octupos Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 So, I see a divergent opinion here on confessing that one has cheated. Some people ask if they should tell their SO that they cheated on them, and the responses seem to be either: 1) Yes, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. or 2) No, you are just trying to unburden your own guilt. Suck it up and live with it. So, which do you think is right? What would you want your SO to do if they cheated on you? Would you rather stay in the ignorant bliss, or hear the painful truth? In responding, would you post your general age and gender? (just to get an idea of what someone who is 18 thinks vs someone who is 32, male vs female (or other gender ID) etc.)
KathyM Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 So, I see a divergent opinion here on confessing that one has cheated. Some people ask if they should tell their SO that they cheated on them, and the responses seem to be either: 1) Yes, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. or 2) No, you are just trying to unburden your own guilt. Suck it up and live with it. So, which do you think is right? What would you want your SO to do if they cheated on you? Would you rather stay in the ignorant bliss, or hear the painful truth? In responding, would you post your general age and gender? (just to get an idea of what someone who is 18 thinks vs someone who is 32, male vs female (or other gender ID) etc.) The truth is always the right thing to do. The truth is the fair thing to do. No one wants to live a lie and be made a fool of. I would much rather hear the truth so that I know what the real situation is and I would have a chance to leave and find someone I could trust. No one has the right to make that decision for me. It's like being held captive in a lie and in a sham of a marriage. I'm a female, middle aged, married for many years.
cdm369 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Truth is always the best. I've been cheated on before and I would rather know than not know. Everyone deserves the right to make the decision to stay or go based on the truth. Male....38
oldguy Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 If the guilt doesn't cure you it doesn't matter. "Honesty is the best policy" is a grand catch phrase, like; "do onto others..." & "two wrongs...". I think when you consider each option it brings to bear the full impact of ones choice to cheat; Now do you live with the agony of guilt or lesson your burden by inflicting pain on your love one? George Burns & Grace Allen; "In later years Burns admitted that following an argument over a pricey coffee table Allen wanted, he had a very brief affair with a Las Vegas showgirl. Stricken by guilt, he phoned Jack Benny and told him about the indiscretion. However, Allen overheard the conversation and Burns quietly bought the expensive coffee table. Nothing more was said. Years later he discovered that Allen had told one of her friends about the episode finishing with, "You know, I really wish George would cheat on me again. I could use a new coffee table."
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I'm for the truth............ I'd rather be potentially "crushed" with it than to live a lie, and I also believe others deserve the truth too. Even if divulging the truth "relieves guilt"... that doesn't mean it can't carry heavy consequences and cause other distress, etc. It's not to solely "free yourself"... it's to eventually FREE everyone... and as far as infidelity goes, it's to especially free someone else (...26 female).
candybars21 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I would want to know if I had been cheated on. If I found out later I would feel much more devastated and like a total fool. I think your SO deserves to know, but some people would rather not tell than deal with the consequences, like the guy I cheated with.
ditzchic Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I've been cheated on before and it sucks hard but like everything else that sucks a big fat one, time heals. The biggest incident was hidden from me when it happened (although I had an inkling). I found out for sure years later after I actually met the OW and became pretty good friends with her. We both had no idea the other one existed while it was all going down. One day over drinks his name came up and it all came out. At that point I was long over him though, I didn't care anymore. It stung for about a minute and then I happily got over it. I can handle everything thrown at me. And I'm very forward with men about this in the beginning. If you have something you are afraid to tell me know that lying to me is 5000x a bigger offense than anything you could have done. Respect me enough to let me make my own decisions. A one time bad decision isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me. A lie or manipulation to save your ass is. I'm 29.f by the way.
candybars21 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I've been cheated on before and it sucks hard but like everything else that sucks a big fat one, time heals. The biggest incident was hidden from me when it happened (although I had an inkling). I found out for sure years later after I actually met the OW and became pretty good friends with her. We both had no idea the other one existed while it was all going down. One day over drinks his name came up and it all came out. At that point I was long over him though, I didn't care anymore. It stung for about a minute and then I happily got over it. I can handle everything thrown at me. And I'm very forward with men about this in the beginning. If you have something you are afraid to tell me know that lying to me is 5000x a bigger offense than anything you could have done. Respect me enough to let me make my own decisions. A one time bad decision isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me. A lie or manipulation to save your ass is. I'm 29.f by the way. Yeah, I totally agree! If he lied about it, I'd think "What else is he lying about?"
Beachgirl8 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I think you absolutely should confess. No exceptions. I've never cheated on anyone but I've been cheated on in 2 relationships over the years. The first one confessed when I brought up my suspicions and I was able to leave the relationship with minimal drama. The second one denied, lied, lied some more, made me think I was crazy, dragged it on forever, and wasted a lot of my time. It damaged my self esteem and made things a lot worse overall. If he had told the truth it would have been a lot easier on everyone. I ended up leaving anyway. But for me, cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. For others, it is not and they are willing to stick around and repair the relationship. If you cheat, you have already caused damage. Covering it up or lying about it can't possibly make it better.
nofool4u Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 So, I see a divergent opinion here on confessing that one has cheated. Some people ask if they should tell their SO that they cheated on them, and the responses seem to be either: 1) Yes, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. or 2) No, you are just trying to unburden your own guilt. Suck it up and live with it. So, which do you think is right? IMO #1 is right. #2 is just a cop out when the real reason is the cheater doesn't want to suffer any consequences, or doesn't want to lose their SO. What would you want your SO to do if they cheated on you? Tell me so I could make the decision not to be with someone that would do that to me. Would you rather stay in the ignorant bliss, or hear the painful truth? There is nothing blissful by being with a cheater, whether they know it or not. Because if someone cheats, their heart isn't in the relationship and damage will be done eventually. I want the truth. Nothing sucks worse than finding out years later that you were played for a fool only to break up and realize you wasted too many years of your life on someone when you could have gotten rid of them early on. Those are years you'll never get back. In responding, would you post your general age and gender? (just to get an idea of what someone who is 18 thinks vs someone who is 32, male vs female (or other gender ID) etc.) 42 M
nofool4u Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 No, keep it to yourself. It will ruin your SO forever. First off it will NOT ruin them FOREVER. Second, its not the revealing of the truth that will "ruin" them if it did. Its the cheater themselves that will do that. Blame the person doing the act, not the revealing of the act itself. And usually what happens is, cheater cowardly refrains from coming clean, suffers no consequences, and learns that they got away with it once, they can get away with it again. No consequences, no change. Not that I think cheaters truly change anyway, but for those that do, there is the philosophy.
JohnP82 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I think you should confess. I know that if I was cheated on I would want to know so that I could make the decision as to whether this relationship would continue. 27 m
lululucy Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 If it was a one time thing that would absolutely never happen again, I would rather not be told. If it was more than once, definitely so I could leave. 22/f
oldguy Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Yes, if we've been cheated on most of us think we would want to know. But from the cheaters perspective; what are the true motivations for exposing the truth? Belief it will unburden their conscience? Fear they will be caught? Both of those sound like selfish reasons. But then cheating IS a selfish act.
Severely Unamused Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 But from the cheaters perspective; what are the true motivations for exposing the truth? Belief it will unburden their conscience? Fear they will be caught? On the more idealistic side, maybe the cheater respects their partner's autonomy. Or wishes to openly own their actions so that their partner knows of who they are really dealing with. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm very cynical. Most people will have very selfish motives. To stay on topic, I would prefer honesty from any potential SO. In fact, I prefer honesty from people in general. I don't think that I'm the only one.
ditzchic Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Yes, if we've been cheated on most of us think we would want to know. But from the cheaters perspective; what are the true motivations for exposing the truth? Belief it will unburden their conscience? Fear they will be caught? Both of those sound like selfish reasons. But then cheating IS a selfish act. To me it's a respect thing. I am not going to decide someone's life for them. I trust my SO to make their own big boy decisions and do the right thing. I also trust that they can handle it. Of course I don't want to hurt them but the admission isn't the cause of the pain. The cheating is the cause and I'm the type of person where they would see it all over my face. I'm not good at keeping secrets from those I love. The least I can do is own up to it.
oldguy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 To stay on topic, I would prefer honesty from any potential SO. In fact, I prefer honesty from people in general. I don't think that I'm the only one. Then you would also tell if you cheated...Why, what would your motives be? To me it's a respect thing. I am not going to decide someone's life for them. I trust my SO to make their own big boy decisions and do the right thing. I also trust that they can handle it. Of course I don't want to hurt them but the admission isn't the cause of the pain. The cheating is the cause and I'm the type of person where they would see it all over my face. I'm not good at keeping secrets from those I love. The least I can do is own up to it. Thats all very good except I have a problem with the first line, "to me it's a respect thing". There is someone a cheater isn't respecting. Their SO, the new SO, themselves?
Severely Unamused Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Then you would also tell if you cheated...Why, what would your motives be?Because I try my best to respect my partner's autonomy and openly own my actions. Also, like ditz said, out of respect. Thats all very good except I have a problem with the first line, "to me it's a respect thing". There is someone a cheater isn't respecting. Their SO, the new SO, themselves? I suppose that you could look at it this way...if I took a cookie out of the cookie jar even after my mother told me not to, than I wouldn't have a lot of respect for her wishes at that particular time. But perhaps I have enough overall respect for her to attempt to atone for my selfishness (don't steal your mother's cookies, prick). Part of the atonement process would be to confess to my mother. Here's one reason for being honest that hasn't been touched upon: You foster an environment of openness and honesty with your spouse, simply because it reduces the chances that you will be lied to in return. That's more about self-interest than anything else.
reboot Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 If you won't tell them, you don't love them enough to let them make their life decisions based on the truth. If you won't tell them, you're protecting yourself, not them. And if you care that little about them, what difference does it make if they know or not?
nofool4u Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 On the more idealistic side, maybe the cheater respects their partner's autonomy. A cheater knows nada about respect.
candybars21 Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 A cheater who keeps their partner in the dark doesn't care about their partner or the person they're cheating with, no matter what they say. They only care about themselves.
Randybrandt Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Yes! I suspect my girlfriend might be unfaithful to me. I of course cannot prove anything but she is acting very weird lately.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) Consider this: If you confess...she'll never trust you the same way again. Women claim to want to know the truth but I honestly think sometimes...it's not always best. Morality amongst society says to confess and even within yourself that is the natural thing I would think most people would want to do. However if it was a one time thing, it might be something you want to consider keeping in the closet, because she will never trust you again. But then again, why did you cheat in the first place? that is the real question for you. Not confessing shows a degree of selfishness and disrespect, but as in all things within this world nothing is black and white. Just because you do the right thing doesn't mean you will be rewarded for it. After all there is no reward for being selfish and disrespecting the honor of your relationship and the deed has been done. So as a final verdict, if you know you will not cheat on this woman again and you know you can be faithful and everything else that is great and you really want a future with this woman...I'd advise you out of experience not to tell and say your confessions to a priest or someone else. It is you who will have to live with the guilt in that case, it was your choice. Don't break her heart by telling her if you want to break up with her, let her be without that pain. Edited December 10, 2011 by Ninjainpajamas
nofool4u Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 So as a final verdict, if you know you will not cheat on this woman again They knew they wouldn't/shouldn't cheat on them in the first place, but they did. It is you who will have to live with the guilt in that case, it was your choice. If they can get away with it, cheaters will live with the guilt just fine. Its the getting caught part that really causes them grief. Don't break her heart by telling her if you want to break up with her, let her be without that pain. If he doesn't want to cause this woman any pain, then he needs to let her decide if she wants to find a decent man. He WILL get away with this, and he WILL cheat if he finds the perfect opportunity where he thinks she'll never find out. And will justify it with the same reasons you put forth. "its only a one night stand. what she don't know won't hurt her and I'll never see this woman again"
carhill Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 So, which do you think is right?I don't have strong general feelings one way or another. IMO, each situation is different. What would you want your SO to do if they cheated on you? Would you rather stay in the ignorant bliss, or hear the painful truth?In my case I was openly defiant of our M after my exW abandoned me. In retrospect, with the help of LS and friends, I have strong suspicions that she was engaging in inappropriate relationships long before I publicly had my fill. We're divorced. Would knowing have helped me or our M? I doubt it. If my suspicions were confirmed this moment, I'd have no strong feelings one way or another. I'd probably say 'I'm not surprised' as is often the case for myself in life, as little surprises me. That's one M and one person. In responding, would you post your general age and gender? (just to get an idea of what someone who is 18 thinks vs someone who is 32, male vs female (or other gender ID) etc.)I'm 52, male and was married from 41 to 51.
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