lolita jade Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Just spoke to my ex of 25 years marriage. He has another woman. It was about servicing my car. He called me. We were talkng ok and about the stuff we were both doing and what we were doing on the run up to Christmas. The tone in his voice was hard though, didn't laugh at anything slightly humorous and was quite eager to get off phone after a while. I was chatty, polite and didn't say anything to annoy him or pry. Forgive me for being dumb but do you think he is. Pis*ed off with me Awkward talking to me Hates me or just hacked off by the situation. Or all of the above. He is very cold towards me since OW.
Berlington Bob Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 He's trying to distance himself emotionally from you. It's nothing you did and it's not him being mad at you or pissed off, he's just not letting himself talk to you like an SO in hopes that he won't miss you or feel sad after he hangs up. I did the same thing with my ex when I spoke to her a few weeks ago.
twinkles Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Lolita. I'd say awkward. His wall was up. Glad you talked to him. It'll get easier.
Author lolita jade Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Bob and twinks, So you both think his guard was up. The thing is. I ask him if he was ok as he was quiet and he started to verge towards being snappy. So I knew it was time to go. The thing is I did commit the cardinal sin of asking if he wanted a Christmas drink as I wouldnt see him over Christmas just as we have known eachother 25 yrs. He said he would let me know as he is busy next week but he didn't say no. He keeps himself very busy all the time so not an excuse. He maybe didn't want to say a harsh 'no' though to hurt my feelings. He did say at the end he would contact me about my car and going out for a drink. He is very stubborn though so don't know if I will hear from him again about the drink. At this point it is the friendship I want not the relatonship. I find it very hard to be someones best friend one minute and then nothing. However, like somebody said it is easier when you loose an actual friend after a long time.
twinkles Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 You know what Lolita who cares if you asked him for a drink. It's what you wanted to do and if it's something you wanted to do you have every right. Don't regret it. Don't offer excuses for him. It was a heartfelt invitation. That's all you have to consider. Stop walking on eggshells around him. You are so past that. You put forward the offer out there (your choice) if he takes it (his choice) Don't question the outcome. Either way you will be fine.
Berlington Bob Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Agreed, there's nothing wrong with asking him to have a drink with you. It would seem to me that if he got snappy after that it was probably because he was struggling to stay emotionless. That's how I reacted after my ex started wanting to see me under the guise of seeing my dog. Not that you are wanting anything other than a drink but it still seems to be the same reaction to me. Worst thing to do is to dwell on it. Like Twinkles said, if he accepts he accepts if not, oh well.
Author lolita jade Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Bob and twinks, Yes done with eggshells. He has no right over me to tell me how to act or what to say. He was off when I asked him if he was okay when he was quiet and trying to get off phone, not when i asked him for a drink. I just wish he would stop being so stubborn.
Berlington Bob Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 He was off when I asked him if he was okay when he was quiet and trying to get off phone, not when i asked him for a drink. Right. sorry sometimes I dont read things carefully. In that case, yeah, when you asked him that he felt emotion about to come out. Remember you were the one he would tell about how he felt for 25 years so it's tough for him to keep from wearing his emotions on his sleeve in front of you. And I don't care how much someone might not seem to be emotional, if you are with someone for that long and it ends for whatever reason there's going to be a bunch of emotion.
twinkles Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Hi Lolita, My remarks were in reference to the fact that you thought you committed the cardinal sin in asking him for a drink..not the getting off the phone thing. Him wanting to get off the phone with you probably stems from his feelings of guilt. I'm sure he doesn't feel good about what he did to you and hearing your voice probably reminds him of that. Just play it out and see what happens.
Author lolita jade Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Bob and twinks, I wasnt getting at you not reading it right I know that he keeps himself busy as that is the way he deals with things. Head in sand. I think he has some thing he is trying to ignore. I think he only sees his OW twice a wk or so due to him working eves and her kids. I think therefore, that he wont realise his GIGS for ages as it wont be affecting his life that much. He is a real stubborn head I know that. BTW, How are you two getting on with your ex's contact?
twinkles Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Hi Lolita, I saw him at work over the weekend and it was pleasant enough. I'm feeling alot better these days. I admit that I still miss him but you know you can't dwell. I don't have any anger or bad feelings towards him. It is what it is. When he told me about the new girl I just said to him..Ok you made your choice and there's nothing I can do about it. I said aw that's too bad I really thought we were good together. What can you say to someone when they say that to you. You have to let them do what they want to do. I don't like to be told what to do when I make a choice so for me to beg and plead with him would only make me a hypocrite. I'm free to make my choices and I give you the freedom to make yours. I truly live by that. I think I recover better than most because I've been through enough of these situations. Been proposed to, been engaged, been dumped, have dumped so I know what I'm up against...haven't been married though. I think that because I have an intense fear of death and an intense joy to live it just makes everything easier. All I know is that at this moment my heart is beating..what tomorrow brings I don't know but I sure look forward to it.
Berlington Bob Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Glad you seem to be handling this break of NC on his part well. BTW, How are you two getting on with your ex's contact? Funny you should ask, the other night I watched the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love and the first half was nice as it pertains to our situations. Well especially yours. It's about a married couple of 25 years believe it or not and the wife cheats on the husband and wants a divorce because she says if she cheated on him it's obviously not working out... Which is EXACTLY what my ex said to me as the main reason she didn't want to stop seeing the guy. Anyway, the first half of the movie is about the guy getting back on his feet and making himself more attractive which I liked but the ending, without giving too much away, is about fighting for your soulmate. (he jumps out of a moving car instead of fighting for the marriage). This got some gears turning in my head and even though I might/probably will regret it I'm thinking about seeing her for 30 minutes or so to try and judge if she regrets what she did. My thinking (probably an oxymoron in our situation) is that I would rather get hurt and backslide a few weeks than not know if we might have worked it out somehow and maybe she just doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't think there's a chance. I know this goes against ALL advice I've read on here and ALL logic but it's something that i've been at least thinking about. Ok, I want to say now that I have actually wrote the above down and had a chance to read it, that looks like a horrible idea... Glad you asked Lolita, I think I would have seen her had I not gotten a chance to see what a leap backwards I was about to make. It would never work long term now, I can never trust her again. Plus it's finals week next week and the last thing I need is distraction while studying and taking finals. You should watch that movie I mentioned above though, it's pretty good and fits your situation fairly well. Just dont believe the happy ending would be very likely to happen like I almost did..
Author lolita jade Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Is that the one where Julia Roberts goes travelling? I have heard about that film. i will have to catch it. you should watch ' 10' with Dudley Moore. an old funny film about mid life crisis and GIGS but a good lesson in life. You are young enough to move on with relative ease Bob and use it as a learning curb. You are right I think to 'interview' her but expect all the reactions spoken about on here. let us know howyou get on. Twinks, You have always been so positive. I have dipped back and fourth a little but you are an inspiration and are sooo right in what you say. At leaset we know one thing. We will be ready when we find new love and it wont be GIGS lol
Author lolita jade Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Julia Roberts film is called Eat, pray, love about a woman in a failing relationship goes travelling and finds herself again. Sound like all films a good watch. Also try Flashbacks of a fool with Daniel Craig. Another good life lesson, especially if you are a man.
Berlington Bob Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Is that the one where Julia Roberts goes travelling? I have heard about that film. i will have to catch it. It's got Steve Carell in it. Think it came out this summer or last winter sometime. Only $.99 on Amazon to rent it. Thanks for the encouragement. LS is nice in that it's the only place I know where everyone is going through a tough time like me and the support helps a lot.
Author lolita jade Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 Bob please see my post just before yours. I must of hit reply just before you. Oh I suppose, way to go is back into my no contact zone now and hold out
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