Slow down physical, speed up emotional?

[makelemonade1974]

I've got what I think is a real connection with a guy I've been out with about 5 times. We met right before I went on vacation last summer, and had a great time. Thing is, I was out of the country for about a month and had several work deadlines when I returned, so I didn't contact him again until about a month ago. Since then, we've been going out regularly every week, and have had sex on the last 3 dates. I regret that things have become physical so soon, because I don't feel like we truly know each other yet, although I don't think he's using me for sex or anything. He's a single Dad with shared custody (I'm in a similar situation), the same age as myself, and I've met his child, his sister, and a lot of his friends (we went out with his friends on two of our dates). He's fun, seems interested, etc.

 

Here's the problem. Sex makes women emotionally attached - or at least it does in my case. I would like to see him more than once a week. Thing is - I don't want to be initiating texts, phone calls, etc. because I don't want to come on too strong. But I seriously only hear from him once a week when he makes plans to get together. No "I'm thinking of you" texts during the week or anything. I texted him twice since our Friday night date and both times he responded - once Sat afternoon to thank him for the date (and I may have included some phrases like "you're the sweetest guy in the world" which were probably too intense) - he responded, but with a little joke. I then sent a "text kiss" and he didn't respond AT ALL - no thank you, nothing. Then last night I texted and asked him to tell his sister good luck on a big college exam she's taking (she lives with him). And his response was also very matter-of-fact - no "I want to see you soon" or anything.

 

Is he just not that into me? He has told me before that he "wasn't a texter," but seriously? I don't want to push him - and I may have already messed it up by getting too drunk Friday night (not like he wasn't) or being too mushy affectionate in my text Sat afternoon. I understand that once a week is a decent pace to see someone, it's just that the physical thing has moved so quickly. Is he just being cautious? Should I write him off? I'm certainly NOT calling or texting him again. I think it's his turn.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I wouldn't worry too much just yet. He's always responded to your texts (except for that one kiss one, but he may have just thought it was something he didn't need to respond to -- sounds crazy but I had a girl tell me that about a text I sent her one time). I do agree that it's his turn to make contact. He may be trying to cool things a bit as well and so he's playing it cool. It can be fine line for a guy: be aggressive, but not overeager, be interested, but not needy, be attentive, but not clingy, and etc.

 

I'd just let things ride and if there's a couple more missed texts and that sort of thing, then I think maybe it might to do to bring up it or (if that doesn't seem appropriate) begin to distance yourself.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Is this a pattern for you?

 

I'm not saying that he is "using you for sex," but he is probably perfectly happy with things the way they are and has zero incentive to increase contact or time spent with you.

 

I am not saying to "use" sex or the withholding of sex as an incentive. But the title of your thread says it all. Only in this case, it's probably too late. Next time, if you want to build an emotional connection, try to get somewhere with that prior to having sex.

 

For the record, I know that lots of couples start out having sex right away, and I don't think it's wrong to have sex right away. But you and this guy appear to have established the style and terms of your relationship already.

[makelemonade1974]

@Yeah yeah - thanks for your response. I appreciate it. I do think I'll take your advice and let it ride for a bit. It's a tough situation because I know I tend to be needy in relationships and I'm working on curbing that and respecting a man's space, etc. At the same time, I need a guy who is a bit more attentive than this one seems to be. I think twice a week is more conducive to forming an emotional bond, that's why I was hoping I would hear from him more often. I don't mind going slowly, but it's hard to go slowly after the deed has been done.

 

He's a good man, but he may not be the right one. I'm already starting to distance myself emotionally a bit, so their aren't too many expectations on my part.

 

It's hard to know what men are thinking sometimes. It's either 1) he's busy and has a life (which I can understand - and that means I need to get over myself lol); 2) he's thinking of me but afraid to come on too strong (and still feeling me out); or 3) he's just really not that interested.

[Saxis]

Did you both define and communicate exactly what you were looking for before getting physical? That goes a long ways in determining what to expect from each other! If not, you can only blame yourself...

[makelemonade1974]

Did you both define and communicate exactly what you were looking for before getting physical? That goes a long ways in determining what to expect from each other! If not, you can only blame yourself...

 

We did to an extent on our first date - he knows I'm looking for a regular lover and I know he's looking for a relationship. I said "regular lover" because I'm not sure I'm ready for huge commitments like marriage or living together, but I think he understands that, from what he's said. I think it's important to get that out in the open right off the bat, so yes, I think we know the expectations. That said, I don't think that necessarily means he's interested. If he's not, and I've said something to make him wary of getting to know me better, then I don't consider him relationship material anyway. People are complicated, and it takes a while to figure out their complexities.

 

Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be blaming myself for . . .

[Saxis]

Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be blaming myself for . . .

 

Absolutely nothing if you know what each other is looking for.

 

 

We did to an extent on our first date - he knows I'm looking for a regular lover and I know he's looking for a relationship. I said "regular lover" because I'm not sure I'm ready for huge commitments like marriage or living together, but I think he understands that, from what he's said. I think it's important to get that out in the open right off the bat, so yes, I think we know the expectations. That said, I don't think that necessarily means he's interested. If he's not, and I've said something to make him wary of getting to know me better, then I don't consider him relationship material anyway. People are complicated, and it takes a while to figure out their complexities.

 

That's kinda confusing... So are you both on the same page then, with him wanting a "relationship" and you wanting a "regular lover"? I would probably mistake "regular lover" as just regular weekly sex, or pretty much exactly what you guys have right now. From your description of the way things are working, is it possible that he's kinda putting you in a holding pattern of weekly sex until something more "serious relationship minded" comes along...?

[makelemonade1974]

Interesting theory. When I hear from him, maybe I'll just tell him how I feel about things? Or do you think it's too soon?

 

Something along the lines of - I would like to see a little more of you and I feel like what we have is based on sex because things got physical so quickly and I would like more of a friendship / emotional connection.

 

"Lover," to me, implies both romance and sex. When you say to a man "hello lover," it's a term of endearment. There may be some confusion there.

 

Thanks for the insight Saxis.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Once a week sex sounds like a "regular lover" to me ...

[makelemonade1974]

A bit negative aren't you? I'm sorry you're so unhappy. Here - have a hug ((hugs))

 

Any better?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Are you talking to me? Why are you being sarcastic?

 

Why is it "negative" for me to say that once a week sex is a regular lover, in my opinion? Truly, when two people go on a date and define what they are looking for, and one says "a relationship," and the other says "a regular lover," that places them very far apart with regards to their intentions with one another.

 

You clearly told him that's what you wanted, he is delivering, and I am sure he is fine with it. Why wouldn't he be? I bet he thinks you are fine with it.

 

You didn't answer my question about whether this is a pattern for you - getting sexual and then wanting more than what's being offered. I think I recall that from some of your past posts, but I might be mixing you up with somebody else ...

 

If it is, you might want to try a different approach next time.

 

But I do hope that he decides he wants more out of his connection with you than what is happening now, since that's what you want.

[OliveOyl]

How would you feel about asking him for a mid-week date, to set the precedent for more than the once-a-week frequency?

[makelemonade1974]

@Olive - I decided on your approach and texted last night to see if he wanted to get together. He said yes, but he had a basketball game to go to, so could I swing by around 10? I'm thinking "booty call" and got a little irritated. Was having dinner and drinks with some friends and decided to go over there after and clear the air and leave.

 

Well, was having fun with friends so when 10 rolled around I just called and said "This invitation reeks of a booty call and I don't want this to be based on sex. I want to date you, not be your booty call. He said he understood but couldn't talk about it right then, could he call back in 15?" I heard his sister talking in the background (she lives with him) so I agreed.

 

About 20 minutes later I left to go home and texted that I was leaving. He called and said "are we being holiday emotional?" I said, "no, women have emotions. Do you?" and he said "Yes." He asked me again to come over. I said I would but texted "last time."

 

Said very little when I was there and made a speedy exit after without a word - he stopped me and hugged me several times. And the sex was different - looked in my eyes the whole time. Seemed perplexed that I left quickly.

 

Don't know what to think. I guess I just wait to hear from him? Give him a week and then call? Thing is, I think he really likes me - he really seems to. He just doesn't seem to be able to use the phone much.

 

It wasn't an ultimatum really - I wasn't too heavy about it. Told him I like him. That I just didn't want it to be only physical. So I guess I've cleared the air. Hopefully I can stay away now and let the poor guy make a move.

 

Are some men just not communicators? Afraid of rejection? Maybe he thought once a week was a reasonable time to see me in the beginning of the dating period - and I'm not sure I disagree. Everything EXCEPT the calling part suggests he's really into me - mind AND body. Is it just a hard and fast rule that if they don't call more than once a week they are using you for sex? Maybe he just has a hard time communicating emotions or just communicating period?

[OliveOyl]

I think it's very cool you took the initiative. However, if you were calling him asking him last minute if he wanted to get together (and you yourself had dinner plans with friends) then it would naturally be interpreted as a booty call, not a date, right? Usually dates are set up at least a day in advance and a least have a token activity. So I'm not sure why you're projecting all this on him... when you did go ahead and have sex anyway with him ... and left quickly! That sounds like booty call behavior to me...

 

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that or booty calls in general but if you want a dating relationship, then set it up as a dating relationship.

 

As far as the actual question you're asking... I think for men, especially single Dads, sometimes once they've lined up something that works for them they'll keep it at that level (e.g. once a week dating) because it's comfortable. Not that he's using you, but the schedule works for him. A lot of guys seem to get into very consistent routines. My BF is definitely like that. It doesn't mean that more won't develop, it just may not develop as quickly as you would like.

[Quiet Storm]

I think maybe you are confusing him. You told him you wanted a regular lover. I think most men would think this means you don't want a relationship, just sex.

 

He has a once a week sex thing going on here, which is what you SAID you wanted (from his point of view anyways).

 

So then you call mid week and ask to get together. In his mind he is probably thinking "she wants more sex" and he is happy to deliver and invites you over. But then you jump on him for treating you like a booty call when you put yourself in that position.

 

So then, after you complain about being a booty call, you go there, hardly say anything and have sex with him. Sounds like a booty call to me!

 

So if I was this guy, I'd be thinking that you were playing games or that you have no clue what you really want.

 

It sounds like he thinks you're kind of flakey, but is taking advantage of the sex you are offering up.

 

I would have a talk him and be straight with him. Tell him that you want him to be MORE than your regular lover, and ask him if he is still interested in a relationship with you.

 

Your actions should match your words.

 

If say you don't want to be a booty call, don't be one. Don't say it's your last time going over there if you don't really mean it. Men will view that as "testing him" or "playing games" and it will cause him not to trust you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you tell a guy you're looking for a regular lover, then he's going to take that as you're looking for someone to sleep with and have a pseudo committed relationship but without all the strings attached.

 

However just because a guy says he's looking for a relationship, doesn't mean he is..in fact a lot of guys try and say what they think a woman wants to hear...basically they'd rather get laid than not because they said something "stupid" which prevented that.

 

I think he made some sincere moves, he introduced you to his child and family, at least for me that's no small thing but I guess it depends on the person because I've met a lot of women who just casually wanted me to meet their family and friends and I did but with skepticism and hesitation.

 

I think he's into you, but not sure to what extent. I'm also not a big text and phone guy, so I would probably give off the same vibe even If I was really into someone...I'd much rather spend time and a lot of it with that person but for me thoughtful texts and calls isn't a priority and I've been told that before so I know to be aware of that.

 

I think it's good you approached him on this, but you already had sex so the dynamic and power you have with your words isn't as powerful since he's already seeing red once you are in his targets for sex. Guys tend to listen a little less when they're thinking about your vagina.

 

I would talk to him in a therefore non-sexual environment and discuss what is really important to you...at some point you have to be adults and speak plainly and communicate how you feel, if he insists on being evasive and doesn't respect your feelings to your needs then I would reconsider what this guys potential may be as communication is a huge deal...at least to me, can definitely be a deal-breaker.

[Imajerk17]

Well, a few comments, and you're not going to like them!

 

(1) If you want to be his girlfriend, then why did you go over, have sex, and then just leave? Even "last time" is one time too many.

 

(2) Guys dig girls who can go with the flow, and then we are the ones wondering what is up with you. I don't think you did anything "really wrong" that would get him to run, but chill.

[Imajerk17]

Wait. You said he introduced you to his child{ren}. It strikes me as a bit soon on his part. Boundaries...

[daphne]

I really agreed with quiet on the actions need to match the words. I think you are sending mixed signals. Regardless, if a guy really likes you, he's not necessarily going to take to heart an initial passing statement about a regular lover. I don't think that was as definitive as "I'm not looking for anything serious right now."

 

I think you did something common and a bit counterproductive. You slept with him too soon. You had high expectations of more communication from him. And you voiced it to him with poor timing, and in an emotional way. I think the better part of valor would have been to get to know him. Assert the things you like while getting to know him and communicate them. DOn't pressure and see how he responds. I'm not sure it's too late to do this, but it's possible since it's early on that you set the ground rules.

 

It's hard for anyone, male or female, to know how to respond to the way you acted. It feels like the anger is coming from left field and he probably doesn't fully understand why you're upset or disappointed with him. Consider how you'd feel in his shoes.

 

There's nothing wrong with maintaining a little distance and backing up. I wouldn't suggest going over late at night for sex again though. See if something can happen organically through dating.

 

Good luck.

[makelemonade1974]

Thank you so much!! You've all been tremendously helpful here - this is such great feedback. I'm not a very good dater and I feel like I'm in a pretty sticky situation at this point.

 

For the record just so the story's clear and ya'll know what's going on:

- My dinner plans with my friends were sort of last minute. I didn't have plans when I initially called and asked him to hang out.

 

-I wasn't confrontational in any way - I don't really feel like I gave him "an ultimatum" verbally (although the "last time" text was utterly stupid). He seemed quite laid back about the whole thing. I do think I got things out in the open.

 

I agree that going over there and sleeping with him was a stupid idea. I'd had some cocktails and was sort of sad because I felt like I was going to have to cut him loose because I wasn't getting the answer I wanted. I really like him - he's a sweetheart. But then again, I pretty much backed him into a corner on the telephone so I'm not sure what sort of answer, other than a declaration of undying love would have satisfied me. I think I really believed, at the time, that it was "goodbye sex." And it was lovely goodbye sex if that's what it was.

 

I acted weird, some of it due to alcohol, but I don't think I burned any bridges. Any ideas of how to proceed at this point? Do you think I should wait it out and let him come to me? What if my "last time" text was interpreted as "last time I ever want to see you?" Should I apologize? Was I rude?

 

Bleh, I'm so bad at this stuff. Thanks SO much for all the advice. I know I've made some mistakes here. Just not sure how to fix things - or if there's even hope for the situation.

[Imajerk17]

Thank you so much!! You've all been tremendously helpful here - this is such great feedback. I'm not a very good dater and I feel like I'm in a pretty sticky situation at this point.

 

For the record just so the story's clear and ya'll know what's going on:

- My dinner plans with my friends were sort of last minute. I didn't have plans when I initially called and asked him to hang out.

 

-I wasn't confrontational in any way - I don't really feel like I gave him "an ultimatum" verbally (although the "last time" text was utterly stupid). He seemed quite laid back about the whole thing. I do think I got things out in the open.

 

I agree that going over there and sleeping with him was a stupid idea. I'd had some cocktails and was sort of sad because I felt like I was going to have to cut him loose because I wasn't getting the answer I wanted. I really like him - he's a sweetheart. But then again, I pretty much backed him into a corner on the telephone so I'm not sure what sort of answer, other than a declaration of undying love would have satisfied me. I think I really believed, at the time, that it was "goodbye sex." And it was lovely goodbye sex if that's what it was.

 

I acted weird, some of it due to alcohol, but I don't think I burned any bridges. Any ideas of how to proceed at this point? Do you think I should wait it out and let him come to me? What if my "last time" text was interpreted as "last time I ever want to see you?" Should I apologize? Was I rude?

 

Bleh, I'm so bad at this stuff. Thanks SO much for all the advice. I know I've made some mistakes here. Just not sure how to fix things - or if there's even hope for the situation.

 

Wait. There's nothing you need to do now.

 

The right guy will get the fact that you aren't perfect (as no one is perfect) as, if you are the right person for someone, you will put up with their flaws.

 

The thing I thought was counterproductive was acting like a booty call. The "last time" text never even occurred to me as being a bad text to send--sounded to me that you were saying that this would be the last time you were going to come over. Which would be fine except you would have been better off not coming over as a booty call even once.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Imajerk17

[mitchell]

Take a step back and put yourself in his shoes. From his perspective, you must come across as some sort of horny loon. You told him you are looking for a lover not a relationship. He's happy to oblige by having sex with you. Why not? But now you come up with some crazy statements about emotions and "last time" only to show up at his door and again have sex with him.

 

My guess he sees you as an easy lay and will continue to pleasure himself with your body as long as you allow him or until you become too annoying and confusing. Are you at least getting your own sexual needs met with this arrangement? I hope he at least makes sure you have a few orgasms of your own.

[makelemonade1974]

@MikeD - thanks for pointing that out. I am indeed up for a bit of heartbreak if this one doesn't work out.

 

@Imajerk - You are so right. If he doesn't accept me for who I am, then it's not worth pursuing anyway. And I'm a pretty nice package altogether - the man would be lucky to have me.

 

@Mitchell - lmmfao - I've never been described as a "horny loon" - that's fabulous. I am indeed enjoying the sex.

 

I really don't think it's all about sex - it's hard to explain and I don't want to reveal too much here, but I'm rather confident he wants a relationship - whether or not I screwed it up with my mixed signals the other night remains to be seen. Somehow I doubt it. He's becoming a bit predictable with his weekly calls.

 

Nothing wrong with a little space - it's a lesson I need to learn I think.

 

Lol - horny loon. Fabulous.

[snug.bunny]

@Olive - I decided on your approach and texted last night to see if he wanted to get together. He said yes, but he had a basketball game to go to, so could I swing by around 10? I'm thinking "booty call" and got a little irritated. Was having dinner and drinks with some friends and decided to go over there after and clear the air and leave.

 

Well, was having fun with friends so when 10 rolled around I just called and said "This invitation reeks of a booty call and I don't want this to be based on sex. I want to date you, not be your booty call. He said he understood but couldn't talk about it right then, could he call back in 15?" I heard his sister talking in the background (she lives with him) so I agreed.

 

About 20 minutes later I left to go home and texted that I was leaving. He called and said "are we being holiday emotional?" I said, "no, women have emotions. Do you?" and he said "Yes." He asked me again to come over. I said I would but texted "last time."

 

Said very little when I was there and made a speedy exit after without a word - he stopped me and hugged me several times. And the sex was different - looked in my eyes the whole time. Seemed perplexed that I left quickly.

 

Don't know what to think. I guess I just wait to hear from him? Give him a week and then call? Thing is, I think he really likes me - he really seems to. He just doesn't seem to be able to use the phone much.

 

It wasn't an ultimatum really - I wasn't too heavy about it. Told him I like him. That I just didn't want it to be only physical. So I guess I've cleared the air. Hopefully I can stay away now and let the poor guy make a move.

 

Are some men just not communicators? Afraid of rejection? Maybe he thought once a week was a reasonable time to see me in the beginning of the dating period - and I'm not sure I disagree. Everything EXCEPT the calling part suggests he's really into me - mind AND body. Is it just a hard and fast rule that if they don't call more than once a week they are using you for sex? Maybe he just has a hard time communicating emotions or just communicating period?

 

Everything you described in this post, is indicative of "booty call" behavior, on YOUR part. And you did it, AFTER telling him, you're not interested in a "booty call". I can totally see how that would come across as confusing behavior on your part. I don't think you intentionally acted that way as to confuse him, I think maybe you're just a bit confused yourself and the one phone call per week, amplified it.

 

I chuckled when I read his response to you ""are we being holiday emotional?" Oh goodness, we women have been in those exact shoes, as you just were. :laugh:

[GildedLily]

He doesn't seem that interested (to me) I'm sorry! It's just that a guy doesn't need to be texted a certain way or be told that you want to see him more. When a guy likes a girl, he is always trying to be near her; or find excuses to take her out on sweet little dates just to make her happy. You don't have to tell him you want a relationship etc.. because he'll behave in a way that tells you he thinks you're special and he wants one too. I recommend reading through http://baggagereclaim.com Your posting suggests (you think) you don't deserve for a man to want to see you more than once a week, a man you are sharing your BODY with.