dudesomewhere Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 may or may not be female-centric, so any appropriate info is welcome ok, let's say I know someone and we jumped into things because of phsyical chemistry...then we decide to back off and be friends. Now, taking that into mind and taking into mind I'm the type of person that is very sincere...if I accept friendship, then I accept it purely and start thinking as a friend. Bearing this...I also believe she thinks the same...that we will be "just friends". Now let's say she's the dating type and I'm the once in a blue moon dating type , and that we both work a lot, say she's 30+ and I'm 40+ hours of work a week. Now...knowing I don't date and I'm at home doing bookish things like reading and unexciting things and knowing she's dating and going out to bars and clubs...here's my question or wonderment. Bear in mind that I'm totally ok with our relationship...but as far as friends go, is it ok for me to take into account all that above and call maybe once every week or 2(or even less, much less)? And maybe only try to see her in person maybe once a month at the most? I mean, I'm a good looking bitch and I hate intimidating other guys just by being there...hehe...so if I know she's dating I'll assume she has very little time for a male friend (seriously though, I don't know what it is but I feel bad when I intimidate other guys...I'm harmless). So what do you think ladies? Prior little history between us but we are friends now and she's dating and going out and about...it's ok if I maintain that amount of contact right(once a month, once every 2 mos)? Wouldn't any more seem annoying? I could understand there not being an issue if it's a girl/girl friendship and you'd call all the time but a male/female friendship with a VERY BRIEF past would be appropriate with occassional and almost minimal contact yes? Input needed
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 A friend, whether male or female, should be treated just like any other friend. Do you pick up the phone to call your guy buddies every now and then to check in? When your guy buddies have girlfriends, does it interfere with the amount of time you usually hang out? In situations when you are considering going from bed partners to friends, its important to consider "WHY" you still want to hang onto the friendship. What endearing qualities does your ex-lover have that would make her a better friend than girlfriend? The questions I would ask myself are: Am I lonely and just looking for someone else to hang out with? Do I just consider her "one of the guys?" Am I looking for someone I can talk to and confide in...and will I feel comfortable exchanging all the uncomfortable details about our current relationships and play at making each other jealous? Is it because she's a hottie and I like being seen with her? Is it because I want to remain in her orbit in case later on down the road someone changes their mind and wants hook up again??? (Booty on the back burner) ...Or could it be that I'm still trying to prove what a great catch I am, and what an idiot she was for not seeing it. Example: I mean, I'm a good looking bitch and I hate intimidating other guys just by being there...hehe... Furchrissakes, what's with you guys and all that d*mn male posturing?!
Author dudesomewhere Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 lol... nah, I'm one of those ppl you stumble upon once or so in your life that when things are said, they are meant sincerely. I have no ulterior motives when it comes to friendship...I will never try to do anything to impress someone secretly in hopes they will fall for me "again". I never would think of making anyone jealous by any means. My only thing is, what is considered annoying or ignoring? I just don't want to impose or make it look like I ignore...if you can fathom that fine line. I just want to make sure. Say if we both are sincere as there is a night and day and neither of us want anything more than friendship, now or in the future. Can there ever be such a thing as too little contact? What would be too much contact that it would be annoying? I ask because if ppl work a lot and even if BOTH are dating, wouldn't that leave only the narrowest fields of free time available to friends outside of the immediate circle? Do you think women would ever feel ignored by a male friend if she has numerous friends? If I left out the past thing would there be any difference? btw, I'm not a great catch to anybody because I have no money hehe keep in mind, I'm a loner type and don't party, don't club or bar scene...If I'm not working and not at the gym, I'm at home reading or doing art...yeah I'm a dork <--look self depracation
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 If this is truly a “friendship” the two of you have going (or are trying to get going), then you shouldn’t even be thinking in terms of gender to start with. For example, you ask: I ask because if ppl work a lot and even if BOTH are dating, wouldn't that leave only the narrowest fields of free time available to friends outside of the immediate circle? It doesn’t matter whether your “friend” is male or female. When someone has a busy schedule…or gets involved in a romantic relationship, it will most certainly cut down on some of the free time they have to hang out with their friends. We’ve all had same sex platonic friends at some time in our life who may have felt left out or ignored when we were distracted by our new romantic interests. Do you think women would ever feel ignored by a male friend if she has numerous friends? I can’t speak for all women, but for me, it wouldn’t matter whether that friend who only called once a month was male or female. If they are a friend, then they are a friend…whether we talk once a week or once a year. I think this also depends on the individual person. Some people invest much of their identity and self-worth in their friendships and social circles. Someone like this might feel slighted if they felt a friend was not paying them enough attention. Someone with “numerous” friends may already be too busy to concern themselves just because one of them has forgotten to call. Again, it has nothing to do with the gender of that friend. It has more to do with the individual and how sensitive they are. My only thing is, what is considered annoying or ignoring? I just don't want to impose or make it look like I ignore Only your *friend* can answer that question for you. Your best bet is to just handle this friendship the same way you would handle any other. The fact that you are spending so much time stressing out over “how to handle her” might indicate that you are not as comfortable with the “friendship” idea as you’d like to be. Would I be correct in assuming from your post that it was your “girlfriend” who suggested you end the relationship and just “be friends?” If so, and you have reluctantly agreed to this, than perhaps you should let HER set the pace. If she is serious about wanting to continue seeing you on some level, than she should be the one to make first contact and suggest a time when you guys can get together. But remember, if she happens to be dating other guys, you may find yourself taking a back seat. Don’t allow yourself to become that “fall back” guy that she only calls when she has nothing better to do….or the guy buddy she uses to make her current boyfriend jealous every time they have a fight. It has been my experience that these kinds of friendships usually run their course and eventually dissolve anyway. Either she’ll meet someone else, or you will. One way or another, as with ANY friendship, you’ll both eventually grow apart and go your separate ways. And sometimes, a crash-n-burn is a whole lot easier to deal with than a slow painful death…
Author dudesomewhere Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 bah, it can be simple or complex...on so many different levels. let's call my good friend S and other person X Yeah, I thought about leaving the female/male issue out of it, but wonder if there is truly a difference. See I compare her(S) to this other female(X), who I don't really like because X was looking to cheat on her fiancee with me...I tolerate X because I used to think she was ok...until that infedility crap. Thing is X wanted to be my friend, but in that insincere way and she always wanted my attention constantly, eventhough she constantly tried to seek it from other males. I don't go around trying to make friends because...well I don't. I don't call friends friends just because I talk to them, I call friends people who I wish to share my heart with and my time. People who I'll want to be around and not just be because I happen to be there. See, the thing is, before I knew S...all I wanted from some female was a true friend. Someone to make me forget the ugliness of a past relationship. Someone honest and true to give me hope looking at women positively again. When I came to know S I tested myself quietly looking past the extreme attraction I had for her whether or not I could just be friends with her and I found that I could. S is the only female up to this point I have such admiration for...it just happened our attraction for eachother got in the way...but I let her know before anything happened that I was ok with us just being friends because that was what I valued most...it was too hard to resist her! There were some things between us that were obstacles and I tried letting her know that they may be huge obstacles to her, but they weren't to me. I wished she would have waited...I think the intimacy involved is what makes me worry is all. I knew I could be just her friend, I only hope that is so with her. I guess it might help if you knew more...if you've followed any of my other posts you'll know I talk about bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I never correlated these things with her until she thought one day that she might have it because of how she feels. That compounded with events in her past and the fact that she has cut her self a few times. Some after being raped. Because I care for her truly I went and bought some books on these things and she does fit them, not just by actions but because of those traumas. The thing is, I was the one who tried to convince her that we should be nothing more than friends...this while she thought that we were more than. After a while she's come to my thinking and I'm hoping she's done it of her own thoughts and not because that's what she thinks I want her to say. I wished you'd be able to know me and really understand how genuine I am. People have often expressed befuddlement on my peculiar devoutness to these things. She has been betrayed by her best friend, who she truly believed in and who so happened to be female. She has gone through so much, but there is a side of me that wonders if it is because of the disorders I mention that has made her think so. Yet at the same time real trauma is what causes some of these things. It's because of these things that I don't ever want to be someone who abandons her or makes her think has betrayed her. Taking a back seat is not an issue with me because I truly have no ulterior motive but to be her friend. Someone that she can always count on that will never abandon or betray her. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. I might just do it with more and more time in between. That might work and make me worry less
Samee074 Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Well I am new here and read a couple of your posts and I must say you seem like a one of a kind! Your friend "S" is very lucky to have you! Oh yeah advice...lol Its a very hard situation you have found yourself in. Been there... still there! Only mine got a lil more complicated. I think it is cool that you are willing to accept the just friends thing but I (like I am sure many) can tell you truly have feelings for this girl. And it is not good for yourself to keep them inside . It only makes you torment yourself with the What If's! And the age difference doesn't matter , my dad is 11 years older than my mom and they have been married 31 years . So don't let that be an issue. Just let yourself feel what you truly feel. Wishing you the best of luck!!
jnglebuty Posted August 22, 2004 Posted August 22, 2004 I think your proposed time schedule is good. You sound like a good friend. I hope all goes well.
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