Elpis Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Deep breath in…loud scream out! I have been reading these forums for a month now. It has been my desire to join the conversations however, I felt writing up my story should happen first. Since my mind is in a state of confusion, it has taken me until tonight to start typing. Married 29 years. Courtship prior to marriage, 7 years. We are both in our 50’s. Two children, Daughter 22 (Moved out of the family home about a week after D-Day) and Son 21 that lives in an unfinished (No plumbing) shop behind the main house. Both kids know of the affair but not details. D-Day. October 10, 2011 My Husband’s job requires that he spends 2-4 weeks per month in another state. When he is home, we works from the house. The day he was due home, I began cleaning the home office in preparation for his arrival. I found a hotel receipt. On that date, he had told me he was staying at a friend’s. I knew when I compared dates I had found a lie. We began MC the following day. I requested NC with the OW. We both began IC. During the following 2 weeks, I learned the current affair lasted 5 years. I also learned this was his 3rd affair. (The first 2 occurred prior to children.) We are currently at 3 weeks NC. Prior NC attempts were broken by my Husband and the OW. The last contact was an email from her and a reply from my Husband, both of which he sent me copies of. I assisted my Husband in setting filters for trashing email (This is a Google account and specific emails cannot be blocked, only moved directly to trash…where they can be dug out if desired.) My NC agreement includes no trash digging. I have not requested passwords although I may still ask. MC is going well. We ditched the first MC and are on our second. He (Counselor) is very organized in his approach and my Husband and I find this controlled type of exploration fitting but perhaps a bit slow. We are working through, “Getting Past the Affair” by Snyder, on the MC’s recommendation. We also have “Staff Meetings” per his therapy. 2-3 times a week, the WS sets the date/time for the meeting. Calendars are discussed first, and then talk of current mindsets. We have these meetings over the phone if he is out of town. Reconciliation is in progress. When we are together, we both feel calmer. We are able to work on intimacy, friendship and the staff meetings are more effective. We still butt heads when discussing events and behaviors that contributed ill effects to the marriage. He remembers things one way, I another. I find myself on the defensive when I feel he should simply listen and acknowledge we are at odds. Learning how to talk of these things will be the first order of business for our next MC session. I have read of the “Fog.” I know much of what he believes is due to this influence however; he denounces any idea of it. I am waiting, waiting, for him to fall back to reality. There are a great many things that cannot be discussed with someone that has his head in lala land. He has expressed remorse for hurting everyone. Hurt to me, the kids, our extended families and the OW. He has “NO remorse for having the affair.” His words on that. So, I have a Husband that until 2 months ago was involved in an affair lasting 5 years. Two prior affairs but hey…that’s not all. Hubby was a victim of sexual abuse for 5 years via his brother. I knew he had been abused sexually but not that it had lasted 5 years. This was revealed during MC while working on genograms. Truth is, his entire family is a mess. I believe his infidelity is in great part, due to his childhood. He feels he has come to terms with his past and is unsure that it affects adult life. I told him he needs to work on these issues with his IC. I can hear his story, comment and comfort but I cannot advise him in this area. And here I am. Scared. Confused. Loving my Husband yet knowing 3 affairs in the course of a marriage is not a hopeful sign for a future. Right now I am committed to MC and IC. I am in no state to make decisions. The OW lives near me. My community is now a war zone. I am constantly looking over my shoulder for her and I am desperately avoiding running into her. I know her name, where she lives, where she works and that the affair began while she was married. She has been divorced 2 ½ years. Not only does my marriage feel broken, because of her proximity, I feel I have lost my community of 32 years. This is all a major PIA.
jnj express Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 If your H., has been with this woman for 5 yrs., and he is gone from you for half of every month---he did not have a LTA---He had a 2nd mge.---Basically he is a bigamist. Besides his sexual abuse claim of some 40 yrs ago or longer, what else caused him to take a 2nd wife for himself. Were there problems with the mge., or is the time away from you the major culprit. I understand that being in your 50's and probably closer to your 60's, one just does not uproot themselves, and start a new life, on their own. But how are you yourself down deep handling all of this???? As to your H's---complete lack of remorse for the his 2nd mge., that has to change, he has to know and show you that he acknowledges, and is accountable for what he has done If you, yourself, are going to have to be continually in a state of war---due to the proximity of his 2nd wife, and his refusal to acknowledge his wrongful act---then you just may NEED to consider D., for your own self respect. Hard as all of this is, you need to worry about you, and you ALONE at this point---he does not figure into that mix, this is your life, and your future, you are dealing with.
Spark1111 Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Elpis, 5 years is a very long affair and two months since DDAY is not very long at all. It is not unusual for the WS to agree to ANYTHING to retain the status quo. Why? They want it all to go back to the way it was; wife and AP because both women are filling some sort of need. I do not want you to be duped here in believing contact has stopped completely. It takes a few months to decompress from the affair and it's heady feelings, similiar to a drug addiction. But until there is total NC, there cannot be serious reconciliation. I would advise you to avail yourself of a keylogger, a cell phone spy thingy, and a GPS tracking system. Yes, of some expense, but worth your sanity to knowing the truth. Do not tell your H. Then ask for his passwords. My H begged for reconciliation but was still secretly in touch with his OW for about three months. Everytime I discovered contact, I threw him out and told him to go be with his soulmate. I stopped taking his calls. I also told trusted friends and family. I needed a support group too. It was a long hard road to reconciliation, but I had to focus on me and my future, possibly alone. Look, his FOO issues will eventually come to play in his IC, IF he is willing to do the hard work. But unless he grows completely remorseful over his actions, he will never bother to dig that deep. It's too painful and cheaters are conflict-avoidant. They learned it in childhood. And you should not allow his CSA to weaken your resolve to have the type of relationship you deserve. Always remind yourself that cheating is a choice, a terrible one, but a choice nonetheless. Do not allow his childhood to excuse his behavior. It may help explain his poor coping mechanisms, but it does NOT excuse his choice to betray the marriage. Give it all some more time since it seems you want to reconcile, But focus on you and your children and your future, maybe with or without him. And please try to ascertain, by any means available to you, if NC has truly stopped or just gone further underground.
Owl Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 So, I have a Husband that until 2 months ago was involved in an affair lasting 5 years. Two prior affairs but hey…that’s not all. OK...normally I'm pretty "pro-reconciliation". But this one statement here shoots down the likelihood that he's going to change/stop. I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" concept...but I'm absolutely a firm believer that "twice a cheater, always a cheater". This isn't some kind of "mistake" that he's made. It's something that he's knowingly, intentionally done multiple times...for years. This is who he is. You need to take that firmly into account.
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