Veryconfused12345 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Ok, really need some feedback/advice on this. My ex has just come back into my life saying he loves me and misses me terribly. He feels that he made a mistake and read my signals wrong. I would normally be thrilled and welcome him back instantly but... In the 2 months that we've been apart (me desperetly wanting to fix things and him finding different excuses for why he still loves me but couldn't be with me) he admitted to me that he has been dating/sleeping with someone in the last month. Technically we weren't together although absolutely not my choice and I am devastated about this. I feel to be honest, that he has cheated on me. I did expect to spend the rest of my life with him and would have forgiven pretty much anything less than this. What would other people do in this situation? I must admit that the whole nc wasn't working, I was pining after him for months, and I still continue to love him very very much. Please help, I feel terribly lost right now...
twinkles Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Just take things slow. Make sure that you really want him back. If you don't think you have what it takes to forgive him it just may not be worth it. You have to be able to truly forgive him or everytime you have an argument you'll bring up the past. You will sabotage the relationship if you don't let those feelings of mistrust go. What's more important to you your ego or the man you love? You were broken up at the time so both of you were allowed to do whatever you wanted.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Thanks so much for the response! You're right in the sense that technically we weren't together so we were both free agents to do whatever we want. However, both of us are (well, were) very old fashioned about sex and all my ex every told me was that he'd have to love someone completely before he was willing to sleep with them. With 4 weeks he's sleeping with a new partner. I suspect this was one of those cases of grass is greener, etc etc. and when he stopped and looked around he realized he just sacrificed his fiance and a life together. He would never be the type of peson I would think capable of this. This doesn't even feel like my life right now. I would love to forgive him. I also know that as one of the regular posters on this site, I was always slightly envious of anyone who wrote "my ex came back!" and thought if I were in that position, I would accept him back in a heartbeat. But from the other side of things, to not know what is going on with your ex is slightly more of a blessing in disguise...
twinkles Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Basically, it sounds like you have lost respect for him. You don't see him as the man he used to be. You feel somewhat betrayed. These are things that are really hard to recapture. Only you know if you can deal with this and only he can work hard to get this all back from you. If you see him really put in an effort to make things right by you then maybe it would be worth forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes. I don't know anything about your relationship but if it had been long term loving relationship it may be worth trying again. In a situation like this only time will tell and only you can decide.
wilsonx Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Listen to yourself, if you have all these insecurities, then don't do it. Realistically its not going to work. One of the words I want to change in this thread is the word forgiveness. I've used it a lot and there's a better term that would be more appropriate in this situation. The term I like more is acceptance. You accept the person for who they are, not their actions. You are hurting and rightfully so its really tough and its ok to be hurt. Honestly, if I was you, I wouldnt until you can honestly understand the word acceptance and how it applies to you and able to accept him as a person and let the past be in the past.
lolita jade Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 All of us are human. We do make stupid mistakes and then we learn big time and realise we could of lost something so precious. I separated from my husband as we were in such a rut, I then realised I wanted him so much, became needy, pathetic, begged etc and pushed him away. You sometimes need the distance to learn. I you do want things to work. You need some very frank talking, plan where things went wrong, take it very very very slowly and keep the magic alive. I don't just mean sex but fun days and nights out/ holidays and laughing. When we take eachother for granted is when negative reactions may occur. One thing you cannot do is hold him in a prison sentence by bringing it up ever you need to move forward but like I said it needs a frank talk and that doesn't mean him just saying yes to everything to get you back.
EgoJoe Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 You need to heal completely first. Also, winter is approaching. Don't be his winter cuddle. Tell him this, "I loved you with everything I had and you still chose to break up with me. I will get back to you when I am willing to talk. Please don't contact me until I reach out, thanks." Let him feel the burn, get your head right AND make sure you're not a rebound for his rebound so he can have arm candy for the holidays.
lolita jade Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 didnt think of that situ. he realises he wants to be with you for the holidays. that comforting feeling of years before maybe?
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Hey guys, I'd be so crushed if it was a rebound from a rebound. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. I'm kind of at this major impasse where I feel I have been really hurt when he dumped me and don't want to be the back up plan when he realizes it wasn't what he expected with the other relationship. Is there any way to tell whether his feelings are sincere? I really trusted this guy and he seems to be pretty cut up about it but what if I'm being manipulated?
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Ok, so today is even worse. I spent the entirety of my day sobbing hysterically. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm having a very rough time in terms of maybe losing my job right now and all I want is to run to him and have him take care of me right now. I have never felt so vulnerable and although I know in theory it's not right what he did, in actuallity I desperetly need him....
leoc1973 Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 ok the question is did he leave you originally for this other girl? if not then go back to him! He probably needed to get something out of his system and now he wants you. With sex though take it slow until you are ready! If he loves you he will understand and don't let him just use you for sex. Everyone is worth at least one second chance. Cheating tho.. no!
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Hi there, No, he didn't leave her for me...I don't think? He felt that I wasn't sure about him so he thought he was doing the best thing for us both, even though I told him he was wonderful and didn't want our relationship to end. He seems to know he made a mistake. He wants to make it work. But if you guys were in my shoes would it be possible for you to forgive him? I feel like it's not even cheating or not, it's lack of loyalty and ability to trust... I really could use someone to turn to though, I'm not sure if I weren't so vulnerable would I run back?
Lonely-lulu Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) I had a similar situation, my ex broke up with me after 4 1/2 years because he felt he needed to concentrate on his career and that wasn't fair on me, so he did it 'for both of us'. Whilst we were apart for 3 months I was devastated and sought support from a man who capitalized on my vulnerability. He however just got on with his life and slept with this girl who'd been following him around for a while. He came back said he loved me and didn't want to not have me in his life. We got back together but this girl continued to follow him around. Every time I saw her I got more angry inside that he wasn't looking for comfort when he slept with her, he was looking for a cheap thrill. It magnified my insecurities but I dealt with it and didn't make a fuss. One night when I was drunk it all came flooding out and I cried and he tried to reassure me. Anyway long story short, we were back together for a year and he has just ended the relationship again for the same reasons as before, it hurts just as much if not more second time around and the truth is I could never really cope with the thought that he was so ready to just sleep with anyone who offered it. I know it seems like a double standard because I slept with someone too but I literally couldn't cope and this person saw that and took the opportunity to get what he wanted. I know just how good it feels when they come back but I'm also currently living with the pain of when they leave again. Think really carefully x Edited December 7, 2011 by Lonely-lulu
lolita jade Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 When it comes to someone you deeply love. No amount of advice will change what you are going to do. Just take things very very very cautiously and take all the positive advice into the relationship again if that is what you want. You do need to know he has learnt that he is madly in love with you. If you think it will fail. It probably will.
M2155 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I have never felt so vulnerable and although I know in theory it's not right what he did, in actuallity I desperetly need him.... This is the absolute wrong time/reason to get back together. If he wasn't a part of your life you wouldn't be desperately needing him. I'm not opposed to talking to him and taking it slooooowwwww IF you think you can trust him again, but don't do it when or because you are feeling vunerable. Take care of yourself first so you can hopefully make a wiser and more logical decision.
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