I cheated- don't know how to fix it, or if I should even keep trying.

December 7, 2011

So, I cheated on my significant other. I am 21, and he is 23, and we've been close since I turned 18.

I love him dearly and I want so badly to be with him, but it is just feeling so hopeless.

When I turned 18, I started fooling around with my current SO, and his best friend also took an interest in me. Long story short, his best friend was a sociopath who manipulated and eventually raped me, and I had sex with him for two months, thinking I was the one he wanted. I didn't have sex with my SO until three months after I turned 18, but was going between the two and felt horrid about it. Turns out he was having sex with six other girls and was in a relationship the whole time. My SO and I have no contact with this guy anymore, but that is where the trust issues began.

My SO has depression issues that I didn't recognize, so I internalized them and thought I was doing something wrong all the time. I thought he'd never trust me or forgive me for what I did, and it drug on from June of 2009 until June of 2011, which is when I took a 3-month trip to Europe to see friends before I start a nursing program in university. I was excited about the trip, but my SO felt hurt that I would "leave him behind" and was bitter about the fact that I'd left him and gone so far away.

Little did I know, he decided to make the best of it and worked long hours all summer so he and I could move in together and he would finally ask me to be his girlfriend the day I got home in September. It was supposed to be a grand surprise, but he didn't call me very much at all in the summer, and I was left in the dark. I would cry at night that he wasn't calling me because I missed him so terribly. I began to feel alone and despondent. I sent him naked pictures, which resulted in a few emails back and forth, then nothing. I begged him to call me more, to tell me about his day, but he wouldn't because he thought his life is boring compared to my European adventures.

He started trying to communicate with me more, then his computer died. This was the end of July. I didn't get all of his messages.

I went to visit a friend who had been an exchange student in high school in Belgium, who I'd visited before and never had any sort of feelings for. The first night was fine, we just chatted and caught up, and the second day we were watching movies together and he kissed me.

I said, "no, no, I have a boyfriend! I can't do this." and he stopped. The sexual tension rose out of sight, and we kissed again and my self control flew right out the window.

We had sex three times that night, and went to a museum together the next day, and I even kissed him goodbye. I had an ONS and a one-day fantasy of false closeness with someone. I felt like maybe I could get out of my (what I thought was a) dying relationship that way. I don't know what I thought, but I felt weird.

I got on the train and went back to the Netherlands where I was staying with another guyfriend (who I cuddled with and was too physically close with, which is another thing I feel terrible about (we NEVER had sex, though!!)). I called my SO within about an hour of getting there, and told him the truth. He flipped out!!! (and rightfully so). He told me what he'd been planning for me and I just felt sick. If only I'd had more faith in him, right?

So started the remaining month of me being in Europe, full of fights, my SO begging me to come back (and even willing to pay $800 for my ticket to be changes), me refusing, me bitterly bringing up when he'd screwed around with an ex while he was drunk a year ago, me being angry instead of being understanding of his emotions...

I came home and I have done everything he's asked me the best way I know how. I even went to counseling, alone and with him, read a relationship book, don't talk to that guy I cheated with anymore, talked to his dad, asked lots of advice- I do everything I can think of, and it just overwhelmingly feels like it will never be enough.

My SO is more depressed now, and abysmal, and he loves me more than anything, and I love him very deeply, but I have burned paradise with my actions. I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never be able to repair this. I don't know if I can help him trust me again. I don't know.

What should I do? Should I stay with him and go through all the years it will take to work it out? He already feels like he can't trust me because of the first early-stage infidelity, and now this one-night-stand has just broken everything all over again. Can this survive? I am committed, but he doesn't believe me. He asks things like,

"What if you get that horny again?"

"How do I know if I get depressed again that you won't go do the same thing?"

"How many years will it take for you to do this to me- to us- again?"

"Why should I trust you?"

"Octupos, your initial reaction after this makes things so much worse- how do I know that ugly side of you won't come out again?"

...I couldn't cheat on him again, but why should he trust me given my actions?

Opinions?

December 7, 2011

So, I cheated on my significant other. I am 21, and he is 23, and we've been close since I turned 18.

I love him dearly and I want so badly to be with him

If that were true, you wouldn't have cheated on him.

When I turned 18, I started fooling around with my current SO, and his best friend also took an interest in me. Long story short, his best friend was a sociopath who manipulated and eventually raped me, and I had sex with him for two months

So he rapes you, but then you willingly have sex with him for 2 months?

Ok:confused:

I went to visit a friend who had been an exchange student in high school in Belgium, who I'd visited before and never had any sort of feelings for. The first night was fine, we just chatted and caught up, and the second day we were watching movies together and he kissed me.
I said, "no, no, I have a boyfriend! I can't do this." and he stopped. The sexual tension rose out of sight, and we kissed again and my self control flew right out the window.

Ok then. Right there. End it with your boyfriend. Seeing as you have no self control, you will only cheat again. And it seems you have a habit of finding yourself alone with other guys.

We had sex three times that night

3 time?? but..."I have a boyfriend":o

I got on the train and went back to the Netherlands where I was staying with another guyfriend (who I cuddled with and was too physically close with, which is another thing I feel terrible about (we NEVER had sex, though!!)).

Here we go again, getting close to yet another guy when you "have a boyfriend"

My SO is more depressed now, and abysmal, and he loves me more than anything

He doesn't know what is good for him. He holds on to you illogically and desperately. Of course he is going to be depressed if he stays with you and doesn't give himself a chance to heal and get over someone who obviously can't be trusted.

What should I do? Should I stay with him and go through all the years it will take to work it out? He already feels like he can't trust me because of the first early-stage infidelity, and now this one-night-stand has just broken everything all over again. Can this survive?

No, because you are a serial cheater and this won't be the last time you put yourself in a position to be alone with other guys and let things get out of control.

I am committed, but he doesn't believe me.

Of course he doesn't, your actions prove he can't believe you

He asks things like,
"What if you get that horny again?"
"How do I know if I get depressed again that you won't go do the same thing?"
"How many years will it take for you to do this to me- to us- again?"
"Why should I trust you?"
"Octupos, your initial reaction after this makes things so much worse- how do I know that ugly side of you won't come out again?"

...I couldn't cheat on him again

Sorry, your character indicates you can and you will. Like you said, you got out of control when with the one guy and had sex with him 3 times in a night and spent the next day with him. If it got out of control like you said, then it would have stopped at having sex once, no?

All it takes for you is to be alone with a guy you are attracted to. So unless you are going to become a hermit, you will cheat again.

December 8, 2011

.
Don't feel guilty about it.

Ummm...no, DO feel guilty about it. Let him go and learn from your mistakes. This guy as been faithful to you this entire relationship and you haven't at all. I think that you have some serious reflecting to do and a lot more growing up to do.

Ironic that he was working to build a future with you and all the while you were destroying it.

Best bet, cut him loose. You don't want to hear that but it is what it is. Let him get on with his life and let him find a girl that is going to be faithful and value a relationship. A little harsh? Sorry, but it's nothing compared to what you did to him.

December 8, 2011

As I understand it, you've both cheated on each other during this relationship. And if I'm wrong and you're the only one who has cheated... either way, you're 21 and he's 23. You may care about him, but clearly the relationship is crippled. And your early 20s is too young to commit yourself to a relationship that's already crippled.

Cut the poor bugger loose, let him move on, and move on yourself. You'll both be miserable for awhile, but happier in the long run.

December 8, 2011

Why don't you move on? Do you want to complicate yourself into this drama? You guys aren't married so it's better to break it off and both of you going your separate ways.

Maybe he wasn't even gonna surprise you and is only saying that out of anger after you told him about your cheating. My ex bf used to say that when angered, about how he was gonna suprised me (yeah right.... like I'm gonna believe it).

December 8, 2011

Why don't you move on? Do you want to complicate yourself into this drama? You guys aren't married so it's better to break it off and both of you going your separate ways.

Maybe he wasn't even gonna surprise you and is only saying that out of anger after you told him about your cheating. My ex bf used to say that when angered, about how he was gonna suprised me (yeah right.... like I'm gonna believe it).

And maybe it doesn't matter what he was going to do seeing as she can't control herself around other men.

December 8, 2011

And maybe it doesn't matter what he was going to do seeing as she can't control herself around other men.

If that's the case then it's pointless. It doesn't matter eitherway. If it was true that he was gonna surprise her then guy is wasting time with OP.

If it's not true then both of them are wasting time. I assume they're both in their 20's and it sounds more like ''infatuation stage'' than love.

December 8, 2011

guy is wasting time with OP.

Oh I agree there.

December 26, 2011

So, I cheated on my significant other. I am 21, and he is 23, and we've been close since I turned 18.

I love him dearly and I want so badly to be with him, but it is just feeling so hopeless.

When I turned 18, I started fooling around with my current SO, and his best friend also took an interest in me. Long story short, his best friend was a sociopath who manipulated and eventually raped me, and I had sex with him for two months, thinking I was the one he wanted. I didn't have sex with my SO until three months after I turned 18, but was going between the two and felt horrid about it. Turns out he was having sex with six other girls and was in a relationship the whole time. My SO and I have no contact with this guy anymore, but that is where the trust issues began.

My SO has depression issues that I didn't recognize, so I internalized them and thought I was doing something wrong all the time. I thought he'd never trust me or forgive me for what I did, and it drug on from June of 2009 until June of 2011, which is when I took a 3-month trip to Europe to see friends before I start a nursing program in university. I was excited about the trip, but my SO felt hurt that I would "leave him behind" and was bitter about the fact that I'd left him and gone so far away.

Little did I know, he decided to make the best of it and worked long hours all summer so he and I could move in together and he would finally ask me to be his girlfriend the day I got home in September. It was supposed to be a grand surprise, but he didn't call me very much at all in the summer, and I was left in the dark. I would cry at night that he wasn't calling me because I missed him so terribly. I began to feel alone and despondent. I sent him naked pictures, which resulted in a few emails back and forth, then nothing. I begged him to call me more, to tell me about his day, but he wouldn't because he thought his life is boring compared to my European adventures.

He started trying to communicate with me more, then his computer died. This was the end of July. I didn't get all of his messages.

I went to visit a friend who had been an exchange student in high school in Belgium, who I'd visited before and never had any sort of feelings for. The first night was fine, we just chatted and caught up, and the second day we were watching movies together and he kissed me.
I said, "no, no, I have a boyfriend! I can't do this." and he stopped. The sexual tension rose out of sight, and we kissed again and my self control flew right out the window.

We had sex three times that night, and went to a museum together the next day, and I even kissed him goodbye. I had an ONS and a one-day fantasy of false closeness with someone. I felt like maybe I could get out of my (what I thought was a) dying relationship that way. I don't know what I thought, but I felt weird.

I got on the train and went back to the Netherlands where I was staying with another guyfriend (who I cuddled with and was too physically close with, which is another thing I feel terrible about (we NEVER had sex, though!!)). I called my SO within about an hour of getting there, and told him the truth. He flipped out!!! (and rightfully so). He told me what he'd been planning for me and I just felt sick. If only I'd had more faith in him, right?

So started the remaining month of me being in Europe, full of fights, my SO begging me to come back (and even willing to pay $800 for my ticket to be changes), me refusing, me bitterly bringing up when he'd screwed around with an ex while he was drunk a year ago, me being angry instead of being understanding of his emotions...

I came home and I have done everything he's asked me the best way I know how. I even went to counseling, alone and with him, read a relationship book, don't talk to that guy I cheated with anymore, talked to his dad, asked lots of advice- I do everything I can think of, and it just overwhelmingly feels like it will never be enough.

My SO is more depressed now, and abysmal, and he loves me more than anything, and I love him very deeply, but I have burned paradise with my actions. I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never be able to repair this. I don't know if I can help him trust me again. I don't know.

What should I do? Should I stay with him and go through all the years it will take to work it out? He already feels like he can't trust me because of the first early-stage infidelity, and now this one-night-stand has just broken everything all over again. Can this survive? I am committed, but he doesn't believe me. He asks things like,
"What if you get that horny again?"
"How do I know if I get depressed again that you won't go do the same thing?"
"How many years will it take for you to do this to me- to us- again?"
"Why should I trust you?"
"Octupos, your initial reaction after this makes things so much worse- how do I know that ugly side of you won't come out again?"

...I couldn't cheat on him again, but why should he trust me given my actions?
Opinions?

You love your BF?

Yet you banged 3 OM while dating him.

Then you start another thread about should you tell your BF the truth.

Well you need to learn what a relationship is. So get so IC.

At the same time tell your BF the truth about all of the OM and let him mae the decision based on the truth.

December 26, 2011

So, I cheated on my significant other. I am 21, and he is 23, and we've been close since I turned 18.

I love him dearly and I want so badly to be with him, but it is just feeling so hopeless.

When I turned 18, I started fooling around with my current SO, and his best friend also took an interest in me. Long story short, his best friend was a sociopath who manipulated and eventually raped me, and I had sex with him for two months, thinking I was the one he wanted. I didn't have sex with my SO until three months after I turned 18, but was going between the two and felt horrid about it. Turns out he was having sex with six other girls and was in a relationship the whole time. My SO and I have no contact with this guy anymore, but that is where the trust issues began.

My SO has depression issues that I didn't recognize, so I internalized them and thought I was doing something wrong all the time. I thought he'd never trust me or forgive me for what I did, and it drug on from June of 2009 until June of 2011, which is when I took a 3-month trip to Europe to see friends before I start a nursing program in university. I was excited about the trip, but my SO felt hurt that I would "leave him behind" and was bitter about the fact that I'd left him and gone so far away.

Little did I know, he decided to make the best of it and worked long hours all summer so he and I could move in together and he would finally ask me to be his girlfriend the day I got home in September. It was supposed to be a grand surprise, but he didn't call me very much at all in the summer, and I was left in the dark. I would cry at night that he wasn't calling me because I missed him so terribly. I began to feel alone and despondent. I sent him naked pictures, which resulted in a few emails back and forth, then nothing. I begged him to call me more, to tell me about his day, but he wouldn't because he thought his life is boring compared to my European adventures.

He started trying to communicate with me more, then his computer died. This was the end of July. I didn't get all of his messages.

I went to visit a friend who had been an exchange student in high school in Belgium, who I'd visited before and never had any sort of feelings for. The first night was fine, we just chatted and caught up, and the second day we were watching movies together and he kissed me.
I said, "no, no, I have a boyfriend! I can't do this." and he stopped. The sexual tension rose out of sight, and we kissed again and my self control flew right out the window.

We had sex three times that night, and went to a museum together the next day, and I even kissed him goodbye. I had an ONS and a one-day fantasy of false closeness with someone. I felt like maybe I could get out of my (what I thought was a) dying relationship that way. I don't know what I thought, but I felt weird.

I got on the train and went back to the Netherlands where I was staying with another guyfriend (who I cuddled with and was too physically close with, which is another thing I feel terrible about (we NEVER had sex, though!!)). I called my SO within about an hour of getting there, and told him the truth. He flipped out!!! (and rightfully so). He told me what he'd been planning for me and I just felt sick. If only I'd had more faith in him, right?

So started the remaining month of me being in Europe, full of fights, my SO begging me to come back (and even willing to pay $800 for my ticket to be changes), me refusing, me bitterly bringing up when he'd screwed around with an ex while he was drunk a year ago, me being angry instead of being understanding of his emotions...

I came home and I have done everything he's asked me the best way I know how. I even went to counseling, alone and with him, read a relationship book, don't talk to that guy I cheated with anymore, talked to his dad, asked lots of advice- I do everything I can think of, and it just overwhelmingly feels like it will never be enough.

My SO is more depressed now, and abysmal, and he loves me more than anything, and I love him very deeply, but I have burned paradise with my actions. I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never be able to repair this. I don't know if I can help him trust me again. I don't know.

What should I do? Should I stay with him and go through all the years it will take to work it out? He already feels like he can't trust me because of the first early-stage infidelity, and now this one-night-stand has just broken everything all over again. Can this survive? I am committed, but he doesn't believe me. He asks things like,
"What if you get that horny again?"
"How do I know if I get depressed again that you won't go do the same thing?"
"How many years will it take for you to do this to me- to us- again?"
"Why should I trust you?"
"Octupos, your initial reaction after this makes things so much worse- how do I know that ugly side of you won't come out again?"

...I couldn't cheat on him again, but why should he trust me given my actions?
Opinions?

lol. you're a slut and cheated on your bf multiple times. the relationship is dead as all trust is gone.

December 26, 2011

Btw op you sound mentally retarded. you were raped and then had sex with this guy willingly for 3months? Jesus. you're either dumb as **** or a sociopath.

December 26, 2011

Btw op you sound mentally retarded. you were raped and then had sex with this guy willingly for 3months? Jesus. you're either dumb as **** or a sociopath.

You really sound like a cheated on or someone who got hurt in the past.

I have seen some of your posts that has nothing helpful but only anger. As if that's really gonna solve the issue!!

Lastly, just because someone cheats doesn't mean he/she is a sociopath. A sociopath may be a cheater but not vice-versa.

She deserves all the help on this forum as much as the cheated on do. There should be no preference on a relationship forum. The ones unworthy of advice are trolls or those bragging about cheating (and not expressing any remorse).

December 27, 2011

Hun move on, you cant fix it and you both dont love one another as much as you think you do! Though in retrospect your one anothers first love which makes it harder and more higten and more raw ( so i can undertand that type of love). He is never going to get past this and niether are you, relationships are not suppsoe to be like this. It will be hard, but it is best for both your mental and emotional health that you take time apart from one another.

December 27, 2011

Regardless of what love you feel, this is not a healthy relationship. Before the cheating occurred, there were already the trust issues and issues with communication. Both you and your boyfriend have your own issues to deal with:

You really need some counseling to deal with the consequences of that rape; I suspect you may be acting out sexually as a result of that experience. I don't really understand why you slept with the guy for 2 months after he raped you, unless you were trying to make yourself believe it wasn't rape or that you could somehow take back control by choosing to sleep with that guy. The rape and how it affects your cheating is your problem to work on.

But your boyfriend has problems with depression he needs to address, too. He may have been unhappy that you were in Europe for 3 months, but it was childish of him to stop talking to you during that time. The way he acted, anyone would have reason to believe the relationship was dying or dead. The after-the-fact surprise of working so you could move in together isn't consistent with how he acted during the time -- he could still have communicated better and been happier to talk to you. He was likely depressed again, but that's his issue to fix. Does he just expect you to live with this depression and tolerate his lack of communication every time he gets depressed? Communication is essential to a solid relationship and one person can't do it all by themselves. Aside from your cheating, this is a big red flag for the long-term health of this relationship.

Ultimately, both of you contributed to the present situation, and while you are not absolved of cheating, it was not solely that action of yours that ruined the relationship. There have been serious problems brewing for some time. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you'd both be better off ending the relationship and going your separate ways. You're both young, and if you each work on your issues and learn from these experiences, you can be better partners to other people next time around.

December 27, 2011

You really sound like a cheated on or someone who got hurt in the past.

I have seen some of your posts that has nothing helpful but only anger. As if that's really gonna solve the issue!!

Lastly, just because someone cheats doesn't mean he/she is a sociopath. A sociopath may be a cheater but not vice-versa.

She deserves all the help on this forum as much as the cheated on do. There should be no preference on a relationship forum. The ones unworthy of advice are trolls or those bragging about cheating (and not expressing any remorse).

you're wrong. never been cheated on. never been dumped. been in three relationships and i left all three for other women.

...and she isn't a sociopath because she cheats. she is a sociopath because she claimed some guy raped her and then she slept willingly with him for the next two months. that is simply disturbing and an insult to all real rape victims.

she is a slut because she cheated on her bf multiple times with multiple guys. the only help she needs is the truth and the truth is this relationship is dead.

December 27, 2011

Regardless of what love you feel, this is not a healthy relationship. Before the cheating occurred, there were already the trust issues and issues with communication. Both you and your boyfriend have your own issues to deal with:

You really need some counseling to deal with the consequences of that rape; I suspect you may be acting out sexually as a result of that experience. I don't really understand why you slept with the guy for 2 months after he raped you, unless you were trying to make yourself believe it wasn't rape or that you could somehow take back control by choosing to sleep with that guy. The rape and how it affects your cheating is your problem to work on.

But your boyfriend has problems with depression he needs to address, too. He may have been unhappy that you were in Europe for 3 months, but it was childish of him to stop talking to you during that time. The way he acted, anyone would have reason to believe the relationship was dying or dead. The after-the-fact surprise of working so you could move in together isn't consistent with how he acted during the time -- he could still have communicated better and been happier to talk to you. He was likely depressed again, but that's his issue to fix. Does he just expect you to live with this depression and tolerate his lack of communication every time he gets depressed? Communication is essential to a solid relationship and one person can't do it all by themselves. Aside from your cheating, this is a big red flag for the long-term health of this relationship.

Ultimately, both of you contributed to the present situation, and while you are not absolved of cheating, it was not solely that action of yours that ruined the relationship. There have been serious problems brewing for some time. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you'd both be better off ending the relationship and going your separate ways. You're both young, and if you each work on your issues and learn from these experiences, you can be better partners to other people next time around.

This poster saved me some writing.

I have had a marriage that is characterized by that level of lonliness and isolation. It is very difficult to know which way is up most of the time and the guy seems to hold most of the cards.

Your damned if you do and you are damned if you don't.

If you have done all that you can to show your bf that you are trustworthy and have done everything you can to become trustworthy and he simply won't accept it and continues to hold it over your head then the answer is obvious.

If the relationship means that much to you, perhaps a short separation (3 months or so) to clear your head without his influence will give you space to figure out what exactly you want, what you are willing to do and take and what direction to go in.

It sounds like if you don't take a break things will be done for anyways. As well, you are 21, when you hit around 30, you will see this from a much different perspective.

It takes about 2 years to heal from the grief of being cheated on.

December 27, 2011

you're wrong. never been cheated on. never been dumped. been in three relationships and i left all three for other women.

I never said you were cheated on. I said you sound as if you were. Nothing wrong with leaving BTW, just means you're not ready to commit yet.

...and she isn't a sociopath because she cheats. she is a sociopath because she claimed some guy raped her and then she slept willingly with him for the next two months. that is simply disturbing and an insult to all real rape victims.

It is an insult but only a true psychologist or psychiatrist would classify her as a sociopath. If she truly were then I doubt she would even bother posting here and expressing all her guilt her. Even liars do regret what they do because that doesn't mean they're a sociopaths.

...she is a slut because she cheated on her bf multiple times with multiple guys. the only help she needs is the truth and the truth is this relationship is dead.

Honestly I think the relationship wasn't working way before she cheated. The cheating just made things worst and complicated than they already were. Needless to say I do agree that the relationship is dead.... in fact it was dead before her cheating.

You seem on the quick to label women who cheat. It makes me wonder if you feel that same anger if it were a man cheating with different women.

December 27, 2011

I never said you were cheated on. I said you sound as if you were. Nothing wrong with leaving BTW, just means you're not ready to commit yet.
It is an insult but only a true psychologist or psychiatrist would classify her as a sociopath. If she truly were then I doubt she would even bother posting here and expressing all her guilt her. Even liars do regret what they do because that doesn't mean they're a sociopaths.
Honestly I think the relationship wasn't working way before she cheated. The cheating just made things worst and complicated than they already were. Needless to say I do agree that the relationship is dead.... in fact it was dead before her cheating.

You seem on the quick to label women who cheat. It makes me wonder if you feel that same anger if it were a man cheating with different women.

obviously it wasn't meant as an actual diagnosis, but if she was really raped she wouldn't have kept on sleeping with this guy for two months. she is either lying or just really messed up.

i agree, the relationship was dead before she cheated.

...and yes, women cheating is worse. i have never cheated and i do think it is bad if a man cheats, but not as bad. several reasons for this. two of them are: a) men can cheat for no other reason than variety. they just want something different. women usually cheat for more serious reasons. it is an indication that the relationship doesn't work. b) a man can not keep a cheating woman. he immediately becomes a whipped beta. a woman can stay with a cheating man without losing her self dignity.

December 27, 2011

But your boyfriend has problems with depression he needs to address, too. He may have been unhappy that you were in Europe for 3 months, but it was childish of him to stop talking to you during that time. The way he acted, anyone would have reason to believe the relationship was dying or dead. The after-the-fact surprise of working so you could move in together isn't consistent with how he acted during the time -- he could still have communicated better and been happier to talk to you. He was likely depressed again, but that's his issue to fix. Does he just expect you to live with this depression and tolerate his lack of communication every time he gets depressed? Communication is essential to a solid relationship and one person can't do it all by themselves. Aside from your cheating, this is a big red flag for the long-term health of this relationship.

Ultimately, both of you contributed to the present situation, and while you are not absolved of cheating, it was not solely that action of yours that ruined the relationship.

Bullcrap! OP would cheat on ANY guy... because the cheating ISNT ABOUT HIM.

Yes, some of his actions were immature... the guy was what 22..21 at the time?

Yet OP cheated at the start of the relationship... then developed a dick addiction while on a trip to Europe. WTF!

About his "screwing around" ... that could be anything from kissing to talking... or just a figment of her imagineation to make her feel better. Incase you didn't know cheaters like to claim their victims cheat too. It creates a smokescreen of bull****.

This chick is bad news.

December 27, 2011

Regardless of what love you feel, this is not a healthy relationship. Before the cheating occurred, there were already the trust issues and issues with communication. Both you and your boyfriend have your own issues to deal with:

You really need some counseling to deal with the consequences of that rape; I suspect you may be acting out sexually as a result of that experience. I don't really understand why you slept with the guy for 2 months after he raped you, unless you were trying to make yourself believe it wasn't rape or that you could somehow take back control by choosing to sleep with that guy. The rape and how it affects your cheating is your problem to work on.

But your boyfriend has problems with depression he needs to address, too. He may have been unhappy that you were in Europe for 3 months, but it was childish of him to stop talking to you during that time. The way he acted, anyone would have reason to believe the relationship was dying or dead. The after-the-fact surprise of working so you could move in together isn't consistent with how he acted during the time -- he could still have communicated better and been happier to talk to you. He was likely depressed again, but that's his issue to fix. Does he just expect you to live with this depression and tolerate his lack of communication every time he gets depressed? Communication is essential to a solid relationship and one person can't do it all by themselves. Aside from your cheating, this is a big red flag for the long-term health of this relationship.

Ultimately, both of you contributed to the present situation, and while you are not absolved of cheating, it was not solely that action of yours that ruined the relationship. There have been serious problems brewing for some time. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you'd both be better off ending the relationship and going your separate ways. You're both young, and if you each work on your issues and learn from these experiences, you can be better partners to other people next time around.

lol, you must be a woman.

what is it with women and their refusal to take responsibility for their actions? they always try to rationalize it and make it seem as if their almost innocent pawns in some larger game.

December 27, 2011

...and yes, women cheating is worse. i have never cheated and i do think it is bad if a man cheats, but not as bad. several reasons for this. two of them are: a) men can cheat for no other reason than variety. they just want something different. women usually cheat for more serious reasons. it is an indication that the relationship doesn't work.

Cheating because you "want variety" is far worse then cheating due to a broken relationship. How completely lame to throw a whole relationship/marriage under the bus because you want to try a whole new flavor of vagina. How incredibly irresponsible and disrespectful.

b) a man can not keep a cheating woman. he immediately becomes a whipped beta. a woman can stay with a cheating man without losing her self dignity.

Hah. Few things are more humiliating then having your partner cheat on you. My husband's indiscretions were the most humiliating thing I ever endured and my self-esteem was in the toilet for two years. And yes, my friends thought I was simply "an idiot" for ever trying to work it out. Most lonely experience ever. I truly have no idea why some men get the idea they have it so much worse after an infidelity. What makes them so special?

So in fact, we are supposed to maintain higher standards then our male counterparts and when we fail the consequences are much harsher? This does not seem rational, logical, fair or realistic.

December 27, 2011

life isn't fair. deal with it.

December 27, 2011

lol, you must be a woman.

what is it with women and their refusal to take responsibility for their actions? they always try to rationalize it and make it seem as if their almost innocent pawns in some larger game.

Maybe there are other ways of wording instead other than calling someone stupid.

There is a difference between:

a) You're a stupid and idiotic person for doing this vs

b) Have you thought about the reason that led you to those actions?

BTW guys with double-standards is one of top reason he would get dumped within minutes. I don't like the ''I can do that and you can't'' mentality.

Only reason I would think it's sort ok to cheat is when he/she cheated on you first. Not that I would do it (unless I was hypothetically forced to stay with a cheating man... then I wouldn't be one of those women that does nothing... I would cheat back) but that would be somewhat justified.

Edited December 27, 2011 by samsungxoxo

December 27, 2011

I don't agree it is okay for anybody to cheat man or woman but I recall a poster in here justifying violence against a cheating man but somehow we are supposed to be soft on a woman that cheats.

December 28, 2011

Maybe there are other ways of wording instead other than calling someone stupid.

There is a difference between:
a) You're a stupid and idiotic person for doing this vs
b) Have you thought about the reason that led you to those actions?

BTW guys with double-standards is one of top reason he would get dumped within minutes. I don't like the ''I can do that and you can't'' mentality.

Only reason I would think it's sort ok to cheat is when he/she cheated on you first. Not that I would do it (unless I was hypothetically forced to stay with a cheating man... then I wouldn't be one of those women that does nothing... I would cheat back) but that would be somewhat justified.

i was right, you are a woman.

i was speaking in general. women hardly ever take responsibility for their actions. they rationalize their behavior post hoc. which is just pathetic. the lack of communication from op's bf is in no way any justification for cheating. it was just a long, boring excuse, when in reality she just wanted to try some new cock. why not just be honest about things?

...and i never said it was ok for men to cheat. only that it is worse when women cheat.

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I cheated- don't know how to fix it, or if I should even keep trying.

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