talk and hang out like old times, maybe he will feel comfortable and be willing to work with you.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 I agree. I haven't heard back from the emails yet. He works a ton of hours so I wouldn't hear from him until the evening, but I haven't gotten anything today. He was home briefly yesterday, and then SOMEONE - either the roommate person that still drifts in and out, or he was home for a while last night after 6:00 before 10:30. I spent the evening at my friend's apartment and noticed some things moved around and some strange things when I came home last night. I am not sure if it was him, because I don't really see him coming all the way to our place from his night job and then going back to his buddies house (his friend's place is right on the way to our house from work.) And then just to hang out?? Doesn't make much sense. Who knows?? But that is what I am hoping for. I would like him to come home and spend time there and get comfortable around me again and then we can go from there. I can't accomplish anything (besides torturing myself) until he comes home. Bad or good, I am stuck until he decides to come home. Is he being a coward or what?
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 azgirl, we may have to be switching to the coping board soon? It doesn't seem like we are getting anywhere with them does it? I wish I had the answers for all of us.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 OK. Let me know if we do switch. Send me a personal message if we do. No, we aren't getting anywhere with our exes. I'm taking off for the day. I'll check in tomorrow morning.
unreal Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 azgirl, how are you feeling today? Any better? Any new news? Today I sent my girl flowers to be delivered to her house. We'll see what happens?
Author azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Aw! How sweet!!! I wish I could get flowers. (sigh) Nothing new to report, really. I mean I got drunk last night and text messaged him 3 times - like an idiot. I asked him if he was dating anyone. Then I TMed again saying "Sorry. No inquiries. I apologize." The third one was "we miss you." Meaning me and the animals. Then this morning - I called and left a message for him that I needed to know if he paid rent yet, I have some money for him, and that I needed to know when he was going on his vacation so that I could arrange for the pets to be taken care of. Fair enough, don't you think??? I mean this is NEXT week, so I kind of need to know. I just can't believe how irresponsible he is being. Not taking care of "his" cat. I have been buying food and cat litter and stuff. His friend has animals and we have taken my dog over there when we were going to be there for the day or whatever. HE took her there like two weeks ago, so it's not like he COULDN'T take the cat. Not that I mind the cat at all. We have bonded. He originally got the cat to keep my little dog company. I think I will take the cat with me. He doesn't deserve the cat. And I hate to think of the poor kitty all alone when he has been raised with my dog and me for company WAY more than him. I don't think I am asking to much to get a little communication from him on some of these issues. Do you??? Ugh! I don't get him!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have quit hounding him on our issues, now we need to handle the business end of things. How can he be so cold??? Is it soooo horrible to talk to me that we can't even discuss day-to-day issues???
unreal Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 Yeah, I ordered the flower this morning around 8am. I called around 1pm or 1:30 and they said they were already on the delivery truck and were either on the way or had already been given to her. I'm pretty nervous thinking about it. I sent her a dozen roses just a few days before we broke up almost two weeks ago. This time I sent an assortment of daisy's, lillies and such. Waiting like this is killing me. But honestly, I think I have more than proven how much I care for her with all the flowers, cards, and willingness to wait on her to give her space. I can only hope that she sees this and takes it for what it is, that I love her more than anything. If she truly loves me, I don't think she will leave. But I have got to remember, if she can't stay and wants to go, she doesn't love me like she says. I would do anything for that girl.
Author azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Mine used to bring me flowers. That's sooo sweet. She'll at least have to call and say "thank you." I know you would do anything for her. I'd still do anything for mine, too. Even though he's not being very nice right now. Unfortunately ... if they don't want to be with us, then we can't make them. I am beginning to think that there is NOT A CHANCE IN HELL that he and I will work things out. Not a chance. Maybe I am wrong. I do not know what the future holds. I never in a million years expected to meet someone like him. And I did. And I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. What we had was amazing, but if he is not equipped to deal with it right now, then there's not a whole lot I can do. If he is sitting around convincing himself and everyone around him that I am bad for him (which is bulls*** and he knows it - he once told me that I make him a better person) then what am I to do?? If he is convincing himself that I am the source of his frustration and problems right now, then I can't do a whole lot to convince him otherwise. Which may be why he is avoiding me. He knows that this is wrong and he knows that I am not the problem (has even said so) and he also knows that I will tell him this. Plus, he is very nonconfrontational whereas I am the polar opposite. I like to confront and clear the air. So ... I point things out to him and he just may not want to see that right now because he has convinced himself that this is what he needs to do to fix his life and I know (and would probably be able to convince himself otherwise.) Don't know if I mentioned this to you or not, but I think we recently hit the anniversary of his best friend's suicide. I have a friend whose brother killed himself and we talked about this and agreed that this may be the real issue that he is dealing with. My friend said that it is quite possible that this is why he is pushing me away. Doesn't want to get too close to anyone. But it sounds like you are making headway with your situation. Just don't push too hard. Might have the opposite effect. What do you think about mine?? I hope she calls you and says she is ready to be with you as soon as she sees those beautiful flowers.
unreal Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 The anniversary of the death could be apart of it. But it seems for some reason that he is really resisting confrontation with you. It is almost like he is afraid of the confrontation or just dealing with the problems between you two. I don't know what to tell you since he isn't coming home, won't return your emails or text messages. Unless you can somehow confront him somewhere else and remain calm and just say, "I love you very much, can we just talk? I miss you!" I feel your pain right now and I wish I could help you here. I really do! It may be possible that he is hurting inside just as much as you are about this. Some people take different routes in dealing with emotional loss or struggles. But breaking the ice sometimes feels impossible if the other person isn't willing to give. As for me, I'm not sure I'm making headway or not yet. I don't look for her to call me yet, even though I sent those flowers. I hope I'm not pushing too hard, but I probably am with all the cards and now flowers. But then again, every girl is different. Some actually want "space" with no contact for sure and then some want "space" to just see how much you care or not and want you to contact them like this. At this point, I'm just scared that I've lost her completely. And now with this "time and space" thing, I feel like I'm hanging. How would you feel by what I've told you that I've been doing?
Author azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Hmm. Well I, too, hate the "time and space" thing. It's kind of a load of horses*** if you ask me. But I've never been wishy-washy like that. I think maybe after today's flowers back off for a week or so. In fact - try this: don't contact her at all! I know it will be hard, but here's the way I see it - you have sent flowers and cards and stuff - so she knows that you care about her and love her deeply. If she is struggling with the idea of being with you then give her exactly what she wants - her space. This way she will really see what life WITHOUT you is like, and she will probably realize that she doesn't want that. You know?? And if she admonishes you later about not contacting her - then just say "You know - I love you so much. I know you know this. But what you asked for was space and as much as it killed me to not contact you - you'll never know how hard it was. I love you enough to do anything for you and you asked for space so that is what I was trying to give you." Something like that. What do you think??? With mine - if I could just get some face time. Or voice time. I will try that. Maybe say - "I still love you so much. And I know you are dealing with some hard things right now. I just want you to know that I am here for you if you ever want to talk or need anything. You will always be very special to me and as much as what is happening between us hurts me, and as much as seeing these changes in you hurts me, I know it is not me. I know it isn't. But for some reason you feel that this is what you need right now and I just have to accept that. But please ... don't shut me out of your life completely. I care about you and will always be here for you." Something like that??? Because I think he expects me to beg him to take me back everytime we see each other. Maybe if he thinks I have accepted it and am not going to try to convince him to come back, then he can really get a grasp on what life without me will be like and realize it is not what he wants. Especially since I know he feels pushed around when we have these conversations about us.
unreal Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 All of that sounds good to me. You should tell him that exactly. Because that is how you feel inside right? Just lay it out there like you wrote here. He should respect that. And if he doesn't, you are probably better off without him. I just talked to the flower shop and they told me that the flowers were delivered to her and she received them around 11:30am this morning. It is now 3:30 and I have not heard from her. I have decided that I can't wait another two weeks or so. It has been almost two weeks already and I feel she should know how she feels about me and everything. I will give her a couple days more and if I don't hear from her about the flowers or anything, I am contacting her to get some closure or figure out if she is coming back or not. I'm literally going crazy playing this game and it isn't healthy at all. What do you think?
quyster Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 I've been reading you guys posting back and forth about what you doing. I've been doing the same thing for the past 3 months, let me tell you my result. It doesn't work. I never realize how much I love my ex-gf until we broke up. I would do anything for her. The reason she broke up with me because she wanted space, and she needs to find herself (I know these are excuses). I have been a nicest guy I have ever been. But the nicer I got the worst it comes back at me. The weaker I get the lower I look. People don't like to be with a person who is weak and low down to dirt. So I cut all contacts and try to forget about her. Guess what the outcome is???? She starts to call (but I didn't pick up), AIM... Starts asking how i'm doing (which she didn't care in the past 3months) But I'm not gonna talk to her... Because if I do, then she would turn around and be cold again, treating me bad again (I know cuz this has happened before) If she still loves me and realize, she will come back and doesn't matter how much I try to avoid her, she'll find away to talk to me. Until then she would do anything to. It only work then, when she realize on her own but I can't make or convince her. For now, I just shut her out so that I can ease my pain, living my life a little bit easier. If it works then it works but I don't need to torture myself any longer.
Author azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 unreal - hey, sorry it took me so long. I went to lunch. I think I will tell him exactly that. It seems the more I want to talk about "us" the more he runs and literally hides. I will tell him that I accept and respect what he is feeling right now even though it hurts me. But I will kindly ask him not to shut me completely out of his life. We'll see. I, too, think I need some closure. Unfortunately if he will not respond to me or even come home, then how can I get that?? guyster - You are right. I think right now he sees me as low and has lost respect for me. I need to stop groveling to him each time I see him. I think it is time I just throw my hands up and walk away. I have a sneaking suspiscion that I will be in the same place you are in a few months. Once he has time to clear his head and the loneliness sets in - I'll be willing to bet he will come back. He KNOWS the kind of connection we have. He has told me before that he has neve met any one like me. And maybe he needs to go out there and try and I (not to toot my own horn here) KNOW (especially where we live - a lot of superficial women) that he will NEVER meet a woman who treats him the way I did! I spoiled him rotten! Even my friends thought so and would tell me all the time! I could go on and on about the things I did for him. He knows it. But ... I'd be willing to bet he'll be back. Only time will tell if I want him back when he comes around or not. Unreal - now I definitely think you are doing the right thing. The flowers should have elicited some response. And right away, too. AT LEAST a courtesy thank you.
quyster Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 And about sending flowers I kinda did the samething, I wrote poems, drew her pictures. When I told her about them, she wanted to see badly. But after she has seen it, she'll go: Damn, nice, thank you, u wrote it?,.... ,.... ,.... Then that's it, it doesn't touch her or change the way she thinks. She still stays cold as steel. For her birthday, I bought her nice present. Took her to a very nice restaurant ( Crustasian restaurant - where celebrities go ). We talked well but then, she would forget about it and turn cold the next day. Being nice doesn't work. I can't change her mind. Only herself can do that.!!!
Author azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Right on guyster! You can't change anyone's mind for them can ya? As hard as we try, we just can't do it and the harder we try the further away we get from getting what we want. Well, hang in there. I have been through break ups before and I have survived. We will all survive these and soon forget about our broken-hearted friends at the LS. Well some people will. In the meantime, it helps to keep coming here and talking.
unreal Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 azgirl, I'm back!! Well, I called my girl right after I posted here yesterday about those flowers. I called her and asked her if she received the flowers or not. And she said, "yes, and thank you very much for the flowers baby!". She then went on to say that she was going out of town to see her friend(girl) from college this weekend and that she had planned on calling me on Sunday to thank me and talk to me. And she said that she still plans on calling me on Sunday so we can talk. I asked her if we were going to work on things and she said well, "Were going to talk". I then asked if it was good news or bads news and she still said that we would talk. I asked if she had already made her decision and she replied that she hasn't made a decision of any kind yet. Needless to say, I now have a whole weekend to sweat.
Author azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 Hey! Glad to see you're back! What time is it where you are? We seem to have similar schedules. Well! How are you feeling about that??? Did you get anything from her tone of voice that led you to think it was good news or bad news??? Hmmm. Did she say she would give you her decision on Sunday?? And I don't really understand why she was going to wait until Sunday to call. Clearly she had time to talk to you for a few minutes last night so what the F**K?? Oh boy. My situation took a major turn last night. Huge. I'll tell ya all about it in a minute. Tell me a little more about how you are doing or feeling first. My news is potentially HUGE. I think I need to have a little more patience. Maybe??? Ugh. I don't know. First - let me just say - he came home last night.
Author azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 Ok. I'll spill it now. His stuff was all there when I got home from work yesterday, so I knew he would be back that night. About 10:30 or so, he came rolling in. I was out on the balcony talking to a friend and enjoying a beer. I got off the phone and stayed out there - had some music playing. He came out and asked how I had been doing. My favorite song on that CD was playing and I said "I've been listening to this song a lot." He then hugged me and we held each other for a while. Then he sat across from me at the table and we talked. First just funny stories that we had experienced the past week. Then we got into the "issues." One - I told him what we talked about yesterday. Told him that if this is what he thinks he needs right now, then I will accept that but that I care about him so much (to which he interjected "I care about you, too.) and went on to say I want us to be close, to be friends, and maybe one day we will work through this. He said, "Yes, we can be friends." So ... I started to cry at one point in time (He said, "Don't cry, babydoll") and then I got a hold of myself. I then held him and said "I think that in time we can work through this." He didn't respond. Just a little sidebar - no response from him means agreement. We have actually discussed it before and he has told me that when I say something and he doesn't respond it means he agrees. Then - I told him that I wasn't locking HIM out of my area (I have been locking the door to my bedroom and bathroom area b/c I came home one day to find our part-time roommate in MY area) I told him about this and told him that is why it is locked and that he does not need to vacate our area entirely - he can still shower in there if he wants. I jokingly said, "I've seen you naked before, and quite likely I will again." Which made him smile. He went on to tell me that his mother was "pissing him off" earlier and he handed the phone to his friend. She was hell-bent on moving out here and helping him out financially. He said "I told her no." He said he thought it would be a horrible idea. I agreed and gently went on to suggest to him that SHE is controlling of him and that I have witnessed this throughout our entire relationship and that this opinion is COMPLETELY independent of my opinion of her due to what she said about me. Yada yada. K. (sorry - a LOT was said) We then talked a little bit about HIS issues and what all had been going on with HIM. Family crap, emotional crap, etc. I gently asked him if I could ask him a question about a sensitive issue. I asked him when his friend committed suicide. He said "Which one?" I said "There were two???" He told me one died when he was very young and the other in high school. I said," When - what time of year?" He said "One was in January, the other was in May." DIDN'T I TELL YOU???? So ... (by the way - the last time we had a major problem like this was in January) I said, "Don't you find it a little odd that both times that you have tried to push me away - one was in January and the other was in May?" He kind of raised his eyebrows and said nothing (of course) So I said "Perhaps this is something you need to explore. If I brought home a book would you read it." At first he was opposed, but the more we talked - I think he began to open up to the idea. Then we addressed my letter and some of the things in it. Nothing too interesting came out of that conversation - just me taking a stand on the things he had said in the past. I did tell him at one point in time that all of this has nothing to do with me and that I know this for a fact. (Silence from him) So then I made a move on him. (I thought what the hell?) He responded. We took it inside and made love on the floor like we did when we started dating. Now - here's where it gets interesting. Afterwards he says "God! We have a good sex life." We???? We??? Now we have been using our little nicknames and pet names for each other by this time, but this was the first - and not only we statement he made. Next (after he began playing his video game) I said "I wish I had a computer." And he says, "Chris is supposed to give US one." Again - US!!!! So ... what do you make of all this. I am trying to remain calm and not get too excited, but things could be looking up. What do you think?
TempSain Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Originally posted by unreal azgirl, I'm back!! Well, I called my girl right after I posted here yesterday about those flowers. I called her and asked her if she received the flowers or not. And she said, "yes, and thank you very much for the flowers baby!". She then went on to say that she was going out of town to see her friend(girl) from college this weekend and that she had planned on calling me on Sunday to thank me and talk to me. And she said that she still plans on calling me on Sunday so we can talk. I asked her if we were going to work on things and she said well, "Were going to talk". I then asked if it was good news or bads news and she still said that we would talk. I asked if she had already made her decision and she replied that she hasn't made a decision of any kind yet. Needless to say, I now have a whole weekend to sweat. UNREAL: Maybe you should stop being so eager. What I mean by this is, if your always there trying to get back together with her, she will play you like a fiddle and most likely not get back together with you. If you really want to get back together with her, try to make her think that you are too busy for her and amybe even make her think that you are dating other women. I know that it may seem that she may get turned off by this but in reality, she will think that she made a mistake by letting you go and try to get you back. It worked for me when I was single.
Author azgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 TempSain - I have told him much the same thing. I told him that I would back off completely for like a week or so. Give her some space and really let her feel what life without him would be like. Right?? My bf/ex/ whatever you want to call him left our apartment for a week. I had very little contact with him in that time. Only 2 very brief phone calls (mail and rent questions) and only saw him once in that time. Got weak one night and text messaged him, but that was it. He came back last night and things went well. Gave me some hope, yet I didn't bother him with "are we getting back together" questions. Told him I accepted the break up and want to be friends, yada yada yada. Even asked him if he has a date in mind by which he wants me out. Byt the end of the night he was refering to "we" and "us" again - like a couple. One day at a time. But things are looking better because I allowed him the space he needed.
unreal Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl Hey! Glad to see you're back! What time is it where you are? We seem to have similar schedules. Well! How are you feeling about that??? Did you get anything from her tone of voice that led you to think it was good news or bad news??? Hmmm. Did she say she would give you her decision on Sunday?? And I don't really understand why she was going to wait until Sunday to call. Clearly she had time to talk to you for a few minutes last night so what the F**K?? Oh boy. My situation took a major turn last night. Huge. I'll tell ya all about it in a minute. Tell me a little more about how you are doing or feeling first. My news is potentially HUGE. I think I need to have a little more patience. Maybe??? Ugh. I don't know. First - let me just say - he came home last night. Right now it is 2:38pm. Well, let's just say that I'm pretty nervous about Sunday. The tone of the voice leads me to believe it may be bad news. I'm hoping not. You are right, she did have time to call, but she had just got off work and went straight to bed. She works as a nurse and works night shift. She had to work later that night also. So I'm pretty nervous.
unreal Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl Ok. I'll spill it now. His stuff was all there when I got home from work yesterday, so I knew he would be back that night. About 10:30 or so, he came rolling in. I was out on the balcony talking to a friend and enjoying a beer. I got off the phone and stayed out there - had some music playing. He came out and asked how I had been doing. My favorite song on that CD was playing and I said "I've been listening to this song a lot." He then hugged me and we held each other for a while. Then he sat across from me at the table and we talked. First just funny stories that we had experienced the past week. Then we got into the "issues." One - I told him what we talked about yesterday. Told him that if this is what he thinks he needs right now, then I will accept that but that I care about him so much (to which he interjected "I care about you, too.) and went on to say I want us to be close, to be friends, and maybe one day we will work through this. He said, "Yes, we can be friends." So ... I started to cry at one point in time (He said, "Don't cry, babydoll") and then I got a hold of myself. I then held him and said "I think that in time we can work through this." He didn't respond. Just a little sidebar - no response from him means agreement. We have actually discussed it before and he has told me that when I say something and he doesn't respond it means he agrees. Then - I told him that I wasn't locking HIM out of my area (I have been locking the door to my bedroom and bathroom area b/c I came home one day to find our part-time roommate in MY area) I told him about this and told him that is why it is locked and that he does not need to vacate our area entirely - he can still shower in there if he wants. I jokingly said, "I've seen you naked before, and quite likely I will again." Which made him smile. He went on to tell me that his mother was "pissing him off" earlier and he handed the phone to his friend. She was hell-bent on moving out here and helping him out financially. He said "I told her no." He said he thought it would be a horrible idea. I agreed and gently went on to suggest to him that SHE is controlling of him and that I have witnessed this throughout our entire relationship and that this opinion is COMPLETELY independent of my opinion of her due to what she said about me. Yada yada. K. (sorry - a LOT was said) We then talked a little bit about HIS issues and what all had been going on with HIM. Family crap, emotional crap, etc. I gently asked him if I could ask him a question about a sensitive issue. I asked him when his friend committed suicide. He said "Which one?" I said "There were two???" He told me one died when he was very young and the other in high school. I said," When - what time of year?" He said "One was in January, the other was in May." DIDN'T I TELL YOU???? So ... (by the way - the last time we had a major problem like this was in January) I said, "Don't you find it a little odd that both times that you have tried to push me away - one was in January and the other was in May?" He kind of raised his eyebrows and said nothing (of course) So I said "Perhaps this is something you need to explore. If I brought home a book would you read it." At first he was opposed, but the more we talked - I think he began to open up to the idea. Then we addressed my letter and some of the things in it. Nothing too interesting came out of that conversation - just me taking a stand on the things he had said in the past. I did tell him at one point in time that all of this has nothing to do with me and that I know this for a fact. (Silence from him) So then I made a move on him. (I thought what the hell?) He responded. We took it inside and made love on the floor like we did when we started dating. Now - here's where it gets interesting. Afterwards he says "God! We have a good sex life." We???? We??? Now we have been using our little nicknames and pet names for each other by this time, but this was the first - and not only we statement he made. Next (after he began playing his video game) I said "I wish I had a computer." And he says, "Chris is supposed to give US one." Again - US!!!! So ... what do you make of all this. I am trying to remain calm and not get too excited, but things could be looking up. What do you think? azgirl, I'm really glad to hear all of this. It looks like things are looking good now for you. I would say that you two are going to get back together. Like I said with the last post, I'm not sure about mine. I'll have to wait for Sunday to see.
TempSain Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl TempSain - I have told him much the same thing. I told him that I would back off completely for like a week or so. Give her some space and really let her feel what life without him would be like. Right?? My bf/ex/ whatever you want to call him left our apartment for a week. I had very little contact with him in that time. Only 2 very brief phone calls (mail and rent questions) and only saw him once in that time. Got weak one night and text messaged him, but that was it. He came back last night and things went well. Gave me some hope, yet I didn't bother him with "are we getting back together" questions. Told him I accepted the break up and want to be friends, yada yada yada. Even asked him if he has a date in mind by which he wants me out. Byt the end of the night he was refering to "we" and "us" again - like a couple. One day at a time. But things are looking better because I allowed him the space he needed. AZGIRL: I don't want to get in the middle of your conversations with UNREAL but yes, sometimes guys do need time away. Hope he cleared his mind. Your going though alot I can see from your posts. Best of luck to you.
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