I'm having a difficult time seeing how to reconcile this marriage

[maybealone]

I have read a lot of threads here since finding this site, and there is a lot of good advice and understanding here. So I thought I would post my story and see if any of you want to offer any guidance, thoughts, advice -- anything.

 

My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 16, and completely sexless for the last 4 (his choice, not mine). No kids. I have often thought that our relationship is less like a marriage and more like me being a single mother of a teenage boy -- it has often been a struggle to get him to do anything fun with me or to help out (both with the home/cars and financially), and he can be quite petulant if not doing what he wants to be doing.

 

I let these problems go longer than I should have, and I do shoulder the blame for that. I know guys generally don't like to talk about relationships or want to rock the boat, and I resisted confronting him about his unemployment/underemployment and the lack of sex because I didn't want to seem like I was attacking his manhood. (I suspect there are medical issues involved in the sex thing, which is one reason I haven't suspected an affair, but he won't go to a doctor.)

 

I finally reached a point earlier this year where I had had it and realized that I had nothing to lose if I left. I felt alone and I just didn't love him anymore. But logically, I know it is possible for people to fall back in love so I wanted to give the relationship every chance I could. Mainly, I don't want to have any regrets over not trying.

 

But the problem now is that I am always the one that has to bring up the issues (which I have been doing off and on for the last six months). He admits there are issues, but that it's not as bad from his point of view. His latest thought is that since I am the one that's unhappy, I need to figure out what needs to change and tell him what needs to be done. I sort of see his point, and I would never expect him to read my mind, but I am having trouble seeing how that will fix things. For example, I have asked for physical closeness, like sitting on the couch with me if we watch TV. He hasn't yet, but even if he does, how much will it mean to me if I know it's not something he wants to do?

 

I have asked for MC a few times. He has said no, but in the most recent discussion said he would go along with it if I really, truly felt it would work. Again, I have trouble seeing how making him do something he doesn't want to do will help.

 

He did finally get a good job, but now he travels a lot for work, so we don't see each other all the time. He thinks that I should quit my job and travel with him so that we have time to work on our problems. I can see that point, but (and I hate to say this) I don't trust him enough to want to fix things for me to give up the job I would need to support myself if we divorced.

 

I did do IC earlier this year and might go back. Also, I don't think the issue is that I have grass-is-always-greener syndrome. I think I could get to the point where I could date (and have sex!!) again, but I don't really see myself remarrying or anything like that. I just think I am at the point where I'd rather feel completely alone while I am actually alone than feel completely alone while I am supposedly married.

 

Basically, I have no idea what to do next. Maybe someone here will see something I don't see?