Newbie - How do I tell her

[willowthewisp]

So, you are of the belief that a person is suppose to subjugate themselves and live in misery because choosing their own happiness will "devastate" someone else? This is wrong. I am not someone else's bandage. I am not a tool for someone else to use so they can get through their life. I deserve happiness just as much as anyone else and if I am not finding it with the person I am with, it is my right to find it elsewhere.

 

I am sorry for your pain, I really am. But no matter what, your life is your own responsibility and the job of rebuilding your life belongs to you and you cannot blame your ex for the fact that you have not found another to love.

 

How dare you! Please do not put words in my mouth just so you can continue your own self justifications. I never said any such thing. I never said it was my ex's fault I have not found someone else, I was merely pointing out that the OP is using that line as a self justification to make himself feel better about walking out on his wife.

 

I also never said anyone should sacrice their happiness or live in misery because choosing their own happiness will devastate someone else. That is your interpretation and your own issues of self justification at work.

 

There are choices. All relationships require work and I do not beleive a person should just walk without trying first to repair a marriage. It's got absolutely nothing to do with being a bandage for someone.

[maybealone]

I am not a fan of blindsiding. By that I mean that if one spouse is miserable, then that person should tell the other spouse and give both of them a chance to decide if the relationship is worth working on, rather than one spouse unilaterally deciding on a divorce.

 

If the marriage can't be saved, then I would rather be alone than be with someone who is "settling" for me or fulfilling some sense of commitment to me when he doesn't love me anymore.

[Ready2Go]

@SBC: I appreciate your words more than you know. You understand what life is really about. You also understand that I truly do care about my wife's feelings, just like I care about the feelings of family and friends. Me falling out of love with my wife does not make me a bad person. It does make me a poor husband though.

 

But I have given to others my entire life. Others always came first. That won't change. But pretending to be in love with your spouse because that is what society expects is just as bad as telling a lie to your spouse everyday.

 

@Willow: I understand your feelings, and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I am also aware that I could suffer the same fate as your ex-H. I can't control that outcome no matter how nice, respectful, and supporting I am.

 

I bought a book today as one final check. It's called "Should I Stay, or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if you Relationship Can -- and Should -- be Saved". I will read it and finalize a decision.

 

Thank you all

 

"

[willowthewisp]

I am not a fan of blindsiding. By that I mean that if one spouse is miserable, then that person should tell the other spouse and give both of them a chance to decide if the relationship is worth working on, rather than one spouse unilaterally deciding on a divorce.

 

If the marriage can't be saved, then I would rather be alone than be with someone who is "settling" for me or fulfilling some sense of commitment to me when he doesn't love me anymore.

 

Exactly! Responsibility and accounatbility rather than just walking and self justifying. What also amazes me is that the walk away spouse never stops to look and ask why they feel the need to self justify.

[willowthewisp]

happiness is within everyone - it is always there... you don't 'find' happiness, and when we think we can dump someone so we can 'find happiness' in someone else then that's just sad... ...

 

Agreed! Walk aways never understand this, they never understand the problem does not lie with their spouse, but within themselves...a life half lived.

 

@SBC: I appreciate your words more than you know. You understand what life is really about. You also understand that I truly do care about my wife's feelings, just like I care about the feelings of family and friends. Me falling out of love with my wife does not make me a bad person. It does make me a poor husband though.

 

But I have given to others my entire life. Others always came first. That won't change. But pretending to be in love with your spouse because that is what society expects is just as bad as telling a lie to your spouse everyday.

 

@Willow: I understand your feelings, and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I am also aware that I could suffer the same fate as your ex-H. I can't control that outcome no matter how nice, respectful, and supporting I am.

 

I bought a book today as one final check. It's called "Should I Stay, or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if you Relationship Can -- and Should -- be Saved". I will read it and finalize a decision.

 

Thank you all

 

 

 

"

 

OP I've seen that book tear apart more marriages here on LS that I care to count. I have also seen (in the years I have been here) so many of those who have left some back and talk about how they made the worst decision of their life.

 

For your sake as much as your wifes, please go to marriage counselling before you make any decision that is irrversaible. What is a few more months? If you give it it a go and still feel it cannot be repaired and happy again then you can still leave. If nothing else, the fact you have tried with your wife in MC will make it easier for her to accept it is over than if you just up and leave. You came here asking how to tell her, how to make it as least painful as possible? There is only one way...first you need to try to repair it with proper professional guidance. This board is littered with people who were not given that opportunity, those who were, very rarely end up here, preciesly because there is no need for them to be here, because they have been treated kindly and with love and respect by their spouse in the way the marriage ended.

Edited December 11, 2011 by willowthewisp

[maybealone]

What is a few more months? If you give it it a go and still feel it cannot be repaired and happy again then you can still leave.

 

That's kind of where I am now. I let things go to the point where I was ready to leave, but then realized how unfair that would be to my husband. Even if things don't work out, I know in the long run I will feel better knowing that I tried.

[Ready2Go]

I have read other books as well. I know that books like this are not true guides, but thought provoking books alone. I have also been to individual counseling for quite some time now. We have not been to marriage counseling. I've learned so much about myself in individual counseling, I have doubts that marriage counseling will be nothing more than a forum to tell her that I am leaving. I don't want it to happen that way. I've tried to get her to go to individual counseling so that she can learn more about herself, she won't. Marriage counseling is still not out of the question. But chances are slim as of now. I've been trying to make my feelings for her come back. They are not coming back. The hugs and kisses are out of obligation and caring, not for love as they should be. I'm on a final search. I refuse to be in limbo much longer. Life is too short. And I'm not young.

[pd8mxq]

Hey Ready2go,

 

Very interesting post here and I read all posts.

 

1) very curious about how you fell out of love. Is it just because you got bored with the marriage with time? or you reckon life changed you and what you have now is not what you want, making you unhappy?

 

Cos my ex left me after going to counselling himself. And he said the same things like you, i.e. still cares about me, have feelings, love me but not 'in love'. So im very curious about what you mean.

 

2) I can see where you are at because I can look at it at my ex's persepctive. e.g. you probably considered this for a while now and at a very unhappy stage, sort of suffocating (described by my ex) at this moment and just want to get out, tell her its over etc. So when people say lets try a feel more months on marriage counselling, for you it will be like another suffocation for a few more months. I am sure you just want to get out of this asap (if you can do knowing your wife will be fine, im sure you will leave right now isnt it?). Because for you, you have made efforts for the past few months to try and communicate the problems to her, but she didnt pick it up, so you reckon its not meant to be, no need for marriage counselling for example.

 

Well my view: sometimes people do take things for granted when in a relationship, mine was not as long as yours but my ex and I were like a married couple but still, one side or both would take things for granted and sub-consciously, cannot open their ears to listen to each other's hints etc. But it does not mean she doesnt care, or you two are not meant to be. It is just because human are like this, take things for granted and not realise something is drifting away.

 

3) As a dumpee who has been hurt by an ex who left (exactly like your situation), I genuinely hope you can tell her your true feelings first without saying you want divorce. I genuinely hope you can tell her, I love you but I am not in love but because you cherish your 30 years together and so you would really like both of you to put in as much effort as possible to save this marriage and maybe you will see her change. Because if you dont commuicate as clearly as possible, she wont see the real problems and she probably not knowing somehting big is lying ahead. Just give one month or so and see, at least she knows she tried too to save the marriage. At this moment, it seems pretty unfair for her because she will take it as a shock. She spent 30 years of her life with you didnt she? Does she not deserve a lil bit of fairness and respect by mutually agreeing the split after you two at least give it a try.

 

4) if you cannot really do the above, as a dumpee, the best way to tell her would be face to face.

 

5) i hope there's really no one else because if there was, you need to tell her. In that case, maybe she can probably take it easier knwoing you cheated. If there's no one, she will really be puzzled as to why you will leave without giving a try. Be honest with her if there's someone, it will make things easier. Youmight be the bad guy to other people but trust me, it will be better for her to handle knwing you are the jerk etc. (not saying you are...)

 

6) Let me ask you a question and it would be great if you can answer, if there;s really no one e;se lining up, what is it that is making you so upset and wants to leave without giving a try. What is the trigger event/ trigger point. There must be soething right? A lot of tings built up and built up for you to feel out of love, but when was the trigger point. what has happened so clearly that for you to tell yourself 'its really time for me to leave'?

 

Thanks

 

3)

[SBC]

happiness is within everyone - it is always there... you don't 'find' happiness, and when we think we can dump someone so we can 'find happiness' in someone else then that's just sad... .

 

If this is true and you really believe it, then tell me this...how is it possible for someone to be "devastated" when they are left by another?

[SBC]

I've been trying to make my feelings for her come back. They are not coming back. The hugs and kisses are out of obligation and caring, not for love as they should be. I'm on a final search. I refuse to be in limbo much longer. Life is too short. And I'm not young.

 

I understand this completely and as sad as this may sound to some, I believe you that they are not coming back. It is time for you to behave like a surgeon. Make a plan, have a steady hand, act swiftly, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. No waffling. You have made the decision, now do what you have to do.

 

I read your thoughts on division of assets --more than fair and respectable.

[andyg99]

If this is true and you really believe it, then tell me this...how is it possible for someone to be "devastated" when they are left by another?

 

because when you love and care for someone being blindsided can be very devastating....

[SBC]

because when you love and care for someone being blindsided can be very devastating....

 

...For clarity, earlier you said,

 

happiness is within everyone - it is always there... you don't 'find' happiness, and when we think we can dump someone so we can 'find happiness' in someone else then that's just sad...

 

and now you say that "because when you love and care for someone being blindsided can be very devastating."

 

Ok, let me see if I follow you.

 

The person leaving is NOT allowed to seek external validation...meaning they are not allowed to find happiness in another. But the person being left is permitted external validation in that it is OK to be devastated (unhappy) when someone else leaves them.

 

Is that what you are saying? That is screwy.

 

Your definition of love is a selfish one. If you really care and love someone --and I mean really, really-- you will want them to go if that is what they truly want. You will desire their happiness above your own and in this, you will find your own happiness.

[Bernyberns]

I find it funny that the one that is being left behind is supposed to just deal with ****..like their happiness dosent matter..

 

Yea marriage is forever..till death..for better or worse...but hey if one day your unhappy...feel out of love...sure...feel free to break every promise and leave lol..completely devastate the one you decided to put a ring on for..marry before God for..it's all good..long as your worring about you and yourself.

[SBC]

And I find it funny that the person who wants to leave is supposed to just suck it up and be unhappy for the rest of their lives because the person being left will be unhappy if they leave...

[maybealone]

I may be naive, but it seems like if someone was so callous as to just wake up one morning and decide the commitment they made to another person simply doesn't mean anything anymore, then they wouldn't be seeking out a board like this. They'd just leave and be done with it.

 

This might also be naive, but when someone falls out of love, I don't think it is always 100% that person's fault. Sometimes spouses stop trying or take each other for granted, and sometimes it is just let go too long to be able to fix it.

 

I don't think people should have to "suck it up" to honor a commitment, and I certainly would not want to be the person my spouse has to "suck it up" for. Divorce is devastating, but being married to someone that doesn't really want to be married to you can also be devastating.

 

To try to stay on topic, I will offer my thoughts to the OP. Personally, I would have a heart-to-heart with your wife, discuss the problems, and let her know that at this point you are ready to leave. Maybe the two of you will come up with ideas on how to give things a try for a few more months, or maybe you will have a knock-down-dragout that results in a split. Whatever happens, at least you were honest and didn't just tell her with your bags already packed.

 

And even though there is no one else now, there may be in the future, and she's going to have questions about how your marriage ended. Think about how you want to be able to answer those questions.

Edited December 12, 2011 by maybealone

[Ready2Go]

@pd8mxq: Thinking back, I fell out of love with her when I started getting more free time to pursue hobbies that I enjoy (she does not). I was enjoying the outdoors more with friends while on trips, and rarely even thought of her. I'd take business trips and not think of her. And what I say that I didn't think of her, it was not because things were bad. I just plain didn't think of her. She would do her thing, and I would do mine. There was no hate. We were our enjoying our freedom since the kids were adults now. The trigger came early this yer when I started thinking about my life now and my marriage. We had grown apart and didn't see it. Yet, I was much further out than her. I was living a life that I had put on hold many years ago to have a family. Sound selfish? Yep. When I returned, I asked my wife if she loved me. She said "yes" and we went right back to living our own lives again. No change. Then, one day it just hit me. I realized that I no longer had a passion for her. Sex was only sex, no passion. Hugs and kisses felt like shaking hands. I became more distant. I started getting depressed.

 

I thought I was going through a mid-life crisis, so I went to counseling. That's where I finally saw me living a life out of obligation alone. Not fair to me or her. Not good for a marriage, and learning that it would eventually make it a very bad marriage over time. Keep in mind that I informed my wife of my feelings along the way from day one of my return from the trip early in the year.

 

Since then, she knows that I have lost my passion for her, and that I have been trying to get it back while learning more about me. I know now that I can no longer be who I was. Those days are gone. I will not blame her for this.

 

She is worrying each day knowing that I am struggling. She's begging and pleading as well. I'm am being compassionate to her feelings, but I am not going to lie to her. I've tried the "fake it until you make it" and it's nothing more than acting out a lie. I refuse to do that again.

 

She will not be blindsided, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Both of us will hurt and grieve a marriage. It will not feel like I have cut chains to be set free from a slave owner. It will the the end of something that I will remember forever, and the start of something new.

 

If I should meet someone else later, I'll take it slow and encourage her to do the same. I will reveal all up front so that she knows what happened.

 

If not, that's okay.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Exactly! Responsibility and accounatbility rather than just walking and self justifying. What also amazes me is that the walk away spouse never stops to look and ask why they feel the need to self justify.

 

I think the reason why you are miserable is because you feel entitled. You thought your spouse owed it to you to stay married to you. Why did he have to? If you did not manage to offer him what he needed, then he is entitled to leave you. Just like you were entitled to leave him.

 

A marriage is a contract not a life sentence. It's not because the marriage seemed a good idea 20 or 30 years ago, that it still is a good idea now. Besides, when you are in your 20-ies, you sometimes don't really know who you are and consequently you don't really know who is a good match for you. It's not because it once was a marriage, that it has to remain that way.

 

Some people think that a marriage is keeping someone hostage.

[Ready2Go]

By the way, thank you for the comment on the idea for the division of assets.

[Bernyberns]

And I find it funny that the person who wants to leave is supposed to just suck it up and be unhappy for the rest of their lives because the person being left will be unhappy if they leave...

 

Lol it's this kind of wishy washy attitude that marriage is a joke..I advise people to simple not get married..because there is no room for selfishness

[RecordProducer]

It doesn't really matter if there is someone else involved here or not.

It actually does matter. I have a feeling that you, Ready2Go, saw a woman and felt like you could take one of those instead of your wife. Maybe she paid some attention to you and you thought you could have her. I am not telling you to stay married if you don't want to, but if this is your testosterone telling you to break a family built for 30 years, you may find yourself alone and lonely, dating a series of women in the next ten years or so, but eventually growing old all alone.

 

Many people have divorced their spouses in pursuit of freedom - just to find that freedom to be more constraining than a marriage. You haven't come back to an empty house in 30 years! If you don't find the right woman for yourself, you may regret someday that you left a decent marriage... to search for passion.

 

With that being said, it's up to you. The best way to tell your wife is to hold hands and sit close, as you suggested. Do it at home, be very gentle and be prepared for some yelling, name calling, etc., depending on your wife's character. Stay friends with her in any case, not just for the sake of the children, but also because the spark may be revived someday. I sure hope it will. Perhaps all you need is some time away from each other.

I think the reason why you are miserable is because you feel entitled. You thought your spouse owed it to you to stay married to you. Why did he have to? If you did not manage to offer him what he needed, then he is entitled to leave you. Just like you were entitled to leave him.

Wow, that was harsh. Pink, are you talking based on her particular situation or are you just saying this in general? Because a spouse doesn't owe anyone to stay married, but to work on problems during the marriage - both spouses owe that toeach other, especially when there are kids involved. My ex-husband didn't think he needed to compromise, adapt, or even listen. He just checked out of our marriage after a year. And I was his third wife! The funny thing is our marriage was miserable because he was impotent, distant, cold, boring and his family constantly tried to break us apart. (He is dating now a slutty, dumb, twice convicted thief who's conspisuously after his money). But, the divorce was a blessing for me because I am free now to find the love of my life.

 

Back to Ready2Go... divorcing your wife may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her.

[SBC]

Ready2Go, you sound to me like one of the good ones --you can see!

 

Good luck and Godspeed on your continuing journey.

[Yasuandio]

Ain't it nice you got the division of assets all tidied up, and your wife doesn't know shyt from shinola WTF you are up to?

Edited December 12, 2011 by Yasuandio

[SBC]

Ain't it nice you got the division of assets all tidied up, and your wife doesn't know shyt from shinola WTF you are up to?

 

IMO, which you nor the other readers will not like, you are trying to convince yourself that what you intend to do to your wife is acceptable, understandable, and ok. Any keen observer has arrived by now at the obvious conclusion that there seems to be is a HUGE piece missing from your story. Some puzzeled posters are cornering you with multiple questions regarding such.

 

I smell a rat.

 

A proper man, that is re-discovering himself, and determining he must move on, go his journey alone, re-dedicating himself to the search for his true calling, (whatever is happening with you supposedly); after a long marriage such as this; would not be concerned with crunching settlement numbers - before he fills his wife in about the f'ing situation. ONLY A GUY WITH A TOTAL PRE-ARRANGED SET UP DOES STUFF THAT. Duh.

 

You are totally grtting ready to screw over your life partner. Plain and simple.

 

What planet do you live on? The one I live on requires that I look at the financial implications of every decision I make, less I screw everyone by making a really bad move.

 

In any event, apparently you did not research what Ready2Go said about the division of assets before commenting --otherwise you would not have made this post.

[Yasuandio]

I tried to erase my post, but you beat me to it.

[SBC]

Darn, and now I cant change mine either.