lochnessmonster Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 OK. I'm getting a divorce. We will call my husband Tony. We have been together 7 years and married for a year, but we just have too many problems and were becoming increasingly distant. I got depressed. Started taking depression medication. Started drinking heavily, to the point I was being irrational and not caring about my job and responsibilities. I quit my job. Went into a deep depression and slept all the time. A job I was supposed to get fell through, and Tony's raise at work fell through. Our lease went up at our apartment and we couldn't make it on our own anymore. SOOOOO, we did the most terrible thing ever. We moved in with my parents. He was still working, but I wasn't. We started hanging out with some old friends, whom we will call Alex and Dallas. They drink and smoke a lot. I started doing both heavily. Just going over to their house to get away even though my husband was over there too. Reconnected with a guy I kind of knew in school named Alex. He was someone I always liked, and the feeling was mutual. During this time, my sister we shall call Lee had been telling me her problems too. She said she had multiple partners even though she was married. She is a swinger. It occurred to me that maybe I should do the same thing. I talked to Tony about it, and he seemed to agree. We talked briefly on the ground rules and who all we liked. But the only person I had eyes for was Alex. I started texting Alex and talking to him when I went to his and Dallas' house. We had a lot in common. We flirted many times, but it was never anything serious. One day we texted for hours and hours, and I spilled out that Tony and I were looking around for partners. Alex and I figured out we wanted each other and agreed to think about doing something. As the days progressed, Alex and I started talking about my failing marriage and depression. I revealed to him I wanted a divorce. More texting ensued, and we quickly realized we wanted each other for ourselves. Alex said he wanted a relationship with me once I got a divorce, but to leave him out of the equation because it would only cause unnecessary drama. I agreed. We secretly met in his room one night after everyone left his house. We made love, and it was sweet and we shook from excitement. Afterward Alex held me in his arms and told me I smelled wonderful. That he could really get used to holding me every night and falling asleep next to me. I left before anyone saw me. We became obsessed with one another. Texting to the point it was becoming obvious to others that something was going on. His birthday was coming up, so we decided to go camping with some friends. Including Tony. Alex and I flirted all weekend, and at night he slept in the same bed as Tony and I. The first night Alex just stroked my hair and held my hand. We just looked at each other and whispered to each other. The second night was where things started to go wrong. I started drinking my problems away, and Alex knew I was upset because I wanted to be with him and not Tony. I drank so much I blacked out. All I remember doing is going to sleep next to Alex, waking up to making love with Alex right next to my husband, and telling Alex over and over how beautiful he was. The next day everyone went home, and Alex and I were full blown addicted to one another. He would text me he couldn't stop thinking about me. That he really needed me. I told him I needed to see a therapist about getting divorced, my depression, drinking habits, and to clear my head about pursuing a relationship with Alex. He agreed to wait however long it took. I started seeing a counselor, and I finally got up enough courage to tell Tony I wanted a divorce. I told him we had too many problems, I was too depressed, and I had been sleeping with Alex. He told me he had slept with another woman a few years back too. We agreed to separate for 3 months, then talk about divorce since it's expensive. He asked if I would continue to see Alex and I told Tony yes. I went to Alex's house the day Tony packed his things and left. I drank too much and blacked out again. I remember sleeping with Alex vaguely. There was a window of time from about midnight until I woke up in Alex's bed at 8:30 am that I couldn't remember. I did the walk of shame and someone saw. The secret was out. Alex said he didn't care what people saw or thought anymore now that it was in the open. I stayed at Alex's house for 3 days. On the third day, Alex lit his room with candlelight and we started making love. And that's when hell broke loose. Tony kicked in the door on Alex and I making love. And he was furious. Alex's roommate Dallas had told Tony I was doing things behind his back. We had a huge fight outside, and there were about 10 people Tony had brought to witness it. I slept in the bed with Alex that night, but we didn't make love. Alex and I continued to see each other out in the open for a week, but the stress of everyone against us got to him and he said he needed space because everyone talking about it and bringing it up was driving him crazy. The day after Thanksgiving Alex texted me saying he got into a family argument at his grandparent's house, drank too much, and wrecked his truck. He said he needed some space to think about things. In the meantime, Tony and I talked about divorce. He told me he had decided not to help me get a divorce, not to pay for it, and not to help with paperwork. I got really upset and drove to Alex's house to collect some alcohol I had. I ran in, grabbed it, and ran out. I went to a friend's house and drank way too much. I started screaming and crying in my sleep and my friends had to keep waking me up. I drove drunk to Alex's house 45 minutes away, but everyone was already asleep. I had to drive home drunk. The next day I tried to apologize to everyone, but no responses. I broke down and told Tony what had happened. He said he needed to talk to Alex man to man to get me some help. He said even though he didn't want to, he would go to Alex to straighten things out. The next day Tony made me go talk to Alex. Alex was furious. He accused me of lying to him, told me he was sick of hearing about it, needed some space, was going crazy because I was going crazy. He said he would still try to help me and be my friend, but he didn't want a relationship with me. He told me he didn't want to hear what I had to say and asked me to leave. I told him I had fell in love with him too quickly but I didn't regret our time together and walked out the door. When I got in my car Alex was standing at the door looking at me. He closed it, so i put it in park and walked back in and asked if there was something he had to say. He said he thought he heard someone else pulling up so he went to go check :/ . I went to one of my friend's house and sat on her couch for 2 days. Just thinking about everything I had done. Why everyone was mad and what I had done to them. I had stopped drinking for about a week and I vowed not to drink again for awhile. I talked to my friends and straightened everything out. I talked to Tony and straightened things out. But I still had not talked to Alex. I went to Alex's house to talk to Dallas, but by chance he wasn't there. Only Alex. I kept upbeat about things. Didn't bring anything up. Chit-chatted. Left on a good note. A few days later, which happens to be yesterday, I got a present in the mail i had ordered for Alex for Christmas about a month ago. I asked if it would be ok to bring it by since i couldn't return it. No biggie. He said ok. I went to his house yesterday and we small talked and laughed for over an hour. Just enjoying each other's company. He told me he had something to tell me. That he had been talking to an ex of his for the last several days. He said he was the happiest he had ever been when he was with her. He said the relationship ended a year ago and he had only been with her 4 months. He told me he was going to talk to her in a few days to catch up, because she is moving far away. He said he still has feelings for her and still loves her because she is his first love. He said he has been keeping everyone at a distance since her because he is still hung up on her. I asked if he was going to tell her about me and he said no. I laughed and said that the most unhappiest times he had spent with me. He told me not to compare myself with anyone. That it wasn't fair. He said he knows that Tony and I still have feelings for each other, just like he and his ex. That he wasn't going to pursue a relationship with anyone for awhile to clear his head. He said I needed to be free for awhile like him. Go out and live my life with no strings attached. He said he wanted to go somewhere for a year. Just being himself with no attachments. He said it was ok to sleep at his house, just not in his room. He told me if I wanted I could take a nap beside him. I went in his room and we ended up making love. I stayed and slept in his room last night anyway. Alex said it wasn't a concern if I was seen with him anymore. He got several texts this morning that I know are probably from his ex. I honestly don't know what to think or how to proceed from this point anymore........ Any thoughts?
Heart On Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Alex said he wanted a relationship with me once I got a divorce, but to leave him out of the equation because it would only cause unnecessary drama. I agreed. Too bad the two of you didn't stick with this sentiment! One minute you want a divorce,the next you want to swing and the next you are off having an affair.Wow.Talk about lost. As for the rest,every action has a consequence and you certainly are paying big time now. I suggest that you get into therapy ASAP.Go to AA.End one thing before you start another one.And let him go deal with his issues while you deal with yours.They were bad enough before you got involved with him to avoid dealing with your marital problems! Do you always "use" alcohol and/or men to distract yourself from reality? It also seems that karma was instant in terms of you getting the short end of this stick considering how you handled your marriage by cheating. Now he's off and running back into his x's arms and your marriage is in shambles.Your drinking is off the charts and you need help with that! I had to drive home drunk. Ummm..no you didn't and everytime you do that,you put not only yourself at risk,but other innocent people on the road! What a mess you have made of your life.It seems high time you work on yourself and not involve others in it for awhile. What does your husband want you to do now? Stay or leave?
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