sinkerswim Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 Most of you know my situation.... been with my boyfriend/fiance 8 years, in Feb. he needed "space" because I was too smothering. Didnt know if he wanted to break up or not. I tried sending him letters, card and a couple phone calls. I got really nothing out of it. I got "I dont know" for answers. The last I called him was in March and he was cold to me, like I was bothering him. Thing is...hes never been like this before. He worries me. Hes not a bad person, he bottles up his emotions ...he always promised he would never leave me, but he did. He did it the wrong way because he couldnt confront me. Im still going through this thing in my mind that he hates me. I cant handle that. Everyone is telling me that they are sure he doesnt hate me...he just doesnt know how to tell me he doesnt want to be with me anymore. The last night I was with him (Feb 3) I asked if he hated me and he said No. But yet...he dumped me. He always hated when I asked questions like that.. (its part of having OCD) Anyway... I dont know what I am trying to say.. but do you think he was cold because he didnt want to give me false hope? Even thouhg I told him over and over that I love him...I feel like I should keep telling him. Everyone tells me that he knows already and thats why he is avoiding me. Because HE cant handle it. Im soo confused about everything that has happened. Im on 3 medications and seeing a therapist over this. A part of me died, the day he left. Im so lost without him. I saw him from a distance last night and I was comforted...yet, very sad. He still feels like he is mine...but yet, he's not. He is like a stranger. I am trying to get on with my life..but I dont want to let him go. Do you guys think he hates me? I always told him one of my worst fears was him leaving me... so he knows that. SO WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME? Do you think he is avoiding me because he has so much guilt and couldnt handle it? Im sorry..I sound confusing..but Im having a bad day.
vhshowdown Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 First of all, he doesnt hate you. KNOW THAT!! You arent gonna be with someone for 8 years, and then all of sudden they hate you. I understand your feelings though. Sometimes, I felt I needed to be reassured of my EX gf's love for me.... Insecure, lack of self worth, I dont know, but I needed to be reassured.... It is hard to walk away from a relationship. I am still struggling with it 2-3 months later. But while some days are better than others, it does get better. Someone once told me, if your heart hurts, rub your hand over it to soothe it. When you start getting thoughts in your head about your EX, snap your fingers, to clear that bad thought out of your head. It does work sometimes.... Just hang in there.........
azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 sinkerswim: I'm right there with you today. I, too, am having a bad day. So I'm here if you need to talk. I know what you mean about the coldness. My ex (I still have a hard time even referring to him as such) has been so cold to me lately, too. See, we moved in together in March. I had NO idea that there were major problems (a few fights here and there, but nothing to worry about - I thought) and then out of nowhere two weeks ago on Saturday - he tells me he "doesn't want this anymore." We agreed to give it some time to see what happened and last week things were getting better, but then on Monday he said he "wasn't changing his mind." Since then he has been colder and colder. He has even gotten mean and hostile toward me. As if I wronged HIM in some way. Last night he didn't come home and even though I know where he was and know he is not with another girl, it is still hard. Like I am so horrible to deal with or something. I don't know. And you know your ex doesn't HATE you. He is just a coward! And yes - he is avoiding you because he can't handle the guilt over the way he handled this. Maybe that's why mine is avoiding me, too. And one of my worst fears was always him leaving me, too! So I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. Just the thought of him leaving me when we were together would make me tear up and start to cry. Now my worst nightmare is coming true.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 im doing the stupidest thing...having my friend call..but nothing else is working so i have to try this. i just broke up with the other guy i was dating...it wasnt even working out. im just wondering this will work..hopefully it will but who knows
timpat92855 Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 if he keeps his emotions bottled up it is going to destroy him, YES he is avoiding u and yes he does feel guilty for leaving u, as he should but hang in there, hang in alittle bit longer things tend to work themselves out with time...
cantforget Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 Want to hear a big whinge about a bad day. Today is my birthday, no present, no card, no call, not even a text message. I messaged him in the end and said "I thought I would have heard from you today at least", have heard nothing back. I am sure his emotions are not destroying him as badly as mine are me.
Author sinkerswim Posted May 30, 2004 Author Posted May 30, 2004 THanks you guys.... When I have bad days..I just cant seem to function properly. AZGirl...Im always here if you need to talk. Im sorry you had a bad day. I also cant refer to him as my "ex" yet. VHShowdown...Thank you , you made me feel better. Cantforget...Im sorry your birthday wasnt a good one. Im dreading the birthday thing in the fall. TimPat...THank you for the input...You are right, he definatly should feel guilt. Meantolive..I dont know what to do.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 31, 2004 Posted May 31, 2004 hmm i dont know what to do either...i was at work earlier today and my best friend who i also work with was working. She said that she had seen my ex come in a couple days ago. she was talking to him and asked what was up between us...he said that we were broke up, so she asked why we broke up and he told her it was because we had too much sex....how can you have tooo much? well now i dont know that he still loves me or not cause if he didnt then he would have said so. so i dont know. it just seems that like everyone i talk to or that i try to date it just ends up ruined.
Velveteel Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Sinkerswim: Can you imagine falling out of love with someone? First you would begin to disengage a little, maybe to become irritated by your lover, not to want a lot of sex or physical closeness (unless all you want is to cuddle), to lose patience with some of the things you used to find cute, and even to magnify your differences. And your lover would sense you pulling away, and ask questions like, "Do you hate me?" This kind of question implies that emotions are black or white: if he doesn't love you, he must hate you. Of course he doesn't hate you! He just began to lose his romantic love for you. He began to want to be alone more than he wanted to be with you. And he hated the thought of hurting you. And then he felt guilty that he was going to do it anyway. So he chickened out of the Big Talk. He just cut out. Just because your biggest fear was being abandoned, this doesn't mean he should stay with you. Would you stay with someone just because he needed and wanted you, if you didn't need and want him back? And how would you feel, marrying a man who didn't deeply love you, but who didn't want to hurt you by saying so? When you're ready to accept this loss, remind yourself that the WORST thing that could have happened to you is to marry a man who didn't really want to be with you. Be grateful for the happy years you shared, and then be grateful that he freed you to find someone who wouldn't dream of disappearing like this, because he's profoundly in love with you. You deserve that, and I hope you find it soon.
meanttolive4ever Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 im still so lost..i dont know what to think or to do
Author sinkerswim Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Thank you Velveteel.... I guess he just couldnt handle everything. But I would give anything to talk to him again.
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