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Roll up my sleeves & fight for this or just walk away??


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Posted

Last year I came out of a 20 year relationship/marriage that was not very healthy. After a few months I started going out some & dating casually. I ended up dating one man for quite awhile and really wasn't seeing anyone else. Wonderful guy but I knew it wasn't going anywhere serious nor did I want it too, I wasn't looking for that at all. Then in April of this year I met my current BF. Everything I said about not being in a serious relationship went straight down the tubes when I met him. I was so swept off my feet. I started seeing him exclusively. Things went real fast, probably faster then we should have allowed them too but we were having a ball and very much enjoying each other in many ways. About October (6 months in) we started having some Little spats over stupid stuff but when he gets upset with me, he totally clams up. He gets angry & then will ignore me some times for a couple days despite my efforts to talk to him about it. I try to respect when he asks me for some time but just letting things sit & simmer is not something I feel is a good idea, it doesn't work for me. Also he seems to feel he is never in the wrong about anything, it usually ends up getting turned around into something I've done wrong. We're both very stubborn people. It seems that we both have good intentions & mean well with things but the other gets defensive or upset and then gets mad. Anyway...we're both to the point of just being fed up with it. We both care about each other deeply and have admitted it but don't say the L word or anything like that much at all. Scary!! lol Anyway..I've taken steps to correct the communication problems I have and am willing to change anything that's broken but I'm not losing myself into this relationship like i did last time. At this point he's said to me, that he thinks maybe he's not meant to be in a relationship with anyone because he seems to only upset/hurt my feelings and he just wants to separate himself from everyone he knows in an effort to not hurt anyone anymore. I feel like I'm basically getting told it's over & he doesn't want to deal with this relationship anymore. So...do I reiterate my feelings for him and tell him that's not what I want, encourage us to work through this and realize that it will take time for us both to learn how to be in a new relationship with a different person (he also came out of a long marriage last year), or do I just say forget it and let go. I don't want too, I really care for him, more than I even did my ex husband and I don't want to forfeit the happiness I've found but I don't want him to be unhappy at my expense either. What do you guys think? Are we impatient, are we being fools, am I being a fool?? Input please.

Posted

I think he's telling you he doesn't want a relationship, that seems pretty clear to me from what he is saying. Also you don't seem that compatible anyway, both hard-headed and stubborn, it would only get worse.

 

I think you are being a fool and he is reaping the benefits. And you haven't said you loved each other in six months? I mean what's the point, easy call for me.

Posted
Also he seems to feel he is never in the wrong about anything, it usually ends up getting turned around into something I've done wrong.

 

This is a character defect that will never go away and is likely to make your life miserable particularly as the limerance of first love wears off. Are you sure you want this? It's not an insignificant problem.

 

.At this point he's said to me, that he thinks maybe he's not meant to be in a relationship with anyone because he seems to only upset/hurt my feelings and he just wants to separate himself from everyone he knows in an effort to not hurt anyone anymore.

 

Aawww, he's not getting his way so he's just going to go eat worms. :rolleyes:

 

Your interpretation is correct. He's not willing to put himself out to fix the relationship. It's not valuable enough for him. It's my way or the highway, I'm not going to work on anything, and if you give me trouble, I'm going to move on.

 

And not he's not going to give up on relationships because he's not 'meant' to be in one. He's just going to give up on this one.

 

So...do I reiterate my feelings for him and tell him that's not what I want, encourage us to work through this and realize that it will take time for us both to learn how to be in a new relationship with a different person Input please.

 

This is a common mistake women make in trying to fix a broken relationship: they try to convince a guy that it's the right relationship. THey try to use logic.

 

But guys don't choose relationships based on logic; they choose them based on feeling. The more you try to persuade him the less interested he'll be: he can think for himself thank you, he doesn't need you telling him what's good and what's not good. Your attempts to convince him will irritate him.

 

If you want to try to save the relationship you need to make him feel good in the relationship. Convincing him will make him feel bad and he'll pull away. Making him feel good will draw him closer, if there's anything left of the relationship.

 

Men hate relationship talks. Especially ones where they are gently or not so gently lectured on the importance of trying or communicating or whatever with the assumption the woman knows all about relationship and he knows nothing. He knows he knows all he needs to know about your relationship. You can't tell him anything he doesn't know about your relationship with him.

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Posted

Thank you both for your response. The second reply, I especially appreciate you took time to pull quotes & respond. Valid points. I'm at such a loss, last night didn't go well either. I want to be important to him, I want to matter to him like he does to me but the fact remains you can't make someone love you. I need to just suck it up and swallow the truth of the matter. He said he wanted to talk & try to make things right as of this morning so I will do it and see what happens. I just know that it's always gonna have to be on his terms and I don't know how well I can handle that so something else I need to think about. We'll see what happens.

Posted

It will always be on his terms, if he's unwilling to compromise and work things out. It doesn't get better either, it gets worse. Anytime you have a major issue, which happens in life in any long term relationship, he's going to leave you to do the dirty work and deal with it. And his issues aren't minor. I had a gf whose husband did the same thing. He ultimately left her after having an affair with her best friend, because he didn't want to work on minor relationship issues. Now the best friend gets to walk on egg shells and live life on the guy's terms because she knows he'll just move onto the next woman if she doesn't.

 

Life is too short to subject yourself to people who have no desire to grow and hold their own in a relationship. It'll suck the soul out of you.

Posted

Yeah Daphne brings up a good point as well.

 

The will of a man if he's in love with you versus just cares about you is completely different.

 

I am a different guy in both worlds, I will put much more effort and have a much stronger desire to satisfy and care about her needs, be understanding, and compromise, even wanting to put them before mine if I am in love with her.

 

However If I'm not, it will be very difficult to satisfy her needs on some things because it just becomes too demanding, and then I'll become frustrated and overwhelmed. Even If I may want to care more for her and value her more I know that ultimately I wouldn't be able to satisfy those needs because something is missing that is crucial.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

We talked last night. He asked me if I'd like to come over or meet somewhere or did I want him to come to my house. I chose to go there because we could be alone that way. He finally opened up to me quite a bit. Admitted he's scared...he does love me but is quite fearful of getting hurt again. I understand that, I just look at it a little different then he does. I'm willing to take that risk because I don't want to be alone, I want to share my life with someone, preferably him and I'm also 10 years older then him so that makes some differences in things as well. I know we have tons of hurdles to jump to make this successful but he said he really did want too. I told him that would explain why he seems to go cold on me when we hit a certain point emotionally. We get really close & he puts on the brakes, because I think we're getting too far into his comfort zone. I swear he nit picks sometimes to kinda turn things cold so he can push me away & back off. I told him that too. I told him I'm willing to be patient to a point but I don't want to do the rubber-band relationship thing. I realize that I probably complain about things more then compliment him lately. Maybe due to my frustration. The comment about making him feel better rather than worse made a lot of sense because he said he felt now like he wasn't sure that I still thought him as sweet, funny, sexy all the things I used to say but evidently haven't been doing as much or at all anymore. He has some insecurities as do I. Everyone needs an ego feed once in awhile. People get used to each other and I guess maybe I didn't realize that I wasn't helping him feel comfy or wanted like I thought I was. He does try and I really believe he's a good guy. I was married to a bad guy..a coward, punk. My BF is very polite & moral and kind even manages pretty well when he's upset. We've not really lost our heads with each other or anything. But seem to feed off each other if we're upset or angry. He apologized multiple times for making me feel uneasy or uncertain and that he really did not mean to hurt me in any way and didn't want too. He said when I get scared, I tend to want to just shut down & hide because I don't know how to deal with it. He's running from me basically. I told him I hoped we could find a place where we're both comfortable working through things. I mostly listened as he talked and responded on a few things when he was done. We're gonna give this a valiant effort, we both want too. I'm glad he opened & talked to me deeper. Things make more sense to me now. I think the whole idea that everything needs to be his way is another way he's trying to control the relationship to keep it from going "too far". He said your beautiful, smart, sexy & know what you want...it's kind of intimidating. I think the very things that draw him to me, also make him nervous. Good & Bad I suppose.

Edited by PerfectBlue
  • 2 months later...
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Posted

I'm just checking back in on the board and wanted to post an update. Since I posted this thread things have improved considerably and I couldn't be more pleased! Our talk helped us figure out some things and get past all the petty garbage that I think we were allowing to cause us trouble. Here awhile back he finally admitted outloud that he was in love with me. He said "i'm tired of trying to fight something I can't. I love you and I want you to know that". He tells me quite regularly now. It's sweet...I've not been with anyone as sincere as this man. Anyway, not to go on & on. Just wanted to post an update to let anyone who responded to this that things are going wonderful and I'm happy as I've ever been, he seems to be as well. Growing pains suck but are necessary in relationships I guess. :)

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