kaylan Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) I was thinking just now. About just how rare it is to find someone who hit all the levers that make you go ga-ga. I have had crazy, stupid, real love only once. At 22/23. It was the love where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could be with that girl forever. Like I was soooo sure of my feelings and love for her. She just taught me what real love and passion was. I just turned 25 in October, graduated Uni in August, and am doing the big adult mid 20s transition into real life. Im trying to get my professional career started, trying to play in a gigging band again(and maybe hit big), and go out a lot more too. It will be the first time I ever have a good amount of disposable income since Im not a broke teenager or college student any longer. Basically I want to live up my youth while I still can, but I feel this conflicts with the romanticism thats always lived in me. I want to go out, and dance, and meet girls, and maybe have some fun with them if the feeling is right. But at the same time I long for crazy passionate "the Notebook" type young love. But my desire to have fun and go out and meet different women really throws a wrench in this feeling. I desire to have love and make passionate love to someone I care about, but I also desire to be a lady killing night life boy. Its confusing, because in my teens and early 20s I always told myself that if I meet the right girl, that that was it for me. That I could commit at any time because thats what i really wanted. But after being heartbroken or hurt a couple times in the past few years, and also going to Uni and tasting the nightlife....well that changed things for me. Now I feel like I want to enjoy things as much as possible, and I feel I couldnt drop everything and commit right then and there like I used to feel. It scares me and makes me feel Ill miss out on a great girl. Maybe even one of the loves of my life. The thing is I refuse to hurt someone and jump into anything with how unsure I am feeling now. Because I wouldnt want to get cold feet and breakup with a girl and ruin even having them in my life at all. I guess Im wondering if its possible to meet someone who gives you that fire in your mind, heart, and in your groin...but avoid it until you are ready. Maybe be just friends and hopefully they are still available when you feel you could give them your all. But who am I kidding. Who is really good at being just friends with someone theres intense chemistry and compatibility with? It always seems impossible for people to ignore those feelings and Ive never been good at it myself. Im just torn and confused. Why are our teens and 20s like this =/ Edited December 7, 2011 by kaylan
snug.bunny Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 If you're not available/open to a relationship with someone, that "someone" isn't for you, and you're not that "someone" for her. Yes, people/circumstances change and sometimes the timing may be right down the road, but, you have to live your life in the present and sometimes that means forgetting about said person.
ditzchic Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 If you really were stupid, crazy in love with her I can't see why you would want to "have fun" with other girls. Is it because you think you will never do better than her in the long run? Methinks this isn't real love. You just haven't found anyone else that makes you feel that way, yet. You're young though. It could happen, it could not. What you need to figure out is can you deal with the possibility that you might not ever feel that way about someone again. While you're out having your fun, she could meet the man that makes her feel that way and write you off completely and you may never hear from her again. Are you ok with that? I's really not fair to her or the other girls you want to have "fun" with. You can't expect her to wait around for you and you shouldn't just go breaking other's hearts just for funsies while your hung up on this "love" you have built up in your head. If you decide your fun is more important right now you need to let her go completely. I really do believe that timing is a huge issue in relationships being sustainable and sometimes things could work in another time/place. But you can't count on this. It's a could type situation, not a given. Time doesn't always change things in the way we want it to.
Author kaylan Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Btw this thread is not about a particular girl. Its just me thinking out loud about my current feelings towards my dating life and what I want to do with it. If you're not available/open to a relationship with someone, that "someone" isn't for you, and you're not that "someone" for her. Yes, people/circumstances change and sometimes the timing may be right down the road, but, you have to live your life in the present and sometimes that means forgetting about said person. I dont know if that first sentence is particurly true. Especially when you seemingly contradict in with the last sentence. I used to think that if someone was right for someone else, that things would just happen. But now Im older and recognize people go through stages and putting your heart out there is a big thing. Id rather two people stave off a potential relationship until the right time, instead of what normally happens, which is jumping into things even though the times not right, and then losing the friendship because of that. If you really were stupid, crazy in love with her I can't see why you would want to "have fun" with other girls. Is it because you think you will never do better than her in the long run? Methinks this isn't real love. You just haven't found anyone else that makes you feel that way, yet. You're young though. It could happen, it could not. What you need to figure out is can you deal with the possibility that you might not ever feel that way about someone again. While you're out having your fun, she could meet the man that makes her feel that way and write you off completely and you may never hear from her again. Are you ok with that? I's really not fair to her or the other girls you want to have "fun" with. You can't expect her to wait around for you and you shouldn't just go breaking other's hearts just for funsies while your hung up on this "love" you have built up in your head. If you decide your fun is more important right now you need to let her go completely. I really do believe that timing is a huge issue in relationships being sustainable and sometimes things could work in another time/place. But you can't count on this. It's a could type situation, not a given. Time doesn't always change things in the way we want it to. See its not just about fun with other girls and going out. Its also about knowing one is not ready to put their heart out there just yet and wants to feel out a friendship with the person they are interested in. Seeing if the friendship stands some time on its own before jumping into anything. If I met a girl right now who made me feel the way my ex did, or even more intensely, I would not date her. Not because I think I could do better, because if I feel about her the way I felt for my ex, no other girl compares in regards to my heart or how well I could do. My reasoning would be that I would not want to ruin any small possibility in the future of having her in my life at all, by dating her now when Im not ready. Yeah Im young, but it shouldnt be this way. Its backwards I feel. Like I was so ready in my teens and early 20s, and now Im in my mid 20s and not ready. It should be the other way around. But its just a stage Im hoping. But it feels more drawn out then my past stages where I wanted to just go out all the time and party with friends. And the thing is, Im not expecting a girl who I click with to wait up for me. If she meets someone else who gives her the butterflies, im cool with that. Its still better than me dating her and potentially hurting her because the timing wasnt right. It seems better to me that you hold off in hopes of timing being better in the future and still at least having a good friend. Rather than being impulsive and going all for broke and if things dont work out, then youre left with nothing. And I think you misunderstand what I mean when I say I want to go out and have fun. I wouldnt be hurting anyone. I never ever hook up with a girl if we arent on the same page. If I feel she wants something I dont want, I back off because I dont like leading people on. When i said I wanted to have fun, I meant a mutual agreement to go out and dance and enjoy ourselves together. And hell I still want to go to a few more raves and even experiment with a couple drugs I havent tried before, but I doubt most gf material chicks would like that. But I figure if I can mesh different things, I can def find a chick who can eventually. I have my college degrees and could go to work with a suit on and noone would know that on the weekend Im a tatted up rocker with piercings who plays bass in a alt rock band and loves to listen to raver music as well. In a perfect world, Id find a girl whos like me and enjoys partying despite having a boyfriend and a career. Someone who can balance those things and not let them interfere with one another. And also someone who can stay loyal and handle themselves properly while partying. However, most girls arent cool with a bf who likes to go out to the bars and clubs while in a relationship. I really do enjoy the atmosphere, music and chilling with my bros. though.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Most women won't understand this because they figure if you meet someone you are truly head over heels for you should drop everything and change your whole life with them...funny enough this practice that many women do and end up jaded later on because it wasn't what they thought it was. You're doing the right thing about acknowledging your feelings and trying to find a way to kind of do both at the same time without hurting anyone. But ultimately it's not up to you to determine how you feel...if you don't feel ready you don't feel ready. Be honest with women upfront and try to make your actions match your words (something I have a hard time doing as I'm a passionate guy and women always take that for me wanting to be with them forever when it's the only speed that I have). But don't take responsibility for what women want and yearn from men, it is not your job to fulfill their ultimate goals and desires, don't let them hold you accountable for actions and decisions they choose to make as well as don't tell them what not to do and be overprotective. Love is a game where someone always ends up getting hurt, unfortunately you can't do anything about that, and you're either on the giving end or the receiving end of it. Be honest with women and what your intentions are before hand, and if they still want to stick around that's their problem...women like to act like all men are manipulative just because they aren't being big girls and making wise decisions for themselves, women cannot control their emotions however and it may be up to you decide to pull the plug. Whatever you do always treat women with respect and empathy, you don't have to be the perfect guy and you can't control how they feel. Do what you have to do to get where you need to be and when you're ready then you can take it to the next level, don't fight the desire to and try to be with one girl out of guilt, you'll just end up burning women even deeper when in the end you cannot do it because you aren't ready. A few more things to remember: Women cannot just do the friends with benefits things for long, especially if you are intense person that feeds into their needs...you will fail If you meet someone you are truly crazy about, trust me...it can happen again, you don't know what a soul mate truly is without experience so don't act like it's the end all be all of relationships...trust me this is a mistake many people make and cling onto Edited December 8, 2011 by Ninjainpajamas
Author kaylan Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Women cannot just do the friends with benefits things for long, especially if you are intense person that feeds into their needs...you will fail What do you mean by fail? Do you mean the typical situation where the lady wants more and then thinks kinda crash and burn? Because if you mean that, for some reason Ive always had the opposite experience with hook ups. The girls always tend to kind of want to just use me and that be that. On a couple of occasions I actually fell for the chick before physical stuff happened. Things just got complicated afterwords.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I mean you'll fail at keeping them at arms distance, if you're "too good" at what you do, which is being passionate, affectionate, along with a host of other qualities while you do the FWB thing. So your experiences are different than mine, I give/indulged them with too much and then it ended up turning on me. If you do too good, they'll want more. If you do average or less than they might be able to walk away easier.
Recommended Posts