dave22 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) It is a question I have been wondering about lately. I think a lot of people are looking for someone who is a perfect match for them, or at least want a relationship that is really great. But what if you haven't found someone like that and what if you are getting to an age when you know that if you want to get married and have a family you want to do it soon? Do you "settle" on someone who you know is a good person and you can be good friends with, who you do have pretty good chemistry with (but nothing extraordinary), and who you know will treat you well? Would you consider settling down with them and do you think it would last? I am also wondering what other people would have as criteria when they are looking for someone in a case like this. Anyways, I don't have anyone in particular in mind. I am more just wondering. Sorry about the typo on the subject line (should be "willing") apparently you can't edit that Edited December 7, 2011 by dave22 typo
ScienceGal Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 My idea of a good relationship has changed as I've gotten older. I don't think that means I'll settle, it means I've learned a few things, such as... you can't change someone, the importance of moving on, and relationships aren't all rainbows and butterflies, they take compromise and effort. I've learned to be less controlling and not take things so personally. Always learning and trying to improve. Everything you described in the second paragraph sounds completely normal to me. Even the hottest romance will cool off and go through its highs and lows. Long term relationships are about being with someone who can handle the long haul with you. Sharing a love for one another is crucial. I would expect to have great chemistry in the beginning but personality/emotional/moral attributes are more important in the long run for me. I want to be the old woman walking in the park holding hands with my husband. Sigh. Ask me again in 5 years when I'm 35 and still single. You might get a different answer.
pinkie Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 This is a great question.... Something some of the women in my circle have discussed. Not sure the men see it the same. The way it's been explained to me is that the older a woman gets the more likely she is to "settle". I've heard that it's because her 'value' goes down as she ages, ie. looks, fertility, etc. therefore, she has fewer options to choose from. In my opinion... I think as women progress through life, we just become very bored of the cat and mouse game of love, the chase, the baggage, the dysfunction, the waiting for someone to 'grow up', the not knowing who we even are yet or even what we really want; just simply put, of the bs that most relationships bring. We just become much more secure with ourselves and what really matters. We learn to appreciate love period. But of course, no one wants to die alone.
Mr. Savage Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 It is a question I have been wondering about lately. I think a lot of people are looking for someone who is a perfect match for them, or at least want a relationship that is really great. But what if you haven't found someone like that and what if you are getting to an age when you know that if you want to get married and have a family you want to do it soon? Do you "settle" on someone who you know is a good person and you can be good friends with, who you do have pretty good chemistry with (but nothing extraordinary), and who you know will treat you well? Would you consider settling down with them and do you think it would last? I am also wondering what other people would have as criteria when they are looking for someone in a case like this. Anyways, I don't have anyone in particular in mind. I am more just wondering. Sorry about the typo on the subject line (should be "willing") apparently you can't edit that You just described 9 out of every 10 marriages.
Saxis Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Definitely not! But then again, having had a couple long term serious relationships and knowing exactly where they failed (each lacking in one or more criteria of a good relationship), about 99% sure that I don't want more kids, generally knowing what kind of woman I'm attracted to and being only 29, I think I have reason and time to be a little picky.
grkBoy Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I think as we get older, those who hold the bar high either decide to keep it there and simply feel they're "worth more" than the average person, but others simply go through some bad times with people they thought were ideal, and then redefine what they see as a relationship. Maybe in the past they thought it was some picture-perfect Barbie and Ken relationship of "pretty people", but after going through 5-10 "Barbies" or "Kens" who ended up breaking their hearts, they stopped thinking they can find the ideal RL in one of them. So they think less of who would make for phenomenal wedding photos, and instead think about "who's going to love me the way I want to be loved and will want what I want in life?" This is the struggle many from age 27 and up go through. We occasionally see it with men and women who come here lamenting on why it seems all the "hot single people" are horrible people and yet all the people with ideal personalities are "not hot". I don't know if I call it "settling", but more "coming down to reality". Unfortunately more people are becoming the "I'll happily die alone" logic. Let's also face it...when you're 60 or 70, there isn't a lot of "hot" or "ugly" in that age bracket. So the quest for a "pretty person" dies out.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 When younger, I was actually way too eager to settle due to my lack of success with women. Now, I'd actually be less willing to settle per se -- but I'd also be more aware of what personality and character qualities in a woman could spark a physical attraction where I wouldn't have seen years before.
iris219 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 But what if you haven't found someone like that and what if you are getting to an age when you know that if you want to get married and have a family you want to do it soon? Do you "settle" on someone who you know is a good person and you can be good friends with, who you do have pretty good chemistry with (but nothing extraordinary), and who you know will treat you well? Would you consider settling down with them and do you think it would last? This ^ is considered settling? Well then, I'm dying to meet someone I can settle for!
carhill Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Less willing, in general. I've come to appreciate the value of my own company more, along with having a much smaller, but far more satisfying, core group of friends.
somedude81 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I think I'll end up having no choice but to settle if I don't want to be alone my whole life. So my first girlfriend, then wife, would probably be a 250lb mother of three with a babydady(s) in jail. Ah, the future.
D-Lish Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I think I'll end up having no choice but to settle if I don't want to be alone my whole life. So my first girlfriend, then wife, would probably be a 250lb mother of three with a babydady(s) in jail. Ah, the future. Stop it SD! You won't have to settle. Personally, the older I get, the less inclined I am to settle. I'm quite comfortable being alone. I like having someone in my life- but I'd rather be alone than with someone just for the sake of having company.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I'm trying to stay away from "I'm tired of the bull**** with this love thing so I'm ok with being alone" yet also not interested in the "I'd rather compromise and come to terms with being with someone I could share a life with and be at least somewhat happy" I don't like as you get older women seem to really start clamping down and all of sudden they aren't as worried about the other values in a relationship more than they are concerned with getting older and being washed up. I think it's a funny way of things turning around...at first women typically have the advantage being young and attractive and able to choose from a wide pool of men...to being slowly phased out into a category that they are now bitter with because men from all ages are not interested or find them to be the preferred bracket for long term. I consider men in their late 20's and in their 30s to be in their prime now...we now have the most options and can pick and choose....well even more so than you did even if you were successful in your 20s...some women thought you were too young, and younger women you weren't crazy about at the time but now they are. Ultimately like women though, we will start panicking as we exit our prime a little bit...and then of course out of nature have a stronger desire to settle down. As for myself though, I have always been a romantic and felt like I was holding out for something better...at this time I still believe in it and am not willing to settle even if it's not a bad option "realistically"
ScreamingTrees Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I'm not going to settle, and most importantly, I'm not going to be settled for. I'm making peace with being a member of the "forever alone" club. Gotta say, it's a wonderfully empty feeling. Emptiness.. in a league of it's own in comparison to feeling miserable and depressed.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 As I have reached the old age of 30... I realized that women my age definitely look for different things in life. Can I provide those things? I am sure most of us can. Do I want them to expect those things? No. Gone are the innocent times of finding love for love. Correct me if I am wrong.
Goldline Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I did that once, married my friend, it was a catastrophe for the both of us. We married with the best intentions in mind, and loved each other, but not the right kind of love. I would (obviously) not do it again. What I know now though is that with all my daddy issues and the complicated relations that I had with men (like picking up men who treated me like crap), I have finally grown up. I would absolutely marry someone like you just described, however, I would have to be in love to marry him, not just love dearly. So no, I wouldn't sell myself short for safety. I am independent, and if it does suck to be alone, I know the right one will eventually comes around. And if not, I don't see life as something that we have to endure.
eerie_reverie Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 But what if you haven't found someone like that and what if you are getting to an age when you know that if you want to get married and have a family you want to do it soon? Do you "settle" on someone who you know is a good person and you can be good friends with, who you do have pretty good chemistry with (but nothing extraordinary), and who you know will treat you well? Would you consider settling down with them and do you think it would last? That doesn't sound like settling... it sounds like a great relationship.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Personally, the older I get, the less inclined I am to settle. I'm quite comfortable being alone. I like having someone in my life- but I'd rather be alone than with someone just for the sake of having company. I'm similar--the older I get, the less inclined I am to settle, except that I'd prefer not to be alone. I could be comfortable with it, but why do it? I'd be comfortable never eating ice cream again, but UGH, that sucks, ice cream ROCKS! No reason to go without. Plus I like sex 2 to 10 times a week, so no outlet for that drives me nutty. It's all a matter of what you feel you've got to offer I suppose. If your confidence is low, you'll settle, if it isn't, you won't. If you feel like your biological clock is ticking and you're motivated to have a family before it runs out, sure, you'll settle--but really there's no reason to unless your confidence is very low or you're very introverted and won't even use say online dating or don't know how to get the best out of it. Between social situations and online I never go more than 2-4 months without finding a steady relationship, so even if I felt my clock ticking, there'd be no real REASON to settle.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I'm similar--the older I get, the less inclined I am to settle It occurs to me that everyone's definition of what it means to "settle" is different. Are you settling if you're not with someone who meets 100% of your preferences in a mate? Are you settling if it's not at least 90%? Or are you only settling if you're with someone who meets less than half of what you want in a mate? I suppose my own idea of settling is that they need to meet most of my major criteria. I see some people who hold out for everything they've ever wanted in a person, Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful--and I see those people waiting a long, long time for that type of perfect connection. If settling for anything less than perfection is "settling," then I suppose I almost always settle. I don't ever expect a woman to fill every single dream of mine--just most of them--so to some people, perhaps that's settling.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I can offer the perspective from an actual old person. The person who said that it depends upon your definition of "settle" is right. When I was young, I certainly didn't think I "settled" at all. Looking back on my early relationships, including my first marriage, I was settling all over the place. I accepted really unacceptable stuff in "exchange" for the weak knees and all that with a man who was wildly attractive to me as well as having a kind of role in society, like "artist," that seemed to be a requirement for me. I compromised myself a lot, but I didn't know it. As I got older, I grew to understand what it takes to make a person actually one who is good for me to LIVE with. My feelings of love are different now. My husband embodies few of the qualities that made me swoon when I was young, which are still a part of me now. He has a few. But looking back I would NEVER see this relationship as "settling" and the earlier ones as somehow better. I can tell you one thing for sure. The emotion of "LOVE" and lots of physical attraction are crucial to a good marriage for most people, but they are not going to carry two people together, successfully through decades of life and all it brings on their own. A LOT of other factors need to be in place. Successful relationships require compromise. Probably the particulars of what we're willing to compromise on do change as we get older and, I hope, wiser.
somedude81 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Stop it SD! You won't have to settle. Personally, the older I get, the less inclined I am to settle. I'm quite comfortable being alone. I like having someone in my life- but I'd rather be alone than with someone just for the sake of having company. I just don't know if I can be comfortable with being alone from now on. I already feel like a complete failure for hitting 30 without hitting any of the relationship milestones. It occurs to me that everyone's definition of what it means to "settle" is different. Are you settling if you're not with someone who meets 100% of your preferences in a mate? Are you settling if it's not at least 90%? Or are you only settling if you're with someone who meets less than half of what you want in a mate? Settling for me means, getting with a woman who I am not attracted to at all. Also she might have a couple of things that I consider dealbreakers, like having children or smoking. But I have no other options so I might as well. I can offer the perspective from an actual old person. The person who said that it depends upon your definition of "settle" is right. When I was young, I certainly didn't think I "settled" at all. Looking back on my early relationships, including my first marriage, I was settling all over the place. I accepted really unacceptable stuff in "exchange" for the weak knees and all that with a man who was wildly attractive to me as well as having a kind of role in society, like "artist," that seemed to be a requirement for me. I compromised myself a lot, but I didn't know it. No, I don't think you settled at all. Settling isn't, "He lives in his parents house, smokes pot all day, but he's in a band and is sooooo hot."
jobaba Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 No, I don't think you settled at all. Settling isn't, "He lives in his parents house, smokes pot all day, but he's in a band and is sooooo hot." HAHAHAHA! Oh man, SD...
Ruby Slippers Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 My idea of a good relationship has changed as I've gotten older. I don't think that means I'll settle, it means I've learned a few things, such as... you can't change someone, the importance of moving on, and relationships aren't all rainbows and butterflies, they take compromise and effort. I've learned to be less controlling and not take things so personally. Always learning and trying to improve. Well said. I agree completely. Less willing, in general. I've come to appreciate the value of my own company more, along with having a much smaller, but far more satisfying, core group of friends. Same for me, too. I like having someone in my life- but I'd rather be alone than with someone just for the sake of having company. Me, too. It's when I was younger that I was more inclined to settle. I didn't think I was settling -- I just thought the issues that were obvious from the start (meddling family, "commitment phobia", ******* behavior, crazy mom) would get better, because we were in love and love conquers all. Very naive way of thinking about relationships! Now if I see issues that will probably plague us long-term, I don't even get involved. I'd rather spend my time in more productive, pleasant ways. Or, more recently, I have tried FWB so we can get some of the pleasures of romance and affection, without the dead weight of a relationship that's not really going anywhere.
carhill Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Retrospectively, settling, for myself, was giving someone/anyone too many 'benefits of doubt' about issues which, absent that, would have resulted in incompatibilities, likely irreconcilable. This dynamic was the result of two impetuses: Learned behavior from socialization and limited options in my particular demographic. Nowadays I've unwound those unhealthy behaviors and accept those limited options as what they are, just one tiny part of a much bigger life. Everything which seemed so important has now evolved to inconsequential. That's my version of not 'settling' as one gets older.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Retrospectively, settling, for myself, was giving someone/anyone too many 'benefits of doubt' about issues which, absent that, would have resulted in incompatibilities, likely irreconcilable. This dynamic was the result of two impetuses: Learned behavior from socialization and limited options in my particular demographic. Nowadays I've unwound those unhealthy behaviors and accept those limited options as what they are, just one tiny part of a much bigger life. Everything which seemed so important has now evolved to inconsequential. That's my version of not 'settling' as one gets older. Yes. For me, when it really came down to it, it was because I didn't think I could do any better. And I was really susceptible to flattery and validation, which those men were great at giving in abundance. Now I understand that being alone and relatively happy and at peace is better than being with someone I'm not really compatible with who drags me down.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 No, I don't think you settled at all. Settling isn't, "He lives in his parents house, smokes pot all day, but he's in a band and is sooooo hot." Well, in defense of my youthful self, that was not the case at all. Well, the smoking pot all day (other drugs too, all day), but I was attracted to successful and known artists (not specifically guys in bands). So, I "settled" for a bunch of messed up stuff. I was thinking about "settling" while I was outside cleaning out my rabbit, Leon's, hutch a few minutes ago. It's problematic that in very recent history, we have come to believe that all eligible humans on planet Earth are potentially mates for us, so picking any one of them at all probably has elements of "settling." Not long ago, our pool of potential mates was confined to people who showed up in our lives. So, if we felt we loved, or liked them a lot, and they felt the same way about us, and they seemed to have the qualities that we believed would make a good partner for us, and we were of the mind set to marry - then, voila. I guess those days are gone, now.
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