lilyblue Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Still missing him after he completely vanished without a word in favor of his exwife. I have no idea if they're still together but I miss how much better my life was with him in it. His birthday is tomorrow and while I know that advice will be to ignore it, I can't help but think about it. I feel somewhat calm about it tonight but i think tomorrow mighty be a different story. I think there would be maybe a couple of pros to wishing him happy birthday - getting to express myself and letting him know I miss him. Con would I guess be that I would be initiating something, but is that really so bad? I don't feel like I could feel worse than I already do about the situation anyway. The whole thing just continues to suck. Also, does anyone have good/bad experiences with this?
M2155 Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Do a search, there are a lot of posts on this question of people who did and didn't. If you don't care if he doesn't respond or all he says is "thanks, hope you're doing ok" then it wouldn't be a big deal cause you have no intentions. But I am pretty confident you would end up feeling worse if that's what happens, so the advice would be don't risk it. I didn't wish my ex, it was too soon for me. Maybe next time.
M2155 Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 This is an exerpt from Mimi Tanner blog. A little strong on the topic but a fair perspective. It helped me. "Since this man has completely stopped calling you, do not call him, birthday or no birthday. He will call you if he wants to. Let's put it this way - if you really don't want him back at all, and would not go back with him even if he begged you, then calling him as a friend is really no problem. But if you still care for him romantically, don't call him. When we call the man in question with a 'reason' to see him, that reason can be an excuse to get in touch with him - and birthdays are indeed hard to ignore. After all, we don't want him to think we forgot his birthday - we don't want him to wonder if we're mad - what if he is expecting a gift from us - or - we just want to make that nice gesture of treating him on his birthday. No, no, no. All of the above are how women think when it comes to birthdays - not how men think if they have already called it quits with us!But what if he thinks I'm mad for not saying something to him about his birthday?' many women wonder. Trust me, because he is not thinking that, I promise you. And if for any reason he was thinking that you're mad - it's good. Let him spend his time thinking about whether or not you like him! That's what happens when a man is really crazy about a woman. No man ever left a woman because she ignored HIS birthday - if anything, it can have the exact opposite effect. It sends him the strong message that YOU got HIS message - when he stopped contacting you. And like a person with healthy self-esteem, you moved on! Here's the truth - the guy is not expecting you to honor his birthday. Not at all. Not when he knows that he is not pursuing you. And if that is not bad enough, if you do call him, you will not be able to hide your true feelings and intentions - which are to get him back. You might have been able to hide them under other circumstances, but not if you have remembered the birthday of a guy who is not calling you. It is the same as having a billboard announce that you still have a thing for him. So now that this is out in the open, the result is that he will be more guarded, he is in the catbird seat, and he is feeling very flattered perhaps, but that's not what you want. You don't want him to think that even when he ignores you, he can still expect you to go to special trouble for him!"
Author lilyblue Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Thanks for continuing to reply to me. I guess I don't think he'd reply to me, which is just so strange after what we had together. I'm so easily transported to a fake world where we are still friends - which has been all of our reality up until now. Sometimes my brain doesn't grasp that we aren't and this all feels like a very weird/bad dream. I wish it was and I'd wake up now. I don't understand why we can't be civil. I'm dreading seeing all our mutual friends wish him happy bday tomorrow, thinking he's such a great guy. I know the obvious answer is to delete him from fb, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I felt anxious enough having my brother unfriend him.
M2155 Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Ugg...FB. I considered doing the FB Happy Birthday but they get so lost in all the other 200 impersonal Happy Birthdays so I just didn't. I debated over it too, which only proved I cared too much. If I didn't care about the response though I would have. Now FB was a bigger struggle... I believe 1000% I should have blocked him but I didn't. I was in the let him see how great my life is and I'm not going to show weakness mode, which was stupid. What I should have been in is we're not real friends and why do you deserve to see how great my life is mode. Now blocking him seems silly when I've remained "friends" this long. If you don't block him you MUST stay off his page though! It kept me down (but also reminded me constantly that it was over so I was forced to accept). I took him out of my feed and I haven't looked at his page now in some time and I feel soooooooooo much better (I did have to block his current GF because it was just annoying). He actually went offline for a week which to be honest was a relief. Then when he came back, I haven't bothered looking and don't want to risk ruining my mood. His feed was starting to be annoying to me anyway. I'm going to restrict some things because as I have started to get a life, I think if he ever wants to know how I'm doing, he needs to ask instead of just looking at my page.
Author lilyblue Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 I'm always so glad FB wasn't around when I was a teenager - can you imagine having to deal with all this from the time you were that young? It's hard enough now! I was thinking more the text or email route for happy birthday - although I suppose the fb would look more casual. And like you said, there goes the debate... which probably should be a clue I know. I have partially blocked him, I've blocked him from things I post, even though they are all positive. I figure maybe, just maybe, he sometimes wonders, because I post semi-frequently (less frequently than here though ) I wish I could hide pics our mutual friends post, but even if I blocked him, I would still be in them. He NEVER posts, which is good. Maybe twice a year. I do check his page often, but it very rarely changes. I know that part is not good, but it's the one little window I still have into his life I guess. That and I'm friends with a few of his family members. Congrats on your progress, you sound very strong.
Author lilyblue Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 And already confirmation that they're still together. ugh fb.
Fufu Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 To see his fb profile now will only make you feel more hurt.... than feeling better. They are together and it is going to remain as a fact. Unless you can feel nothing by looking at his profile, then in my opinion the best is to choose not to.
lolita jade Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Can you unfriend him on facebook? That way you wont need to see all the happy birthdays! It will help you to not focus on him so much and if he really cares, he will put out by the fact you have unfriended him. This may have a positive affect??
Author lilyblue Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 I could unfriend him, but I really don't want to. I'm sure he probably wouldn't notice that I unfriended him. He doesn't pay that much attention to facebook. Well, he wouldn't notice today anyway. He might eventually. I kind of feel like I focus on him regardless. The happy birthdays from all the mutual friends just kind of wants to make me tell them what he did to me (only 2 of them know). And I kind of also want to write f*** you on his wall. At least knowing they're together gives me a reason I haven't heard from him. I know this isn't what I should be focusing on, but it makes it easier in some ways, at least for now, to think that he may apologize if it fails between them. Maybe I won't care if/when that day comes, but for now it gives me a little light in the gloom. If they had broken up already and I hadn't heard from him that would be sad too.
Author lilyblue Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Sorry to double post. I just feel so humiliated all over again today. Been crying throughout the whole day. I'm just so hurt.
Fufu Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Why are you torturing yourself? Whether he notices or not you unfriended him is not an issue anymore. Please start focusing on yourself and unfriend him. He's not in your life anymore and you don't have to put someone that had gone into your life. It's not going to work out. Be happy. My mum told me this, the person that truly loves you will not leave you in vain and let you cry alone and feel miserable.
Author lilyblue Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Well that became a moot point. He friended his wife and unfriended me yesterday. Easier said than done to "be happy".
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