Seeing MM & W every day

[round1]

Hi

Looking for advice from anyone who post DD had to face MM and W daily.

 

I am trying my hardest here..but do not seem to be coping well at all.

Some days i am indifferent, others its knocks me and i feel like i cant go on with the pain.

 

I see either both together, or one or the other.

I can not change this.

 

The other strange this is, he works in a similar filed to me, so i often see his work or people we know means it crosses paths. Lately he has been really actively prmoting his business in a magazine that he would never use- Ok that might sound really odd, but its a magazine that i use for all my marketing heavily and from having a conversation with him he said he would never use them. Then BOOM! ..past two months, there he is , full on adverts. It might be purely conicdental, just doesnt feel it.

 

Today i opened the local paper and its him and his wife..smilling so happy at their latest business promotion. (In the past his w would never attend those events)

I understand life goes on- and they are working on their marriage.I get it, i see it, i understand - but it still hurts me. its two months in and he is there , back to normal life and i am here, hurting and in therapy trying to figure out my role in all this and address my own crap to make me a better person. Which is tough in it own rights- and there in my face is this smiling happy couple.

 

Needless to say , if you have read my older posts - i totally understand her pain and my part in all of this.

 

Lastly - I am starting to hit the anger phase- I never thought i would. But i am seeing how disgusting he treating me after DD. Very sad that someone would do a complete flip of a coin after sharing such intimate difficult times. But thats the reality of this affair.

The anger is scary - at time i want to contact him i feel so strongly about it. I wont, but gosh , the anger is bubbling away.

My thearpist is glad that i am getting angry. I am not so sure yet.

Any advice may help me find a way.

Thanks

[whichwayisup]

They are going on with their life and you need to stop thinking or feeling like they are shoving themselves in your face all the time. Life goes on and all I can say is, time is on your side. Time heals wounds and somehow you need to find a way to cope with this and not get so worked up/upset everytime you see them, read about them or whatever.

 

Your choices, suck it up and put it out of your head while at work, focus on staying as busy as you can and don't let yourself 'feel or think' when you cross paths with them. Or, start looking for another job somewhere else if you truly can't handle having to deal with them on a daily or weekly basis.

 

I do feel for you, but this fallout IS because you two chose to have an affair. When it ends, dealing with the uncomfortableness etc at work is part of the price to pay.

 

They are dealing with it their way and showing a united front. I hope someday soon you can work through this and stop having urges to contact him. Don't ever up and contact him, it'll be worse for you.

[round1]

Thanks. I do not work with them. Our work can cross paths. I see them every day- school run.

 

I really do try very hard to not think of what they are doing..and I hope time like you say- will heal it.

It is not easy to suddenly erase 17 months of knowing that person- regardless if affair or not- there were emotions and feelings. I agree it is to be expected - I know all this.

It is the find a way to cope is my problem.

Some days I really feel indifferent- others it feels so raw.

 

I would never contact him- ever. It was a feeling I had with these new anger emotions.

Tonight I wrote it all out. Does feel better to do that.

It just hard - simply that. Wrong/right..facing it daily is a reminder- for all of us.

Thanks for the reply .

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks. I do not work with them. Our work can cross paths. I see them every day- school run.

 

I really do try very hard to not think of what they are doing..and I hope time like you say- will heal it.

It is not easy to suddenly erase 17 months of knowing that person- regardless if affair or not- there were emotions and feelings. I agree it is to be expected - I know all this.

It is the find a way to cope is my problem.

Some days I really feel indifferent- others it feels so raw.

 

I would never contact him- ever. It was a feeling I had with these new anger emotions.

Tonight I wrote it all out. Does feel better to do that.

It just hard - simply that. Wrong/right..facing it daily is a reminder- for all of us.

Thanks for the reply .

 

 

Yes it is. A consequence of poor choices.

[TurningTables]

Hi round. Try to keep your chin up. I wanted to comment because although you see pictures of them and see them together,and think they are presenting a "united front", appearances are deceiving. I seriously doubt that they have just gone on with their lives, without a second thought about him having an affair with you. Its most likely present in their everyday lives. On the outside, I am sure that they think they have everyone fooled. Just food for thought, my xMM left and then went back. On the outside, everyone thought they were stronger than ever, blah blah blah...and its not like that at all on the inside of their M. ( and before anyone jumps on me..No..have not broken NC...just snippets Ive heard through the grapevine)

Anyways, at first when an A is discovered, I have read and seen that couples work really hard and fast at "reconnecting" and sooner or later, it burns out and the real work begins. I think that everything happens in stages.

 

Here is my advice for you, keep up the good work of NC. You are going to have to give it some time. Eventually, you will start to heal and move on.

Good Luck.

[MissBee]

Hi round1,

 

I can imagine how horrible that must be. Getting over any breakup is hard, especially when it appears like you're hurt and taking a while to heal and the other person has moved on and is happy. I've been there. Two things: 1) Things aren't always what they seem and MOST importantly 2) It's not about them anymore but your own healing.

 

You're already in therapy and doing what you need to do. It's hard for you to completely have no trace of them in your life obviously, which makes it harder...but truthfully, you being able to genuinely heal and work through it, while seeing these things helps you to guage realistically how far you've come. Sometimes during the healing process you mistakenly think you're healed because it is out of sight and out of mind, until you see something and come spiraling down! You probably won't have that that much as your healing will be "in real time".

 

You can do it! It's about YOU remember. You SHOULD be angry and use that anger to live your life and fake it until you eventually get to a point where you truly are over it! Goodluck!

[NoIDidn't]

You can do it! It's about YOU remember. You SHOULD be angry and use that anger to live your life and fake it until you eventually get to a point where you truly are over it! Goodluck!

 

I am having a hard time understanding what round1 should be angry about. Its not their fault that she's hurt while they try to focus on their marriage. What exactly is she going to be angry about? That the roles aren't reversed and that the W isn't the one at the bus stop watching her H that left her for another woman?

 

I'm really not trying to be mean to round1 in asking this. I really don't understand why she is being encouraged to be angry with them when she shouldn't be angry with anyone as it won't help her any.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi round. Try to keep your chin up. I wanted to comment because although you see pictures of them and see them together,and think they are presenting a "united front", appearances are deceiving. I seriously doubt that they have just gone on with their lives, without a second thought about him having an affair with you. Its most likely present in their everyday lives. On the outside, I am sure that they think they have everyone fooled. Just food for thought, my xMM left and then went back. On the outside, everyone thought they were stronger than ever, blah blah blah...and its not like that at all on the inside of their M. ( and before anyone jumps on me..No..have not broken NC...just snippets Ive heard through the grapevine)

Anyways, at first when an A is discovered, I have read and seen that couples work really hard and fast at "reconnecting" and sooner or later, it burns out and the real work begins. I think that everything happens in stages.

 

Here is my advice for you, keep up the good work of NC. You are going to have to give it some time. Eventually, you will start to heal and move on.

Good Luck.

 

While I have a generally negative read on some of this post, I do agree with it mostly. My disagreement is with the "united front" concept. Its so offensive and often not accurate as to what it is that they are presenting.

 

IMO, they are presenting a "supportive front". The OW has no idea how much shame and hurt their former MM often feel for hurting BOTH women. The OW often have no idea of how the W is helping her H recover from hurting HER AND the woman that helped violate their marriage.

 

But enough of that, as I know the OP is really hurting and I'm just trying to give her another perspective instead of the one that makes the married couple trying to rebuild their marriage into villains. They are not villains. And neither is the OP.

[NoIDidn't]

I am having a hard time understanding what round1 should be angry about. Its not their fault that she's hurt while they try to focus on their marriage. What exactly is she going to be angry about? That the roles aren't reversed and that the W isn't the one at the bus stop watching her H that left her for another woman?

 

I'm really not trying to be mean to round1 in asking this. I really don't understand why she is being encouraged to be angry with them when she shouldn't be angry with anyone as it won't help her any.

 

I re-read the OP. I don't agree with the therapist either. Sometimes this "use the anger" technique backfires and only turns into a depression.

 

But at least I see where the anger came from now. The anger is about how the MM handled D-day. Unfortunately that is a risk when dealing with a married person. You never know how they are going to handle an actual threat to their marriage, no matter what they may have said behind their spouse's back.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi

Looking for advice from anyone who post DD had to face MM and W daily.

 

I am trying my hardest here..but do not seem to be coping well at all.

Some days i am indifferent, others its knocks me and i feel like i cant go on with the pain.

 

I see either both together, or one or the other.

I can not change this.

 

The other strange this is, he works in a similar filed to me, so i often see his work or people we know means it crosses paths. Lately he has been really actively prmoting his business in a magazine that he would never use- Ok that might sound really odd, but its a magazine that i use for all my marketing heavily and from having a conversation with him he said he would never use them. Then BOOM! ..past two months, there he is , full on adverts. It might be purely conicdental, just doesnt feel it.

 

Today i opened the local paper and its him and his wife..smilling so happy at their latest business promotion. (In the past his w would never attend those events)

I understand life goes on- and they are working on their marriage.I get it, i see it, i understand - but it still hurts me. its two months in and he is there , back to normal life and i am here, hurting and in therapy trying to figure out my role in all this and address my own crap to make me a better person. Which is tough in it own rights- and there in my face is this smiling happy couple.

 

Needless to say , if you have read my older posts - i totally understand her pain and my part in all of this.

 

Lastly - I am starting to hit the anger phase- I never thought i would. But i am seeing how disgusting he treating me after DD. Very sad that someone would do a complete flip of a coin after sharing such intimate difficult times. But thats the reality of this affair.

The anger is scary - at time i want to contact him i feel so strongly about it. I wont, but gosh , the anger is bubbling away.

My thearpist is glad that i am getting angry. I am not so sure yet.

Any advice may help me find a way.

Thanks

 

OP, I've read and re-read this post. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I can't imagine how it feels to open publications and see their smiling picture in adverts. I also can't imagine the conflicting emotions you have regarding the loss of your lover, but understand that they had the right to re-commit to their marriage. But this is where you are, and you are dealing with it the best that you can. Its good that you are seeing a therapist.

 

I can guarantee you that life for them hasn't returned to normal. He probably lost out to his W over the adverts in that he couldn't honor a promise made to you over her feelings. And after losing that battle, I'm sure he doesn't have the heart (or the right, really) to explain why he went back on his word. You also say she is appearing at things she would have avoided before. So they are definitely paying a price for the affair right now.

 

I really don't know anything to say that would instantly make you feel better. I just know that life is very different for all of you during this time and its going to be a while before it gets better or starts to feel normal. You all are going to have triggers that will cause bad feelings and sad moods. The worst thing you can do right now is contact him to vent the anger over the way he handled things. It would take you right back to square one and the initial pain of things ending would come right back.

 

I wish you peace with the way things are now, if nothing else. You will get through this. Their marriage might not. But you WILL get through this.

[MissBee]

I don't think the anger is about them....it's about the stages of grief you go through when a relationship (A or not) ends. I think that is what the therapist means -that she's moving through the stages. She's being angry at how things ended, how he treated her, perhaps angry at her own behavior etc.It's important for you to get to that part....it's a part of grieving and healing. When you get angry it makes you a bit more realistic in this case, in that you're not still in the denial or wishing this person would come back or idealizing them but you start to be angry as you see things for what they were and were not.

 

I think that is the kind of anger being referred to and certainly what I am encouraging...I went through it too and it wasn't an A...it was just the stages of grief.

[RickFox]

Im in the same boat as the OP and it truly sucks. Only difference is my xMW's H does not know. After d day she tucked tail and ran, all the words she spoke to me, everything she said no longer mattered and she told me to 'move on.' It's not just MM's that turn tail and act like this...... just the dirty little secret you become.

 

So Ive tried, am trying, and it is my wife and I who suffer from MY choices along with xMW's. She goes on, living life, enjoying the newfound attention her husband gives her as there was none before.

 

I see them all the time at the school where our kids go, it's uncomfortable for me, I want him to know, but it is my wife's decision and she has not said anything. It is eating her alive, more than I knew, my marriage may not survive no matter how hard I work at it and xMW goes on, happy go lucky, not a freaking care in the world, all is fine for her.

 

We saw them tonight, I went the other way, my wife decided to walk towards them, I begged her not to, she says he was just kissing and holding on to her and being all lovey dovey, wow, must be nice .... and then all hell broke loose in my world.

 

To the OP, you're gonna have days like this for a long time to come, all you can do is face them head on and accept the emotion of the day. It's what I do. I thought I was reaching a good point but then it can be as simple as a song that negates all the good I was doing. Face it head on, accept that you will have bad days and good days and act like you don't care. The best revenge is living well.... easier said than done.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think the anger is about them....it's about the stages of grief you go through when a relationship (A or not) ends. I think that is what the therapist means -that she's moving through the stages. She's being angry at how things ended, how he treated her, perhaps angry at her own behavior etc.It's important for you to get to that part....it's a part of grieving and healing. When you get angry it makes you a bit more realistic in this case, in that you're not still in the denial or wishing this person would come back or idealizing them but you start to be angry as you see things for what they were and were not.

 

I think that is the kind of anger being referred to and certainly what I am encouraging...I went through it too and it wasn't an A...it was just the stages of grief.

 

THanks for this. I understand much better now. Not sure why I didn't see it before.

 

In truth, I think the sadness felt is also not about them and part of the grief of what could have been. Or the fears that she may not have the chance at love again.

 

I've experienced this as well. And know it gets better, but you have to go through it.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think the anger is about them....it's about the stages of grief you go through when a relationship (A or not) ends. I think that is what the therapist means -that she's moving through the stages. She's being angry at how things ended, how he treated her, perhaps angry at her own behavior etc.It's important for you to get to that part....it's a part of grieving and healing. When you get angry it makes you a bit more realistic in this case, in that you're not still in the denial or wishing this person would come back or idealizing them but you start to be angry as you see things for what they were and were not.

 

I think that is the kind of anger being referred to and certainly what I am encouraging...I went through it too and it wasn't an A...it was just the stages of grief.

 

I had responded to this, but my post disappeared.

 

I thanked you for this and wondered why I couldn't consider that as well.

 

I've had this anger. I've also had the sadness of watching life seem to go on for someone else while I felt stuck.

 

But I've found there is no quick fix for it and going through it is growing through it.

 

Wishing the OP peace.

[despicableME]

I am having a hard time understanding what round1 should be angry about. Its not their fault that she's hurt while they try to focus on their marriage. What exactly is she going to be angry about? That the roles aren't reversed and that the W isn't the one at the bus stop watching her H that left her for another woman?

 

Although I can sympathize, I have to agree with this.

 

But i am seeing how disgusting he treating me after DD. Very sad that someone would do a complete flip of a coin after sharing such intimate difficult times. But thats the reality of this affair.

 

 

I see them all the time at the school where our kids go, it's uncomfortable for me, I want him to know, but it is my wife's decision and she has not said anything. It is eating her alive, more than I knew, my marriage may not survive no matter how hard I work at it and xMW goes on, happy go lucky, not a freaking care in the world, all is fine for her.

 

Again... what did you expect? I'd be very hard pressed to think the both of you would be feeling this way if the affair was STILL going on; or, that you ended up leaving your spouse for your AP. Face it... the both of you got played like a fiddle, and are now bitter about the outcome.

[round1]

Thank you for all the replies.

I will read through them all today.

 

To clarify- anger I feel is because of the DD- I was pregnant and lost a baby. It is also a stage of grief- that I didn't think I would arrive at. His treatment of me after DD , some of it I expected, but over the baby was pure disgusting. And if you read back my old posts- you will see I understand the outcomes of an affair and expect the treatment I am getting. If anything I blamed myself- and I am only just managing to push that aside to feel my own grief at what MM did.

 

It was an affair and comes with consequences but that doesn't mean I will suddendly not feel pain and grief. I am human. I made a bad choice and I am dealing with that . My problem is- its hard daily facing them. Some days I feels soul slipping - but I am fighting will all I have to move on with my life.

 

Hope that clears up the anger part.

 

Thanks for all the support everyone - as I said I will read through these soon. Its really good to hear it will pass- some days it feels like I have taken steps back.

[round1]

Missbee- you summed it up. That is my anger. And someone mentioned anger at myself- yes this is painfully true. I hate myself for having this affair. I feel I deserved all I got as a result.

Anyhow- therapy is helping me on these areas.

 

Its so comforting to hear all your words. I will dig a bit deeper- its good to have a place to express how I feel as it does swamp me at times

 

Thank you everyone- it has helped me.

[lynne76]

Hi Round1,

 

I just wanted to let you know that I understand the pain of seeing your xMM with his wife. My xMM is very much in the public eye -- there is likely not a single person on LS who doesn't know who he is -- and so images of him and his W are very available to me through the media, Twitter, etc. They look so happy together and I know they ARE happy together, that his A with me and other events (some tragic) that took place over our 18 months together eventually taught him that he wanted to be in his marriage..it wasn't personal to me so much as just he began to value their history together and her role in his life over the years in a way that he had never done before. I am sure some of that is also about him having some of his fantasy's met by me -- sexual and otherwise, and now he can put that chapter in his life to rest. They are adopting a child or children together now and as far as I believe, he is content and happy. And she is glowing.

 

And me, I am struggling. Every article I read or photo I see stings me and saddens me. I realised the pain I am in, however, is worth it if it means that he is happy. It is the biggest price I have ever had to pay in terms of my life, my heart, and emotional stability and future, but in the context of things, maybe it is a small price to pay. For my suffering, two people are happy and they will raise one or more happy children in the world who otherwise may have had poor circumstances in their life. I am not trying to say I am a martyr. I'm not. I HURT and I miss him and I wish things could be different, and the prospect of spending my life alone and going to my grave still loving him are a burden that I now have to carry. But he's happy and I think if you love someone, maybe that is all you can hope for in the end. That they are happy in their lives. So, maybe trying to be happy for your xMM and releasing the anger would help. You don't want anger and darkness in your life, you don't need that in your life. Forgive him and try to move on. Together maybe we can both do it eventually.

[lynne76]

@LadyGray -- Your point is so well taken, believe me. And I know that it appears that I have him on a pedestal or that he used me and I should be angry. The thing is none of that is really the case. I know his failings and his short-comings, and I don't idolize him as someone in the public eye. I admire him, surely, as we all do, for the good he has brought into the world, but I realise that he has his own issues, as we all do...and those issues are in part what led him to have an A with me. But I'm not angry. He's human. We met one another and we fell for each other and his boundaries were down at the time. I have blasted him for this, for not having kept his boundaries up when he met me, and he knows that was a problem, obviously. I just met him when he was weak.

 

What he realised is that he could love two people -- equally and differently -- at the same time. It was a confusing thing for him to learn, but many people are capable of that. I don't want to be angry at him for loving me or not chosing me. I HURT because he didn't "chose" me, but had he chosen me, I also know that his W would have been left like me -- bewildered and in pain. Were I him, I would have no easy answer and I would likely have made the same choice -- to not uproot my life, my wife, the extended family -- for the somewhat unknown (me). None of this of course was clear to me when he and I fell for one another. I believed "love conquors all" and that their M must have big holes in it for he and I to connect the way we did. It turned out that really wasn't the case. It turned out that his involvement with me led him to see the value in his history with her and decide he couldn't turn his back on her and not give her the child/ren she was longing for. To me, this means he's a good man. He made a mistake with me, obviously, but he's "fixed it" as much as he can. I know he loves me. I know if I called him and asked for anything in this world, that he would give it to me if he could. Just not his hand in a marriage with me...it's the only thing he can't do.

 

I am trying to be at peace and not be angry or hate him. I am human and I have moments when I do, moments where I LOATHE him. But I know he's human and he did the best he could. He never set out to use me or to hurt his wife. We just fell in love and waded through it the best we could. In the end, he made the only choice he could.

 

As for getting past him and someday falling in love with another man. I don't know. I am traumatised by this experience -- about men and marriage and long term relationships in general -- and truly he set the bar very high for me with a man. Despite the affair, he is a very good man. He's not a Hollywood celebrity or anything like that. I'm not a superficial person nor is he.

 

I WANT to get over him one day, I really do. I hope that time will help me see that and I hope I can meet someone I can love and one day move past this chapter in my life. I know it is a "choice" to some degree and I am working toward healing. But I also know that for some people, "the one" is just "the one" and he might have been that for me. It was and is a very intense love and bond and I just have such a hard time imagining anything or anyone else holding a candle to it or to him.

 

But I appreciate the tough love and I understand where you are coming from, I really do. One day maybe I will get to the place you think I should be, and one day I might look back at this posting and think I was crazy to have seen things the way I am right now. You might be entirely right. But I'm not at that point yet and I'm not even sure I want to be. I just want to be at peace as much as I can with my life.

[TurningTables]

While I have a generally negative read on some of this post, I do agree with it mostly. My disagreement is with the "united front" concept. Its so offensive and often not accurate as to what it is that they are presenting.

 

IMO, they are presenting a "supportive front". The OW has no idea how much shame and hurt their former MM often feel for hurting BOTH women. The OW often have no idea of how the W is helping her H recover from hurting HER AND the woman that helped violate their marriage.

 

But enough of that, as I know the OP is really hurting and I'm just trying to give her another perspective instead of the one that makes the married couple trying to rebuild their marriage into villains. They are not villains. And neither is the OP.

 

 

 

Hi NID. I dont understand where you think my post was negative? All I was saying is that I got from Round's post is that she sees xMM and his W going on with life like nothing really happen. The words "united front" actually came from WWIU's post. I normally would agree with her, but in this case, I didnt. I have seen all the time where couples who experience an A in their M, they reconnect fast and furious. Its only until after some time has passed, does reality really sink in and the real work on the M begins. They smile on the outside, but like you said, hide the shame behind closed doors. So, just because Round sees their picture, looking happy, smiling, etc, dosent mean that their lives werent affected by what happen. Often times, its very hard for OW/OM to see their AP go back to the M, and watch it progress. You constantly think...wow..he just went back to his life like nothing happen and here I am...left out in the cold. You know? I never meant my post to be anything but helpful.

[2sure]

It has been a long time since I was OW and a year since I became a divorced BS.

 

But like all of us - meaning People - I have come across and dealt with many individuals and relationships that in hindsight I see were not good for me.

 

At the end of ANY relationship - be it a marriage, a friendship, a professional thing...that did not end as we expected - we go thru phases. Anger is one of them.

 

But ultimately, what we do is learn from it. Learn more about OURSELVES.

 

I just wish I could explain to some of the OW here that are hurting:

 

Your recovery from the loss, or your acceptance of the end , or your anger

is not going to be resolved while you are spending time wondering :

 

Why he had an affair. What he & his wife are doing. How could he treat you this way?

 

All of the answers you need to move on, have to come from you.

Do not make it about the mistake, make it about the lesson.

 

And as far as forgiveness...sure yeah, thats always a good thing. Forgive him, forgive yourself..OK. But you better also start asking some questions of yourself. Make your healing about YOU.

[woinlove]

Hi Round1,

 

I just wanted to let you know that I understand the pain of seeing your xMM with his wife. My xMM is very much in the public eye -- there is likely not a single person on LS who doesn't know who he is -- and so images of him and his W are very available to me through the media, Twitter, etc. They look so happy together and I know they ARE happy together, that his A with me and other events (some tragic) that took place over our 18 months together eventually taught him that he wanted to be in his marriage..it wasn't personal to me so much as just he began to value their history together and her role in his life over the years in a way that he had never done before. I am sure some of that is also about him having some of his fantasy's met by me -- sexual and otherwise, and now he can put that chapter in his life to rest. They are adopting a child or children together now and as far as I believe, he is content and happy. And she is glowing.

 

And me, I am struggling. Every article I read or photo I see stings me and saddens me. I realised the pain I am in, however, is worth it if it means that he is happy. It is the biggest price I have ever had to pay in terms of my life, my heart, and emotional stability and future, but in the context of things, maybe it is a small price to pay. For my suffering, two people are happy and they will raise one or more happy children in the world who otherwise may have had poor circumstances in their life. I am not trying to say I am a martyr. I'm not. I HURT and I miss him and I wish things could be different, and the prospect of spending my life alone and going to my grave still loving him are a burden that I now have to carry. But he's happy and I think if you love someone, maybe that is all you can hope for in the end. That they are happy in their lives. So, maybe trying to be happy for your xMM and releasing the anger would help. You don't want anger and darkness in your life, you don't need that in your life. Forgive him and try to move on. Together maybe we can both do it eventually.

 

Lasting happiness must come from within. Studies show the people happiest in marriage were also happy single. If he and/or his wife are happy, it is because they have the capacity for happiness and know how to bring it into their lives. Many people could not be happy sharing their life with someone while continuing to carry deceit, but perhaps his values allow him to do that and be happy. Whatever. That's his trip. I certainly wouldn't want it myself.

 

You don't have to carry deceit around with a loved one and so may be in a position that could afford you even greater happiness. Right now, it seems you want to focus on him, his marriage, what was and might have been with you two - but someday you'll be ready to focus on yourself. And then the happiness can come.

[woinlove]

Round, your situation sounds very difficult. I would likely do whatever I could to stop seeing xMM and his W. If that wasn't possible, I'd probably invest significant time in trying different meditative approaches, learning to refocus and block out thoughts of them. To be continually seeing them and letting yourself think of them sounds like torture. Time will eventually heal but it can take a very long time. I'd try to take more control either of the situation or of thoughts/focus.

[lynne76]

A lot of people say that lasting happiness must come from within. To some degree, I understand this. We all need a good sense of ourselves and to fulfill our basic happiness on our own. But I don't believe that all of us can be happy just on our own. Babies fail to thrive if they are not touched and held and just LOVED and I believe it is the same for adults. I've been single for seven years, the years of my so-called prime of life. In this time I have watched 12 of my friends die from cancer, including my brother (he was 33). I've been through a glut of hardship that is indescribable. I would love to have someone in my life that I could share the highs and lows of life with, theirs and mine. Perhaps watching so many around me suffer and die -- some alone and some with partners by their side -- has fostered this desire in me. The ones who died alone suffered not just from their illness but by their loneliness and by their regret that they did not have someone in their life prior to that point to share a family with, to share travel, friends, daily life with. It is from this very basic human drive for companionship that I think I speak from. I can be "happy" on my own to some degree, certainly, but having someone to truly share the happiness (and the pain) with would be wonderful and I think many likely share this sentiment with me.

[bentnotbroken]

A lot of people say that lasting happiness must come from within. To some degree, I understand this. We all need a good sense of ourselves and to fulfill our basic happiness on our own. But I don't believe that all of us can be happy just on our own. Babies fail to thrive if they are not touched and held and just LOVED and I believe it is the same for adults. I've been single for seven years, the years of my so-called prime of life. In this time I have watched 12 of my friends die from cancer, including my brother (he was 33). I've been through a glut of hardship that is indescribable. I would love to have someone in my life that I could share the highs and lows of life with, theirs and mine. Perhaps watching so many around me suffer and die -- some alone and some with partners by their side -- has fostered this desire in me. The ones who died alone suffered not just from their illness but by their loneliness and by their regret that they did not have someone in their life prior to that point to share a family with, to share travel, friends, daily life with. It is from this very basic human drive for companionship that I think I speak from. I can be "happy" on my own to some degree, certainly, but having someone to truly share the happiness (and the pain) with would be wonderful and I think many likely share this sentiment with me.

 

 

Babies don't have the cognitive ability make themselves happy. The inability to "thrive" as you put it has nothing to do with touch or companionship. It has to do with where you place value. Apparently yours is with someone (anyone) in a relationship. You are correct in that not everyone is equipped to live a fulfilling happy life without a man(woman) as part of the ensemble.