Was it worth it?

[myuser]

I don't know how to begin summarizing the past 4 years.

 

I guess I should start with the essence every broken heart lurking around here starts with.. She was everything to me, literally. A gigantic piece of my heart, soul and mind. Being with her made my life much easier, happier, and her love had excited in me the better traits of my personality. She drove me to get better, be a better man, and stood behind my inspirations

I can't describe her presence in my life, objectively speaking, as other than best friend and passionate lover.

We were so fitting, chemically bonded. Even her parents said one kind has found the other. We have always understood each other. We would lay down in bed, do nothing but hug each other out, touch with caring, and talk about our most private concerns and wishes. She constantly reminded me of myself and used to ease every troubles I had in life..

All the hardships of my military service and mental stress have gone away.

We were always texting each other. Had someone forgotten to send a GN message, it wouldn't be left unnoticed.

She gave the words "love", "hug", "kiss", "relationship" (the list goes on) meanings I haven't ever experienced before and thought of as a movie's cliche.

Never thought I had such capacity to love with all my heart, that these feelings could reside in me.

We've known since high school. Basically, we've grown into each other's arms.

 

We've broke up 3 times during the past 4 years. First after high school, because we wanted to experience something different, and not shy ourselves from the world.

Second, during my military service, because I didn't fell it was right in that period of time.

 

After that breakup , we'd always fight. Never knowing what the other feels like followed by unwillingness to expose any emotions, so one side wouldn't be deeply hurt by the other. One would say it was a status quo - built to keep our friendship alive, in spite of being held by a breaking thread.

Almost one year after the 2nd breakup, during the 3rd year of service, we chose set up a meeting, approximately 6 months after last I've seen her.

The meeting was intense, but in a good way, a loving way.. like there was a field of electromagnetism charged with longing and love.

 

Right before we got into my car, I asked her "don't take this the wrong way, but could I hug you?"

You might be asking yourself why I've chosen to start the aforementioned sentence with another paragraph. That's people, because this hug broke all hell loose.

We hugged there for like 20 minutes, afraid to let go. The occurring stimulation following that hug's closeness, would put serotonin-based drugs and heroine to shame.

The feeling was so intense, I felt that ground's dissolving beneath me. For a moment, we were a singular entity, sharing the same feelings and emotions, through what physical / mental bond, that I do not know..

It was closely followed by months of anticipation, addictiveness and euphoric feelings, too obscured to describe.

 

Those were the best 5 months of my life and the peak of our relationship.

 

Thereafter, it has gone to waste.

She sought for a drastic change in her life. She didn't feel that good about herself. She has started going to therapy, held extreme dietetic lifestyle. She was so depressed, sought for something bigger in her life, sought her dream, her purpose.

During which- we stopped being so close to each other, we stopped dating (diet), we stopped having sex because she was embarrassed to confess it's hurting her (about that I was informed in the breakup)

I tried to initiate and set things in motion, but I didn't manage.

 

I have continually asked her- do you want to fix our relationship? do you see me in your life as your boyfriend and partner ?

She'd just nod and say I mean the world to her.

 

I was too afraid to dump her. After a fight, we haven't spoken for a whole day. Next day on, she went to work. I asked if she could stop by my place later on.

She called me after she'd finished work, saying I mustn't be angry with her because she wouldn't come. I have persisted, than she said "we weren't meant for each other"

And that was when I have lost her.......

 

We met and announced it officially couple days later, I was a wreck. Haven't eaten for couple of days. Then- it just flew by me. Like nothing's happened.

 

Now, it has been 6 months since the breakup. I stopped talking to her right after the breakup, and told her that currently she's not a positive influence in my life.

I haven't been feeling very depressed , but as of late, she always comes to my mind.

On one hand, I try to convince myself that this is final. No way I'd rationally enter this business with her again - for god's sake, three breakups! She's too childish, closed, and two faced

On the other hand, my heart's been transmitting the same feelings I had before we got back together - feelings of longing, hope, and an awkward sensation of "there is still a future for us".

 

In two weeks I'm going to leave the country and start my studies abroad. She has no clue about this plan.

That's where the dilemma gnaws at me - should I contact her, even by email and just be interested very briefly about her life? Should I wait till my B/D and see if she contacts me (3 months)? or should I, in either cases, just ignore her presence?

 

When is this terrible sensation of "everything is possible, just wait and hope" gonna end?

I've been rationally fighting against it, but it won't succumb ...

 

I haven't lost merely a girlfriend, but a close friend, best mate.

It has taken me 6 months to acknowledge the fact I'm broken, and beneath all the masks, the foundations of my soul are hurting, badly

 

I don't want her completely back in my life, but I don't know how to digest this feeling someone has just cut out .. whom I loved more than myself

 

I guess I just want to check up on her.. and see, if it was worth it.

Because no one, that I'm sure of, would make her feel like I've used to when she was in her right senses..

 

Thanks for reading guys.

Edited December 5, 2011 by myuser

[BoredAgain]

If you're still feeling so raw about the whole thing, then you shouldn't contact her. Will stirring up these emotions really help either of you heal from this break-up?

 

You write that she is "too childish, closed, and two face" which means that you understand the relationship isn't good for you on an intellectual level. But, as is so common the case in these situations, you haven't gotten there yet on an emotional level. That just takes time.

 

You say it's been about 6 months of No Contact? That's really great. I imagine that you've long passed the worst of this. You're moving abroad for awhile, so I imagine the geographical distance and all the new people will help too.

[Chi townD]

I'm going to steal a statement from Dodger, but I think you'll understand the meaning.

 

You two are broken up. She broke it off with you. So, she fired you. Now, if you got fired from a job, do you contact your old employer telling them you are leaving the country? Doesn't make sense does it. Because they probably won't care less about what you're doing. You're not assoicated with them anymore.

 

That's how you have to look at it.

[myuser]

If you're still feeling so raw about the whole thing, then you shouldn't contact her. Will stirring up these emotions really help either of you heal from this break-up?

 

You write that she is "too childish, closed, and two face" which means that you understand the relationship isn't good for you on an intellectual level. But, as is so common the case in these situations, you haven't gotten there yet on an emotional level. That just takes time.

 

You say it's been about 6 months of No Contact? That's really great. I imagine that you've long passed the worst of this. You're moving abroad for awhile, so I imagine the geographical distance and all the new people will help too.

 

Hey BoredAgain - that's for taking the time to answer.

 

It's amazing. I've been out of contact with her for the past 6 months, completely. No Facebook, texts or phone calls. She tried to contact me once but I totally ignored it, without any remorse.

Also, I haven't been feeling anything extreme and emotional post breakup. Like it flew right past me.

 

Having said that- I guess that in due time, having lost someone so dear to me (not particularly romantically wise) and long term separation has evoked this.

Also, because I'm going for a long period of time, these feelings of separation from family members and close friends have boosted this kind of 'yearning'.

 

For me, these few days before departing are some kind of a closure. That's why it bothers me, because we haven't really had a decent closure, appropriate one.

Although I'm quite certain I'll have lots on my mind it wouldn't bother me as much, I still feel the urge to finish this complicated matter..

 

Question is-If I don't do it now, would the same assertiveness to finish it off rise again when I come home?

Is there a right time for this?

[myuser]

I'm going to steal a statement from Dodger, but I think you'll understand the meaning.

 

You two are broken up. She broke it off with you. So, she fired you. Now, if you got fired from a job, do you contact your old employer telling them you are leaving the country? Doesn't make sense does it. Because they probably won't care less about what you're doing. You're not assoicated with them anymore.

 

That's how you have to look at it.

 

That's harsh, but wise..

 

Problem is there're many ways to look at it.. far too many

 

Added: Also, it's not about me and my departure. It's about her and getting a clearer picture and state of mind.. As if my condition is irrelevant..

Edited December 5, 2011 by myuser

[twinkles]

I'd say go ahead and call her. You are leaving town there is nothing to lose.

 

If I want to do something I do it but then again I'm fearless.. are you?

 

I could live with the outcome either way..can you?

 

No harm, no foul.

[myuser]

I'd say go ahead and call her. You are leaving town there is nothing to lose.

 

If I want to do something I do it but then again I'm fearless.. are you?

 

I could live with the outcome either way..can you?

 

No harm, no foul.

 

Outcome?

Whether I'd like it or not - there is only one way to find out, and no option other than facing it.

 

I'm trying to figure if this urge is an emotional whim, or a rational intent to clarify this issue.

Sometimes there's no reason to engage in, and if contacting her would make things quirky and painful, well, it would deem this whole idea as foolish and unnecessary.

 

That's why I'm here, to understand if there's profit in this course of action, or the contrary.

In other words, if such contact would bear some rational and emotional fruits, or nothing happens if not additional heartache.

 

It's more like- if there is even a reason to consider it in the first place..