Thunderbolt Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I've recently jumped back into the dating scene after many failed attempts, more than I'd care to admit. I met someone who I've really enjoyed spending time with. It's been a really long time since I've felt this connection to someone so early on. We've only been dating for a couple of weeks, but I'm really looking forward to getting to know him better. Usually, I meet someone and rarely make it beyond the first date. If I make it beyond the first date, I typically have to force myself to continue exploring the relationship. Bottom line, I really like this guy and feel like he feels the same way about me. He's already started talking casually about the future -- i.e. restaurants we'll have to check out, an item of his I'm welcome to borrow at the end of the month for an event, a destination I've never been to that he thought would be fun to show me, etc. The problem I'm facing, I've never dated a widower and I have no idea how to treat this relationship. He's been widowed for 2 years. He recently started dating again after taking some time away from it. He admitted that he started dating too soon but now feels like he's finally ready to pursue a meaningful relationship (his words). Is there anyone who could share their experiences with dating a widower? How about one with a very young child? I feel like I'm walking into a very complicated situation. But at the same time, I can't remember the last time I've had such positive feelings so early on for someone. I'm open to ideas and suggestions. I know that most of you are going to tell me to take it slow. I understand this. What other types of insight could you all give me? Thanks.
Seneca Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 What's complicated about it? Widower is just a title. First and foremost, he is a human being. Why not look from that point of view. He has emotions, needs, and wants similar to all rational human beings. Give him and his young child your love. Good luck. :-)
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I'm not sure that you'll find someone with experience with this, but I have almost entered a relationship with a widower myself but did not due to other circumstances. What I learned was she was still very tied up to the past, this person who she felt was the perfect one. It seems easy for them to materialize this person as someone of a saint, they put on a pedestal and kind of praise (internally) as things were cut short before their time and development. This is a concern for me...not because I mind dating someone who was a widower but because the emotional attachment may always linger and unlike a normal relationship where things progressively broke down and ended they just kind of sit still in time, and they tend to harbor that emotion. I however planned on taking it the same way I would any other relationship, it is up to them to give themselves enough time, if they did not then I'm sure ill see things start to come apart at the seams. I wasn't going to make it a big issue or focus, just keep it in the back of my mind...what can you do you know, people die but they move on....hopefully.
Eeyore79 Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 The risk with a widow(er) is that they idealize their previous partner and compare this fantasy to the inevitable problems in your real life relationship. The relationship never came to a natural end, so they will always feel "cheated", and in some cases may feel like you're second choice. Also you're expected to deal with mementoes of their ex, especially for the sake of the child - photos on display etc, which may make you uncomfortable. Plus there's the inevitable crying on anniversaries etc, which can make you feel unloved. In general I'd avoid dating widowers, at least for several years after their bereaevement. They need a lot of time to put their relationship behind them and move on - I don't think a couple of years is anywhere near enough. Tread carefully.
soulm8 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I agree with the previous posters. I also wanted to mention that there are men who "use" a widowed title for attention, online. I dated a "widower" and I finally learned that his estranged wife had in fact committed suicide. Be ware.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Don't ever think or feel like you need or want to replace his deceased wife. Just be you and take things slowly, get to know him and be honest with your concerns. He sounds like an okay guy..Don't assume the worst because others got screwed over or their relationship with widow(er) didn't work out. I say, just enjoy getting to know him and have fun, see where this goes and worry about the 'what ifs and concerns' as they come up..and talk to him about it. Don't rush to meet his child, that has to happen real slow.
Author Thunderbolt Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 Thank you all for your responses, greatly appreciated. I understand that this a specialized type of thread to start. I understand that there's some risk with getting hurt in the future given the parameters of the situation, but I also realize that there's no reward without risk in many aspects of life, including this one. I'm really diggin' this guy and I just need to do my best to take it easy. The feelings seem to be unquestionably mutual. I'm just super scared of getting hurt. Go figure, I've been on countless dates in the past few months and the one I really fall for has a story. I don't mean to treat this like he has a disease. I know he's just trying to move on...like me. Hypothetically, I just can't imagine losing my life partner who I enjoyed being married to and being able to move on after only 2 years.
kaylan Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 How old are you two? And how old is the child? Btw I agree with everything Eeyore79 said. Plus I give you the most gnarly of props(read: lots of credit) for being able to care for this man. Many people would be too afraid to get involved in such a situation. I wish you the best and I can definitely see a nice little family coming together =)
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Thank you all for your responses, greatly appreciated. I understand that this a specialized type of thread to start. I understand that there's some risk with getting hurt in the future given the parameters of the situation, but I also realize that there's no reward without risk in many aspects of life, including this one. I'm really diggin' this guy and I just need to do my best to take it easy. The feelings seem to be unquestionably mutual. I'm just super scared of getting hurt. Go figure, I've been on countless dates in the past few months and the one I really fall for has a story. I don't mean to treat this like he has a disease. I know he's just trying to move on...like me. Hypothetically, I just can't imagine losing my life partner who I enjoyed being married to and being able to move on after only 2 years. If this guy is young and it sounds like he is, as awful and sad as it was for him to lose his wife, why shouldn't he move on with this life? There is no right or wrong here.. I mean, of course it would be odd if he wanted to date like a month or two after his wife passed away, but after 2 years, emotionally he's ready.. It's a big step. Why should he be alone and grieve for years and years? I doubt very much his now deceased wife would want him to not live life. Just be honest with him and let him know your own fears and worries as time goes on and the more comfortable you two get with one another. Anyway, don't judge him for wanting to move on with his life.
Author Thunderbolt Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 I won't judge him for wanting to moving on. I understand what you're trying to convey, whichwayisup. I think I'm just getting too wrapped up in the "what ifs." Thanks for everyone's insight.
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