Snap me out of this!

[missed_theboat]

I'm such an anxious person sometimes, especially in relationships.

 

I just got back with my boyfriend after a two-month "break-up" during which we reevaluated our love for each other. In other words, we realized it was true and that we couldn't imagine being apart. I'm 23 and he's 26. Now, we live about an hour and a half apart. We have always been faithful to each other, honest, and respectful. I trust him and I know he loves me.

 

We went on a trip together recently and he said that he really wants to build a future with me. But, since we don't see each other everyday now, and we used to, I get anxious about not talking to him often.

 

In other words, I am slipping into the slightly needy category again.

 

For instance, I receive texts from him throughout the day, or phone calls. Sometimes it's just him being sweet with a text that lets me know he's thinking about me. Often he'll call me before bed, or text me goodnight. In between, it depends on what is going on. Often he'll be somewhere and not have his phone on him. He's one of the types that doesn't have a fancy phone, so he only uses it for calling and texting.

 

I just get anxious a lot about our communication frequency. I guess I don't think we should talk 24/7, but sometimes I text him and he won't respond for a while. I just worry too much about meaningless things. I need to snap out of this, or else it will cause me to lash out in resentment (for nothing!). He's a loving boyfriend and I know that, so why do I have such trouble with wondering what is up and what everything "means".

 

Every little thing doesn't have to mean something. It doesn't have to signal a change in the relationship. I just have to get my crap together but at the moment, I guess I'm just nervous because this relationship (although old) is fairly new in a way. Goodness, I over-analyze everything ... can anyone relate? I know it's immature and detrimental, so what do I do to quell this behavior?

[baker23]

My boyfriend and I live about 40 miles away, so we only see each other once or twice a week. When we first started dating I was very paranoid and clingy at times; I had dated a cheater before him. He told me to have faith in him, and to do things on my own. So I dediced to join a gym, and do other activities to keep my mind occupied and not just spend my time thinking what he was up to.

 

The good thing is you know what you do is not right; therefore, you can do something about it. I tell you the same thing he told me; get a hobby, join a club, do things to fill your time, so you don't constantly obsess about him.

[missed_theboat]

Yeah good point. Right now I am in the process of getting another job. In fact, I go to my training for it next week. That will help a lot in keeping me busy.

 

I talked to him tonight and said he sounded off and he said he wasn't. I kind of pressed it and he said not to worry about him and that everything was fine. I said "I know, I just get nervous at the beginning of things... like our relationship." and he said "We've been together a long time. This is just a new beginning. But it's an adult one," meaning (in my opinion) that there's no room for childish assumptions or overreacting. It made me realize that sometimes I just gotta take it easy and not WORRY so much. Things are going to be OKAY! If I just relax and make light of things instead of harping on and on about "what's wrong" when nothing is wrong.

 

The sad thing is, if you anticipate something to be wrong, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For instance, nothing is wrong, but I badger him until he becomes upset at my insecurity and ends up irritated, thus making something wrong after all. Yuck. NOT the kind of attitude I want to have.

 

This is great that I am aware now and can reverse the harmful thinking that may lead to this sort of behavior!

[Imageiko]

It's not just being busy, I'd suggest find a hobby to take up some time. Something that your passionate about and that you make progress with and enjoy doing.

[missed_theboat]

It's just that even when we're together, I have this tendency to always assume something is wrong even when it's not. I project what his feelings may be, even though they really aren't.

 

God, I just know that this will cause a huge problem... if I don't get my **** together.

[missed_theboat]

Today started well, with him calling me this morning to wake me up.

 

He had come down to visit me for the night—last night and I had angered him a little with my comments that he was not feeling well, when he surely was.

 

So—he called me to say hello this morning and to talk—we chatted about our dreams, etc. Then he said he was driving to his house and had to go in and shower, so he would call me back after.

 

Then when he called me back, he said he had to go back to work, because today was a very busy day—so he told me he loved me and got off the phone.

 

I called him later to let him know about my job training this coming week. Then, he said he was in the car with his mom and asked if he could call me back later, because they were running errands. I asked if he was going to go ahead and go to a play with his mom tonight and he said yes.

 

Back-story: He had mentioned coming to see me tonight, and I was psyched about it, but then shortly after he called to tell me he remembered he had been invited to a play with his mom and dad, and so he wouldn’t be coming down. I was okay with it, since he did come to visit me last night. But, then he said he might change his mind. He was unsure, but didn’t give me any promises.

 

So, after I learned he was going to the play, instead of being nice about it, I said “Oh, you decided after all?” and he said, “Yes, I figured it would be better than just sitting at home being bored…”

 

To which I interjected, “Or coming to see me…”

 

And he said “…be quiet. You know that’s not the reason. I realized that my mom had expected me to go, so I decided. I had told you before I may not go…”

 

Instead of dropping it, I just kept on saying “Oh, but you said you weren’t sure…” and making comments about it.

 

He was irritated because I was giving him **** for his decision, which did not include me. But, he said he loved me and told me he’d talk to me later.

 

I texted him and asked him to call me later.

 

Later, he did call me, asking me what I needed to talk about. I said, “Oh, I just wanted to chat,” and he said “Well, we’ve talked on the phone a lot today…”

 

We chitchatted for a little, but then he wasn’t really into talking—we had already talked a lot that day and he doesn’t like being on the phone that much. So he told me to have a good night and enjoy whatever I did. I told him the same.

 

Later, I got into a tiff with my dad and texted my boyfriend to tell him I was upset, so he immediately called me to ask about it. Instead of talking about my issue with my dad, I asked what my boyfriend was up to. He said he was in his car going to the mall to get some more Christmas gifts before his parents decided what they were doing tonight (his dad was called away on business so they may not go to the play). Instead of going along with my story, I said. “Oh, god, you could have come to see me instead.”

 

Silence. Then he got mad. He said “How long are you going to make me feel bad about not coming to visit you?” He became really irritated and told me that enough was enough, about the issue. He had already told me that he may not be able to come to see me, that it had nothing to do with me, and my insecurity was really causing him a lot of anxiety. He said that I had to get my stuff together or else it was going to ruin us—as I had expected. He said he loved me but he was interested in action—in me being positive.

 

He has truly been so kind and nice and supportive to me lately that I am really really in the wrong here. I may lose him if I cannot get my **** together. Seriously, I need a therapist.