lilyblue Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 ]I know I've been starting lots of threads lately, but I thought for once this one might be helpful to more people than just me. There are a (very) few circumstances where I am distracted enough to not think about the ex and the situation for a bit. So far, the common theme is that they are physical, so they last an hour or several hours depending on what I'm doing (going to the gym, going for a hike, etc), and I feel moderately good during them. But it never fails that the second I stop being distracted and reality sets in and I remember what is really going on in my life I feel even worse. I almost think it would be better if I was just in a constant state of sad instead of not feeling it for a couple of hours only to have reality come back even harder and make things feel even worse when I "realize" what the present looks like. It feels awful, like a sledgehammer hitting. Does anyone else feel like this? Anyone learn how to ward off the severe dip in mood? Thanks.
sadbh Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I think thats one of the hardest things to deal with. For me I'll be busy in work or doing something that requires my full attention and then BAM it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me and all the pain and sadness comes crashing down out of nowhere. Or sometimes its when I wake up and feel fine but then I really wake up and realise the state my life is in. Im not really sure how to deal with it but I find it helps to pause, take a deep breath, try to think of one positive reason that the relationship is over, and go back to being busy. Of course its not ok to brush away all the sadness so when you get a few minutes alone reflect on the thoughts that upset you that day and maybe have a cry, text a friend or do something small that makes you smile.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 ]I know I've been starting lots of threads lately, but I thought for once this one might be helpful to more people than just me. There are a (very) few circumstances where I am distracted enough to not think about the ex and the situation for a bit. So far, the common theme is that they are physical, so they last an hour or several hours depending on what I'm doing (going to the gym, going for a hike, etc), and I feel moderately good during them. But it never fails that the second I stop being distracted and reality sets in and I remember what is really going on in my life I feel even worse. I almost think it would be better if I was just in a constant state of sad instead of not feeling it for a couple of hours only to have reality come back even harder and make things feel even worse when I "realize" what the present looks like. It feels awful, like a sledgehammer hitting. Does anyone else feel like this? Anyone learn how to ward off the severe dip in mood? Thanks. Somewhere behind your words is the logic which works when you make a human connection with another (perhaps 'eventual') dating prospect, and how THAT, too, distracts you while easing the hurt from a break-up.
bluetower Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I know what you mean. My ex was constantly on my mind. It's like thinking about him and the possibility of getting back was the 'theme' of my life, and everything else, including work, was revolving around that and a mere distraction from it. Things started to feel a little differently lately. I started to feel I want to acknowledge that relationship, accept my failure and loss, learn from it, take that experience with me and grow into a wiser and stronger person. I feel the 'theme of growth' is gradually replacing the theme of 'will I have him back in my life?'. I'm still very sad, but somehow I feel I'm myself again, 6 months after the breakup, and 5 months after N/C.
Author lilyblue Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Somewhere behind your words is the logic which works when you make a human connection with another (perhaps 'eventual') dating prospect, and how THAT, too, distracts you while easing the hurt from a break-up. I'm not sure quite sure what you mean? Sorry if I'm being dense. Thanks bluetower and sadbh for sharing your stories. Glad you're feeling better bluetower - and you're right - it totally does seem like the theme right now. Sometimes there's a little diversion, but I seem to return to the theme. Sadbh - I'm glad you said it's ok not to brush the thoughts away, because I can't seem to do that anyway I think I've cried every day for the last 2.5 months.
orbiting Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 ]I almost think it would be better if I was just in a constant state of sad instead of not feeling it for a couple of hours only to have reality come back even harder and make things feel even worse when I "realize" what the present looks like. I'm incredibly sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, but I completely understand. Today marks officially two full months of NC and I realised this morning that the only way I have been able to cope with things thus far is by inadvertently playing some kind of "game" with myself -- something I've decided can only aptly be named "Go through the day pretending you're fine and see how long you can last!" From the moment I wake up, I start planning: what will I wear, what will I have for breakfast, what are the things I need to accomplish, to study, to review - every time my mind wanders feels like a painful blow, a reminder to get back on track with the day. And so I do. Every day for the past two months, I have had thoroughly productive days within which I have studied, cleaned my room, gone for a run and done a million other things to distract myself. Other people in my life have remarked that they cannot remember the last time they saw I was as motivated, as healthy, and as friendly. What I respond to them with: "Thank you very much, that's a kind observation." What the completely honest response would be: I lie in bed awake for two hours before I can fall asleep, every single night. I go through each day like some kind of ..masochistic robot, because I'm never truly distracted. Even though his name and face are essentially always my head, it's tolerable to think of him while I'm busy. But it keeps me up at night. How in the world do you distract yourself then?
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 You probably don't feel "worse" it's just realizing you are back in the mood you were before. So look, there is no easy way to grieve and impossible to completely distract yourself. It's not really about distracting yourself so you don't think about him/her, but more about "distracting" yourself with other things you care about, things you feel good about, things where you make other people feel better about themselves. Picking out clothes, going to work and cleaning the house isn't gonna make you feel any better about yourself. You need to reflect and get your feelings out. Two months insn't a lot of time, if you think about the time it took you to grow these feelings, don't beat yourself up for not being able to turn them off. If there was a way to do that, someone would be very rich. I was just out of zombie state at 2 months. I was lucky, I have a couple good friends (and a few strangers along the way believe it or not) that I cried my heart out to. Being dumped is a story everyone can relate to. I cannot tell you how much that helps because those people allow you to get it all out and then give you the tough love that you need to hear. Another thing to is a lot of us deep down do not want to let go. I think that holds us back from mentally. You feel like the ex was so great because afterall, you know what you had with him vs. being alone. You take a blow to your self-esteem and wonder what went wrong, why is she better etc... So I think the glass half-empty view is easy as it matches what we really want to feel. I had days I wanted to just sulk in misery and not face "what's next." But you do need to read and work on self-growth to work on changing your mentality. What helped me was when I started realizing my worth and what I deserved. I saw a friend of mine marry the man of her dreams and it reminded me I deserve that one day. I met some new people which I hadn't done in a long time and it was nice to realize there are other people in the world. Just things to help realize life does go on. A better distraction by the way I think is reading. It's a great time to learn a lot about relationships, heartbreak or whatever you are into. OR just a good fiction book. I picked one up at the airport one day and couldn't put it down. Yes it's lame but I couldn't wait to get back to my book all week. There are enough things out there that's going to make you feel sad or lonely, you don't need any help with that. So try to find distractions that improve you. Don't expect anything to make you just stop thinking about the ex. Trying to force it will just make you feel worse when you realize he's still on your mind.
smokey bear Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I have just got past this stage, It lasted about 2-3 months for me. I prefered for it to be on my mind all the time, I didnt like the intense Whamm!!!!! Its back, i didnt like it so i kept it on my mind. It changes on its own, through time your focus changes. Your outlook changes too, you get sick of feeling down and start taking steps to feel better, It all just happens on its own. Its actually a good sign, your looking at from the wrong angle when really its a refelction of your healing, you can now focus on other things where before you would have thought that impossible, its a bench mark in your healing.
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Lol Smokey bear gets at what I was trying to say with about 456 fewer words
mike588 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Lol Smokey bear gets at what I was trying to say with about 456 fewer words Yeah but we still love and appreciate your great advice even if it may be longer!
Author lilyblue Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Thank you both for the extended version and the Cliff's Notes And you know I always appreciate your advice M2155. It's interesting how much I've been relying on this site. I don't really hear from any of my friends anymore. Oh well I guess. This has kind of given me a new perspective on anti-depressants. I've never had anything against them, but never quite connected how I would find it helpful to not "feel" things. But when those feelings are overwhelming your life I could see how it would be nice to control them. Anyway, sidenote kind of. Interesting distinction about the concept of distraction too. And I totally relate in some ways to not wanting to let go. And not to argue the "deserve" point again (which I may have and I'm sorry) but lots of us don't get what we deserve. There are no guarantees. Thanks as always for everyone's replies.
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) It is therapeutic to share stories and advice. Let's change "deserve" to worthy. You have to believe you are worthy of a guy who treats you well, communicates his feelings and will not bail on you just because a challenge arises. I'm talking about how you feel about yourself. You will get stronger. Please don't consider anti-depressants over a man. You will get over this and realize you learnd a lot in the process;). Edited December 8, 2011 by M2155
betterdeal Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 My feeling is that when recently out of a break up, we are in a state of alert, tension, stress, wistful and waiting for the missing thing to come back. When we do exercise, we become focused on the present and stop concentrating on the missing thing, which elevates our mood as we are no longer stressed. When we then return to non-exercise, we become vigilant again. Additionally, exercise releases neuro-hormones that make us feel happy. After they wear off, we feel sad. Being alert for something is exhausting. Finding ways to relax, even if it's for only a few moments, helps us to feel normal when not exercising. Good music, a nap, a nice bath, a massage, meditation, aromatherapy, dumb films, a gentle walk are things that have helped me relax.
mike588 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 ]I know I've been starting lots of threads lately, but I thought for once this one might be helpful to more people than just me. There are a (very) few circumstances where I am distracted enough to not think about the ex and the situation for a bit. So far, the common theme is that they are physical, so they last an hour or several hours depending on what I'm doing (going to the gym, going for a hike, etc), and I feel moderately good during them. But it never fails that the second I stop being distracted and reality sets in and I remember what is really going on in my life I feel even worse. I almost think it would be better if I was just in a constant state of sad instead of not feeling it for a couple of hours only to have reality come back even harder and make things feel even worse when I "realize" what the present looks like. It feels awful, like a sledgehammer hitting. Does anyone else feel like this? Anyone learn how to ward off the severe dip in mood? Thanks. I know how you feel, I was going thru the same thing and was a total wreck. I'd drive around just to get out of the house but then on the radio there would be some sad song playing,,, change the station and there would be another,, I'd go shopping and see couples holding hands and that would depress me to where I'd just want to go home and watch T.V. then there were commercials or whatever that would bring back memories of us/her. I just wanted to dig a hole and stay there, I didn't want to take it day by day because I was just trying to get by minute by minute!! I'm 4 months now into having my heart shattered and it just doesn't hurt anywhere near that bad anymore!! No more sleepless nights, no more waking in the morning and she's the 1st thing on my mind,, Thank God!! I (and you will too) have some down days and setbacks, it's normal and part of the healing process, you will get thru this,, time is our friend. I'm proud of my heart, it's been played,stabbed,cheated,burned and broken but somehow it still works,,, yours will too.
Author lilyblue Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 I do like worthy much better I feel like I am worthy, but that still doesn't give me any comfort that it "will" happen. I totally understand the minute-by-minute. I'm kind of nervous that I don't know how to let go... I never did with the one that eventually came back and apologized. The only thing that "fixed" it was him coming back and explaining himself. I felt so free after that. So glad you're doing better Mike, sounds like you've moved forward a lot. I like your thoughts on exercise. I think it's also because it's so painful I can't think about anything else Thank you also for the suggestions. I find it really hard to relax... sometimes I feel like I need more stimulation than a lot of people. This might have been a bad idea, but just tried to go on a date. He was so boring and I was comparing the whole time. I didn't cry until I got in the car, so I guess that was a success.
hooliganization Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 What the completely honest response would be: I lie in bed awake for two hours before I can fall asleep, every single night. I go through each day like some kind of ..masochistic robot, because I'm never truly distracted. Even though his name and face are essentially always my head, it's tolerable to think of him while I'm busy. But it keeps me up at night. How in the world do you distract yourself then? Once the sun sets my mood changes. The world does become dark and I feel like I'm alone, which I guess you could say I am. As you put it, while in bed you have only your thoughts to comfort. I seriously wish there was a way to shut off the mind at least during the night. The way I've been distracting myself at night is thinking about what's next. What I need to do. Improve myself. Even then, I still manage to stay up for hours it seems.
M2155 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 This might have been a bad idea, but just tried to go on a date. He was so boring and I was comparing the whole time. I didn't cry until I got in the car, so I guess that was a success. Lol. Yes, I guess that's an optimistic way to look at it I don't think it's a bad idea as long as you are viewing it as just going out with someone new and not expecting to feel anything for the person. My first date was with a guy who had been off-on with his ex for 8-10 years and he was learning to be single again and not treat every date like a relationship. So it was cool because I knew that's not a situation I wanted to get anywhere near, and it was definitely a lesson I needed to learn too. So in the end it was refreshing to meet a new person but we never talked again.
Author lilyblue Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Once the sun sets my mood changes. The world does become dark and I feel like I'm alone, which I guess you could say I am. As you put it, while in bed you have only your thoughts to comfort. I seriously wish there was a way to shut off the mind at least during the night. The way I've been distracting myself at night is thinking about what's next. What I need to do. Improve myself. Even then, I still manage to stay up for hours it seems. For some reason I haven't had the falling asleep problem. I have been waking up at 4:30 every day since it's happened, but I think that's easier to deal with. Maybe I don't lay awake at night since I'm so tired from that.... That would be an excellent invention to be able to turn off the mind at night. Sorry both of you are having such a hard time falling asleep, it's rough when you can't get out of your thoughts at night.
Author lilyblue Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Lol. Yes, I guess that's an optimistic way to look at it I don't think it's a bad idea as long as you are viewing it as just going out with someone new and not expecting to feel anything for the person. My first date was with a guy who had been off-on with his ex for 8-10 years and he was learning to be single again and not treat every date like a relationship. So it was cool because I knew that's not a situation I wanted to get anywhere near, and it was definitely a lesson I needed to learn too. So in the end it was refreshing to meet a new person but we never talked again. Yeah I didn't have any expectations (it was an online date), but I was hoping to have some fun, which it wasn't really even. He was nice, and attractive, but boring. We left at 9:00. I miss the days of hanging out at a bar with the ex and it suddenly being midnight on a Tuesday without either of us even noticing. The guy you went out with definitely made it easy for you to stay away M2155
lolita jade Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Dont you think that is part of the problem with break ups. You think No one will be a fun as him. No one will know me like him/her. No one will understand me like them. No one will be as good in bed No one will be caring. etc etc etc. Also I think if you do like my ex does and put your head in the sand, stay busy and never focus on problems, then they are never solved just hidden deep inside of you.
lolita jade Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 PS I went on an online date. Talk about Mr toooooo nice. Jesus BORING OR WHAT? It was far too soon for me. Was he the same guy Lily?
mike588 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Dont you think that is part of the problem with break ups. You think No one will be a fun as him. No one will know me like him/her. No one will understand me like them. No one will be as good in bed No one will be caring. etc etc etc. Also I think if you do like my ex does and put your head in the sand, stay busy and never focus on problems, then they are never solved just hidden deep inside of you. We all feel/think that way,, blinded by love,,
Author lilyblue Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Dont you think that is part of the problem with break ups. You think No one will be a fun as him. No one will know me like him/her. No one will understand me like them. No one will be as good in bed No one will be caring. etc etc etc. Also I think if you do like my ex does and put your head in the sand, stay busy and never focus on problems, then they are never solved just hidden deep inside of you. At least he wasn't that good in bed... And I keep wanting to tell him that. But I won't. Oh yes, it's definitely the problem - all those thoughts. And I just don't like very many people, so he's going to be hard to replace. And, crying again.
lolita jade Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Poor Lily, No mine wasnt good in bed either. I feel I have to not come on this site for a while. It is making me obsess. We are not out enjoying ourselves or mending if we are on here. We will find someone else dont worry. Then your ex now will be like an ex of years ago. Only thinking of them very occasionally, with no or not much emotion.
CaliBabe Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Feel like that all the time and its been over 7 months
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