Trying hard but struggling.

[Lonely-lulu]

I am 3 weeks post BU. I have maintained no contact for the full three weeks bar one phone call suggested in a break up book to help with closure. He has text me a few times asking for belongings and in these texts he always asks how i am and i avoid discussing my feelings. I am getting on with life, feeling relatively positive but all the time there is this feeling in my gut that I can't get rid of and I think it's a combination of both loneliness and fear.

 

I had lived with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and I miss closeness so much. Just holding his hand or hearing him breathing next to me in bed. I miss it so much. I'm also afraid that I won't find anyone else who I adore as much as I did him. I know this is a normal feeling and have read many people say they are feeling the same way but I can't help but wonder if my love was more than others. If my bond with my partner was stronger and therefore maybe I'm the one who won't ever find it again.

 

I removed all of his belongings from our flat but this morning I found the valentines cards he has sent to me in the past and it made me feel so upset. Where did it go wrong, how did I go from someone he loved so much and thought was so attractive to someone who was no longer needed and for him to feel that going out and partying and following an empty dream was worth more than our love?

 

I can't help thinking that for all of the good, feeling so bad makes love a pointless game to take part in.

 

Any advice would be welcomed and hugely appreciated.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Lonely-lulu

[foolishlover]

Hang in there. 4 years is a long time to have been with someone. You cant expect to feel any better just merely after 3 weeks.

 

I really feel for you as my LTR ended on a similar note (feel that going out and partying and following an empty dream was worth more than our love?)

 

I also feel that sometimes my relationship may have been different and that the love was 'more than others' as you say.

 

The truth is, all relationships are different and only you and your partner know what you both had.

 

Ive been NC for 2 weeks now and it is excruciating. Even our last chat haunts me, especially when he told me to pack my stuff.

 

But in the past few days, i was able to stand back and look at the reasons why it didnt work. This has kept me strong and made me understand that the break up happened for a reason.

 

I love him and still do, but he wanted to see what was out there and live the life of partying and clubbing that he never had. The more i forced the relationship to work, the more he would have resented me for it. So i had no choice but to let him go. And trust me, that kills me inside. Not one day has gone past without me crying.

 

Im not sure what your reasons were, but realise that there must have been some problems that lead you both to a break up.

 

NC is a good idea and focus on you. You are most important right now

[Lonely-lulu]

Thank you for your response we'd been together for 5 1/2 years and I'm a totally different person now and don't really know who I am anymore. We broke up because he wants to concentrate on his career as a dj, he said he didn't have time to put into our relationship anymore and that my love conquers all attitude is unrealistic. We are both 28 and he said he feels he has two years left to go wild. He also said we are too different.

 

I told him that as he gets more successful the likelihood of meeting someone who loves him for him reduces, and I did love him for who he was, warts and all. He had nothing when we met and I helped and encouraged him to pursue his dreams. His response was that he doesn't want someone to love him for being a nobody he wants someone to love him for being a success. He said to live a life of routine and get married and settle down is mundane and he hates the thought he would end up like that.

 

I want a stable loving relationship one day, but I wanted it with him and I feel like now all of my friends are settled down with partners and I'm the damaged goods left behind to watch other people be happy.

 

Thank you for your message, I read it through blurry eyes but it helped! X

[foolishlover]

you poor thing...ur story is so similar to mine, so i understand where you are coming from.

 

My ex was a complete introvert and lacked confidence. After i took him out of his shell and pushed his confidence levels up, his ego went over the roof and he started flirting and touching other people. He then left me as he is now a 'different person' and that he isnt that shy guy anymore. He wants to throw himself out there.

 

Enough about me though.

 

If he said that he only has '2 years left to go wild' then im sorry to say this, but there really isnt anything you can do. You have to let him do what he wants or he will resent you for holding him back and making him miss out on what he never had. It is hard i know, but once the heart has changed, there is nothing you can do about it. He has to be the one who wants to come back and change for you.

 

He also sounds like he is going through a big change in his life (quarter life crisis?) and that he is adamant on pursuing the thing that he wants. Unfortunately it seems that he has decided to do this solo.

 

I can understand why you would say 'I told him that as he gets more successful the likelihood of meeting someone who loves him for him reduces' but i would think that would egg him on even more.

 

One of the things you wrote was that you 'dont know who you are anymore' This isnt a good sign. You should use this time to find the person you were before you met him. You must have been this confident, independant person which attracted him in the first place. You can never get to a point where you lose yourself. Plus if you say you dont know who you are anymore, this lack of self identity could possibly mean that you were a bit independent on him? If that is the case, this could have also strained the relationship. This could also add reason why he wants to detach himself (disclaimer, this is only from what i read from your post.)

 

But you really need to find yourself and find the happiness that you can bring to yourself, not the happiness dependent on another person.

 

*hugs*

 

I really feel for you. But be strong. And remember, NC is to help you move on. I found that when i broke it, it put me all the way back to square one

[swann]

I want a stable loving relationship one day, but I wanted it with him and I feel like now all of my friends are settled down with partners and I'm the damaged goods left behind to watch other people be happy.

 

I also feel like this. It really sucks. What I hate the most is looking around and feeling that nobody will ever come close to how precious my ex was.

I hope this will pass one day.

Stay strong, who knows what lies ahead for you...

[Lonely-lulu]

Thank you for your replies. It's so difficult to move forward and think that there is someone else out there. I know that my happiness shouldn't come from someone else but it does come from loving someone else. I want to make people happy, I find my happiness in giving other people happiness and for the last 5 years that is what I've done for him, everything was planned with him in my mind from what I would cook for dinner to what I would wear to go out and everything in between. I devoted myself to him and he rejected me. It's the feeling that you showed every part of yourself to someone, every flaw and insecurity and then they say "oh no thanks, what you do is nice but look at all of these adoring fans I have." because my boyfriend was so popular and in demand my identity became j's girlfriend not Jessica anymore.

 

I have never felt old until now trying to start again at 28 is miserable, I'd convinced myself that I didn't want marriage or children but if I do I feel that i don't have long to do it now.

[twinkles]

This may be harsh but I'll say it anyways.

 

When you met this guy he had no money and probably no home since he lived in your home.

 

You were his rescuer. You were his backbone. He's probably got alot of confidence now. Has a job, has women throwing themselves at him...now all of a sudden he thinks he's better than you.

 

When he looks at you it reminds him of what a loser he was.

 

Beware of this guy. If he ever falls off the pedestal he's put himself on he will come running back to you. Do not take him back. This guy is a user.

 

At 28 years old it's not starting over it's continuing.

[swann]

I have never felt old until now trying to start again at 28 is miserable, I'd convinced myself that I didn't want marriage or children but if I do I feel that i don't have long to do it now.

 

Believe me, you are still very young, don't worry about that. But you have to heal first, this is not the time to picture yourself in the future. Try to focus on present and healing.

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi Lonely-Lulu,

 

First of all I wouldn't expect anything other than you being absolutely devastated only 3 weeks into a breakup! I know that you want to be proactive and feel like you're moving in the right direction. I'm in a similar situation after having been dumped pretty brutally by my fiance. I understand how you would never question or doubt your relationship in a million years. How your future seems gray right now. I personally, have been having terrible panic attacks for weeks now with the dawning realization.

 

So here's the thing, it sounds like you have done what every person on earth does post breakup-idealize your ex as some sort of saint. Can I ask how confident you are with yourself at the moment? I know that the more unhappy I was with my situation, the more amazing an ex seemed to me in the past. The whole advice of "working on yourself" sounds cliched because all you want to say is no! This was special! He was the love of my life and no one else will ever replace that! But this is one compartment of your world you don't have control over right now.

 

Don't mistake 3 weeks of not hearing from your ex as him "checking out." You meant more to him than that and it devalues your importance in his life. The truth is, some people tend to have a few weeks or month of the denial phase. My ex did that for 2 months where he convinced himself his decisions were 'for the best' but in talking to him now, I understand that the longer it went on the more he started to wonder what he had done. I can't speak for your ex but I suspect the reality hasn't hit him yet. He was as dependent on you remember.

 

So what do you do now, with this soul wrenching sickening anxiety that comes with losing someone so central in your life? Well if I had that magic answer I probably wouldn't be on this website. But I do know feeling like I'm doing something, anything to work on my personal success (and I don't just mean go to the gym or buy new clothes, I couldn't force myself outside for weeks). I mean start thinking what new stage in your life you want to enter. I'm just about your age and 28 is young. You met him when you were 24 right? You're a different person in some respects than you were back then. This time, the first few weeks, are going to be hell. But then you'll have 20 mins where you don't feel so bad. And a few days later you'll have 22 mins. And sooner or later you'll find you're still heartbroken but more functional. Reserve at least the next few months for feeling terrible. Don't expect yourself to snap out of it and don't let anyone tell you you should. You are going to mourn this and you are going to be fine. I can tell you sound like a sweet loyal girl and I'm pretty sure if someone can blow 4 years of a relationship with you, he's going to do it again with someone else. He wasn't the love of your life because he wouldn't dare lose you if he was.

 

Please remember, as inconcievable as it is right now, this will get better. I promise.