lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Sorry posting alot. Fed up at the mo. And thinking of new things to ask. I think most of you know my story. What do you think the likelyhood of my ex breaking up with the OW is? Just wondering if there is more than a 50 per cent chance
mike588 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Sorry posting alot. Fed up at the mo. And thinking of new things to ask. I think most of you know my story. What do you think the likelyhood of my ex breaking up with the OW is? Just wondering if there is more than a 50 per cent chance It's ok that's what we are here for. Well there's always a chance,,I've forgotten the details,,,he left you for her,, how long has it been? how long were you together?
Author lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 25 years, separated but still strong feelings and coffees, days out. I became very needy, begging etc push him to dating someone whos husband had left her. he met in sports centre (his work) She has 3 children. he doesnt like other peoples children. We have 2 adult children. He was confused at first about it.Then said how happy he was and he has new family after 2 months. Now doesnt contact me. He has been seeing her 5 months. I have known for 3.
mike588 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 25 years, separated but still strong feelings and coffees, days out. I became very needy, begging etc push him to dating someone whos husband had left her. he met in sports centre (his work) She has 3 children. he doesnt like other peoples children. We have 2 adult children. He was confused at first about it.Then said how happy he was and he has new family after 2 months. Now doesnt contact me. He has been seeing her 5 months. I have known for 3. Ok you were together 25 yrs wow,Maybe he's going thru midlife crisis? I wish I had a crystal ball and could give you a definate answer but from him not liking other peoples children and it's been only 5 months (that is some time though) I still feel after some time he will get tired of the children and maybe of her too. Not to say he will come running back to you though if it happens, he says he's happy,they all say that to justify their leaving and he maybe really happy now cause they are still in their honeymoon phase. He has a long history with you,that's a good thing,, he probably doesn't want to talk to you now either out of guilt or he's just focused on her at this time (honeymoon period) I'm sure you have been told several times but the only thing you can do now is try to move on,better yourself, don't contact him and let the relationship run its course.
Author lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 Thanks Mike I know I need to do that. Fine when we are positive. Difficult when we slip. I know I have to though. I think he only sees her about twice a week as he works eves and she has kids. I am wondering whether that prolongs honeymoon phase. As kids dont affect his lifestyle??
fificremefarben Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Don't worry, Lolita, post as many new questions as you like. That's what we're here for! I know I've been finding that every so often a question will niggle at me as I'm still trying to process the BU and an outlet like LoveShack is fantastic for dealing with those little questions. I don't want to give you false hope and I really do think that you're doing fantastic by moving on as much as you have and that's definitely the right direction for now, BUT the fact that you were together for so long makes me inclined to say that he's just going through a phase. GIGs for sure, but Mike suggested a midlife crisis, and that's a pretty good suggestion too. Only time will tell, but I have a feeling that, at the very least, he'll realise what a mistake he made in time! Stay strong, Lolita xx
Author lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 Thanks Mike and Fifi, I know it is not mid life crisis. If it was that he would have done it when we were together. It is a combination of me being too needy during our separation and this woman showing him some attention. He hasnt had a honeymoon phase for 25 years. I am sure it feels amazing He did saywhen he told me he has to do this at the moment and when I have asked him questions about it he always said at the moment. Does this mean he sees it as a fling and it isnt perminant? Or because he is hoping I am a back up plan if it goes tits up? He did say when he told me about her 'could we try if it fails' and cuddled me. Followed by a couple of days later by I am good at making him confused and he was only comforting me???
twinkles Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Interesting Lolita, I didn't know that he had left for a woman who's husband has left. It could be that he is playing the hero. Rescuing a damsel in distress.men love that..I think I mentioned that before. the fact that he only sees her twice a week may be to your advantage. He's used to coming home to someone every night. he may just very well eventually miss that. Who knows maybe when the other woman gets used to life alone she just may kick him to the curb. this may be one of those situations where you will just have to wait and see how it plays out. In the meantime though you have to move on. You never know sometimes when they want you back...you don't want them. Use this time to reevaluate your feelings and your needs.
Author lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 Twinks, Yes her husband left for a while though I think/ dont know. You mean healping her with the struggle of bringing up 3 kids. Lovely..... babysitting. school runs, taxiing, naughty kids, teenage years, expense, all over again for him lol lol lol. I pointed that out to him but he is blind to it My husband has my 20 year old son living with him, so they won't be moving in soon. He hasn't had me there while we were separated. So he is used to sleeping alone. It is the unknown isn't it. That is the hard part. If I knew he would definately stay with her. it would be easier to move on.
twinkles Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Lolita have you ever thought of presenting him with divorce papers or have you already? This could be the wake up call he needs. If you are not ready..i get it.
Author lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I dont see why I should be the one to pay for the divorce. If OW is doing the get divorced from your wife thing. They win !! Plus he is very tight with money. He would love it if I paid. I would like to shock him somehow. I guess the only other way is to move on with a gorgeous man on my arm!! Hindsight, but maybe I should of done if you go off with her I will never talk to you ever again or something like that.... Stupid.....
twinkles Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 You know what Lolita a gorgeous man may be just what you need Nothing like a good romp in the hay to make you feel alive again. You know what would really shock him..if you actually gave him approval of his relationship. He most likely wants to rebel and everytime you mention things about starting over with the kids etc etc it just makes him want to do it more.. It's like a don't tell me what to do attitude. If you act like you don't care or that you accept it, it won't seem as appealing to him. Men are such little boys.
Author lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I think you are right Twinks. Do you know. It was suggested to me that I lie and say I have found someone. I wont do this though as it would be lying to my kids too. He did say that if I found someone it would be a relief but that was when he was first dating her and I was needy, so maybe he would be shocked now. I think I will act like I am happy I am free and enjoying myself. Hopefully I wont be acting. If I get that drink with him???? I may get chance to tell him I am happy he has new woman. BTW. I am the rebellious one who wont be told what to do normally. This has sure turned me into something I am not and I need my mojo back. I know I am having a rough few days. Cant be positive all the time or we would be robots Thanks for all your help and hope you all find the strength to enjoy the party season and Christmas. You all deserve to. If your ex'x are enjoying themselves we should be too.
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I think as long as you are wondering and pondering, he will not come back. From everything I've heard of your story, I think the cards are in your favor. I would skip the drink, I'd tell him I'm going...I don't know, salsa dancing, out with the girls, or whatever you've gotten yourself into (just something interesting that's now more important than him). I don't think you need to give your blessing to his new relationship (I think that would have been better in the beginning), just remain unavailable, hold your head high and get on with things. We know he'll come back around when the shininess wears off from the OW or he gets scared you're not there anymore. Saying you would feel better if you knew he would stay with her just says you are holding on to hope...hence my first statement. While of course getting over a break is a long process, it's like we subconsciously block ourselves from moving on because we are afraid how we'll feel when they come back. I think you should really just let this go the best you can and keep yourself up for that gorgeous man when he comes along;).
Author lolita jade Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Dont know if just blew all chances but a friend of mine died of cancer in the night(not particularly close). I phoned up ex, he said he didn;t feel right going for drink and he was too busy. He said he was really happy and trying to sort his life. I said is there any chance we can ever get back together and he said not at this moment (moment again) and I lost it and told him he always has time for her, I will come and get my stuff and he wont need to speak to me again as I am fed up of the way he is treating me. He can carry on with his affair (not strictly as we are separated, just wanted to add some punch) and he think he is a nice person I told him he is f**king horrible and slammed down the phone. During this conversation I said he doesnt want to know me or want me in his life and he said he does and I need to calm down. I may have blown my chances but he is carrying on like I just need to be nice and accept it all like a nice wifey should. I expect ill be getting the divorce papers through now. Sorry M2155, was going to take your advice but my emotions got the better of me.
twinkles Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 What a SOB.. Don't regret the call it's something you wanted to do. Not at this moment. There he is keeping you hanging..keeping you waiting...giving you hope. Not fair at all. Sometimes it would be easier if they just tell you, no I don't want to come back at least that way you can move on with your life. It must have killed you to hear how happy he is when you are so sad. A knife in the heart. I'm so sorry for you. A big booboo was mentioning the new girl friend and how he has time for her but not you. Don't do that again. It lowers your status in his eyes. Light contact is needed in this relationship but you have to learn to use it to your advantage. Let him be the next one to call Ok..Isn't he supposed to help you with the car. Let him call to set that up.
lilyblue Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 So sorry, that must have been an unpleasant conversation to have. Of course every story is different, but if it's any cosolation at all I have experienced all this from the other side. My ex was divorced, said he just wanted to be "done dealing with the ex", I made him so happy, etc, etc, etc. Guess who he left me for? Seems like the fact that he still had emotion towards her (in expressing that he never wanted to see her) maybe wasn't so good. He was still holding onto something.
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Yeah I think this is why everyone suggests NOT contacting the ex until you are over them. It's understandable, you feel you deserve more after such a long history but hearts don't play fair:sick:. Remember this incident going forward or next time you feel the need to reach out. You didn't "blow" your chances, they are what they always have been, you're just resetting the process. He is not obligated to do anything for you right now so don't expect it. I don't think going for a drink or having friendly chats is a good idea for one because you're not ready and second you do not want to become his friend (to the point he has comfortable relationships with both of you). You need to develop your independence and put you first. Because one day, he will call for a drink or to chat, it won't be when you want it to happen, but I will fly over and take you for a drink myself if he never does...but when he does he will see just how unimportant he's become and you'll learn if he is going to make any effort. Like Twinkles said, don't call. It's his job to figure out what he wants, and when he does if he can ever win you back.
Author lolita jade Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Although it was not correct what I did this morning. I feel it was in his case. He doesnt want to finalise anything with me and he wants to make a new life for himself with new woman. He said he still wants me in his life and stalls about me getting the rest of my stuff from the house. I think that was building up like a rocket inside me. Because of the situation I was forced to put up, shut up and be nice even though he is not to me. I am definately not the sort of person to be weak in a relationship and let him dominate me. That is not me and I hated what I have become do to him. I needed to tell him exactly how I felt and that I was no pushover waiting patiently for him to return to me if it all fails with her. Enough was said I think to get him thinking I will not be the nicey weak woman in all of this. I do intend to go completely no contact. My only problem is my stuff do I get it now? I dont want to stay friends with him to please his concience. I wanted to for the kids but he isnt contacting me as the kids mother to see if I am ok for thier sake. I really dont want to hate him for thier sake but it is really heading that way. Right now I dont want him again and I feel better. A friend I met today who has done GIGS, was saying when it all went tits up for him he headed back to his comfort zone. Great!!! So be warned folks, if your ex does come back make sure its not to comfort them for a while.
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Feeling better, angry, sad...it all goes in waves. Anger is a good wave to ride for a while but hate is not where you want to stay, that has it downsides too. Yes, get your stuff back now, don't wait. Set up a time for him to leave it outside or whatever the deal is. No chit-chat. Forget what he wants or what he says, it's not about him. You don't need to play nice about anything! You need to change your expectations of him and understand you can't say anything that will impact him. The more you try, the more he'll resist. Don't pretend to like it, the best thing you can do is let go. Trust me he will realize it when he's lost you, it will just take time. And you may be over it by then. And I will buy you above mentioned drink if he never comes sniffing around.
mike588 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hey M2155 will you extend that drink offer to me too if mine DOESN'T come sniffin around? lol
twinkles Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Holy s**t Lolita, I was ready your previous posts and I can't believe that it has been a year since you seperated. How long are you going to do this to yourself? Honestly, I thought it was a recent break up. You are being weak and being dominated by him..you are giving him permission to do this to you. You go get your stuff out of the house tomorrow. This has got to end now. Enough is enough. You want to stop being a pushover then stop it now. Go buy that dress the upcoming party and shine for all the world to see.
Author lolita jade Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Twinks, Hey its not strictly been a year since the break. It was a year since I moved out because we were in such a rut. I saw it that space was the only answer to try and get back together. We had coffees, went out for days, meals, takeaways, etc etc. We were very amicable. He wanted a little space too though to try and fix us. I was very needy and cried and said I wanted to go home etc and it became too much for him. This is when he met other woman who was showing him attention. So strictly speaking it is 3 months since he told me about other woman and so I think of it as 3 months because he not once said it was over between us and it wouldn't work. He always made me beleive we had a chance. He said all the lovely things about me 3 months ago about strong feelings/ trying with me etc. If I had broken up with him properly a year ago then of course it would be game over and the other woman would not be rebound. But this is not the case, Complicated...... You can probably see why I am finding it so hard. I was led on for a year I beleive??? I am in waves. Like a skitzo. Wake up wondering who I am today?? Which head I will wear I cant do anger for long. I am too nice. Now you know the full story. you probably realise why I am angry. It is like he wants to experiment with a new life but still wants me to be there if it doesnt work. I feel very used. I will get my stuff and toughen up. I think I need to toughen up with this now. You are right. He has never been the type to use, be selfish or hurt me, but along comes another woman and he has changed. So many men (according to friends in similar boat) do the same when they have OW. I am angry too because I know he is ruining everything for us as I really dont think he will be happy beyond honeymoon phase. Will want me back and yes it will be too late, but he wont listen. I am angry he didn't choose me instead of her as I gave him the option. But tomorrow tht anger will turn into whichever emotion??? I lost my job over this too as I found it too much and am struggling to find work at this time of yr. Maybe I need to seek out those anti depressants? I was over the hurt for about two weeks and now gone backwards. Still now I have got angry with him I feel I can leave it there and start to move on slowly and look forward to buying that dress. And yes I am out to make him wish he'd have stayed with me. And I will suceed but ultimately it will be to do it for me. BTW.... Maybe M2155, Mike and myself will get that drink. Anyone else fancy one? Shame we dont all live nearer. That would be a great night
M2155 Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hey M2155 will you extend that drink offer to me too if mine DOESN'T come sniffin around? lol I taking bets I think I can win today Mike. You'll be alright!
Author lolita jade Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Just text ex ' I want to get my stuff at weekend. can you let me know a good time. You have hurt me so much and destroyed our family' A little harsh but its what i truly feel. I will collect my stuff and make a new life. Hard but I need to make a stand for myself and not let him use me as a pawn in a game. If he wont help me with my car? Then i will just have to find a cheap mechanic, or eventually another man who can tinker with my car. Ironic this thread turned from me asking percentages of a reunion to the opposite in just two days.
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