Author lilyblue Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 And they just became fb friends. Seriously who gets back together so quickly after finalizing a divorce??
Author lilyblue Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Or during separation Lily I'm not quite sure what you mean?
Author lilyblue Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 And now I have been unfriended in the same day. I was wondering since he had so many pics of me on his profile. I feel like an awful person.
M2155 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 And now I have been unfriended in the same day. I was wondering since he had so many pics of me on his profile. I feel like an awful person. His decisions are about him, not you. He could have defended you out of respect for you-- not wanting to watch him move on, or out of respect for his ex-wife to show he is faithful, but I would bet my left arm it has nothing to do with you as a person. He has decided to focus on his relationship and defending you is probably a good thing in the long run. It hurts to watch the evidence of them moving on since you wouldnt be able not to look. People get back together after all sorts of things, this board is full of people who want just that. Its unfortunate that we are on the short end of this scenario, and there is no way to make it disappear, but don't get stuck in the past too long crying over someone who isn't crying over you. Facebook is not real friendship and not an indication of future relations.
Author lilyblue Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 His decisions are about him, not you. He could have defended you out of respect for you-- not wanting to watch him move on, or out of respect for his ex-wife to show he is faithful, but I would bet my left arm it has nothing to do with you as a person. He has decided to focus on his relationship and defending you is probably a good thing in the long run. It hurts to watch the evidence of them moving on since you wouldnt be able not to look. People get back together after all sorts of things, this board is full of people who want just that. Its unfortunate that we are on the short end of this scenario, and there is no way to make it disappear, but don't get stuck in the past too long crying over someone who isn't crying over you. Facebook is not real friendship and not an indication of future relations. While this may not be "against" me, I highly doubt at this point that anything he does is out of respect for me, which is really difficult. I can't even count the number of times he stated how much he respected me. This whole situation has been anything but a sign of respect. I know, know, know that this is just my mind and I can't know the real story behind everything, but I figure as long as it's going through my head, this seems like a supportive place to get it out and write it down. I would think with amount of time between them becoming friends and and me being unfriended she must have checked out his profile and seen me all over it (he never posts so stuff from summer is still very recent). If it was him thinking of doing this on his own it seems like he would have unfriended me before he friended her. ANYWAY, I know I seem like I'm 12 writing so much about fb, but it's so part of our lives now, even if it doesn't reflect real life. But you are right, it does not predict future interaction. Sometimes I have a couple of moments of clarity and I realize that this fb thing makes it even more likely that this is all about her and not about me and they're trying whatever they can to make it work this time. I can't say I wish them luck, but I wish them... reality. Whatever that looks like for them I guess. I have a really hard time with assuming people hate me when things go wrong like this. Looking back, I see no reason he would, at all, but I can't help but assume that there is something wrong with me that he just decided he hated. In reality it's probably closer to her being threatened by me I guess. And I know I won't get this since he will never talk to me, but I just want to hear him say that. I feel so lame still not being able to enjoy anything and crying all the time, but not sure what to do. I can't even make myself engage with my family when I'm in their presence. It just seems like every day I think part of it hurts worse than it did yesterday - the disrespect, the disappearance, the keeping secrets that must have been happening for at least a week, the words about how much he liked me and respected me that I don't know if were true or not, the broken trust of someone I've known so long, and it goes on and on. How do these posts get so long everytime...
M2155 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) I have a really hard time with assuming people hate me when things go wrong like this. Looking back, I see no reason he would, at all, but I can't help but assume that there is something wrong with me that he just decided he hated. In reality it's probably closer to her being threatened by me I guess. And I know I won't get this since he will never talk to me, but I just want to hear him say that. I hope you can find a way to work on this. You want to get an emotionally healthy self-esteem to move on. I can promise you he doesn't hate you though. If he hated you, he would have broken up cold to your face, he wouldn't have said sorry when you saw him, he wouldn't have defriended you because he wouldn't care if you saw him remove your pics or saw new pics of her. He would make more effort to see you hurt, not run from it. Yes, he most likely defriended you to make her feel better and I'm sure he didn't want you to see him removing your pics. That doesn't sound like it's about you. His memories, when the time is right, will prompt him to get back in contact in the future, not seeing you on FB or not. I felt equally silly sweating FB. I even polled all my friends on what to do about it:o. But FB can totally be taken out of context or percieved wrong...people who care will not rely on FB. When my ex was getting distant I would get excited just to see a like or aknowledging something. I would get pissed to see him making comments but not making an effort to even text me about his "new life". Really, FB kicks rocks sometimes. Edited December 12, 2011 by M2155
Author lilyblue Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I hope you can find a way to work on this. You want to get an emotionally healthy self-esteem to move on. I can promise you he doesn't hate you though. If he hated you, he would have broken up cold to your face, he wouldn't have said sorry when you saw him, he wouldn't have defriended you because he wouldn't care if you saw him remove your pics or saw new pics of her. He would make more effort to see you hurt, not run from it. Yes, he most likely defriended you to make her feel better and I'm sure he didn't want you to see him removing your pics. That doesn't sound like it's about you. His memories, when the time is right, will prompt him to get back in contact in the future, not seeing you on FB or not. I felt equally silly sweating FB. I even polled all my friends on what to do about it:o. But FB can totally be taken out of context or percieved wrong...people who care will not rely on FB. When my ex was getting distant I would get excited just to see a like or aknowledging something. I would get pissed to see him making comments but not making an effort to even text me about his "new life". Really, FB kicks rocks sometimes. I wish I could figure out a way to not have my brain go to "they hate me" either. It's just the first way to explain things that I always seem to go with. How silly is it that even having you say you're sure he doesn't hate me makes me feel better for a second though? That's not logical, but it works. I wish I could come up with that validation on my own, but left in a vaccuum I just assume that him completely cutting off contact could come from no other reason. My brain says "if he still liked you as a person, he'd be talking to you". He would probably be trying to hurt me more I suppose though... in more malicious ways. It's so true about fb... it's not life and it's not an indication of much. It stings a bit... ok more than a bit... and although I know NO ONE in a million years will notice it feels kind of embarassing because of all our mutual friends (yeah... I should let that feeling go, that one is ridiculous). I feel kicked out of his life, but I guess that was done weeks ago. I'm still "friends" with his family and sometimes I just want to burst out telling them what an a** he is (I met him through them, I've known them for longer), but I won't. Sometimes I think it would make me feel a little better because part of me thinks they would acknowledge it, but I also know it's not a good idea with the drama it would create.
M2155 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) I've just told the mutual people we know that "we're not together anymore" or "it didn't work out" and if they say why I say "I think he still had feelings for his ex." Enough said. Most people will get that. How it happened will be a moot point eventually and chances are, they would likely ask him if they cared to know more- surprisingly most won't. Now if it's my friends, they've all gotten the super-extended version and all the over-analysis. Poor friends of mine . Edited December 12, 2011 by M2155
Author lilyblue Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I've just told the mutual people we know that "we're not together anymore" or "it didn't work out" and if they say why I say "I think he still had feelings for his ex." Enough said. Most people will get that. How it happened will be a moot point eventually and chances are, they would likely ask him if they cared to know more- surprisingly most won't. Now if it's my friends, they've all gotten the super-extended version and all the over-analysis. Poor friends of mine . Yeah we have a very gossipy group of friends. I don't really feel comfortable spreading his business around, especially since only a couple of people knew we were dating (I had JUST broken up with another person in the group and didn't want to hurt him - they are friends, and so are we), and it's embarassing for me to admit that he dumped me. So they are asking me simply from knowing we hung out together all the time. So far when asked about him I have had the gut responses of "he's an a**" and "no comment". Not sure either of those are great, but one of our friends asked just the other day (he just got back from a long trip - has missed all the drama) and I honestly felt like I was going to puke. It was really weird the way the question physically hit me. I got out "no comment" and then a very awkward pause. These people are how we met so it's not like they're any more "his" or "mine", they are truly mutual. I know what you mean about poor friends. I feel like I've driven all mine away. But the weird thing is that I really don't care that much about it - it seems like him disappearing is worse than any of them really.
M2155 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I guess you could try something like "we fell out of touch." How you say whatever you respond probably speaks louder anyway. You are going to need your friends. You know how they say your friends seem to disappear when they fall for someone and you don't see them much anymore? It's true and this is the time to get back in touch. If they are good friends they'll understand that you needed an emotional dump. Definitely try to reconnect with a good girlfriend. And its surprising, awful but surprising if your circle is old enough, but I have friends who have experienced eerily similar relationship scenarios and drama. Edited December 13, 2011 by M2155
Author lilyblue Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I guess you could try something like "we fell out of touch." How you say whatever you respond probably speaks louder anyway. You are going to need your friends. You know how they say your friends seem to disappear when they fall for someone and you don't see them much anymore? It's true and this is the time to get back in touch. If they are good friends they'll understand that you needed an emotional dump. Definitely try to reconnect with a good girlfriend. And its surprising, awful but surprising if your circle is old enough, but I have friends who have experienced eerily similar relationship scenarios and drama. It wasn't during the relationship that my friends left, it's definitely a result of me being sad about this. I think they got tired of hearing about it. It's disappointing since I think I should be able to have people around me that wouldn't mind hearing me get stuff out, but I feel like after a week or two everyone just thought I should be over it and stopped talking to me.
M2155 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I know what you meant, was trying to relate it back but didn't work:) But I mean if you reach back out they should understand that you needed to emotional dump after that experience. It's understandable that they tired of it! My friends would listen to this but so long and that's why I started talking to strangers, coworkers, loveshack...and spared my freinds the beating of the dead horse. Changed the subject with the friends. And then I got freakin tired of talking about it! Edited December 13, 2011 by M2155
Author lilyblue Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I know what you meant, was trying to relate it back but didn't work:) But I mean if you reach back out they should understand that you needed to emotional dump after that experience. It's understandable that they tired of it! My friends would listen to this but so long and that's why I started talking to strangers, coworkers, loveshack...and spared my freinds the beating of the dead horse. Changed the subject with the friends. And then I got freakin tired of talking about it! Haha, I like the last part Good for you. I think I'm partially tired of it too. Tired of it being in my brain, but that's all that seems to be there. I understand more what you are saying now, I think I'm a little hurt that they all disappeared though and I don't really feel like reaching out. Maybe I will eventually, but it's just kind of strange that once he disappeared everyone else seemed to too. While it's totally understandable that they were tired of listening to me vent about him disappearing - what did they do? Disappeared. Not sure what could be less validating in that situation.
Recommended Posts