guess i am jealous, i don't know.

[Ellie1980]

My guy, D, and I have been trying to give it another shot after a year plus break.

 

We had a very bad end of the prior relationship and while I would LIKE to be over what happened, I am having a hard time due to some trust and anxiety issues.

 

Basic story is he had an ex who he broke up with me and went back to. they have a child together and ex was always trying to break us up because she wanted him back. she eventually got to us by escalating situations, constant harrassement and abusing their kid to the point my guy felt the quickest way to stop the abuse was to go back for a while. he did, it's sorted out and now we are trying again.

 

this brings us to the situation i am troubled by:

 

D plays a game. i also play it, but I am not with the group of people he is playing with. sometimes I play with him, but not with them. one of the people he has been playing with is a girl, Karen. she is married but hangs out a lot with this other guy, who she is NOT married to. the other guy was first the person D was playing with, then Karen was tagging along, so now she is around a lot.

 

complicated sounded, sorry, bear with me please.

 

so there is forum for this game. my guy practically lives there. so she joins the forum and is "following him". She "friends" him. It isn't like FB where you accept or decline. the default setting is accept. so she shows up as a friend.

 

i have been somewhat sensitive to her being around, insecure I guess because of what happened in the past. I am trying to put it behind me, so I consciously was making effort to be very respectful to D's right to have friends, even if they are girls. So far, up to now, I have been fine with it.

 

For some reason, Karen is bothering me.

 

So D and I discuss this. He says ok, he will take a break from playing the game. He takes a week or so off and removed Karen as his "friend" on the forum. I will say, I very much appreciate his efforts, at the same time, I am not happy to impose on him, even though to be honest, I prefer he has nothing to do with Karen.

 

So after a bit of upheaval and sorting things, he goes back to the game, playing with this other guy and occasionally Karen. I am dealing, telling myself not to worry, that I am just sensitive and insecure.

 

To be clear: I don't feel I have a right to tell D not to be friends with Karen. At the same time, something about her is bothering me and I really just want him NOT to be around her. She did tell D that I shouldn't worry. I guess she felt I was not very talkative with her when I met her a while back and she rightly guessed my discomfort.

 

Anyway, today, I see she has re-friended him.

 

It's really bothering me. It is bothering me enough that I am getting upset. D has other women friends and I am not bothered by them. Karen bothers me.

 

I told D I don't like it and that I prefer he not be friends with her. His response is nothing is going on so don't worry. He can see though that I am very upset about it and he can see that it has caused significant problems between us in the past 2 weeks.

 

Am I being over sensitive, if so, please advise some ways to deal with it productively.

 

Also, it is HER following him and HER re-friending him after she was removed. I am a little baffled that she would re-friend him when she knows he removed her.

[foralittlerespect]

I don't know you or your guy, but that was a LOT for you to put up with to be with someone. You gave things a second chance and chose to trust him again, even though he hurt you. That said, it is totally understandable that you would have these feelings of apprehension about his hanging around female types (more specifically, the married woman he hangs out with that rubs you the wrong way.)

 

It also sounds like he understands where you are coming from (at least somewhat) and has put in an effort to give you some peace of mind (even if the girl re-friended him.) However, it is a bit bothersome to me that his response when discussing Karen is to assure you there’s nothing going on. I would like to see him try to understand YOUR feelings more rather than clear his own name (even if there’s nothing going on).

 

I also applaud your realization that you have “no right” to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, even if they are girls. I struggle with this too (see previous post…) I think there is a fundamental difference between him hanging out with girls that have the same hobbies as his other friends and looking to girls for attention/emotional intimacy (again, see previous post).

 

Listen to your intuition, and take care of yourself at every step. If something bothers you, say so. If he seems to be getting too much female attention from someone who makes you uncomfortable, say so. Since you are the one that had your trust violated, he can only expect that he is going to have to reassure you a bit more after you learned how to trust him again.

 

Good luck!

[Ellie1980]

thanx, I appreciate the validation.

I am struggling on a variety of fronts, here.

He feels I should simply trust him. but.. the situation is aggrivating. I know he can't help that she re-friended him. He can remove her and block her, but that adds some confrontation to things that I know he is not liking. He would prefer to ignore her and for me to calm down.

 

I realize I may be sounding ridiculous, but I honestly am very upset. We have not had this sort of issue before. He is VERY respectful of my friendships. I have never let him down on crossing lines and when people have tried, I have cut off the friendships. I have also cut off friendships with people who are negative at him ( rude, talking down about him to me, saying things to him that are nasty ) Right or wrong, I feel protective of him and his feelings.

 

I have not talked to him today. I did write him and he knows I am upset. I don't expect a response from him until later this evening, since he is busy elsewhere. I guess I must be pretty upset because I have reacted very strongly and showed some anger towards him. I guess I am pretty frustrated to have tried to put aside the past issues then so quickly get challenged on this with this situation.

 

Am I out of line for simply wanting a clear space around us without Karen or people like her for the time being so he and I can re-cover?

 

Already he has been impatient with me over this. Honestly, though, I am about ready to give up on him, because I am doubting more and more that I have capacity to handle this right now. Walking away is not what I want, but I mainly think that more damage will happen if I don't.

 

Is that making sense...

[foralittlerespect]

So you have cut friendships for him and the sake of your relationship? Does he ask you to do this, or did you just end the friendships of your own accord? If the former is true, then you've got something to worry about. If he is asking you to change who your friends are for him and he is not giving you the same respect, I'd say that's a big issue. But, if the latter is true, he may not understand how you have been cutting out friendships out of respect for HIM. Have you talked to him about what you posted most recently? All you can do is express what your needs are (namely, the need for assurance and your need for him to cut down on friendships with women who aren't YOU!) I think that's reasonable, especially given what you've been through. One useful tool for communicating (in my experience) is to keep the focus on yourself. Don't speculate, and don't jump to conclusions. Focus on your feelings, and his response to your hurt feelings about all of this should tell you if he is a man that is really devoted to you and cares about you, or if this situation is just too much for you to handle emotionally in which case it might be time for you to move on and find someone who is more considerate of your feelings.

[foralittlerespect]

Wait - his ANSWER to someone abusing his own kid was NOT trying to REMOVE his child from the abuser by filing a petition with the courts or a lawyer for custody? Seriously? His answer, instead, was to go BACK to her?

 

Either this is one of the BIGGEST lies ever told so you wouldn't be mad at him for going back to his ex, or this guy is NOT a standup father at ALL. Shame on him for EITHER choice.

 

Very, very well said. And I wholeheartedly agree. If abuse was involved, and he went BACK to her to "save" the kid, BIG RED FLAG.

[shayla]

Okay, I was just gonna let that lie fly over because I just KNEW that she knew it was a lie but just accepted it to have the man in her life.

 

The insecurity that comes after taking someone back is a big reason why second chances don't work in many cases.

 

It's basically becoming an unpaid CSI, and for what?

Take that energy, use it on yourself, and find a man that cares about protecting his relationship.

[Ellie1980]

I will address some of the concerns expressed to me.

 

No, he has not once asked me to cut friendships. Essentially the "friends" were male friends who wanted to be MORE than friends. What happened was they began to be disrespectful to my guy. That is, speaking nastily of him, being confrontive towards him ( read, attempting to start a physical fight) and I ended up be cornered a few times and berated over my relationship.

 

When these things happened, I ended the friendships. It seems appropriate to me.

 

I am new here, so I understand that there is a lot of pertinent information that I haven't given.

 

I am an American living in Moscow. He is Russian. His former partner comes from a well to do family. The Russian legal system is in a process of development and has not caught up to Western standards. Getting the child away without a massive damaging fight at that time was not possible. And I didn't like the situation at all, but I respect that a child takes priority.

 

What he did, at that time, was his choice, based upon his own assessment of the situation. The matter took a while to sort back out, and he and I are back on track.

 

It is true that I do have some insecurities and we are trying to work through them.

 

The current situation moved very quickly with regards to this girl in the last couple of days. He is not, as far as I know, ending being on good terms with her, but he has addressed the matter with me in a way that I feel is satisfactory. He made clear to everyone that his priority is with me .

 

current matter is resolved, thanks for your comments.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Ellie1980

[stillafool]

OP, if Karen is married, told your man to tell you not to worry about her, is not being inappropriate with him, what exactly about her that bothers you? Is she really goodlooking?

[Ellie1980]

I think Karen IS being innapropriate with him. She is a little too "on". For example, he has removed her twice from his page on the forums and she has put him back on twice more. The third time, he set his page to approve friends and has apparantly been ignoring her request to be added.

 

I feel ambiguous. I want to respect his space and his judgement.. and he appears pretty much disinterested in her. I guess my back is up because if she was not qualifying everything with I'M MARRIED, I would normally think she was making a serious play for my guy.

 

Additionally, I am worried about the situation being a challenge for me in the future, because I do think he will continue to play the game, and she is clearly gravitating towards him when he plays and she is there. I am not comfortable with it.

 

What can I do, except trust my guy?

 

I want to say this, I have never felt this sort of reaction in myself before. For example, prior to this, I had a long term relationship and my ex had loads of good women friends. They called all the time and it never really bothered me. One lady came and stayed with us on weekends every once in a while. I was ok with it.

[Space Ritual]

Ellie,

 

Sorry this is happening to you. Not only are you in the process of reconciling but this game business has appeared as well.

 

I think although you say crisis has been averted, you know it is just on holiday until the next time he wants to go play. I highly doubt he will be so quick to flub her off if she is pursuing him. Guys like that attention too, regardless of where they live. I don't think it is over by any chance. Of course you have choices.

 

You can choose to see how this goes with all his assurances you have nothing to fear... all the while your gut will be tied up in knots any time he goes out...you will be wondering what is going on, you will be searching for any nugget you can hold on to, be it good or bad.

 

You can choose to put your foot down, and I know you don't like that idea as you feel you have no right to tell your BF who he sees. HOWEVER...when both parties are fully understanding of how upsetting this is to you and she has reappeared like Rasputin, knowing what problems this has already created in the near past sometimes a knock off that fence is needed. Always remember he has a child too so his baby's mama will always be in your life as long as you are with him so that will always be added stress on top of the "gaming friend".

 

I frankly do not see this turning out well...I think there si much more to this...just my opinion...but trust your gut...