half way thoughts

[Dblock10]

hey guys , many of you might know a little about my story, but thought i'd update since its been a while, its actually been nice not needing to come here all the time just to feel sane, and in fact my laptop went away and it gave me a little break from Facebook etc, sure i had my phone but it meant not needing to look at other peoples faces in the chat list etc so yeah take a break from fb is great.

 

anyway, my ex has been gone for 3 months or close to it. which means her traveling will end in 3 months! its gone pretty rapidly upon reflection...

 

if we had stayed together id be nearly going out to see her, and i met her around this time last year so its kinda tough but yeah..!

 

anyway, neither of us deleted one another off Facebook, and i have spoken to her online 3 times since she's been away. so thats like once a month.

 

i feel like i have got to a better place, i can sleep, and do stuff and study without feeling horrible about it all and really its becoming more numb if thats a good way of describing it.

 

i have accepted i will never be "happy" about the situation but its happened and thats that.

 

during the conversations she's always sounded interested from hearing from me and asks how my sports are going etc and asked what i am up to over x mas and nye etc, only slightly annoying thing is how she has not once initiated the contact first but thats life.

 

so yeah the situation i am in is that i do care about her still and would like to end up back with her somehow if thats even possible. maybe its not, maybe we will just end up as friends but who knows.

 

so in a way it feels like a bit of a waiting game in terms of waiting for her to return before maybe saying how i still feel for her or what not or before we would actually have a realistic chance of meeting.

 

but its got me thinking.. why don't i just speak to her now and tell her, or drop her a message at x mas wishing her a merry christmas and then adding "miss you" at the end, just to test the waters as it were.

 

you know? i think i miss you is a little bit more heavy than a simple miss you! when we say miss you not i miss you, its like saying love you, rather than i love you. see what i mean?

 

but yeah, wanted to know what people thought in terms of if it was you in my shoes, would you wait until your ex came back to then try and meet up etc and see how things went, or would you just say now to them that you think about them or have thought about them etc (i don't really understand what i would say tbh) but something along the lines of telling them your feelings

 

 

either way i feel i am in a healthy state, place than i was, i joined a team sport, got a good group of friends, a couple who i know i will keep after uni etc.

only time I've felt bad is when i get really drunk and thoughts can run a little wild, so going to avoid doing that for a while.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Dblock10

[Dblock10]

no one? :S

 

i guess i never "tried" as such to get her back which is why i want to now, yet at the same time, she is travelling the world for another 3.5 months... so logic says wait. but then i also don't want to wait and for her to turn around to me and say "i never knew you felt that way" and then to hear she had slept with x amount of guys.

 

i don't know, i know its going to be tough to tell her but then its also tough not... I've not met anyone else despite having some interest, i haven't pursued it because i know i like my ex to much and i don't want to fool myself or hurt others.

 

just need guidance i think.

 

i don't think there is a wrong or right answer really, but maybe just go for it.

 

really don't know what she would say if i asked wether she had thought about me or us whilst she has been away.

Edited December 8, 2011 by Dblock10

[SimonMas]

From reading your post, I think she is just being polite asking you about sports, etc. Furthermore, if I understand correctly from your post, you are the one who initiated contact and not her. Since I read somewhere that the break up was a mutual thing, perhaps you can meet her when she returns? Am I right to assume that you broke up with her because you felt that the traveling and long distance will not work out?

 

If you are curious to see how she feels, continue to have LC with her but don’t go too deep into the conversation like talking about the past and how you feel about her. I think that has already been established and she knows that (but then I may be wrong as I did not read all of your posts). Being away and traveling for 6 months can really test any relationship. Many years ago, I was backpacking in South Asia and met a beautiful girl that I found really attractive. For safety and companionship, we traveled together for the rest of our journey. We became intimate during the trip and have many things in common. We were like a happy couple.

 

On the last night of our trip, we had the most passionate love and romance together. When she snuggled up to me, she had tears in her eyes. I thought it was because of us parting ways after the trip. However she dropped a bombshell saying that she has a fiancee waiting for her in Denmark. This was like her last trip and last fling before she settles down. Those days, computers and cell phones were not common so there was no way for me knowing whether she has a boyfriend or not unless she tells me. She asked me to respect her privacy and not to contact or visit her as she really loves this man. Just imagine that! She told me she intends to be a faithful wife and good mother and this will be her last fling or romance before she settles down. I was not sad but I felt really really bad for her fiancee. I can’t believe she could lead me on like that.

 

I am not saying that the same thing may happen to your gf (ex) but you need to keep that in mind. Six months is a long time to be away and now that she is officially single (and so are you), anything can happen. But if she comes back to you, then I believe your relationship will be much stronger.

[Dblock10]

Thank you for the reply. i think you are right about being polite. yeah i am the one to initiate the contact on each occasion. It was a semi mutual break up. Neither of us knew what to do, but it ended up that she wanted no worries or ties and for us not to try and hold it together and end up falling out by arguments (but by breaking up it would mean we could meet in future and see how things went). and upon reflection even *if we had said lets stay together, 6 months is a long time and no one knows what could happen within that time anyway. so as hard as it was or is, it probably was the right thing

 

at that point though i was prepared to stay with her, i let her know how i felt, she knew id be faithful and that we trusted each other. i think because we had only been together for 6 or so months and she had bad experience with long distance relationships in the past it threw her off. plus she just wanted to have a good time with her best friend on the travel. so ultimately she wanted freedom to travel.

 

i am curious to see how she feels for sure, and i haven't gone deep into conversation about the past etc, after the time we had the final break up discussion i didn't hear from her again, and that was 7 weeks or so before she even left..

 

so i guess for all she knows now, i am perfectly fine carrying on with life, chatting to her now and again.

 

see i have heard stories like yours before, its amazing how people can do that... and that girl you spoke of could have been with this guy for ages. this is why in a way i was hesitant to actually stay in a relationship ( i have never done long distance and find it hard ) and she has never travelled the world.

 

Yeah i will keep a realistic head on of course. and six months is a long time apart for any relationship esp given these circumstances. just down to bad timing for us. the fact i started uni as she was leaving etc.

 

so really from what i have read the best chance at reconciliation is to keep a level head on, stay in LC and don't bring up the relationship or past. getting your ex back won't come from bring up all these things, but will come from showing them how you are mature enough to deal with life and that you will be there for them.

 

i agree that when she comes back if she comes back to me then the relationship will be stronger, however i would find it hard to let go if she has slept around. also she won't be coming back to the area i currently live in. she will go home which is 3 hours from here, then most likely save up over summer and go off to do something else.

 

which makes my rationale want to just tell her my feelings for her and almost get it out the way, but does it work like that...

 

advice welcome

[smudge21]

I thought we'd already been through this and you'd already told her in the past how you felt... but we also established she didn't care and decided to live her life without you in it. Any contact she's made since then has just been polite and any contact you make now will just feed her ego and send out the signal that you're waiting for her. Remember what I said about respect playing a major part in relationships - well, you think she'd have any for you if she knew you were still waiting for her, thinking of contacting her, missing her, hoping that she'll come back...?

 

You say you're okay and doing better, yet your post seems to be a repeat of all your other posts, saying the same things about how you feel about her and how you want to stay in contact; how you hope she comes back and you can just be friends or see where it leads. You've been saying this since the beginning so I would suggest that you aren't as healed as you like to think you are. Therefore any contact you make now, will only hurt you in the long run.

 

I know I'm sounding harsh here, but I can detect so much hope in your posts and it's not going away. You're still overthinking every little detail, wondering if you say this, will she say that... etc etc. You still pine for her as much as you always did and I would suggest you haven't really moved on at all. You've definitely not healed and therefore you're definitely not in a good place to be in contact with her. Just ask yourself if you're ready to meet her new boyfriend? If the thought of that just hurt for a slight moment then you are not ready to be in contact or be her friend.

 

Hope you understand where I'm coming from by saying all this, as you know my situation very well. Hope is a terrible thing to cling on to but it is also very easy to do so as it means we don't have to deal with reality, we don't have to accept that loss.

[Dblock10]

I told her this about 4 months ago. I told her i had fallen for her, I told her (the last time I saw her) that I was always serious about us and the relationship, she implied that she was also. I let her know how I didn't want it to come between us, but she was certain about being single and that there wasn't much point in being an item when we couldn't see each other and that she couldn't promise me anything upon return in terms of her where abouts.

 

since then its been 4 months, with about 3-4 fb chat conversations. so she doesn't at this point know i still think about her that way.

 

she did care i don't doubt she didn't care, i think she was just unsure and wanting to break free from uni stresses etc and based on what she learnt about LDR was that they tend not to work out esp given that she was going around the world for that long and that i am at university, i wasn't 100% sure what to do either at the time, and based on that we had been together for about 6 months we hadn't been together for a long time, or long enough for it not to be such a massive issue. I didn't want to be dumped whilst she was away or for it to fall apart so i had to grit my teeth and do what "was for the best" i listened to all my close friends and they all said the same thing, it appeared she didn't care.

 

She donated money for the charity event i did, if she didn't care i doubt she would have gone out her way to transfer some money to that. now I'm not saying thats directly caring about me as such but fact is its polite and caring in itself and linked to me.

 

maybe she didn't, maybe she did. either way what has happened has happened. that cannot be changed. what can be changed now however is in my hands. but wether it will change things that will actually make me happy is another question.

 

I am doing better i actually know i am, sure i miss her but blocking it all from my memory isn't going to help either. she hasn't got into a relationship with anyone else as far as I'm aware or I'm sure i would have heard something by now based on the amount of mutual fb friends i have with her.

 

sure its a repeat of all the other posts more or less, my feelings haven't changed and i don't doubt that they will anytime soon, i accept that. I don't hope we will be friends and see what happens when she is back, i know we will be friends and i know that will happen. i don't doubt i will meet her.

 

i spoke to her the other night and mentioned my friend in aus invited me out and that she should meet me, she didn't say no. she said that would be cool!

 

at the end of the day how can i not be hopeful, given that it was a mutual break up and we don't hate one another, it was just bad timing and circumstances. i don't really worry if i say x that she says y, what i worry about or think a lot about is whether to tell her that i still care.. and to see if she feels remotely the same. but then logic tells me that its not an ideal time to do so since she is still travelling for 3 months.

[fallenheart]

You were surprised no one replied to this? Really? I started to reply but I figured why bother...you never read what I or any of the other posters here say. You're just waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear, that she loves you and she's coming back.

 

She's not. You haven't seen her or had a real conversation with her in 8 months. You only dated for 7 months. She left you, it was not "mutual." She moved on a lifetime ago. You are in complete denial. There is no second chance for her, cause she never wanted one.

 

Anyway, ignore my rational advice like you always do and wait for a poster that hasn't read your previous threads to come along and tell you to "hang in there and she'll be back." You obviously have no intention of ever letting go or ever even attempting to move on. Have fun being single and miserable for the rest of your life as she continues to enjoy her life and LIVE.

[smudge21]

Fallenheart speaks the harsh truth. You should re-read their message over and over again until it sinks in, but I feel you'll only reply with some "yeah buts..." and more excuses as to why you have to stay in touch.

 

Let me ask one thing: out of all this contact you've had since she dumped you, how much of it has been initiated by her and how much of it has been about getting back together and her really really missing you and desperate to see you?

 

Relationships are 50/50 or at least should be, yet it's only you that is doing the work and trying desperately to cling on to something that has long gone. The more you hold on and come running whenever she pops up to say hi, the less respect she has for you, if she indeed has any left by now.

 

Maybe you should go out and see her - maybe a taste of reality might make you see what the rest of us can clearly see. You're not healing, you haven't even tried to heal, you're still saying the exact same things in every post you make and when you get advice like Fallen's above, you chose to ignore it and post more reasons on why you can't just walk away or can't go NC etc etc.

 

People come here for help... but the truth is they only ever really help themselves. All they get here is advice and guidance, it's up to them how they use it.

[Dblock10]

I do read what you say and yeah it hurts. i don't like being beaten, i don't like giving up on people who i care about.. do you not feel the same?

 

of course i wouldn't be able to see her, she is travelling.... she did not leave me, well she did, but i knew from the start this is what she would be doing. Why would there be no room for second chance once she is back? she isn't getting married, she is coming back, etc.

 

she has or had no clue what will be the situation once she is back hence part of the reason to break up. no one knows the future. there shouldn't be a reason why we couldn't see one another once she is back..

 

Its not good enough for me to deleted her from my life and say "thats that" the end. i think if you do that you never grow or learn as a person how to deal with life. you are just pushing it under the carpet and not dealing with the root. your just scratching at the surface trying to cover it up.

 

she didn't cheat on me, we didn't hate each other. so why the hate?

 

Ok basically all contact has been started by me but I've not smothered her. and none of the conversation has been about getting back together or missing me etc. you can't get an ex back by being clingy or a drama monster, you have to keep a level head and be a better person.

 

even if i deleted her from fb or what ever, what will that change.. nothing. id still think about her, id still miss her, id still wonder wether i will ever hear from her again she would still be travelling. its too painful. I've done it before and it was the worst thing i ever went through.

 

i am happy for her, i am glad she is having a good time, why would i want to hurt her by disappearing, looking immature and unable to handle my emotions.. in the long run we all move on, we all get stronger, and when i get to that point when ever that will be, i will think o well that was a bit stupid to delete her it would be quite nice to have a chat now and again just to see how she is.

 

like my main ex, i feel a bit stupid that we never spoke since and that it had to be that way. when i am 100% over her.

 

I can't afford to go out to see her and if she actually wanted to then I'm sure she would have asked by now or chased up when i mentioned my friend in aus.

 

taste of reality? what can everyone else clearly see? i have healed and i am healing i actually know i am. its not that i give reasons to avoid NC or that i am being ignorant, its that i don't see the point.

 

you could argue that then i am missing the point, but i have done the whole nc thing before and removed them from my life. it was a long horrible process that took an age to get over. i don't want to go down that path again.

[fallenheart]

I do read what you say and yeah it hurts. i don't like being beaten, i don't like giving up on people who i care about.. do you not feel the same?

 

I'd rather face reality and accept the loss rather than stick my head in the sand and lie to myself. Sometimes you're beaten! Sometimes you simply can't win....accept it and get up and try harder next time. But this girl moved on! She's gone! You can care about her all you want but you'll find the relationship ultimately one-sided.

 

Why would there be no room for second chance once she is back? she isn't getting married, she is coming back, etc.

 

Because this girl has made it clear she doesn't want a second chance. She moved on ages ago. The brief relationship you guys had is just a faded memory to her now and she's doing much more exciting things with her life. You think after traveling the world and meeting so many new people she's just going to come back to exactly where she was when she left and pick up right there? As if she hasn't changed at all? You've said before she isn't coming back to school. Why would she? She's going to do something else...moving FORWARD. You are the past...you are backwards for her...why would she want to move backwards?

 

Its not good enough for me to deleted her from my life and say "thats that" the end. i think if you do that you never grow or learn as a person how to deal with life. you are just pushing it under the carpet and not dealing with the root. your just scratching at the surface trying to cover it up.

 

So by clinging on to the corpse of this long dead relationship, how are growing as a person and learning how to deal with life? You're not! You are stagnant. You are in complete denial. Go back and read your posts...they are all interchangeable. Everyone here has given you the same advice based on the facts you've given us about the situation. You refuse to accept it. You think you can "will" her back somehow. You can't. That's not dealing with life, that's denial. Dealing with it would be deleting her and any evidence of her from your life and MOVING ON like a man!

 

i am happy for her, i am glad she is having a good time, why would i want to hurt her by disappearing, looking immature and unable to handle my emotions..

 

As much as you'd like to think she spends time in her day thinking about you...she doesn't If she wanted to talk to you, she would. If she wanted to text you, she would. You made it clear a long time ago to her that SHE has all the power in this relationship. All she ever has to do is pick up the phone or send a text and you'll come running. She knows this. But she hasn't contacted you in 8 months without you prodding her first. NOT ONCE. What does that tell you? It means she no longer cares about you or what's going on in your life. You can't possibly hurt her. And she doesn't care how mature or immature you are, nor does she care about your emotions. I'm sorry, but that's how it is. She hasn't been your girlfriend for a very long time...longer than you were even together.

 

I can't afford to go out to see her and if she actually wanted to then I'm sure she would have asked by now or chased up when i mentioned my friend in aus.

 

 

Right. Just like if she had wanted to say hello to you she would have. But she didn't.

 

taste of reality? what can everyone else clearly see? i have healed and i am healing i actually know i am. its not that i give reasons to avoid NC or that i am being ignorant, its that i don't see the point.

 

you could argue that then i am missing the point, but i have done the whole nc thing before and removed them from my life. it was a long horrible process that took an age to get over. i don't want to go down that path again.

 

What we see clearly is that you are obsessed over a dead relationship that has zero chance of ever coming back. You haven't healed at all because you refuse to. You are in complete denial about the reality of the situation and you are still scheming and hoping and praying that she'll come back. You think you can somehow achieve this by your actions but you can't. All you CAN do is decide to get over her, but you are incapable of that at this point. Your posts now are as needy and desperate as they were before she even went on the trip.

 

Yeah, NC sucks. It sucks for ALL of us. But we do it cause we actually want to feel better and move on and live our lives. You love being miserable too much to try to help yourself. I've said all this before and so have others. And you've ignored it cause you think somehow you're right and we're wrong and she still loves you and will come back. You're counting down days on a calendar to a reunion that's never going to happen. I've done it too when I was younger and in denial. I guess it's just frustrating cause you've got a lot of support here but you ignore it. So don't be surprised in a month or two when you post again about how you can't wait to see her again but you don't understand why she isn't replying to your messages if nobody bothers to reply to your posts.

[smudge21]

I really can't fault Fallenheart's post at all. Perfectly put and a lot of it affects me too.

 

As you well know D-Block, I've been where you are... in some ways, I am still there with that occasional hope. I too find it hard to accept that something so great came to an end and is gone forever.

 

The hardest part of moving on is indeed the whole moving on part, especially when you still love someone, but to devote your life to someone who doesn't care is just crazy.

 

I told you before the hardest pain I ever felt was in remaining friends with my ex and then finding out about her engagement and wedding. All the while I was remaining friends I was actually holding out hope that by doing so, things would go back to how they were. But they never did. I should've walked away the moment it ended as by staying around I gave her what she wanted - me in her life still but only as a friend. She had no reason to take me back as I was still there. Yours also has no reason to take you back as in reality you have never left. You've always been there and still are.

 

If you could give us one time that she has shown you that she wants you back, then maybe we'll see this as you do. On my side, I've had the texts, phone calls, emails and FB friend request from her, all initiated by her, but sadly even though I know I still mean a lot to her, it's not enough to get her back. I know that. I could very easily see her, but it would only ever be as a friend... which I do not want.

 

You really are heading for more hurt and we're trying to help, but it seems the only way you're going to find this out is to experience it. I wish you well.

[intheEvent]

Hey Dblock,

 

Nice to see you on the board again (well sorta, hope everything is well on your end). I always like to see how you are doing because we are going through a similar situation. I want to preface that I only skimmed the thread, but I did read your last post in detail.

 

I think smudge has some truth, and you shouldn't try to defend yourself anymore. You are not over her, and you are not completely healed. Yes, you are moving forward with life regardless of her, and that is the next step.

This is where there is conflict. Loveshack promotes full healing. The fact that you still want to end up with her means that you want to tread limbo for awhile, and while most here will say this is not the way to go .... i disagree.

 

You've acknowledged that you want her back, that's great ... the problem is that this puts you in a state of mind that is terrible for getting her back. Reflect on your actions, and you will see that you are giving too much of yourself to her. It's alright to have emotions about her and to think about her on your own time (loving does not make you weak, if you love without hurting yourself) ... but to force yourself onto her is not okay. If she truly was meant for you, even you could ruin it by calling her too much, and not letting her think about you. Attraction could be ruined by being needy and too present. Even true loves break when two people know nothing but each other. Give yourself some time to reflect. And hell, if it helps you ... tell yourself that you are giving her some breathing room ... cause I promise you that she needs it.

 

I myself stay off of Loveshack ... not because I am healed, but because I am stubborn. I do not agree with all the NC rules. I've done them myself and lost some great people in my life. Burning bridges is not my style. I believe all relationships are different, and that you need to learn to trust your gut and intuition. And if you are like me, then you need to learn how to tread these waters, because it's a lot of work to wait on someone. If you want my method ... I actually use NC when I need it for myself, even if I want the other person back. Practice enough, and you will learn how to use it effectively, so that the next time you talk to her, you aren't a desperate hound for the bacon ... instead, you are your charming, natural self.

 

When I feel that everything is on track again, and I've stabilized, I open up low contact. In my situation, I called once and didn't even get an answer, but I let her know in a voicemail, that I miss her and that I hope she is still smiling.

 

She contacts me with breadcrumbs a month later (Mind you this is 4 months broken up, and 2 months of silence from her). When I spoke to her, it was obvious she wasn't over me, but it was also obvious that she didn't know it or care to fill me in. In that month though, I continued my coping, and confidence building (this doesn't mean I forgot about her ... just kept myself busy). I even became aware that I didn't need anyone in my life for that matter ... made myself okay to be alone.

 

Present day ... she continues with bread crumbs ... this time, I actually hold some of my dignity because she's the one that texts me, asking if she could call me. She asks me if I could talk her to sleep. She asks me if I want to watch youtube videos with her in unison. Though this all continues ... even a movie phone "date", I still can't help but feel that she is just testing the waters ... even though she is the one that dropped me. breadcrumbs. (If you get here, just continue LC, and let her make all the moves)

 

Don't play cool, just have some dignity, and be yourself buddy. I promise everything will work out ... maybe not the way we want ... but honestly, we get a pretty experienced journey out of it.