pigeon1 Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 My husband is still in love with me, but is having trouble being attracted to me. I've put on 20 pounds in the last year and understand how he feels, but I've also quit smoking (something else he hated). I guess my question is - how do I keep my self-esteem up enough to keep going and lose the weight I've gained. We just had a heart to heart tonight, so I know my emotions are a bit scattered right now. But, for me, feeling hopeless and unattractive does NOT help me get to the gym and eat sensibly. How can I distance myself from his words without completely shutting him out emotionally?
pitprincess Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 I am very sorry that he told you that.. To me thats the worst thing a woman could ever hear.. I just wanted to share something with you that may help but I make no promises I am over weight to. But more the 20 lbs but.. 3 weeks ago I weighed 33 lbs more. I stopped drinking all COLAS!!! EVEN DIET! I give up tea with caffeen and went to decaf tea. Give up all sugar... started useing splenda.. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, tuna sandwiche on wheat bread for lunch Dinner I have one meat, one green veg- green beans-salad-spinage one startch-potato with butter- mac & cheese or pea's or corn I have lost almost 10 lbs a week since I started. Im eating right. Weight loss most times is in the mind, make your self want to do it , dont call it a diet. I don't know if this would work for you but its doing mericals for me :)
Shasta Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 I'm sorry that you have to go through that. You shouldn't feel unattractive because you put on a little weight. My best friend put on 50lbs and her fiance is still in love with her and doesn't tell her she's unattractive. But, maybe you could have him help you get back into shape. Ask him to go to a gym with you and have him eat right with you. Try to make it fun for you to loose the weight. More importantly, make sure your loosing the weight for YOURSELF and not for him.
Jacksin Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 My second wife put on 70lbs and despite a life-long membership to Jenny Craig, hiring a treadmill and offering to go for brisk walks with her, she didnt seem interested in losing weight. She said we married for better or worse. I lost interest in her completely so we parted. Jack
pitprincess Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 My husband never has everrrrrr said anything that bad to me as hers did to her. :) He knows what he would have to deal with if he did too! lol Thank god that he never has, he always has told me how pretty I am. I weighed 230 I am 197 right now and still loosing Im proud of my self because I choose this for me...:):)
CurlyIam Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 Hi, there Do you like yourself? Do you feel you're pretty? I'm sure you are. the key to loosing wieght is will. You must want to do this. For yourself.So it is a problem of self motivation not of him not motivating you. It works better if you get angry. Angry at him for telling you, angry at you for putting on weight, angry at him not showing you support. And don't think: I've gotta loose 10 pounds. Think: I have to get inshape. Tou have to go and workyour body to be healthy. To be pleased with you yourself, to love looking in the mirror and trying on new cloths. That's how I know I gain weight. I stop trying out kinky dresses and naughty tops... It has all to do with self esteem and right motivation! It is AALLL your job!
pitprincess Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 A soft break to make a smile :):) I think things like this but have never said it but here goes. lol Get out of bed, look at your self. Say self.... I want to do this!!! Im going to start today! In a month or so maybe two... Im going to slide me on some sharp cloths and priss in front of him and make him eat it up! Dont give him any for a month! lol Tell him when he is really attracted to you that maybe you will be attracted to him again but you lost attraction when he said he wasnt attracted to you... All Jokes aside.. You can do what ever you put your mind to :) If I can do it, TRUST ME ANYONE CAN! We are here for support if you need it. Im always a pm away :)
Karlise13 Posted May 30, 2004 Posted May 30, 2004 You quit smoking?? THat's great! Listen, my best friend quit a two-pack-a-day habit six years ago and that first year she put on 20 extra pounds too. it's a really difficult habit to give up. The first three weeks were HELL for her. Now she's doing great and she says, "You know, 1 chubby year is worth it for a lifetime of being smoke free!" Explain to your husband that many people put on weight when they quit smoking. First of all, food tastes better. Secondly, you still crave that oral satisfaction. Thirdly, your metabolism may be affected when you quit nicotine. The best thing you can do is engage in regular excercise and not worry too much about the food thing for now. Excercise will help decrease stress and also build muscle. Muscle burns more calories than fat tissue, so the more lean you are the more of a food-burning machine you are! I think avoiding sugars is a good idea; try unsweetened oatmeal as another poster suggested, avoid sweetened teas and beverages, avoid soda and junky stuff. Feed your body 'power' foods that are rich in antioxidants, vitamins, minerals and high quality carbs and proteins; sweet potatoes, lowfat dairy products, fish, broccoli, spinach, blueberries (fruit sugar is fine because it comes packaged with other nutrients and lots of fiber), melons, oatmeal, 100% whole wheat bread, bran cereal (low sugar), almonds and walnuts (but limit to 1/2 cup/day since they are very caloric), lentils and other beans, pumpkin, red and orange peppers, tofu, strawberries, etc. I am not fond of the Atkins diet plan as it is too low in fiber and too high in saturated fat and sodium. It's also tough on your kidneys and is not nutritionally balanced (you HAVE to take a vitamin if you are on Atkins) However, I do think the concept of 'low glycemic index' foods is compelling and there is some interesting research on it: You might like reading The Glucose Revolution (still controversial but healthier overall) Also, The South Beach Diet is not terrible. And yes, I 'm a registered dietian by the way! GOOD LUCK AND CONGRATS ON QUITTING THE SMOKES!! YAY!!!
sad and confused Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I had a baby 9 months ago. I am 5'7" and around 150 lbs. I usually weigh about 140-143. He just told me he is not attracted to me anymore. I am so sad, we have a beautiful baby boy and now what? We never have sex anymore and I am thinking about looking for love elsewhere. Does anyone have any suggetion of what I could do if anything. In my mind, a 7-10lbs shouldn't make too much of a difference, it is not like I am not trying to lose it I am just trying to balance my new life as best as I can plus working a full time job. Is this something that can be worked out or should we separate? Help please!!
seahorse Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 sad and confused, First, let me say that a 7-10 pound gain on your height should hardly be noticeable. I really don't think that it is that that is your husband's problem. I'm not an expert here, but I have heard that some men, when their wives have children, and maybe especially if they were present at the birth, suddenly do not see their wives as wives, but as the mother of their child. This screws them up totally in that they then relate not to their wives as wives/lovers, but as the mother of their child, and so untouchable in a sexual way. Maybe they think back to the relationship they had with their own mothers; maybe the sight of the birth, (especially if they were down at the "working end" so to speak) has put them off sexually. Ok, this is all a bit deep, but... Try reading this: it perfectly describes what I mean. http://primal-page.com/madonna.htm especially this bit: "Such fixated sons, some claim, become ardent suitors in adulthood, but when the love object becomes wife and especially mother, unconscious memories of his own abnormally intense relationship with his mother intrude into the relationship. That is when the husband may unconsciously see his wife as his mother and then becomes a reluctant or even impotent lover. " I'm not saying this is his problem, but it seems to me that telling you that a 7-10 pound weight gain is putting him off/making you less fanciable is a crock of ****. And if it isn't, then he is shallow in the extreme. It's not you that needs to lose weight, it's him that needs to get some therapy.
sad and confused Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 Thank you so much, Seahorse! I feel better already. My husband is a jerk and I suppose I need to separate. he is standing right behing me and now he is really turned off b/c he knows my weight. He thinks I am 20 lbs over now! What the heck??? I am live a life of pure hell!!! My husband is definitely the one who is messed up. All I know is I need sex in my life, I am in my early 30's and I am defintely at a peek, ya know. what am I going to do??? Cheat??? that's not me...I guess try talk...if all else fails...I'm going to have to do something drastic... anyway, thanks for the advice! And for lifting my spirits!
seahorse Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 No problem sad and confused, You know what? You had a lovely baby boy for your husband. He is seriously messed up (or very shallow as I said before) if he can't see past a few extra pounds. You need to sit him down, make him read the page I gave you the link to, and ask him if any of that sounds familiar. Tell him to get some help. It's not your problem, it's his. If it will make YOU feel better about yourself, then once your son is a bit older, (I'm not sure if you're nursing him or not, in which case you DEFINITELY can't diet yet) you can lose what you put on; but only if it's for yourself, not for your husband. In any case, I don't feel that you losing weight would fix things. It's your husband seeing you as the mother of his child that has put him off you; I'd bet my last £ on it.
StupidWoman Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 You do know that it is pretty sad that we let our men decide what we should or should not be. Mine feels that I have gained too much weight, and the truth be known I have. The little snide remarks do not help, but only hinder. Should I get encouragement instead of dis-couragement, I feel I would not fail in this task, but it is the little "snide" remarks that hurt ever so much, only makes me feel as he doesn't give a care about me and why should I? And perhaps this is what gives me my out for not losing weight. Who knows. A little encouragement I believe would go a very long ways. But I feel ery sad and very alone, and would someday would like to feel attractive enough. Lord knows, I would love to have sex again before I forget what it is. It's been four years. Thank you so much, Seahorse! I feel better already. My husband is a jerk and I suppose I need to separate. he is standing right behing me and now he is really turned off b/c he knows my weight. He thinks I am 20 lbs over now! What the heck??? I am live a life of pure hell!!! My husband is definitely the one who is messed up. All I know is I need sex in my life, I am in my early 30's and I am defintely at a peek, ya know. what am I going to do??? Cheat??? that's not me...I guess try talk...if all else fails...I'm going to have to do something drastic... anyway, thanks for the advice! And for lifting my spirits!
barrabas Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 great post. dont ever let the man tell you anything. you are woman, hear me roar. and then convince yourself that fat is beautiful and go live your life out by yourself. you all agree that you have put on a "few pounds", whatever that means. men marry women hoping that they wont change---and that includes weight. but that is just about unrealistic as women marrying and wanting a guy to change. men dont mind women gaining a little weight with age, but the operative word is LITTLE. now this is from the time he meets you--if he likes the weight initially, you are home free. just get the will power and lose the weight. it will not only help yourself, but your relationship in general. get him to help you if need be, make him do a little work with you, because after all, its for his benefit also. just dont psychoanalyze it, get this crap of analysis paralysis like many do on here.... just cut the food, increase the exercise, and get it done. thats all it takes. good for you for not smoking, and now you have to stop substituting food for a cancer stick. no excuses.
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