Is it true??

[sadbh]

So lately I've started thinking that I'm never going to find anyone better than my ex. Im a very logical person and I understand that I'll move on and there will be other guys in my life but am I doomed to second best for the rest of my days?

It feels like my ex is 'the one that got away' so to speak and because my feelings for him never changed the process of moving on has become more about me learning to live without him rather than letting go completely. And I have been trying to let go but logically my feelings for him are what they are and are never going to be completely gone. Maybe I wont always be IN love with him but as a person I will always love him for who he is and the time we spent together.

So when Im finally ready to be in another relationship will it ever be as great? Will I constantly compare? Will my ex be constantly in the back of my mind?

Another aspect of this that worries me is that I'll never love that freely or honestly ever again. My ex was my first love and I feel like since losing him I've lost all faith in the concept of love. In particular reading stories on here of marriages and 20 year relationship break-downs have scared the crap out of me. Maybe it was immature and naive to think I could be with my first love forever but now I've become a sceptic and believe I'll never feel safe and secure in a relationship ever again.

 

Does anyone have any advice or wisdom they can share on this topic?

[bbronco]

This is def. NOT true! Although I know the feeling all to well...I've had 2 serious loves and I know with the first, the only way I ended up getting over him was meeting my last ex. And now, I feel like to get over my last ex, I need Chris Evans to knock on my door, like yesterday! Haha..

 

It's hard when you know how attracted you were to someone both physically and personality wise, and now you're forced to get hit on (as us girls only know) by random dudes that could be creeps, or could be super nice, but without some overbearing sex appeal, I don't think I even have the emotional strength to go through the process of getting to know someone all over again from scratch. Introduce them to friends, family, partake in new trips together, etc etc.

 

All these things obviously have to happen, but it's normal to want what we just had, and what we feel can't ever be duplicated or topped. But it will happen, we just have to try and remember the faults for why the person might not have been the best for us or most compatible and hope to find someone that truly deserves to be with us!

[M2155]

It's your first love. One day you'll have a second love to compare it to then come back and see what you think.

 

Once you are over your ex, you will be open to someone new who will bring new experiences and new feelings.

 

In my experience, the next relationship has always been more different and better for me than the previous. Could be part narrowing down what I want, handling myself better, being more open, or just luck...who knows but I am glad it has turned out that way. I'm counting on that for next time;)

[sadbh]

bbronco, thanks for the advice I know exactly what you're saying. On Saturday night I went to a club with friends and got hit on at least five times (something Im not used to as I never used to go to clubs when we were together and if I did he was there too). Honestly, it made me want to cry! Some of the guys were really hot and I was flattered that they'd want to talk to me but when you compare that to what its like to be in a loving realtionship it just seems so awful.

The thoughts of eventually trying to wade through the creeps and find someone decent when Im finally ready terrifies me.

 

 

M2155, thank you for your insight. Im sure theres someone out there waiting to give me back the love I tried to give my ex. I just wish I didnt hav to go through all this crap to find him! And who knows how long that'll take?

However, in your experience when things started off with your second love did you always have your ex in the back of your mind? Did you compare the two? Did you still have some love for you ex while in the second realtionship even though you were over him/her and ready to move on and interested in this new person?

Its just that Im terrified that even though I might be able to be happy again with someone else I think this experience will stay with me in more bad ways than good. I'll always wonder 'what if?'.

[twinkles]

Let's see now..with 8 billion people living on this earth you mean to tell me that this one person is all there is?

 

Even if only 1 billion are eligible there's alot to choose from. Yes it is possible to find another person to love and you know what he may even be better than what you have lost now.

 

Don't compare each man you meet to your last boyfriend. Give the person time to show you who they are.

[sadbh]

Hi twinkles thanks for contributing! I know there are others out there for me and thats why I say Im logical and intelligent enough to know that this isnt the end of my love life forever.

Although finding someone and learning to forget my ex is something that worries me Im more terrified of the attitude I've been left with after all this pain. Can anyone ever really love without the fear of it ending as abruptly and unexpectedly as mine did? Now that I hav the experience Im starting to see how much faith we have to put into another person to have a fulfilling realtionship when they can change their mind at any point and even if they say they'll never hurt you they still have that power and when it comes down to it they can and most certainly will!

I know that to love fully you have to 'love like you've never been hurt' but I dont know if I see myself as capable of that after what I have been and am currently going through.

Have you had a subsequent serious relationship after being hurt by someone you loved with all your heart? If so could/did you give yourself 100% to the next person in your life?

[twinkles]

Just ask yourself this question...

 

Have you ever hurt someone you love? A friend, a relative a stranger.

 

The fact is we all hurt each other.. sometimes unknowingly.

 

There are no guarantees. It just maybe that the next person who loves you maybe the one you hurt.

 

Is it worth the risk...Absolutely yes.

 

Yes, I have had subsequent relationships where I loved them with all my heart...most of them I can say I still love. Sometimes things just don't work out and instead of living in misery or regret you move on. Do you have any idea how many people stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons.

 

This heart has alot of love to give and alot to receive and I bet yours does too. Never get discouraged.

[bluetower]

Sadbh,

 

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I'm in a similar situation. First boyfriend broke up with me and I've been stuck with 'what-if's. Of course emotions were high but somehow I feel it's also an intellectual and conceptual burden to me with this experience. Sometimes I think I'm more scared to the thought that he'll come around for me one day than he does not. What if I was already in another happy relationship? I think I would still feel affectionately towards him. I don't want that. I don't want to split my love for more than that one and only. I feel it just takes so much of he beauty away when you had one person in your heart and tries to love another. Funny thing is, my relationship with my ex ended because I hold on to this ideal too much and was obsessing over his ex-girlfriend (there was also a reason though).

 

This 'love's purity' thing has been holding me back from moving on since the breakup 6 months ago. I tried to hard to find a logical solution for this, but I couldn't. From observation, I'm afraid I'll have to admit that the way people connect is a lot more complicated than I thought. It was not like in movies where you had a crappy ex, broke up, moved on to someone 'better', never looked back again and happily ever after. Relationships and emotions are a lot trickier than that, nothing is written in stone.

 

I had a hard time accepting this, but I guess seeing the world for it is is the step one. In a way, having had love and loss changed my world view a lot. I don't know how it is going to be for my next relationship. I don't know if I'll have my ex in the back of my head. But I'm open to that experience and will try to love with all my heart again.

 

I also asked a few friends for their experience with second/third loves. Some said they found qualities in their later lovers that they like so much and it makes them realize what was missing with their first love. I hope that helps a bit.

 

And try not to over think and over anaylise too much. Let things happen naturally and feelings flow naturally. Life's experience will give you the answer you need eventually. At least that's how I believe now.

[M2155]

You will have fond memories of everyone you loved in your past (I would hope). And yes you absolutely can and will be in 2nd, 3rd, etc.. relationship without thinking and comparing them to the previous. Its a very good sign that you are over that previous person too. You are down now but when you come out of it, someone will come along unexpectedly and stir up feelings you haven't had in a while, it's nice.

 

If I find myself "comparing" it's usually years later and not in a bad way. It's like, I liked this quality about this person or I appreciate that about another person. I think that is part of "discovering" all the things you ultimately want in your partner.

 

Don't worry, your outlook will change in due time