azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 I feel so alone right now. I don't understand anything that is going on with my ex. He didn't come home last night. We have been sleeping in separate rooms this week, but he didn't come home last night. I know where he was - not with another girl. I know for a fact. He took laundry over to a friend's house and took his playstaion with him. But ... I feel like it is a slap in the face that he didn't even come home. Like I'm so terrible to be around. Lately, he is not even the same person that I have known him to be. I sent him a text message this morning saying "I miss you. Not the person you are now, but the guy I fell in love with." Was that bad?? I miss his company. I miss talking to him. He treats me like a stranger and a nuisance when we are home together and I HATE it!!! At night, I hang out with my friend whose son I watch while she is at work. She comes home and we hang out until she goes to bed (much earlier than I.) Then I go home and sit by myself. Last night would have been much harder if I had not had a friend to talk to on the phone until I was ready to go to bed. I just feel soooo alone. I want him back. I want him to come home, put his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I'm so hurt.
unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 I feel your pain soo much. I'm now on day 4 and it feels like it has been 2 years already. I sent a card today in the mail and it should be at her place by tomorrow. It was just something short, "My hand misses your hand. But more importantly, I'm missing you!" I feel soo sad right now.
bluechocolate Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 You're living with your ex? I guess you must have good reasons why that is, but you have to understand that if you are just room-mates now he can do whatever he wants, and so can you. I don't think that living together is going to work. Do you?
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Oh. I know he can do what he wants, it just hurts that he is avoiding me, that's all. And no - it is not going to work. He asked me to move in with him in February. So at the beginning of March, I did. It worked at the time because we were both living in the same apt. complex and were at each other's house almost every night. My roommate left me and he kicked his out, so he asked me to move in and I agreed. Things were going very well for us then and we both could use the help financially. Then he drops this s**t on me and I was recently off work for like a month and came back to work - temping. He wants me to move out (even though we are both on the lease, so he can't KICK me out) but I just got back to work and really can't afford to incur another $200 a month or so in bills right now especially when I don't have a permanent position somewhere. He gave me "a month to two" to get on my feet and find my own place. The plan is not to continue this any longer than necessary, but it is the way things have to be right now.
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Yes and no. I want the person that I fell in love with. That is what I want. Not the cold, angry person he has become. I would love to have him walk in the door tonight, take me in his arms, tell me how sorry he is and what an idiot he has been and tell me everything will be all right. But ... I doubt that is going to happen and I don't like the way he has been treating me or behaving lately. That's not the person that I knew him to be or thought I knew him to be.
LoosScroo Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 so.. personally, i think it would be wise to not live with your ex. being in constant contact with an ex is NOT a good thing. you need to find any way possible to get out of your place and find someone to live with. in my opinion, this in no way can be healthy for either of you. although you say that's the only way it can be right now, there has to be some other option. do it for your mental health. the reason you're hurting so much is that you see him all the time. if you didn't have contact with him it would be much better. i don't think you're in love with him anymore if he's a different person. and you can't expect him to change. you need closure and living with him is not helping in the least, i can see. hope this helps.. best of luck
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 I love the person that he was when I met him. But this new person is blatantly an a**hole and I don't even LIKE him! I just want him to treat me with a little kindness and compassion. You know?? And I won't be there for long. I just have to get some things ironed out first. Plus we are both going on vacation in a couple of weeks. We were supposed to go to Michigan together and he was going to meet my family, but now he's going to see his family to deal with a bunch of s*** going on with them. After I get back, I am going to consider my options and get going on getting out.
LoosScroo Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 sounds like a good decision.. hope it goes well for you
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Thanks! I left a letter for him today, too telling him that I thought I deserved a little more kindness than he was giving me. I told him that I could accept that he didn't want me as his girlfriend anymore but that I would not accept or tolerate cruel and nasty treatment from him because I deserved better and have not wronged him in anyway. Don't know what good it will do - maybe he will respect me more for not letting him treat me like dirt! But since we DO have to live together for a little while, I feel that we should be able to get along.
unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 It looks like you are starting to get over him. That is good to hear! Because once you stop hurting, it means it is getting better. I can't wait to be on that stage of feeling better. Although, I can tell this site is helping me alot. It may not show yet, but eventually I will get over this. It is just hell for me right now. Maybe I need to stop sending cards in the mail every couple days to help myself grieve and heal. I had thought that was a good idea at first, but I'm not sure anymore. I still do not understand the "need space to think and figure things out" deal. If my girl has cold feet, she is definately not making things better by breaking up and not willing to work on things with us. I'm afraid what will happen is what happened last time. We both move on and 6 more years go by, but maybe next time I won't be able to come back again or want to risk going through this for a 3rd time. I don't think I could handle it anymore.
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 No you couldn't handle it a third time, so why set yourself up for that again. Ask yourself - would you honestly be able to trust her if she came back to you?? Or would you always be worried that this was going to happen again?? My guy almost broke up with me once before. We took a little break and things improved (until now) BUT - I was always worried that he was going to do this to me again. And gee - what do you know? I was right. I am starting to get over him. I'm sure I will still have those sad moments. I'm sure it will not be good when I do move, but with the way he's been to me lately. I deserve better than that and can't LOVE someone who could treat me like he's been. Ya know??
unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 azgirl, you are really helping me feel alot better than I was before I got online. Honestly, I was even worried that this would happen again during this relationship, since it was the 2nd time. Whether or not that showed, I don't know? But I feel I was doing my best. That is why I say I may have not been perfect, but who is?
needadvice101 Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 I think you need to be real tough with someone who is treating you bad. If you show any sign of weakness, the other person will get the idea that, that kind of treatment is acceptable and may even think that you deserve it. Best thing is to get out of the situation, move out, find a friend etc. The message needs to be sent clearly. Also I think the best thing to do in breakups is to break contact. There is NOTHING we can say that the passage of TIME cannot. TIME is the best healer, when you don't say anything the other person has to GUESS and this drives them insane. You may think they are not thinking of you, but in a break up, both parties are thinking of the other for sure, we are humans, we cannot dissociate ourselves like that, that would be superhuman. We all have memory and some emotion. If you break contact the other person does not know if you are happy, sad, moved on, crying, etc. This guessing will force them to contact you. Moreover TIME is a great healer especially when there is anger. One good excercise it to say, "Let me wait one day then mail the card', the next day you do the same. Of course if you cannot stop yourself, then mail it, but slowly the interval between days will increase. Just my 2 cents.
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 unreal, I am glad to help out! And I am glad you are feeling better. Always makes me feel better to come here, too. This morning when I got to work, I was in tears and missing him. Now, I feel much better and stronger. And you and I need to realize the same thing. Do we really want to be with people that are second-guessing their feelings for us?? With people that need time and space?? I know (or maybe knew) EXACTLY how I felt about him and that I wanted to be with him. I never questioned that. And if they are doubting us - FOR WHATEVER REASON - then perhaps they are not right. Think of your past relationships where maybe YOU had doubts at one point in time. The point here is that they are PAST relationships and didn't work out. Nobody should have doubts if it is meant to be. And you and I can not live our lives with a partner that we are always worried is going to leave us again. Right??
unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 azgirl, you are soo RIGHT!! I could see myself a nervous wreck 24-7 and maybe end up in therapy if I had to live in that fear the rest of my life. I doubt I could be my true self and may even end up changing myself to meet what I think she will like or love. And that is not good at all. I'll still give some time for her to think on this one, but if we can't work through this time, I can't go back next time for sure. Believe me, I still love her deeply, but I will have to start thinking on my FUTURE happiness.
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Yeah. Me too. It sucks right now. And I will miss him, but these people are toying with our emotions and who's to say that it would stop if they came back?? You know?? I think you and I both should spend some time convincing ourselves to get off this roller-coaster ride. I'm glad to hear you talk about your FUTURE happiness! That's healthy. Honestly, don't let her do this to YOU again. As someone else on here put it - "i am not a yo-yo." Don't be a yo-yo. I did it with mine for a while. He's not talking about coming back, but he changes his mind so quickly so you never know. And maybe yours will try to come back. But I think you should care about YOURSELF not to let her. I know of that fear. I always had it with mine. Told him that, too. And he would say "I'm not going anywhere." Yeah, right! Look what's happening now. Even after all his reassurances he's doing it again. Do I need to keep doing this over and over??? Do you?? I think we know the answer.
Author azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 unreal- hey, I gotta go! The workday is over. I don't have a computer at home, but I'll do what I can to get to the library to check up on ya tomorrow. Talk to you soon! Chin up! You've helped me a lot today too. Thanks!
unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 I hate to think that way though about them toying with our emotions. It sounds cold and cruel, but you have a valid point by saying that. Like I said, I know I will get through this. It takes time naturally and with good support from people like yourself, it makes it that much faster. Naturally, we are just hurt and feel letdown by the partner and disappointed in what happened. Much like you, I had already planned in my mind the rest of my life with this person. And I was ready to take the step that she had wanted earlier from me. But it didn't work out that way and maybe for good reason? I wonder what it would be like if I had married her and had kids already and had to go through this crap? We can always look at it that way. This may be a blessing we will thank ourselves for later.
cantforget Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 Hey azgirl, how did the note go. I am tempted to do similar with my ex but I feel he may think that its an empty threat. I mean what am I going to do if he doesn't start treating me better, take away my friendship. Its pretty clear he doesn't care that much about it anyway or he wouldn't be treating me like ****. Our ex's sound so similar.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 cantforget - I'd like to say that I had success with the note, but I honestly don't know. I haven't actually seen him since I gave it to him. He has been staying at a friend's house for a week now. I saw him briefly on Sunday and not since. I wish I knew what was going on. unreal - I'm back. What's up with you? Any new developments?
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 azgirl, there have been some new developments since we last talked. Remember when I said that I tried calling last friday and left a message for her to call me back sometime. Well, she did call me back on Sunday. We talked for over a half hour and it was a pleasant talk. BUT, she still needs more time to figure things out and said that she will let me know within this month for sure. Normally, I wouldn't think that was good news at all. And it may not be. BUT, she says that she is still in love with me very much, misses me and thinks that we will be getting back together. She just needs some time. So I'm not sure what to think for sure. I don't want to think she is definately coming back, only to call me here soon and tell me that she isn't coming back. This really sucks waiting like this with no real assurance or guarantees at all. But it does seem like things are looking better. I just don't want to get my hopes up to only have them destroyed.
Author azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Well that sounds positive! Just be careful. Really pisses me off to see people get strung along. I, too, have talked to mine. What do you think of this?? Well let me start by saying he still hasn't come home. He is still staying with his friend. But on Sunday, I needed to get the mail. He is the only one who has a key to the mailbox and I hadn't been able to get my mail all week. So ... I went to his workplace to get it. Called him up and told him that I was out back waiting for it. So he gave it to me. I was going to turn right around and leave, but he was staring at me like he wanted to say something. So, I said "What?" He said, "Why did you have to say 'if you ever come home?'" I said, "Because I didn't know where you went or when you were coming back." (he was refering to a text message that I sent him last week) So confirmed where I thought he was. Then we hugged and he held me tightly. I told him that I thought our animals didn't feel well and he said he'd be home after work. So he came home and again hugged me and held me very tightly and put his head down on mine. I asked him why he was so angry and hostile toward me the last time I saw him. He said "I don't want to talk about it." Naturally. So I just told him that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment and that I just wanted him to be nice to me and that I wanted an explanation of why he was so angry with me. He said he would give me one "someday." Whatever. So he made it sound like he was going to come home soon, but he was home to get some things because he was headed back over to his buddies house. He said he just needed some time to himself and that he hadn't come home because whenever he does, the "inquiries start." I don't get it. Of course, I am going to ask questions. Who wouldn't. What's going on? Is he just taking a time out for himself to try to come back and see if we can work it out, or is he avoiding me altogether??
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 azgirl, the way it sounds to me is this. He is basically still confused with what he is wanting, whether it be you or not. I'm thinking that his statement of "inquiries start" means that he feels that you guys cannot talk about anything except, "What's wrong with us?". Fair or not, maybe he is wanting to avoid the issue or problems altogether for now and see if you guys can find that old love you once had for each other by talking about other things. Basically, starting over again. Does that make sense? I'm not sure really.
unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 azgirl, what do you think of my situation now? Any thoughts or opinions?
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