Insane physical chemistry with a stoner I need to dump

[Standard-Fare]

I'm 30/F and have been with "Stoned Boy" for close to two years.

 

The chemistry with SB has been strong and instinctual from the start. We experienced drunken fireworks the first night we met and ended up aggressively making out in the corner of a bar; we slept together on our first date. Both of us were anticipating a fun fling and nothing more.

 

But then something funny happened: It didn't end. Centrifugal force kept pulling us together and we started seeing each other regularly. Despite some of my doubts about SB, including that he was a 30-year-old pothead with a lot of immaturity, I found that I felt incredibly physically connected with him. It wasn't just the sex, which, yes, has been the best of my life. But in general, his touch just soothes me instantly. We fall asleep holding hands and hold each other all night. I've never experienced such natural and loving affection with someone.

 

So we are terrific "lovers" but, after almost two years, our relationship is failing to get off the ground in any normal or stable way. His problem with me is that I'm elusive and keep my distance. For me, these defenses are necessary because I'm dealing with a total stoner. Over time his addiction to pot (i.e. he's a teacher who wakes and bakes before going to school) has become more and more disheartening to me. And I find myself embarrassed to bring him out with friends and family, because he's such a burnout. (FYI: I'm not some teetotaler -- I was a pothead myself in my early 20s and still toke up maybe twice a month.)

 

SB and I have had circular conversations about the weed problem, where he tells me he can't consider giving up something he likes so much if he has no assurances I can finally get serious and real with him -- and me telling him I can't get serious and real without having assurances that he's capable of quitting.

 

Deep down I know I can't be the one to change his ways, and it's probably time to walk away. But I'm finding it SO hard to turn my back on such a once-in-a-lifetime physical compatibility. During my one "break" with SB during the past two years, I went on a couple dates/hooked up with a guy who I have awesome mental chemistry with... but found myself just staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, pining for my gentle, sexy SB. I know I'll find myself right back there again.

 

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

Edited December 6, 2011 by Standard-Fare

[Million.to.1]

Wow. This is interesting.

 

I wouldn't know what to advise you really but i can't wait to see what people say about this one.

 

Could you both consider a compromise maybe? Talk to him about at least cutting it down?

...Going to work, at a school no less, teaching kids, stoned is just wrong!

..and in a way, so is driving while stoned.

I smoke pot, but there is a time and a place. Can he just limit it to evenings? or every second evening? If he is smoking that much, he has a problem. If someone drank that much they would have a problem.

[Wolf18]

If you are out of high school and still smoke weed every, you are either Cheech Marin or mentally retarded.

 

"Physical chemistry" is overrated, I don't know why women make such a huge deal about it, are women really sexually attracted only to such a small amount of people? There are lots of women who make my dick hard but I wouldn't want to spend more than 5 minutes with the vast majority of them or pretend its anything meaningful.

 

Figure out what you want. A grown man or a 30 something manbaby who gets baked and watches Spongebob all the time.

[Standard-Fare]

"Physical chemistry" is overrated, I don't know why women make such a huge deal about it, are women really sexually attracted only to such a small amount of people? There are lots of women who make my dick hard but I wouldn't want to spend more than 5 minutes with the vast majority of them or pretend its anything meaningful.

 

I do think women are attracted to a much smaller percentage of people than men are. I won't claim to speak for everyone, but I consider genuine physical attraction to be a complex and elusive thing. I WISH I were more like a guy in this regard.

[carhill]

The good news is you hopefully won't be dead for decades to come so 'once in a lifetime' is merely the brief past of your young adulthood. When you get to 80 or so, then you can say 'once in a lifetime' with some authority.

 

I've had some pretty awesome 'connections' with alcoholics and mentally ill people, but do they make healthy relationship partners? Likely not. Part of living life is learning the breadth of the human condition and zeroing in on what works for you and is healthy for you. This guy may be a wonderful lover and you have intense physical attraction to him but he doesn't tick the boxes off in the rest of your life equation. How you reconcile that is up to you.

 

I would suggest, if you choose to walk away, to do your own work to resolve this attraction so, someday in the distant future, you aren't laying in bed with a man who is healthy for you and does love you, staring at the ceiling wondering about this man from your past. If you leave, leave completely and without prejudice. Accept the ending you have decided upon. Good luck

[xxoo]

Things things you know are true:

 

The chemistry is fabulous.

He is unsuitable as a life partner.

 

What can you do? You have to move on.

 

There will be others with great chemistry. Now that you've experienced it, it may be easier to spot in the future.

 

But in general, his touch just soothes me instantly. We fall asleep holding hands and hold each other all night. I've never experienced such natural and loving affection with someone.

 

Settle for nothing less when you choose a life mate

[azsinglegal]

I had a pothead for a boyfriend for a bit. The chemistry was great, but when he was sober there wasn't any substance to him. I was also embarrassed to go in public with him or take him around my friends because he was always stoned.

 

In the end, it was a deal-breaker. I don't want a life with a pothead.

 

You need to figure out what's acceptable to you or not. If desiring a life with this guy is what you want, then you'll have to learn to deal with him being a pothead.

 

Are the other qualities so great to overshadow this huge flaw? Only you can decide.

 

For me, nothing about my ex was strong enough to overlook his addiction.

[OnyxSnowfall]

are women really sexually attracted only to such a small amount of people?

 

In my experience... YES!!!

[USCGAviator]

I'm sure you both can compromise about this. Have you suggested that he cut back more instead of flat out quitting?

[carhill]

OP, along those lines, have you ever seen BF of two years 'sober', meaning without THC coursing through his brain for, say, a month?

[stillafool]

"Physical chemistry" is overrated, I don't know why women make such a huge deal about it, are women really sexually attracted only to such a small amount of people? There are lots of women who make my dick hard but I wouldn't want to spend more than 5 minutes with the vast majority of them or pretend its anything meaningful.

 

 

Because it isn't as easy for women to get sexual satisfaction. When they find it it's almost impossible to let it go.

 

OP, I don't know what to tell you either. It sounds like you are going to have to break up since he won't quit and you won't accept him the way he is. I can say you may never find that type of chemistry with someone again but; I hope you do. You will have all those other things you desire in a man though and perhaps that will be enough.

[carhill]

I'd love to see if the chemistry was still there and/or if he could sexually satisfy her if he wasn't consistently stoned. I ask the question mindful of what I've seen with alcoholics when they're sober. Their 'aura' can be completely different. The 'connection' is different. This has been consistent across all data points I've chosen to be 'captain save an alky' to. Is it different from a female perspective? IDK. OP, any insight?

[azsinglegal]

I'd love to see if the chemistry was still there and/or if he could sexually satisfy her if he wasn't consistently stoned. I ask the question mindful of what I've seen with alcoholics when they're sober. Their 'aura' can be completely different. The 'connection' is different. This has been consistent across all data points I've chosen to be 'captain save an alky' to. Is it different from a female perspective? IDK. OP, any insight?

 

No, it's not different. My ex that was a pothead was totally different when sober. He had major anger issues, but stoned he was fun and funny.

 

Days he wasn't stoned I didn't like him as much honestly...which is why I broke it off. I want someone I like when they're sober, and I don't agree with the pothead lifestyle. It's just not for me.

 

I had a friend for a LONG time who was a heavy drinker. Off the booze, I have no idea who she is. She's angry, mean, bitter and terrible to be around. I liked her better when she was a drunk.

[eerie_reverie]

As a pothead I feel the need to chime in. What is your problem with his use? Does it turn him into a lazy slob or something?

 

I ask because I feel like pot doesn't doesn't get a fair rep. I have smoked on and off for 8 years, at some point all day long, atari others quoting for months at a time, and I don't feel like there is any change in my personality when I'm high. At least, not enough of a change for friends/ family/ so/ boss/ coworkers to have noticed.

 

Weed helps me relax enough to stay organized and fresh enough to stay motivated. It helped me get through college and half of the best projects I have done at my job might as well have been titled "marijuana". I have studied high, ran a high half-marathon, and attended dozens of concerts I enjoyed a lot more than I would have thanks to my increased ability to understand music on pot.

 

I'm just saying- i understand where yr bf is comin from.

[carhill]

"he's a teacher who wakes and bakes before going to school"

 

 

" I find myself embarrassed to bring him out with friends and family, because he's such a burnout"

 

 

"he tells me he can't consider giving up something he likes so much if he has no assurances I can finally get serious and real with him"

 

 

Does this sound healthy, disregarding entirely the legalities of marijuana use (unknown for the OP but illegal in my state) and the fact that the OP herself 'tokes up a couple times a month' as she put it?

 

That he would use his MJ as a bargaining tool in a relationship speaks greatly to the health of his psychology. Canary, meet coal mine.

[azsinglegal]

As a pothead I feel the need to chime in. What is your problem with his use? Does it turn him into a lazy slob or something?

 

I ask because I feel like pot doesn't doesn't get a fair rep. I have smoked on and off for 8 years, at some point all day long, atari others quoting for months at a time, and I don't feel like there is any change in my personality when I'm high. At least, not enough of a change for friends/ family/ so/ boss/ coworkers to have noticed.

 

Weed helps me relax enough to stay organized and fresh enough to stay motivated. It helped me get through college and half of the best projects I have done at my job might as well have been titled "marijuana". I have studied high, ran a high half-marathon, and attended dozens of concerts I enjoyed a lot more than I would have thanks to my increased ability to understand music on pot.

 

I'm just saying- i understand where yr bf is comin from.

 

No one has noticed any difference because they've never not seen you high. So to everyone else, that's just your personality. BUT....if they were to see you sober and then high, they'd know the difference.

 

I can tell you from someone who's been around pot smokers, I notice a difference even when they're trying to hide their use.

 

I also have friends who do function perfectly fine when stoned. For my ex, he was different when he was high vs sober. He was masking anger issues with pot instead of dealing with them.

 

If you want my honest opinion, I wish pot was legal and alcohol illegal. I've seen more issues happen from drunks then from people who were stoned. And even then I wouldn't want a pot head just like I wouldn't want a drunk either. Allowing a substance to rule your life is my objection, not to pick and choose which one.

Edited December 6, 2011 by azsinglegal

[carhill]

OP, tell us a bit about your relationship history. You're 30 and have been with this man since you were 28 or so. How about in the decade or more prior to that? You've identified this man as the 'pinnacle' of attraction and connection. Let's hear about the more mundane.

[eerie_reverie]

No one has noticed any difference because they've never not seen you high. So to everyone else, that's just your personality. BUT....if they were to see you sober and then high, they'd know the difference.

 

I can tell you from someone who's been around pot smokers, I notice a difference even when they're trying to hide their use.

 

I also have friends who do function perfectly fine when stoned. For my ex, he was different when he was high vs sober. He was masking anger issues with pot instead of dealing with them.

 

If you want my honest opinion, I wish pot was legal and alcohol illegal. I've seen more issues happen from drunks then from people who were stoned. And even then I wouldn't want a pot head just like I wouldn't want a drunk either. Allowing a substance to rule your life is my objection, not to pick and choose which one.

 

They've seen me not high. In the last few years I'm not dependent on it as I once was and frequently go for months without smoking (despite all the perks I am wary of it from a health perspective). I think it affects everybody differently.

[azsinglegal]

They've seen me not high. In the last few years I'm not dependent on it as I once was and frequently go for months without smoking (despite all the perks I am wary of it from a health perspective). I think it affects everybody differently.

 

I believe the OP is saying he can't go without smoking it daily morning/night.

[dasein]

I prefer weed over alcohol as a social drug, but do none of it these days and only infrequent drinking. I've never woken up with a "weed hangover" or regretted something I did the night before due to weed as opposed to tequila. Alcohol was illegal for years, and the people who drank it anyway weren't all evil boozeheads. Illegality would be a relative nonissue for me in dating, every single one of us is a lawbreaker, but understand OP's concerns. Would rather date someone who has a puff in the morning than someone who juices up with 500 or so milligrams of caffeine. Dependence on anything to function is not good, but sometimes I think people buy into government (i.e. big booze and cigs) propaganda about weed a bit too much.

[carhill]

Would it be safe to say that, presuming the man is the OP's age, he's been smoking MJ for a decade or more? I ask because, back in the 70's, friends/acquaintances started up either in junior high or high school and were well-established growers, either for themselves or for sale, by the time they were adults. It sounds like a lifestyle to him, since he's completed his education, received his teaching credential and is employed.

 

A perhaps unremarkable anecdote is one of a young man I had considered my best friend for many years and who had saved my life once, becoming, in junior high, a 'pothead' and gradually splitting ways with myself as he got more into that lifestyle. He was always good with the girls, having Brad Pitt-style looks and, having later lost touch after high school, it would only be years later I would discover him living in a trailer behind the gas station he had worked at since a teenager. Later, when I was caring for my mom at her home, I would see him driving by in his old truck to visit his parents down the street. He kind of stared at me as he drove by when I would wave to him, like he didn't really know who I was. At that point in life, we were both around 50.

 

I'll bet he was far more successful with women than I've been. In life? Different path.

Edited December 6, 2011 by carhill
fixed commas

[Standard-Fare]

Eerie_reverie: Can I ask how old you are?

 

My views toward marijuana have evolved with time. As I said, I was a stoner myself for a while… smoked several times a day from about ages 19-23. I loved it then, esp. in the beginning when it seemed to open up new parts of my mind. But the constant use, and the hassle and expense of procuring it, ended up being unsustainable as I got older, and I started to want and need it less.

 

I’m still mindful of the positive aspects of marijuana and I usually have some sort of stash available. But these days it takes me months to go through an eighth, rather than a couple days, and this seems healthier. I’m already immature for my age, already fairly scatterbrained, and I think my situation would be a lot worse if I had been a steady stoner through my entire 20s until now.

 

With “Stoned Boy,” I didn’t mind his habit so much in the beginning, but eventually it started to irritate and bore me. It’s not that he’s a lazy do-nothing – he works hard at multiple jobs and volunteer roles, and keeps his s**t more or less in order. And though he’s immature, he’s ultimately a sweet guy.

 

But a few firm reasons for my negativity: 1) I don’t agree with or respect the wake-and-bake before teaching students; 2) He’s showing the world an “out-of-it” persona that masks the intelligence he does have. His slooow drawl and occasionally really dumb stoned remarks do embarrass me in public. I’m concerned that if he continues with this pace, his brain will be mush, and he’ll be completely discredited, by the time he’s 40. 3) I’ve found that he’s totally unable to control the addiction. After we’ve had fights about it, I’ve had a couple times catching him smoking on the sly in the bathroom, or whatever. And that level of out-of-control dependency saddens and kind of scares me.

Carhill: You asked about my dating history and I don’t want to get all into that here, but I’ll say that save for one very serious and all-consuming relationship in my late teens/early 20s, I’ve had more short-term dating experiences. Two years is a big deal for me.

 

And I’ve had a few experiences where I’m interested in a cool, nice, smart guy – someone I really mentally click with – yet find that the physical chemistry just doesn’t work for unknown reasons.

 

(Sorry -- I've written a novel here.)

Edited December 6, 2011 by Standard-Fare

[carhill]

So, since you've apparently enjoyed MJ recreationally for a long time, did that all-consuming relationship of a decade or so ago also feature shared MJ use? What I'm looking for is patterns, not to indict but to work out the 'why', both 'why' you have such an intense connection with this man and also 'why', even as an admitted recreational MJ user yourself, you find aspects of his daily use and resultant effects to be deleterious to your vision of this relationship long-term, even though it (the 'connection') is immensely satisfying to you currently.

 

So, having read the thread and reflected upon the responses, what's your plan? What do you see as your path?

[dasein]

I'll bet he was far more successful with women than I've been. In life? Different path.

 

I have similar friends, two guys in Humboldt right now overseeing a harvest they claim is legal (I suspect this isn't the case though, who knows). They are both multimillionaires of late. I do find their behavior odd from time to time, but much preferable to their demeanor on booze and blow from the old days (both are at least five years in recovery).

 

When they were buying into the American Dream, they were annoying, crass, materialistic, superficial, arrogant, paranoid, belligerent, unstable and stinky under the influence of that particular dream. Now, creating their own "green dream," they still stink, but it's patchouli and not the sweat of desperation, and the other noxious traits are long gone.

[carhill]

I have similar friends, two guys in Humboldt right now overseeing a harvest they claim is legal (I suspect this isn't the case though, who knows). They are both multimillionaires of late. I do find their behavior odd from time to time, but much preferable to their demeanor on booze and blow from the old days (both are at least five years in recovery).

LOL, when I recently went for a walk at a friend's cabin up in Weaverville (Trinity County), I could smell the profits in the air. Ah, the sweet aroma of the bud in autumn. I stuck to the road and didn't linger.

 

OP, here's another anecdote.... I recall, when I was a young man, in my 20's, a little kid from two doors down would wander over and watch me work on my race car. He was maybe three at the time. He was always goin' 'whatcha doin' mister?' . Anyway, one day he stopped coming by and I never saw him again. I would later learn from my next door neighbors that his dad had been busted for growing MJ in the backyard and had some 'penalties' to pay. A few decades later, the little boy is a grown man and his parents still live in that same house two doors from the house I now rent out. I wondered, upon hearing that story, would I be a good role model for my son toking up and growing my bud in the backyard? IDK. Everyone's perspective is different.