ditzchic Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Consider this: If you confess...she'll never trust you the same way again. Women claim to want to know the truth but I honestly think sometimes...it's not always best. As she shouldn't. However if it was a one time thing, it might be something you want to consider keeping in the closet, because she will never trust you again. You can never be sure it was a one time thing. Right before you cheated for the first time that is something that you told her would never do. And I'm sure you planned on sticking to your word. Sh*t happens. Now you think you can be absolutely sure? So as a final verdict, if you know you will not cheat on this woman again and you know you can be faithful and everything else that is great and you really want a future with this woman...I'd advise you out of experience not to tell and say your confessions to a priest or someone else. As said above, at one time you already KNEW that you would never cheat on this woman. EVER. Yet you did. At this point it becomes less about YOU wanting a future and more about the two of you being able to work on getting there together. If she so chooses. It can't be all about YOUR wants. That's what landed you in someone else's bed in the first place. Time to nut up and step into big boy land and realize that YOUR needs and wants don't trump hers. It's a partnership. Trust her to act as your partner and make a good decision.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I honestly don't believe that there is surprises in cheating...you're either willing to take that step or you are not. The fact that I mention the one time thing is If you're willing to change the fact that you would cheat and not accept that in the future. You can't put your penis in a girl on accident, I'm sorry.
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 The problem with my SO telling me that he cheated on me is that it would mean if I decided to stay with him, that would tell him that cheating is ok. If he were truly contrite, he would keep it to himself and break off everything with the other woman. I think in life it is very difficult to forgive anyone. For ecample, even among friends, if you tried to forgive someone who flakey and unrealiable, then whenever they stood you up or whatever, everyone familiar with the situation would say, why do you waste your time. You knew he/she was like that. This is the same with adultery. If your partner fooled around once and you know about it, well, when they do it twice, what's the verdict? Who's at fault here?
oldguy Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Because I try my best to respect my partner's autonomy and openly own my actions. Also, like ditz said, out of respect. I suppose that you could look at it this way...if I took a cookie out of the cookie jar even after my mother told me not to, than I wouldn't have a lot of respect for her wishes at that particular time. But perhaps I have enough overall respect for her to attempt to atone for my selfishness (don't steal your mother's cookies, prick). Part of the atonement process would be to confess to my mother. Here's one reason for being honest that hasn't been touched upon: You foster an environment of openness and honesty with your spouse, simply because it reduces the chances that you will be lied to in return. That's more about self-interest than anything else. If your partner confessed to cheating in your relationship would that then make them a better person? & if they came to you each time they had cheated, what would that make them? Guilt IS more persuasive motivator, that is; when the cheater feels true guilt. It definitely depends on the couple.
nofool4u Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Bottom line, if you think she DESERVES RESPECT, the respect of being told the truth about what she is dating, then tell her. If you do NOT think she deserves respect, then continue to lie by omission. And when she looks at you so loving, you can look back into her eyes and know that she deserves a better man.
ditzchic Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Bottom line, if you think she DESERVES RESPECT, the respect of being told the truth about what she is dating, then tell her. If you do NOT think she deserves respect, then continue to lie by omission. And when she looks at you so loving, you can look back into her eyes and know that she deserves a better man. My God, I love this answer. I don't think it can be summed up any better.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Bottom line, if you think she DESERVES RESPECT, the respect of being told the truth about what she is dating, then tell her. R O F L Yeah, as stated by anyone who, merely for being at such a crossroads, clearly didn't think "she" deserved (what he now calls) "respect". Obviously, and by his own admission, a 'fool'. *** and one who prefers to "omit" "respect" for his partner as it suits his little head. (Clearly the last person who should take the position of deciding what is "respect(ful)" )
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Bottom line, if you think she DESERVES RESPECT, the respect of being told the truth about what she is dating, then tell her. If you do NOT think she deserves respect, then continue to lie by omission. And when she looks at you so loving, you can look back into her eyes and know that she deserves a better man. This is one of those cliche lines you hear on Oprah and everyone cheers but realistically never happens or the reality period. This is not about respect or disrespect, because he clearly already has disrespected her already and there's no coming back from it, the deed is done. Furthermore who is going to choose the "I don't deserve to be respected" option so they can be with that person who cheated on them? Of course nobody is going to want that, that's a consequence not a choice! The only thing that can happen is that broken and bitter person will "try" to get over the fact they were cheated on, never to trust them again and forever be hurt by that person...So who's the one paying the price? the person cheated on or the person who cheated if they both know what happened. This isn't an idealistic world kiddies where no one is poor, hungry, tortured and killed, welcome to reality where tough decisions are made and nothing is perfect!
Severely Unamused Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 If your partner confessed to cheating in your relationship would that then make them a better person? Honestly? The word "better" isn't specific enough. I don't have an answer. & if they came to you each time they had cheated, what would that make them? Honest. An honest bastard vs a dishonest darling. I can at least respect the honest bastard, being one myself (so I'm pretty biased here). They give you the courtesy of telling you who you are dealing with. The dishonest darling relies on fantasy and illusion to maintain their image. Guilt IS more persuasive motivator, that is; when the cheater feels true guilt. It definitely depends on the couple. No disagreements there.
nofool4u Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 This is one of those cliche lines you hear on Oprah and everyone cheers but realistically never happens or the reality period. This is not about respect or disrespect, because he clearly already has disrespected her already Uh, that was the point.
RickFox Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 My xMW feels no guilt, not that I can tell. She goes on with her husband and life, knowing full well what she's done (God knows if Im the only one) but she plugs along. Hell, he even bought her a new car and a ring not too long ago, which Im sure eases any guilt she might have been feeling:lmao:
oldguy Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 This is one of those cliche lines you hear on Oprah and everyone cheers but realistically never happens or the reality period. This is not about respect or disrespect, because he clearly already has disrespected her already and there's no coming back from it, the deed is done. Furthermore who is going to choose the "I don't deserve to be respected" option so they can be with that person who cheated on them? Of course nobody is going to want that, that's a consequence not a choice! The only thing that can happen is that broken and bitter person will "try" to get over the fact they were cheated on, never to trust them again and forever be hurt by that person...So who's the one paying the price? the person cheated on or the person who cheated if they both know what happened. This isn't an idealistic world kiddies where no one is poor, hungry, tortured and killed, welcome to reality where tough decisions are made and nothing is perfect! Well put. My xMW feels no guilt, not that I can tell. She goes on with her husband and life, knowing full well what she's done (God knows if Im the only one) but she plugs along. Hell, he even bought her a new car and a ring not too long ago, which Im sure eases any guilt she might have been feeling:lmao: Then she will probably do it again. If she perceived the experience & results as more positive she will do it again for the payoff, whether that be tangible or emotional.
melenkurion Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 One of the things that still rankles a little bit is that when my ex started to develop the warm fuzzies for the chap he eventually left me for, he bundled me out of the house on a pretext so that he could invite his best chum around to decide what to do about The Future. The thing is, it wasn't just his future, it was mine just as much as his. I wish I had been presented with the facts so that I could have been party to this Grand Conference. Yes, I'd have wanted to know the facts. I feel I had just as much right to have full knowledge of the situation as he did. How dare he make decisions about my future without consulting me?
loversquarrel Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 put on a pair of your bad idea jeans and fess up.
bigmomma1974 Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 This gives me something to think about. I do not know if I'd want to know or not. However I do believe Honesty is the best policy. However I don't know if I could handle the pain of finding out. Most likely I could and I would eventually move on but I don't know. Trust doesn't come to me easily, I've been cheated on and some would even say I cheated, when My first husband and I where legally seperated. I had a one night stand months after we seperated, but months later we got back together. So did I cheat or not? Some say yes some say No. Either way we ended divorcing for totally different reasons. The truth was very painful to him when I told him but felt he had a right to know before we decided to get back together. He took time to think about this and decided I was honest and up front with him and we moved on. He never ever accussed me of being unfaithful or stepping out on him. He did tell me it pained him some to know I did sleep with someone else while we where seperated. Having experienced a little of both I don't know. I'm remarried been with my spouse 6 yrs, married 3. He knows of the incident that took place with my ex husband, I wanted him to know up front everything I ever did, Good and bad.
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