Alone for the holidays ?

[bohica]

My mother called my girlfriend who I have been dating for over a year to invite her over for Christmas dinner.

 

This would be our first Christmas together and my mother has yet to spend time with her. I thought it was a nice thing to do especially since she has not been that welcoming of her the past year.

 

My girlfriend and I seem to be growing apart lately (at least in my mind).

I asked her if she got my mothers message and she said yes and that "she had to think about it" I thought why..so I asked. "what do you need to think about" she said "I might want to spend the holidays alone"

 

She may not have her son which will give her rare time alone.

 

My questions are shouldn't she be excited about (looking forward to, at the least) having a special holiday with me? Our first. Am I wrong for being a little sensitive about this ? I told her it doesn't make me feel special and she doesn't seem to be thinking of us. Why be in a relationship if you want to be alone on a day when most wish they had someone special to spend it with? Might as well just date and not give a ****...

 

I told her I want to share it with someone special and that I think of her when I think of this up coming holiday. She first said, "why do you have to read into it" then she changed her tune and said she would come or just be with me. Now I feel I manipulated her. Doh! I want her to do what she wants even if that means being alone. Its her decision but it's not what I want right in someone. Maybe I should have said nothing and let it play out. Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.....

[bohica]

Why is it that I'm always one of maybe two other people who never ever get feedback from other members?

 

I see other members get dozens of responses to pretty trivial threads...

[soulm8]

This would be our first Christmas together and my mother has yet to spend time with her. I thought it was a nice thing to do especially since she has not been that welcoming of her the past year.

 

My girlfriend and I seem to be growing apart lately (at least in my mind). I asked her if she got my mothers message and she said yes and that "she had to think about it" I thought why..so I asked. "what do you need to think about" she said "I might want to spend the holidays alone"

 

My questions are shouldn't she be excited about (looking forward to, at the least) having a special holiday with me? Our first. Am I wrong for being a little sensitive about this?

 

It's possible your girlfriend was thinking your first Christmas together would be just the two of you... especially if your mother hasn't been particularly welcoming. It's nice that she invited her, but perhaps the invitation caught her by surprise and is a completely different picture of what she was expecting.

 

If you feel you've been growing apart lately, are you talking about it?

 

Oh, and I don't understand why the trivial threads get so many responses either.

[Feelsgoodman]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your gut instinct is probably right and it appears that your relationship is pretty much over. In her mind, she has already decided to end things with you, but not immediately, as she is yet to find a suitable replacement. That's why she's not too keen on spending Christmas with you and your mom. Women usually get all depressed and stuff when they have to spend the holidays alone, so her story about not wanting to be alone does not check out. She doesn't want to be alone but she want to be with you and even and your mom even less...that should tell you something.

 

Of course, there is also the possibility that she's holding a grudge against your mom (perhaps because of the way your mom treated her in the past) and hates the idea of having to spend time with her...

[bohica]

It's possible your girlfriend was thinking your first Christmas together would be just the two of you... especially if your mother hasn't been particularly welcoming. It's nice that she invited her, but perhaps the invitation caught her by surprise and is a completely different picture of what she was expecting.

 

If you feel you've been growing apart lately, are you talking about it?

Oh, and I don't understand why the trivial threads get so many responses either.

 

You bring up a valid point but a two weeks ago when she realized she may not have her son she mentioned going away...as in " Maybe I can go away ". I talked to her this morning and first she said she'll come to my mothers if she doesn't have her son then she said she doesn't know what she wants. I feel a sense of manipulation on my part because I expressed my feelings about what she said.

 

She doesn't know my mom hasn't been welcoming. I just have felt that over the past year. She's nice and asks about her from time to time but just never takes that extra step. My girlfriends personal situation is way beyond normal...two ex's, a son, insanely strict middle eastern conservative parents.....(although shes 37)

 

I have spoken to her recently about feeling a sense of change in her and how she feels and she just says "thats not true"...of course the ultimate response one would want to hear is..."no not at all, I love you...etc,etc,," One thing is, it's hard to talk to her because she gets frustrated with having serious conversations and would rather not deal with it. I think she feels pressure. It only makes me look needy and over sensitive. I think she would rather nothing be said about anything and someone that nothing at all bothers them..someone indifferent who doesn't care. In her mind it all should be easy, no questions and that I read into things too much. I'll ask you as I asked her. When someone tells you they may want to be alone for the holidays wouldn't that warrant some reading into?

 

To get a better understanding of the relationship you might do me a favor and read my other posts.

 

I know it's a few weeks before Christmas but when she someone you expect to be excited about your fist holiday together tells you she may want to be alone there may be grounds to end it sooner then later. Especially when you have felt certain behavioral changes the past few weeks.

Edited December 8, 2011 by bohica

[soulm8]

You bring up a valid point but two weeks ago when she realized she may not have her son she mentioned going away...as in " Maybe I can go away ". I talked to her this morning and first she said she'll come to my mothers if she doesn't have her son then she said she doesn't know what she wants. I feel a sense of manipulation on my part because I expressed my feelings about what she said.

 

She doesn't know my mom hasn't been welcoming. I just have felt that over the past year. She's nice and asks about her from time to time but just never takes that extra step. My girlfriends personal situation is way beyond normal...two ex's, a son, insanely strict middle eastern conservative parents.....(although shes 37)

 

I have spoken to her recently about feeling a sense of change in her and how she feels and she just says "thats not true"...of course the ultimate response one would want to hear is..."no not at all, I love you...etc,etc,," One thing is, it's hard to talk to her because she gets frustrated with having serious conversations and would rather not deal with it. I think she feels pressure. It only makes me look needy and over sensitive. I think she would rather nothing be said about anything and someone that nothing at all bothers them..someone indifferent who doesn't care. In her mind it all should be easy, no questions and that I read into things too much. I'll ask you as I asked her. When someone tells you they may want to be alone for the holidays wouldn't that warrant some reading into?

 

To get a better understanding of the relationship you might do me a favor and read my other posts.

 

I know it's a few weeks before Christmas but when she someone you expect to be excited about your first holiday together tells you she may want to be alone there may be grounds to end it sooner then later. Especially when you have felt certain behavioral changes the past few weeks.

 

Wow! I just read through your other posts and I see red flags all over the place. Yes, her wanting to be alone for the holidays is abnormal... but now I can see that this shouldn't be a surprise.

 

two years after we met ... she moved out and sought legal separation. It was around that time that we started to communicate much more and shared our first kiss one romantic afternoon. She always had this amazing way of making feel a sense of value. She has always been a beaming light of positive reinforcement of encouragement and of support. She loved speaking to me about my work and fully engaged me about my passions and dreams. I've never experienced such encouraging support before. I love talking to her and spending time with her and although we have barely nothing in common I adored her. My feelings for her grew quickly but the pace had to remain slow and steady and very quiet. It was important for us to keep a low profile for a little while.

I hate to say it, but you were clearly a rebound... to help her get through the divorce. You are clearly not feeling valued, appreciated, encouraged, supported or loved these days. Sure, it was reasonable to respect her need to keep a low profile for a little while... but over a year and to the extremes? That is not reasonable; that's very questionable.

 

Her marriage was over well before it started but she stayed in it for 8yrs. Unhappy, lonely. She finally got the nerve to go. During the separation and later during the divorce paperwork went unsigned, undelivered, and challenged by her ex. He has stalked her and continues to try and make contact. The holidays came around last year and he would just show up uninvited. This obviously put stress on me. As much as I tried to understand and sympathize, she was married for 6yrs after all, it was still hard for me. To this day, over a year later he still is persistent, even with just trying to be "friends". Late night phone calls, emails, texts, etc... He's never let her be alone. He's even followed us in his car.

She married him. He didn't force her to exchange vows, did he? It sounds like he's got a lot of unresolved feelings and bitterness towards her. Do you see how she's done the same thing to you as she did to him?? She's the common denominator... staying with someone, claiming everything's fine and she just needs space, etc.... Wouldn't you be somewhat hesitant to sign the paperwork without knowing what the hell went wrong? Wouldn't you be a tad suspicious that she'd met someone else... despite her claiming there's no one and making it hard to prove because she's so sneaky??

 

Her son who obviously means the world to her is the result of a mistake she made at a very young age. Her and his father had a short marriage that ended when he was just two yrs old. He (the father) is without question a dead beat dad who doesn't come close to not only living up to his financial responsibility but to his custody as well. He's there one weekend out of the month when it should every weekend. He cancels at the last moment, picks up at the last moment. Communicates to her through his son. Talks down to her, yells at her, sends nasty texts messages, hangs up on her and is just completely uncooperative. Year after year after year. This obviously puts stress on us because we can't make plans. It doesn't help that she also works weekends. Her time off is rare as she works most weekends and when she is off she will most likely have her son. If she is working her parents watch him.

I may be a bit quirky, but I see those points as reflecting more poorly on her than on the father. What I mean is, no, there's no excuse for being a deadbeat, however, I can see how his actions and choices are directed as revenge towards her, not his son. Can you see that? We "teach" others how to treat us by how we treat them. He obviously has little respect or patience for this woman. Their son is an innocent victim.

 

You are clearly at the very bottom of her priority list.

 

Although her mother knows about me I live in the shadows in almost complete darkness. After over a year of dating and six months after her divorce and in my mid forties I need to be kept in the closet. I have to park my car on the corner so her parents won't see it in the driveway. The other day we noticed her parents were coming down the block in there car. She got nervous and asked me to hide downstairs. Lucky they made a right turn. Understanding to a certain extent is that its the same with her son.

 

I have understood in the past that our relationship needs to be kept secret from him. Hes been through a lot and hes not at the age of understanding. However, I also believe that as a parent one has the ability to control the development of our children and despite the situation we can raise well adjusted people. He is aware of me but I've only met him and have been around him four or five times in a year. She's tells him were just friends but he's a very curious ,demanding, and aggressive young man. He reads her mail, listens in her phone conversations, reads her texts messages, etc..I can't come over when he's there, or call when hes home. She goes to bed when hes goes to bed. Won't talk to me even when hes sleeping, drives him to school and picks him up. Two months ago we were coming home from dinner and as we drove up he was being dropped off from a play date. She asked me get out two blocks away.

Are you certain her mother knows about you? The impression I get from your story is that you've been portrayed as a friend/coworker; not a serious boyfriend with whom she's having a relationship. Why are you accepting this ridiculous treatment? Why on earth, would an 11 year old boy be reading his mother's mail, text messages, etc.? It all sounds very fishy and highly disrespectful of you.

 

Finally, lately I've been in a really bad place. My business is failing, i've returned back to college to better myself and I'm having a hard time emotionally and financially and I think she feels it. I think, that at a time when I need to feel her energy the most, when I need to feel her support the most she's pulling away. But, I'm not sure. It may just be me but I'm not feeling the energy right now. She used to call me every morning, every night.

Please focus on your business. It needs your attention much more than she does. It will also be more rewarding.

 

So, before the divorce, it was fine for her to call you every morning and every night... with her son around... but now that she's divorced, she can't? That doesn't even make any sense! It sounds more like she's devoting her free time to making someone else feel an "amazing sense of value and encouragement"... buttering up her next victim.

 

I recently had two talks with her about how I feel and she ensured me things are ok. This morning she had to cut the conversation short because she had to get ready for work. She said she would call me on the way to work but never did. That to me is sending a strong message. Its the holidays once again and I can't be with her. She wouldn't even think of it. I'm not sure if I should go break up with her, talk to her again, or just hold out because all this may just be me and my mental state at the moment. I sometimes can't help thinking that someone else is keeping her occupied because im not giving her what she needs right now or is this whole thing due to the fact that shes not giving me what I want? I've been very patient and understanding. I need her now more then ever yet at the same time I'm feeling distance and not much chemistry. It could be me but I usually have great instincts.

 

I want to spend a nice holiday with her. I want to buy her a card or write her a letter without having to hide it or throw it out. We have been together long enough and I'm old enough to not have to hide in a basement or get out of the car two blocks away.

 

She states that everything is fine and that she has just been busy and that it's all just natural.

I bet her 2 exes have heard that line more than they'd like to admit. Trust your instincts!!

 

Its hard to give someone the kind of attention and love your used to giving if you don't get the same in return. I feel a little unappreciated and a little less significant these days.

 

I can't help but think she needs her space right now but I am not sure if i am right or wrong and if correct not sure how to do it. Should I listen to my instincts? Should I back off with out saying anything or tell her?

Yes, you should listen to your instincts. This relationship is not healthy nor is it progressing in a normal matter... in fact, it's regressed and she's stringing you along just as she did the others... until the next one is ready to be serious (and hopefully lives up to her Daddy's ideal).

 

I spoke to her today and she said nothing has changed and that she simply just needs her space once in a while. That she just needs to turn everything off every so often and it doesn't mean she isn't thinking about me or doesn't love me. I think I need to respect that and see what happens. I think I can trust that if something is wrong she will tell me.

Again, I guarantee those words were said to her exes and then they were blindsided with her moving on. Edited December 9, 2011 by soulm8

[bohica]

I have to say I'm surprised you took the time.

 

Again, you make so many valid points. The holidays things really upset me and is the deciding factor on my decision to break up with her. I haven't done it yet but she knows. We talked..

 

I told her that she's not giving me what I want and what she used to provide me. I told her I didn't feel like I was an important part of her life anymore.I actually told her that I needed to break it off now before she does it to me and it seems that now that her life is moving forward I'm no longer needed.

 

We started to talk about everything and she opened up and told me she has had apprehensions and has been harboring doubt. To which I replied "then why haven't you broken up with me"

 

So, were meeting for a cup of coffee tomorrow morning just to kind of

say it out loud. I've had a lot of fun and she was (and is) a great friend to me. I'm not burning a bridge here. I care for her. I just need to move on and work on myself...

I can't be with someone who doesn't want me and I won't be strung along.I'm sorry it has come to this, she has meant so much to me but I see the signs. For her sake I think she needs to live a little and be a single mom for a while...

Edited December 9, 2011 by bohica

[soulm8]

Yes, I read it all... pretty hard to give advice without having read it.

 

I'm pleased to hear that you're taking a stand. Good for you! Too many men allow "beautiful" women to take them for granted. Be strong and true to yourself... you deserve better than this.

[bohica]

It was hard but its done. I regretfully started to get into details a little and some finger pointing started but I put a stop to that. I don't think its fair to point fingers, we know where the problems are and Im at fault as well.

 

I found myself being a little needy and more frustrated with things. There become an inbalance between good and bad. I only wish that she handled her issues a little differently.

I accepted it all and understood what I was getting into. I blame no one I just think things in her life could be handled better. Mine too.

 

She, no matter why we were together or what brought us there was a great friend and has been there for me in a lot of ways. I don't want to lose her but unfortunately she's not giving what I want and need right now and she may not ever be able to.

 

Even being with her this morning.....I enjoyed it. I liked just being with her and having coffee. It was hard....it will be hard.

[soulm8]

Breaking up is never an easy thing but it sounds like you've grown from the experience; having a better understanding of your needs and how you contributed to the breakdown.

 

I give you a lot of credit for having the strength to stand up for yourself at this time of year, especially when you're feeling not so great.

 

You will miss her, but you'll be missing the her she used to be... you do deserve more than she was willing to give.

[bohica]

I'm not sure about anything.

 

I just know things have been different. I think Im just protecting myself.

I really need her the most right now but also feel like it may not work out in

the long run. I see it starting to run its course. Ya know what I mean?

 

Breaking up this time of year

Probably wasn't the most tasteful thing to do but what she said

made me feel it didn't matter much.

 

I feel terrible about it all. She's been through so much.

I love her and she's been my best friend.

A long break to me to get my **** together is probably what I need.

 

Thank you for taking the time. There is so much more I can say.It's just good to get it all down.