betterdor Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 My girlfriend just told me that she is a bisexual. I've been away for 6 months, and we've actually been kind of on/off during this time; but I came back and the same sparks started flying. After a few days, she admitted to me that she developed a crush on colleague (female) about a month ago, and that she now is a bisexual. She is very in touch with herself and seems to be very sure of this. She wants to stay with me, and is willing to be in a monogamous relationship - but I feel that now I'd be holding her back from this new found identity. She hasn't ever had a sexual experience with a female, and if she was in a serious relationship with me, probably wouldn't. I don't think I could handle her being with someone else (just as she couldn't handle me being with someone else), and we both understand this and have communicated it. I'm just really confused. I've read a lot of other posts on this which has been helpful, but I don't know what to do. I'm not homophobic in the least, but I must admit that there is a small part of me that is thrown off by her being a bisexual (I know that sounds horrible). any thoughts at all? Thanks (and please don't say "it'd be awesome for threesomes")
ShannonMI Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 My girlfriend just told me that she is a bisexual. I've been away for 6 months, and we've actually been kind of on/off during this time; but I came back and the same sparks started flying. After a few days, she admitted to me that she developed a crush on colleague (female) about a month ago, and that she now is a bisexual. She is very in touch with herself and seems to be very sure of this. She wants to stay with me, and is willing to be in a monogamous relationship - but I feel that now I'd be holding her back from this new found identity. She hasn't ever had a sexual experience with a female, and if she was in a serious relationship with me, probably wouldn't. I don't think I could handle her being with someone else (just as she couldn't handle me being with someone else), and we both understand this and have communicated it. I'm just really confused. I've read a lot of other posts on this which has been helpful, but I don't know what to do. I'm not homophobic in the least, but I must admit that there is a small part of me that is thrown off by her being a bisexual (I know that sounds horrible). any thoughts at all? Thanks (and please don't say "it'd be awesome for threesomes") Are you sure she hasn't done anything with this female colleague? You said you were on and off with her and you were away. Not trying to freak you out but perhaps she has. I would be thrown off too if I were you. If you love her and don't feel you can lose her, then try to work it out. If you don't think you can deal with it, then break up with her. There is nothing wrong with doing either of those things.
Andy_K Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Maybe she could do a little show for you with the colleague? I had a girl offer to do that once. But seriously, bisexual girls are just as capable of monogamous relationships as anyone else. I just don't get why guys are so hung up over this. There's no more chance she 'needs' to do some carpet munching than there is she 'needs' to find a guy with a bigger tool to keep her happy. You are who she's with. Chill and let her worry about whatever she decides she needs. Believe me, your obvious insecurity with this WILL push her away.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I'm not homophobic in the least, but I must admit that there is a small part of me that is thrown off by her being a bisexual (I know that sounds horrible). any thoughts at all? Thanks (and please don't say "it'd be awesome for threesomes") I know you don't want to hear about threesomes, but that's the only thing she'd be good for. Would you ever want to marry and have kids with a bisexual woman? Only to have her go from bisexual to full-blown homosexual later in your marriage, as it usually happens? I don't think it's a coincidence that divorce rates shot up ever since women started experimenting with their sexuality back in the 80s.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 My girlfriend just told me that she is a bisexual. I've been away for 6 months, and we've actually been kind of on/off during this time; but I came back and the same sparks started flying. After a few days, she admitted to me that she developed a crush on colleague (female) about a month ago, and that she now is a bisexual. She is very in touch with herself and seems to be very sure of this. She wants to stay with me, and is willing to be in a monogamous relationship - but I feel that now I'd be holding her back from this new found identity. She hasn't ever had a sexual experience with a female, and if she was in a serious relationship with me, probably wouldn't. I don't think I could handle her being with someone else (just as she couldn't handle me being with someone else), and we both understand this and have communicated it. I'm just really confused. I've read a lot of other posts on this which has been helpful, but I don't know what to do. I'm not homophobic in the least, but I must admit that there is a small part of me that is thrown off by her being a bisexual (I know that sounds horrible). any thoughts at all? Thanks (and please don't say "it'd be awesome for threesomes") Is your concern that she won't ever be satisfied with you until she has experienced a woman? I highly doubt that'd be an issue for her unless she's got a very strong sexual curiosity about women in general. I think humans are born "bisexual," or even more precisely, we're born sexual--not homo, hetero, or bi. We're born with genitals that feel great, and we learn to express that feeling as society and our experiences/environment guides us towards what ends up being our sexual preferences. I came to this conclusion after learning how free sexuality was far more normal prior to the rise of Christianity in Western society and culture, and just from my own observations of kids and animals, both of which tend to more freely express their sexuality than adult humans. There may also be genetic factors, but even if there are, society guides us towards heterosexuality more often than not. I'm hetero, but I wish I was open-minded enough to be bi. Society pointed me towards women and I'm fine with it--it's rather natural for that to happen just due to the differences in the bodies of men and women. I still can't get enough of boobs, although I'm sure if I already had some of my own I wouldn't be nearly as fascinated.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Only to have her go from bisexual to full-blown homosexual later in your marriage, as it usually happens? This is total horse****.
lululucy Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Is your concern that she won't ever be satisfied with you until she has experienced a woman? I highly doubt that'd be an issue for her unless she's got a very strong sexual curiosity about women in general. I was going to ask the same thing. I would consider myself bisexual as well (or at least closer to bi than straight) and I've never had sex with a woman (alone -- that's another story though). It doesn't mean that I'd leave my boyfriend for the chance. He knows I feel that way but it doesn't bother him. It's like if I were upset because I only have C-cups and he hasn't experienced other sizes. I don't think you have a problem here unless she is specifically saying she wants to act on her crush.
ShannonMI Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 This is total horse****. Dude is a woman hater. Ignore him.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I was going to ask the same thing. I would consider myself bisexual as well (or at least closer to bi than straight) and I've never had sex with a woman (alone -- that's another story though). It doesn't mean that I'd leave my boyfriend for the chance. He knows I feel that way but it doesn't bother him. It's like if I were upset because I only have C-cups and he hasn't experienced other sizes. I don't think you have a problem here unless she is specifically saying she wants to act on her crush. I agree--or more analagously to the OP's gender, it'd be like him worrying that she'll leave him because he's got an average wanker and he doesn't think she'll be satisfied until she's been with a guy packing something bigger. Common concern and possibly true, but a rare situation, I haven't seen that high up in most womens' priority structures.
Author betterdor Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 Thanks for the advice all, I'm still taking it all in and I appreciate the input. I'm just taking a little bit of time to let this settle, it just happened in the past few days so I'm still trying to think through it in a responsible and considerate manner.
Author betterdor Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 Dude is a woman hater. Ignore him. No, I believe this person was talking about a previous post, which was indeed horseshi**
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 (and please don't say "it'd be awesome for threesomes") Really? You don't want a threesome, dude? LOL. In any case, bisexuality is the new "in-thing" with women these days. It seems like the majority of chicks have done this bisexual thing. Yer just gonna have to get used to it. However, women tend to like bisexuality as a casual fling, rather than anything serious. So many women have said they tried to get into serious relationships with women but quit because women are too much drama. It seems many women can dish out drama so they cannot take. So many lesbians have said the majority of the time when a woman in a lesbian relationship cheats on her partner it is with a man. All in all, yer gonna have to get used to the bisexuality thing. It's too widespread amongst women these days to overlook.
Standard-Fare Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I'm bi, and I never know whether or how to tell my boyfriends about it. When I think about whether I want to hear about my boyfriends' dating past in any real detail, the answer is no. But I'm not sure the same standards should apply to a bisexual past. The thing is, when you're in a committed relationship, the rule is you don't explore other attractions. You're dedicated to the person you're dating. So does it matter who catches your eye? In a relationship with real trust, this shouldn't be a concern. To the OP, though, I will say I find it a little odd that your girlfriend made this revelation to you the way she did. Just guessing here, but if it was the same situation with a guy (she had a crush on a male coworker), it probably would have remained her secret. That she's telling you about this crush means it's a big deal to her, which is understandable if it's opening up a whole new part of her identity. I'd imagine she's confused but also excited about this discovery, and I do think you have a right to be concerned about the "excited" aspect. It's not going to work in your favor to act jealous or accusatory here, but I think you should pay attention about how this self-discovery develops.
Author betterdor Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I'm bi, and I never know whether or how to tell my boyfriends about it. When I think about whether I want to hear about my boyfriends' dating past in any real detail, the answer is no. But I'm not sure the same standards should apply to a bisexual past. The thing is, when you're in a committed relationship, the rule is you don't explore other attractions. You're dedicated to the person you're dating. So does it matter who catches your eye? In a relationship with real trust, this shouldn't be a concern. To the OP, though, I will say I find it a little odd that your girlfriend made this revelation to you the way she did. Just guessing here, but if it was the same situation with a guy (she had a crush on a male coworker), it probably would have remained her secret. That she's telling you about this crush means it's a big deal to her, which is understandable if it's opening up a whole new part of her identity. I'd imagine she's confused but also excited about this discovery, and I do think you have a right to be concerned about the "excited" aspect. It's not going to work in your favor to act jealous or accusatory here, but I think you should pay attention about how this self-discovery develops. Thanks, I think you're right with this. She was 'excited' to share this (or get it off her chest) with me, which I guess is what does scare me a little bit. So maybe I need to talk to her about this, I think communication is key in a situation like this.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 One of my ex told me she was bi-sexual. Totally fine. and bi-sexual does not mean slut in a threesome. They are just as normal as you. Unless you are not very normal :bunny:
azsinglegal Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 A lot of women "claim" to be bisexual just because they've felt attraction to another female. That isn't necessarily a sign. Have her talk to someone who really is bisexual or a lesbian for a better perspective. I'm bisexual. I have been my whole life. I'm attracted to both men and women and have had relationships with both. Although, I prefer men. I also don't bring another woman into the bedroom unless it's a CASUAL relationship. For me, sleeping with a woman is the same as sleeping with a man if I'm in a relationship, I'm cheating. I've had many girlfriends who had men in their lives and I was their woman. I've also had a girlfriend on the side of my own male-female relationships but it would always end badly. Therefore, I commit to one PERSON, not one gender. I've been very open about my sexuality since I was 19. I'm 38. I'd be more then happy to discuss anything you have questions about. My best advice to you is to ask her "how" she feels attracted to this woman. Is it mental? Sexual? Does she want a relationship with her? These are all very valid questions. If she's never been with another woman sexually, that doesn't mean anything. There's a very strong stigma against homosexuality and it can cause people to hide their true selves. Too many men think that a bisexual woman means threesomes for them, but it doesn't work that way in a serious relationship.
Author betterdor Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 A lot of women "claim" to be bisexual just because they've felt attraction to another female. That isn't necessarily a sign. Have her talk to someone who really is bisexual or a lesbian for a better perspective. I'm bisexual. I have been my whole life. I'm attracted to both men and women and have had relationships with both. Although, I prefer men. I also don't bring another woman into the bedroom unless it's a CASUAL relationship. For me, sleeping with a woman is the same as sleeping with a man if I'm in a relationship, I'm cheating. I've had many girlfriends who had men in their lives and I was their woman. I've also had a girlfriend on the side of my own male-female relationships but it would always end badly. Therefore, I commit to one PERSON, not one gender. I've been very open about my sexuality since I was 19. I'm 38. I'd be more then happy to discuss anything you have questions about. My best advice to you is to ask her "how" she feels attracted to this woman. Is it mental? Sexual? Does she want a relationship with her? These are all very valid questions. If she's never been with another woman sexually, that doesn't mean anything. There's a very strong stigma against homosexuality and it can cause people to hide their true selves. Too many men think that a bisexual woman means threesomes for them, but it doesn't work that way in a serious relationship. Thanks, this is helpful. I don't think that she is the type of a person who is just claiming to be bisexual - as I said she is very aware of herself, and she seems very serious about it; however it may be helpful for her to talk to somebody who is bisexual/lesbian about her feelings. I think I need to ask her a few more things about this woman and how deep her feelings for her are. She said this woman is already in a lesbian relationship, and has a girlfriend, so obviously this whole thing isn't cut and dry (nothing ever is ). Thanks again.
ShannonMI Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 No, I believe this person was talking about a previous post, which was indeed horseshi** Yes he was commenting on a woman hater's post and said it was horse sh*t. I agree. I was telling "horse sh*t" poster to ignore the other guy.
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