Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Well, I think I kind of agree with you. I think maybe he is taking this "time to himself" to see if he can come back and work things out. Why else?? I mean, if he was strong in his conviction that this is what he wanted couldn't he come home, be around me, and still go out and do his own thing??? And the loving way he was holding me and putting his head down on mine tells me there is feeling there. Right??? Maybe I should text him or email him - "No more inquiries. Just come home, please. Lonely and missing you." Too much, or not? Your situation sounds positive, but I am a little confused about the "month" issue. Why the time frame?? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense. How about just "soon" or whatever. And what I don't get is this ... if she still loves you then why not be with you?? Am I just naive or too much of a romantic?? To me it is simple. I love you and want to be together. They go hand in hand, do they not?? I don't understand "I love you, but can't be with you right now." But, it does sound like she is getting a grip on things. Were there other issues in her life she needed to sort out??
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl Well, I think I kind of agree with you. I think maybe he is taking this "time to himself" to see if he can come back and work things out. Why else?? I mean, if he was strong in his conviction that this is what he wanted couldn't he come home, be around me, and still go out and do his own thing??? And the loving way he was holding me and putting his head down on mine tells me there is feeling there. Right??? Maybe I should text him or email him - "No more inquiries. Just come home, please. Lonely and missing you." Too much, or not? Your situation sounds positive, but I am a little confused about the "month" issue. Why the time frame?? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense. How about just "soon" or whatever. And what I don't get is this ... if she still loves you then why not be with you?? Am I just naive or too much of a romantic?? To me it is simple. I love you and want to be together. They go hand in hand, do they not?? I don't understand "I love you, but can't be with you right now." But, it does sound like she is getting a grip on things. Were there other issues in her life she needed to sort out?? I don't see anything wrong with that email at all. Just tell him that you love him and want to try and work on things again. Maybe he would be willing to do that? Actually, this "month" deal isn't even definate. Basically, I told her that I don't want to be sitting around waiting for 6 months not knowing anything. And she said she can't decide right now at that exact moment, but she doesn't want to drag this out too long. So I said, "within the next month?" and she said yes I will tell you by then. She says that I'm not the problem at all and that she just needs time to think and figure things out with her own life right now. What direction she wants to go and what she wants to do with her life. For some reason, she told me that she feels her life right now is a joke. And she doesn't know why she feels like that? I told her that if she was willing, I thought we could seek relationship counciling if that is what she needs right now. Because I told her that I'm happy with us, but I want to help her find out why she isn't. I even said that I love her soo much, that I'm willing to help pay for it if that is what is needed to get her through this. She actually seemed pleased with that. We both said "I love you" when we got off the phone. I don't know what will happen for sure though if anything. This is very hard for me.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 unreal - I don't understand this needing to be alone to sort crap out thing. That is kind of what mine is doing, too. I think I will email him. I miss him sooo much. Last night I played this CD that I bought him at a concert we went to together and then listened to it over and over and sat out on our balcony and cried and wrote in a notebook how I was feeling. Then ... get this. A guy friend calls and invites me out for a drink. So, I agree to go. I tell him what's going on and we talk about it. We go and grab a bite to eat afterwards and go to my house to eat. Then I tell him that I have to go to bed (had to work at 8 this morning) and he basically propositions me. Even knocks on the door to ask if I changed my mind. What the f*** is wrong with men. They try and listen and be sympathetic and then they try to take advantage of you! Well, hang in there with her. At least you know she loves you. I don't know if he loves me. THAT is the hard part here. I do know he has a lot going on with his family, and I am not positive on this one, but ... I THINK that this is around the time that one of his best friends committed suicide 5 years ago. Not positive, but I think so. And he told me a while ago that he would be a mess around that time. Should I hang on to hope?? Or is it time to let it go?
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl unreal - I don't understand this needing to be alone to sort crap out thing. That is kind of what mine is doing, too. I think I will email him. I miss him sooo much. Last night I played this CD that I bought him at a concert we went to together and then listened to it over and over and sat out on our balcony and cried and wrote in a notebook how I was feeling. Then ... get this. A guy friend calls and invites me out for a drink. So, I agree to go. I tell him what's going on and we talk about it. We go and grab a bite to eat afterwards and go to my house to eat. Then I tell him that I have to go to bed (had to work at 8 this morning) and he basically propositions me. Even knocks on the door to ask if I changed my mind. What the f*** is wrong with men. They try and listen and be sympathetic and then they try to take advantage of you! Well, hang in there with her. At least you know she loves you. I don't know if he loves me. THAT is the hard part here. I do know he has a lot going on with his family, and I am not positive on this one, but ... I THINK that this is around the time that one of his best friends committed suicide 5 years ago. Not positive, but I think so. And he told me a while ago that he would be a mess around that time. Should I hang on to hope?? Or is it time to let it go? Yeah, do not fall into that rebound thing. I'm sure that guy thought you were vulnerable and would give in. I know how that works with some of these guys. I think your answer will hinge on that email you will be sending your ex. Just send it out to him, and wait to see what kind of response you get back. He may surprise you and want to work on things between you two. Don't give up just yet. I know one thing, I'm pretty nervous thinking that phone call will come at any time. And I have a feeling it won't be good news and that she is leaving for sure.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Well, she didn't SAY she was leaving for good. And she did say she thought you two would get back together didn't she??? Don't be scared. You're coping without her right now aren't you??? If she doesn't come back you're no worse off than you are right now, right?? I think she will. IF she doesn't then you have the right to be mad, because she is just toying with you. But I am fairly confident that she will. And there is NO way that I was going there with that guy. First of all, I HAVE to be attracted to someone and I am not attracted to him - at all. And my guy is gorgeous, so it will be a LONG time before I find someone that I am as attracted to as I am to him - if ever. Slim pickings out here in that department. At least not much of what is my type. But it still pisses me off that men try. So rude and lecherous! Maybe he will want to work on things. Maybe. I certainly hope so. I miss him sooo much and want him back.
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 You know what, I was thinking that maybe it would be better for you to just tell him face to face and alone together instead of the email. If you can handle that? If not, try the email. As for my situation, I hope you are right in that she is coming back. And yes, she did say that she thinks we will get back together and that she is still in love with me. I think I'm just different from most guys in that I actually care.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Well, I can't tell him face to face because he hasn't been coming home. I just want him to come home so that maybe we can settle in to our day to day interaction and he will change his mind and want me to stay. Or maybe not and I will have to move out, but I just want him to come home because I do not know what is going on with him He told me he didn't want to deal with the "inquiries" so that is why I thought email him, get him to come home, and then we can go from there. I can't stand this limbo that we are in. It's driving me insane!!! I don't think that yours is gone forever, though. Mine ... possibly. Email or text?
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Text him while you are thinking about it. Just tell him that you love him, you are willing to work on things together if possible, and that you want to start over with him without the problems from before. Just see what he says. Then say, I'm willing to stop the inquiries if we can work together on this.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Should I get that detailed?? I was just thinking of this "No more inquiries, I promise. Just please come home." Then when he does come home I can guage his reaction to me or behavior toward me and go from there. I think my first step is getting him to come home. I can't do anything until that happens. If we can go a few days without any hostility on his part, without any snide, smart-a** remarks from either one of us then maybe I should say "I still love you. And if you are willing, I'd like us to try to see if we can work through this hard time together." I don't think anyone in his life has shown him to stand by the ones you love even in hard times, and I don't think that the majority of this has to do with me. I'd like to show him that when you love someone UNCONDITIONALLY as I love him, then even when he turns on me because of family problems, I will still be there. But I think I need a few days of being around him to see what kind of vibe I get from him. What do you think?
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 You know your relationship alot better than I do. If that way is best for you, then I would go with that. It is tough to just hang yourself out there. And I understand maybe you are afraid of the response you will get as well. I think you will have to decide how far you are willing to go to get him back. Then you will know for sure, if 1.) he is what you TRULY want for the rest of your life, and 2.) if you can handle throwing yourself out there completely like that with a chance of rejection and being hurt. You will have to decide if you can handle that or not if he says no. That is what I've come to. Right now, I'm willing to do it. I know she is what I want. The ball is in her court and she may hurt me really, really bad. Not that I'm not already hurting as it is. I think that is when you know you are in love completely with someone.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Well - what's the worst that could happen?? He continues on with his decision that he just needs to be alone?? Maybe a little time away from me and he may be missing me too. Just caught between wanting to come home but now wanting to have all the discussions and be questioned. I DO want him for the rest of my life. I really, really do. I am willing to wait. And part of me thought that I might have to let him go for a while before I got that end result. He is young and I always knew that he was a little gun-shy when it came to relationships so I thought I might have to let go for a little while. Perhaps, I should offer to move out anyway, but see if we can work on things not living together and start over and move slowly. Very slowly. Maybe still see each other but no obligations. Able to date other people if someone comes along. Then let it slowly develop into what it was - over time. But - is it right that we are hanging in there still?? Or should we just give up and move on???
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Sounds like a little bit of a gamble on your part once you start opening that door to date others. I really do not think that is a good idea at all. I wouldn't want to risk that at all if I were you.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Yeah. Maybe you are right about that part, but I should at least throw out there that we should start over and take things slowly. Right?
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 azgirl, I think you should ask if you two can try starting over again. But you will have to be careful with what you say. It is a fine line. Just try and listen to him more instead of you doing the talking and see what happens.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 The problem is that most of the time "he doesn't want to talk about it." He still hasn't come home. He stopped by yesterday and dropped some stuff off, but he didn't come home last night. Still at the friend's house. I think that I need to see how he behaves toward me when he does come home and then go from there. He has been known to change his mind pretty quickly, so ... you never know. I'll see what frame of mind I think he is in and when the time is right, I'll suggest that we start over. Starting with me moving out!
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl The problem is that most of the time "he doesn't want to talk about it." He still hasn't come home. He stopped by yesterday and dropped some stuff off, but he didn't come home last night. Still at the friend's house. I think that I need to see how he behaves toward me when he does come home and then go from there. He has been known to change his mind pretty quickly, so ... you never know. I'll see what frame of mind I think he is in and when the time is right, I'll suggest that we start over. Starting with me moving out! Today is a hard day for me. I am now on Day 8. I know I talked to her on Sunday, but I miss her soo much. I just wish that she would contact me now. I know she promised that she would call within the next few weeks. But I worry that she won't.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Hey! You're back on! Yeah. I know. Today is hard for me, too. I know he was home at least once yesterday, but he didn't come home last night. I saw him and talked to him on Sunday, but that was the last of it. I miss him. So I know how you feel right now. I'm tired of going to bed alone. The cat and the dog help a little, but it is not the same, you know?? I haven't called him either. I know he probably wouldn't answer his phone. I just emailed him very briefly yesterday, but he doesn't always check his email each day so maybe he didn't get it yet. This sucks. I, too, am feeling so lonely.
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 And the thing is, I don't know why I'm soo upset today. It just is really hitting me right now. I woke up around 4:30 this morning and it was like a ton of bricks on me all at once. Maybe I just feel that it is a lost cause since she hasn't called back yet even after our phone call.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Yeah, I know what you mean. I haven't slept well in a while either. I usually wake up at like 5:00 in the morning and then TRY to drift in and out until about 7:00. Monday morning, I woke up with my stomach just in knots and felt almost sick all day. It was awful! I, too, am starting to get that hopeless feeling like it is time to just give up and move on. I hate this. I just want to go home and crawl back into bed.
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Do you really think that she is coming back to me by what I've told you? Because to quite honest, I can't begin to heal until I know it is over or not for sure. That is what makes this soo bad I think? Just sitting and waiting. And when you think about it, we are sacrificing our happiness and mental health just to help them feel better and let them have "time and space to figure things out". I just don't understand any of this at all. I think if you love someone, you want to be with them and want to work on things together. How can you work on things if you are apart. I don't get the "time and space" thing at all. And to be quite honest, if I'm being played along because she is just afraid to hurt me, I'm going to be even more hurt in the long run by this.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Yeah. You and I are in the same boat on the "time and space" issue. I don't get it at all either! I don't see why being with someone you love and care about can stand in the way of sorting things out. I am the type of person that needs to or at least prefers to have someone around to share things with when I am having problems. You know?? I would think that whatever someone is going through, having their significant other there by their side would make things easier. I wish I could tell you for sure that she is coming back. She says she is, so I am confident. But, then again people say one thing and do another. I just wish mine would come home. So that I could determine where his head is at. Talk to him about plans to move out, and see what he wants to become of us from here. I just want him to come home.
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Actually she says when I ask her if she thinks we will get back together, "I think so". And she tells me that she loves me and is still in love with me. God, this is tough.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 "I think so." ??? What the F***?? I don't understand how people can NOT know if they want to be with someone or not. Doesn't make any sense to me. I have always KNOWN for a fact that either I do or I don't want to be with someone. It's simple really. It's either "Yes, I have feelings for you and want to be with you," or "No. The feelings aren't strong enough for me to want to be with you." Plain and simple. Don't you think????
unreal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Believe me, I know exactly what you are saying. I know how I feel. But I'm clueless as to what is going through her head right now.
Author azgirl Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Yep! Me, too. He always was a sh*tty communicator and we talked about that a lot! But now that he's not even THERE I can't get any indication of what his problem is. I guess I have decided that after I get back from vacation (June 15) I am going to go ahead and move out. Stay with a friend for a couple of weeks then get my own place in the same complex. Not so I can stay close to him. But because my best friend also lives there and I feel safe there in that area and don't want to move far away. And even thought it's a little expensive, I think I can make it work. Whatever happens with him, happens. I don't think i am going to tell him when I am planning on leaving. Is that rude?? Or inconsiderate?? Just pack up and go. What do you think?
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