Update: Thank You

[MammaMia]

A few weeks ago I posted about the OW's friend having pulled H aside and whispering to him with me only a few feet away. The thread was under Deeply Hurt.

I received great advice and I cannot thank you all enough. I took it all to heart.

 

FindingNemo:

 

Your response helped me the most when i saw that woman 2 weeks ago. I made her my enemy and ignored her. My whole demeanor showed her that she is the worst kind. She will no longer feel comfortable around me, I will make sure of that. I have already ostracized her and I think she "got" it.

 

For the ones who told me to hold H responsible, yes, they are right and I do hold him as such. He is responsible, but so is she. So is the bimbo....

I do not want to ostracize H because I am working toward reconciliation.

I have talked to H many times about leaving this social group and I have even offered an alternative ( sorry, I cannot go into details) but he wants to remain a member. Down deep I know it is NOT because of the OW, he genuinely enjoys it... but she is a member as well.

 

I am NOT happy about that, but excluding this detail, he has "gotten rid " of the OW entirely. Yes, he sees her once in a while at the meetings but I go to most of them now. I alsoknow he does not interact with her, hen I am not there either.

 

At the end we need to work with what we have. What I have right now is a H who has done all the right things except leave this freaking social club.

 

One of the questions that comes to mind at this point is: when he goes to some meetings by himself, should I ask about it or totally ignore the subject? Pretend I do not care? If he tells me on his own ( and he has been doing that) I will listen otherwise I'll be quiet. What is your opinion. How should I handle this situation?

 

As usual I am looking forward to some great advice.

Thank y'all once more.

[whichwayisup]

What kind of 'social club' is this? Are there other ones he can join?

I see this club always is going to be a sore spot with you.. If you can't go it's always going to be in the back of your head that he might see her, talk to her, or she'll approach him.. Even just being in the same room and looking at eachother.

He needs to quit that club. Part of the consquences of his selfish actions is him having nothing to do with the exOW and the mutual friend that you don't like.

 

Sorry but he knows this too and as much as you trust him and are working together to make things good again THIS WILL be an on going trust issue and eventually get in the way.

 

How often does he go? Once a week, twice a week?

[findingnemo]

I'm glad things are working out for you. Mammamia. Yes, make her your enemy. After all, she declared war on you.

 

Now with regards to your social club. Keep going with your H when you can as long as you feel like it. My view is that you shouldn't worry much about whether your H will see her or talk to her again. He might - but he could be responding to a greeting and nothing else. You should simply tell him that you don't want him having anything to do with her. And that he has one and only one chance left. should you ever find out that he is having another A or engaing with her in a manner that is beyond the polite acknowledgement, there will be consequences. If he tells you about seeing her there, acknowledge that and thank him for being open. Do not ask, though. You've decided to reconcile and he has agreed and is working on your M. Let things flow without fighting future unknown battles.

 

It is never wise to appoint yourself a policeman or woman of your spouse or anybody else or that matter. Live your life. Whatever is done in the dark, shall come out in the light, as they say. If anything happens, you'll find out soon enough.

 

Should you change social clubs? IMO. no. The main problem is that your H broke your wedding vows and you need to get to the root of that. Why did he do it? Was it really about that particular OW? If it was, then changing clubs could work but it wouldn't change how he feels. They don't need the club to keep seeing each other. If the A was about opportunity then no matter which club you're in, the chance of cheating will always exist.

 

Again I'm glad to hear that you are on the offensive. That so called friend is nothing but an enemy in disguise! Good luck.

[MammaMia]

Finding Nemo:

 

Thanks for the response. You make sense in what you say, you leave windows open for people to have a choice. I agree with what you said. Your response came just in time because H will spend next Thursday at a meeting teaching a class. I do not know if she will be there, as this is only for officers... I do not know if she is an officer this year. I will be extremely concerned, but I plan to go out and have a good time and when he comes home I plan not to be here waiting for him as I had done till Dday.

 

Is there a way I can send you a private message or to email you? There are some details I cannot disclose on the forum. If you think you can email me, let me know and I will give you my address. Is there a way for PM?

Thanks again.

[MammaMia]

SadinTexas:

 

I agree with what you say. This social club will always be a thorn unless OW leaves and I do not see it happening any time soon.

 

You asked me if I trust H. Let me answer this with a question directed to you: Do YOU trust your spouse fully after the A?

 

Does any of us ever have blind trust after our spouse's A? I am now a firm believer of : trust but investigate. I listen to what he says, then I watch actions, then I verify, then I trust. Period.

[shayla]

Do you feel it's worth it to have to become a CSI in order to keep your marriage?

 

Do you feel that being a jailer keeps you just as much a prisoner as it does him?

 

I'm asking because many women talk about how their marriages are so great, but have to do this because they no longer trust their husbands, and with good reason.

[findingnemo]

Hi Mamma Mia,

 

I missed your last post. I'm sorry. Yes, you can send me a PM. How are things going now? I find that in life you can only control so much. You can't fully trust your H with good reason but you've decided to stay M. Your approach is good as long as you don't lose yourself playing detective. It's really bad for your self esteem and practically unsustainable. Send me a PM when you can.

[Breezy Trousers]

That's the main problem I see in your situation is that your H is unwilling to give up or compromise with regards to a very critical component of the A. Because he is still operating within that environment, you're being held back to a certain degree from moving past this. And your focus is still largely on the OW and what she might do or try to do when what should really matter is if your H is doing things necessary to rebuild trust in him. Because if you can find faith and trust in him again, you'll see that what other people do is of no consequence. It's hard to get to a point of trusting him again when he's not doing what he should to help you get there (i.e. get out of this damned club). I'm afraid you're going to remain stuck where you are until this changes. I know why you feel the way you do, I just hope that you'll come to see that this club is a major factor in you still being where you are emotionally with all of this.

 

I agree with this. I've been in your situation, MM.

 

Your husband should be going in overdrive showing you he wants this marriage to work. It's not about the OW. It's about the energy your husband is putting out. If he had clear boundaries, no affair would have been possible. You need to trust he is cleaning up his boundaries, and that's hard to do if he keeps putting himself in the path of OW at the meetings which served as a vehicle for the affair.

[MammaMia]

Shayla:

 

I understand what you mean, but I am not a living CSI, nor do I plan to become a PI and investigate whatever he does. Actually I have stopped doing that for sometime now. When I said " trust but investigate" I did not mean I was going to investigate every move he makes. What I meant is that by actions, I would verify that he means what he says and does.

 

" Trust but investigate" (or is it " trust but verify???") is something President Ronald Reagan said. I am a firm believer in this quote.

 

I agree with all the members who said that this freaking club is a thorn in my heart and in my relationship and I also agree with all of you who said that he is not doing enough to leave it. I KNOW THAT.

 

 

FINDING NEMO

 

How can I send you a PM in this forum? Anybody knows how I can send a PM on Loveshack?

[freestyle]

Hey Mamma Mia--

 

As it stands while I write this response, you're about ten posts away from having PM privileges.

 

You need to become an "established member" , which requires having 50 posts in your history here.

 

You might also want to check your profile control panel (look at the top of the screen here) and make sure that your ability to receive private messages is enabled.

 

I also have to say, my heart goes out to you,for what you're going through.

I've had a similar experience with third party interference in my relationship with my SO---It's incredibly frustrating---and you can almost feel---well, ................violated, is the best word I can come up with.

 

I agree with the other posters--your H needs to take a stand, and demonstrate that he is firmly in your corner, and has your back. It's the only way for trust to be re-established. You're NOT overreacting, by being upset about what happened.

[MammaMia]

SadinTexas:

 

I am not dependent on my husband. I am very independent but I have given him 35 years of my life and I am not going to throw in the towel for a pitiful excuse of a human being like the OW. Even H has told me that I am so independent that sometimes it is scary.

 

I am defensive in the fact that H has been doing the right thing 80% of the time. He has read books, I have exploded many times and he listened quietly most of the time, he has had no contact with her, meaning no emails, no phone calls, ( he does not text), no updates on her ( except this one time I mentioned),he is transparent, we have issued a trespass order against her, he is trying the best he knows how, to mention a few. The only thing he is not doing is leaving the club. Am I happy? No. Do I know this is holding me back? Yes, I am not naive.

 

My marriage is OK but it has been better in the past. No marriage is perfect, I never said my M was perfect nor will I ever.

 

I have set boundaries , I have told him that this is his only chance for R and he better not screw up.That is the number one boundary in my book. Yes, he sees her once in a while at meetings but he ignores her. What is the difference between a spouse who stays at the place of work and sees the OP everyday and H staying at this club , has no communication but only sees her once in a while? I know some will say that the job is a necessary evil and this club is a choice. I agree 100%. I repeat: I don't like it but for as long as they do not interact I will tolerate it.

 

I said above that H has done 80% and the other 20% is this freaking club.I am NOT defending him, nor the club, nor the situation. I tell it like it is.

 

Still I feel attacked by you and some of the other posters. This is a place to vent and when I do , some of the posters get a bit out of line. I do get great advice from the posters, but some are borderline hostile and sarcastic.

 

Affairs are complex, so are people. One advice doesn't fit all. Even the experts agree on this ( that's where I got this line from: the experts) In every post there's a lot more to the story than meets the eye. There are details that cannot be revealed for obvious reasons. I want to vent, and get feedback, not hostility and sarcasm at times. Sorry, this is not directed at you, I speak in general. As I said above, " some posters" can be that way.

 

Then there are the posters like Finding Nemo, freestyle, and Breezy trousers , to name a few, who do give advice with some empathy. I owe a lot to these posters.

Thank you everyone.

Overall i thank everyone for their advice, and I have gotten great tips.

[Spark1111]

You know what?

 

You can't be a jailer forever.

 

No, I will never regain the blind trust I had in my spouse, but I refuse to be the warden either.

 

It's just no way to live.

 

My H's A was with a co-worker.

 

I told him if there was accidental contact, or intentional contact on either of their part, and I was not informed immediately, I'd walk.

 

Not that I wanted to --because I loved him and wanted us to work out--but because I would HAVE TO LEAVE to preserve my own sanity.

 

Get busy with YOU. Join your own damn social club. Attend his once in a while when the mood strikes you. Continue to be transparent with each other.

 

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with since DDAY is my H's occasional irrational jealousy of me and my whereabouts.

 

It is called projection, and it is a normal, although annoying, by-product of having an affair. He has created his own insecurity by realizing how easy it is to lie to someone who loves and trusts you.

 

Not my fault. Not my fault at all.

[2sure]

Spark is absolutely correct. At some point in the recovery process you have to get to the point that you are no longer the warden. You have to not want that job and feel that the role is no longer needed. At the same time, any relationship - not just one recovering from infidelity - benefits from transparency. Questions are OK. Always.

 

Triggers were and are for me, the hardest part of Infidelity. But you know, there are triggers that bring back all kinds of difficult moments in life. I have found that when I stumble, I recognize it, and push through.

 

Regarding the social club. Like you, I would prefer he leave it. If only to avoid triggers. If that isnt going to happen...I personally, would become President of the freaking Club. Bet on that.

[MammaMia]

2sure:

 

You made me laugh......thanks soooo much!!!!!!

 

I love the line: I'd be president of the freaking club!!!!!!!!! Great advice IF it were my thing. What they do is not my thing but you know what? I would consider it!!!! The first thing I'd do would be to expel OW and her friend......oh, the dream.......

 

Sadintexas:

 

I understand where you are coming from and I respect it. What I meant to say was that some of your posts as well as of some of the other posters, come across as hostile and sarcastic; the underline meaning being: take my advice or else.

 

I never meant that you or anyone else should not respond to my posts. We can all benefit from all kinds of advice. I hope that you will continue to respond, only please: tone it down a bit and I mean it in a nice way, not to offend.

 

We are all in this "elite" boat together, let's work together as well.

Thanks again everyone.

[2sunny]

What has your H said caused him to cheat? What has he learned... How is he prepared to never do it again?

 

What is he still willing to DO to earn your trust? IF he's not willing to do anything to set things right - he may be leaving the door ajar...

 

Everyone has disagreements... What happens when he goes to that meeting on a day you two disagree... And he's vulnerable and open to starting up with her in that weak moment? What's his plan to keep her completely out of yours lives - even under the worst circumstances? Has he told you what his plan is?

 

Has he dome counseling to find the reason why he was tempted by her?

 

For what it's worth - I don't think it's a good thing he won't chane his meetings in order to give you more peace of mind - he's not doing "everything possible" - his bad behavior (cheating) has consequences! Those consequences are - he doesn't get to play in THAT sandbox with his OW anymore!

 

If he won't do that - he's still being completely selfish!

 

You can let him read this!