eleanorhurting Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I have two questions: How do you deal with someone who plays you hot and cold? Example: answers your texts 1 day later, says they will call you and then apollogize the next day when they dont. I "dated" someone like that and they strung me along for months. It was horrible. I wat to believe i learned from it and I can now at least recognize the pattern. What is the assertive way of dealing with this? Do you ignore the person? Do you confront them about their behavior? Ok second question: I freak out about never being able to find someone after the breakup with my boyfriend 1 year ago. I have dated casually and it has been so horrible. I hate it. It makes me hate myself more for what happened 1 year ago. I am in therapy, trying to deal with it, etc. How common is it to find love in a big city like Boston, NYC, Philadelphia? I think I might go there to do my residency and if I knew that it would be better over there I think I would be more at ease with just being alone until I graduate in 2013 and I would stop freaking out about it. Because I have given up on hope of finding someone at home. I know it is irrational but I deep inside believe that I missed my chance at love and I will never find someone that i am compatible with that I like and that likes me back. And I blame it all on my breakup from 1 year ago. I still suffer and cry all the time. I have sought help for it and I am trying not to freak out about it but its so hard.
Lobouspo Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 As for question one i was in a similar situation as you just recently, and you have to tell the person in no uncertain terms what your expectations are and if the "hot and cold" behavior continues you leave the relationship...its that simple. You then make yourself available to someone who will give you what you are looking for in a SO. As for question 2. You are young, attractive and seem to have your s--t together in terms of career, so there are plenty of men available looking for someone like you. I would be careful in moving to some specific place just to increase your odds of meeting someone. Put your career first and the other stuff will fall into place. You sound kinda lonely and vulnerable right now and may be in danger of getting entangled with someone incompatible that could derail your career goals. In the meantime spend time with friends and focus on work/school, whatever. At the end of the day, there are plenty of quality single men around your age everywhere, unless you nare in Timbuktu somewhere.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 That is good to hear. Its just hard not to get disheartened sometimes. If I moved to any of those places it would be because the program is good. You're right I should just focus on school and family and friends and stop freaking out about the whole thing. I really hope you are right.
fishtaco Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Question 1: You do the hot and cold back and multi-date. It's typical dating behavior, at least here in Southern California. I don't know if it's a big-city thing. Try it. Next time he goes cold, you call up someone else. If you have enough men you are dating in parallel, one of them will be "hot" at any given time. Question 2: I only know how to date in Southern California, it is "big city" here. There are a lots of opportunities. In LA there are around 13 million people. If you're willing to drive a bit to the surrounding areas, even more people. You could go on a date with a different person every Friday night, and you will die from old age before you run out of people to go one dates with. But it's a double edged sword; more opportunities also means each opportunity means less. You are also an "opportunity" to someone else. And at least in big cities, you don't mean much, just like they shouldn't mean much to you. Multi-date, don't take things seriously. Meaningful relationships will happen, but it'll have to naturally emerge out of a bunch of meaningless social interactions. One of my acquaintances once said, everyone is disposable. That pretty much sums up dating in LA. I'd imagine other big city dating is similar. Small town I can see how this attitude doesn't work. You get a few chances, and you better make them work. Big cities (at least in LA), it's about cranking through your opportunities and seeing which one sticks around.
eerie_reverie Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 It sounds cliche, but you will Eventually move on from your ex to someone new and better. I held on I my first love stronger than most - it took me 4 years, but that time wasn't all wasted. I dated lots of guys and gained a lot of insight into what I was looking for, how to treat other people, and how I want to be treated. More importantly, I learned how to be alone, how to rely on myself and be my own best friend. You will meet someone eventually... Spend the one now to get ready. And that hot and cold ****? It's bull ****, don't settle for that.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I live in an island but I feel like its hard to meet new people outside of my usual circle. I feel like I already screwed up my chances here.
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