Reasons for affairs?

[nofool4u]

Yep that's usually the time when cheaters 'realise' their mistake, especially if the new wife is younger, prettier and more intelligent than they are. Which almost invariably they are.

 

Exactly, cheaters want to get theirs on with strange people, but don't want to see their spouse with someone else.

[standtall]

OP, this is the betrayed person forum. If you want real answers, go to the OM/OW forum...they lurk over there since they get bashed over here. The answers here are likely what the betrayed person "thinks" is the reason they were cheated on..this is not always the real reason.

[KathyM]

No, if she thought fidelity was unnecessary she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Cheaters know fidelity is a part of marriage (unless they are swingers and agree to it), but they cheat anyway.

 

True, she should not have gotten married if she was not committed to absolute fidelity. Unfortunately, a lot of people still do get married even though they have the mindset that fidelity is not that important, or they consider it not necessary. While there are some people who marry with every intention to remain faithful for life and somewhere along the line they go astray, there are also many people who enter marriage without having the mindset that they must remain faithful in their marriage. It sounds to me, from the OP's post, that she is entertaining the idea of having an affair, and that fidelity is not important or necessary to maintain in order to keep her marriage.

 

And if she TRULY doesn't think fidelity is necessary, then she can share her thoughts and desires of wanting to spread em to another man with her husband then, can't she?

 

She wouldn't want to share those thoughts, since she probably realizes he would have a problem with it. I don't think she should share those thoughts. No good can come from that. I think she should evaluate her marriage, her values, and her priorities, and give some thought into what she would be jeopardizing and what she would be giving up if she were to indulge in her desires.

 

 

 

 

If it isn't important to them, and it should be acceptable, then there isn't any reason to hide it from the spouse.

Fidelity may not be so important to her, and I'm guessing she must not feel strongly that it is important if she is entertaining thoughts of cheating, but it is most likely important to her spouse. Very few men are willing to share their wives with some other guy willingly.

[2long]

OP, this is the betrayed person forum. If you want real answers, go to the OM/OW forum...

 

What's a "real answer" from the perspective of an OM/OW? One that won't create a complete mess from what is merely a bit of confusion at this point for the OP?

 

they lurk over there since they get bashed over here. The answers here are likely what the betrayed person "thinks" is the reason they were cheated on..this is not always the real reason.

 

There are reasons and rationalizations for all kinds of things, including cheating. There are no justifications for cheating, though.

 

-ol' 2long

[Mr_Confused]

 

There are no justifications for cheating, though.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Where would you like to start?

 

Let's make one up....

 

How about a woman who is physically and verbally abused, lacks the financial resources to leave else place her child and herself in a homeless situation. Suppose a co-worker is aware and tries to assist her in seeking free therapy and a start in a homeless shelter, helps her start anew, a savior he is indeed? What if she develops an emotional attachment to him, they continue to talk as she struggles through it, she leans on him for support, emotional fulfillment, and to find the courage and strength to leave. Elsewhere we define this as an EA - she is a cheater.

 

I just start painting the world, and people, it's best to use a thin brush so you can be somewhat careful where you draw the lines.

[2long]

Where would you like to start?

 

Let's make one up....

 

How about a woman who is physically and verbally abused, lacks the financial resources to leave else place her child and herself in a homeless situation. Suppose a co-worker is aware and tries to assist her in seeking free therapy and a start in a homeless shelter, helps her start anew, a savior he is indeed? What if she develops an emotional attachment to him, they continue to talk as she struggles through it, she leans on him for support, emotional fulfillment, and to find the courage and strength to leave. Elsewhere we define this as an EA - she is a cheater.

 

I just start painting the world, and people, it's best to use a thin brush so you can be somewhat careful where you draw the lines.

 

Sounds like a lot of good explanations for how a particular type of affair could get started.

 

No justification in there though.

 

-ol' 2long

[standtall]

 

 

 

There are reasons and rationalizations for all kinds of things, including cheating. There are no justifications for cheating, though.

 

-ol' 2long

 

What are you talking about? I said nothing about rationalizing anything..I just directed the OP to a forum that is obviously posted to by the people he wants the opinion from, the cheaters. Go argue with and lecture someone else.

[2long]

What are you talking about? I said nothing about rationalizing anything..I just directed the OP to a forum that is obviously posted to by the people he wants the opinion from, the cheaters. Go argue with and lecture someone else.

 

Now, lets not get our bowels in an uproar!

 

The OP is female, BTW.

 

-ol' 2long

[Space Ritual]

people cheat because they have terrible coping skills so as opposed to tackling an issue head on or taking resolute action, it it always the path of least resistance to use some marriage issue as a justification and pray they don't get caught...but generally they do in time...either by their spouse or their conscience...

[Mr_Confused]

people cheat because they have terrible coping skills so as opposed to tackling an issue head on or taking resolute action, it it always the path of least resistance to use some marriage issue as a justification and pray they don't get caught...but generally they do in time...either by their spouse or their conscience...

 

This is pretty insightful and applicable to me. I guess the only thing I would say a little differently is that I did try - and I failed. It was like trying to tango with an unwilling partner - it does take two...

 

I know there are types of affair - mine would be an "exit affair". To me it's just a way to make my life tolerable while conditions improve so an affair is less impacting to my child, my wife, and myself.

 

I could have let a few years ago, but my daughter was ~10 and very reliant on us (more so than at 14), and the 2008 financial crisis has us in a terrible position. I don't think my affair is justified - but I also don't think divorcing to pursue happiness would have seemed any more honorable if i left each us in a bad financial position, disrupted my child's life, and occurred at a time my daughter was less equipped to handle it emotionally.

 

I guess the best thing for me was to accept the loveless/sexless marriage for another 5 years, be a great father, save money, and leave with my integrity and not compromise my morals. I was weak, I craved attention, human touch, affection, etc. - I understand it. Even with the wisdom of hindsight however, I just don't think I am the type of person that can go years and years without intimacy. I don't think that will change so all I can do going forward is not get in the same situation - thankfully I will never have kids again, probably wouldn't get married, and manage finances such that I am better positioned to handle a recession/depression.

[Severely Unamused]

I guess the best thing for me was to accept the loveless/sexless marriage for another 5 years, be a great father, save money, and leave with my integrity and not compromise my morals. I was weak, I craved attention, human touch, affection, etc. - I understand it. Even with the wisdom of hindsight however, I just don't think I am the type of person that can go years and years without intimacy.

Neglect is up there with cheating in my book. I see no moral failure for simply wanting love and affection after going years without.

 

IMO when I think about the morals and ethics of your situation, I largely think that you could've been more upfront with your extramarital relationship. The fact that you felt the need to lie was where your moral failure rests.

 

There are no justifications for cheating

It is possible to justify anything in one's mind. It's more a question of whether or not your SO agrees with your justification. Edited December 9, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[2long]

It is possible to justify anything in one's mind. It's more a question of whether or not your SO agrees with your justification.

 

Which is why I used the word rationalization instead of justification in the case of cheating. It's usually done 2 make the cheater feel better about the choice 2 cheat.

 

Ac2ally, my W had said that she tried everything 2 get through 2 me about her problems when her affair started, but that I was 2 stubborn and wouldn't listen or give her the affection or attention that she needed. She even had told me that she was attracted 2 someone else, but she never said who (someone she worked with every day who was also married, but had never been faithful). I tried 2 "help" her avoid an affair, but in those days nobody had heard the term "emotional affair". It didn't matter, though, that I said "so long as there's no sex it's not an affair", because the physical affair started very soon after that conversation.

 

I can accept that my W had 2 rationalize why she had the affair 2 hang on2 her sanity and avoid suicidal thoughts over it (which it failed 2 do, except briefly). But it was never justified, except perhaps in her strangely constructed world view that I wasn't privy 2.

 

-ol' 2long

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm not looking for excuses or justification, I want to know, what are the more common, and even less common "reasons" people have affairs.

 

I am in a great relationship, married, with children, happily in love. We have great sex regularly and I feel after a decade we are stronger together than ever. What I can't figure out is why I am so very attracted to another man, and why I feel that I won't be able to suppress those feelings for the rest of my life. I have no desire to destroy my family and all of the great things we have.

 

I would imagine I need some therapy or counselling to get to the root of my problem, there is obviously some underlying issues that I am not completely aware of. I mean, there has to be a reason why my mind wanders to this otehr man the way it does. It would be so much easier for me to accept and understand and hopefully deal with more appropriately if I just knew where it was all coming from.

 

Everyone here has given great advice.

 

I was in your situation -- happy marriage, great life, and sudden inappropriate attraction. I understand your confusion. It's painful.

 

Do therapy. Find someone with some experience with infidelity.

 

Reading about affairs on the OW/OM forum -- and sharing my feelings -- proved to be a very cathartic, too. Most OW/OM are in great pain, not great joy. They have lots of experience, strength and hope to offer you.

 

Read Susan Cheever's book, "Desire."

 

Increasing awareness is the only way out of this, and NO CONTACT is the only way to go.

[MammaMia]

Unless we are dealing with a philanderer, no one goes out looking for someone to cheat on the spouse. It just happens. Like the other poster said, the opportunity presents itself and the WS takes advantage of it.

 

Situations with coworkers are not obvious from the start. They meet, talk about work very innocently and it goes from there. By the time they realize what has been happening, most times it is too late. The damage has been done. By the time you reach bottom of this slippery slope, lives and marriages have been destroyed.

[Mr_Confused]

Unless we are dealing with a philanderer, no one goes out looking for someone to cheat on the spouse. It just happens. Like the other poster said, the opportunity presents itself and the WS takes advantage of it.

 

Situations with coworkers are not obvious from the start. They meet, talk about work very innocently and it goes from there. By the time they realize what has been happening, most times it is too late. The damage has been done. By the time you reach bottom of this slippery slope, lives and marriages have been destroyed.

 

BINGO!!!

 

Where is the line for infidelity?

 

Someone smiles at you and you smile back cause it feels nice.

Share an interesting conversation.

Some tells you that you look nice today - and it's welcomed cause your spouse never makes you feel that way.

Someone finds you intriguing and it's enjoyed.

 

These are the innocent acts that often initiate an affair.

 

It's a slippery slope indeed. Few people intend to end up where there do in an affair. Rarer is the one night stand than the affair that evolved from something relatively innocent into something that is everything but innocent. The progression is incremental and each step only a small deviation from where you've already been.

 

Nobody is justified in their affair, but it is easier to lambast the WS than recognize the progression that led to the WS's affair. It's wise to recognize this so you because a lot can be done to avoid being subjected to one again. Affairs are terribly destructive but there are a lot of contributing factors - ultimately is a selfish inconsiderate act - but much can be done to eliminate the circumstance that lead many people cross that line.

 

Some people are chronic cheaters - but I don't think that is how the majority of affairs occur.

[JustK]

People cheat because they don't have the will power to remember it's wrong and they don't have the character to remember that it is hurting someone they claim to love. So, they are selfish, weak and forgetful.

That's why.

[Mr_Confused]

People cheat because they don't have the will power to remember it's wrong and they don't have the character to remember that it is hurting someone they claim to love. So, they are selfish, weak and forgetful.

That's why.

 

I agree...sort of. some people will cheat no matter what.

 

Some people are unhappy however and make the poor choice at some point to have (or stay in) an affair. While WS owns that decision and the BS has no accountability for it. My only point is that in those cases, in a healthy relationship, a couple discusses and works through those issues. Actions can be taken to avoid circumstances like these.

 

I'm merely suggesting an evaluation of the type of affair a spouse had and encouraging a BS to evaluate their role in the marriage failing, not the affair itself, but the relationship. WS own the affair and all associated consequences, but often they occur in troubled (not healthy) relationships.

[Steadfast]

Unless we are dealing with a philanderer, no one goes out looking for someone to cheat on the spouse. It just happens. Like the other poster said, the opportunity presents itself and the WS takes advantage of it.

 

It's nice to know the Cheater's Handbook is still in circulation. This is priceless.

 

The most tragic aspect of this? The cheater's ego. Is it so hard to believe the faithful has opportunities? Let's cut the bull; most cheaters view the faithful as needy. But the cheater? They can't help being irresistible.

 

It just happens. The Patriarchal Lie printed in capital letter on page one.

 

Cheating, like remaining faithful or even love itself, is a decision. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to convince you of their justification process.

 

People on this forum need to stop lying to themselves and in turn, everyone else. There is no justification for betrayal. Just excuses.

[Steen719]

It's nice to know the Cheater's Handbook is still in circulation. This is priceless.

 

The most tragic aspect of this? The cheater's ego. Is it so hard to believe the faithful has opportunities? Let's cut the bull; most cheaters view the faithful as needy. But the cheater? They can't help being irresistible.

 

To themselves, anyway! Big egos and find themselves irresistible. Good Lord, any woman who works with men can tell you they have been approached and probably vice versa, so I am sure there are plenty of spouses said no plenty of times. I did.

 

It just happens. The Patriarchal Lie printed in capital letter on page one.

 

Cheating, like remaining faithful or even love itself, is a decision. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to convince you of their justification process.

 

Even when they take the blame, they say the BS caused it; not enough sex, too needy, don't spend enough time with them, spend too much money and on and on. What is wrong with telling your spouse that you want a freaking divorce BEFORE you find someone else? Afraid of what you will lose if you do, so you cheat and lie instead? What, tell me what other reason is there? You don't want to hurt your spouse, so you betray them instead? Believe me, that hurts worse.

 

People on this forum need to stop lying to themselves and in turn, everyone else. There is no justification for betrayal. Just excuses.

 

I understand that people are not perfect, but I get sick of hearing people say they were wrong to cheat....but....this and that caused me to do it. If you and your spouse have an agreement not to cheat on one another and you make the decision to cheat, YOU and YOU alone are the reason you cheated. Have the honesty to at least admit that it was how you chose to handle your marital problems. And, not all people who cheat are unhappy in their marriages. OK, off the soapbox for tonight, anyway.

[Steadfast]

What is wrong with telling your spouse that you want a freaking divorce BEFORE you find someone else? Afraid of what you will lose if you do, so you cheat and lie instead? What, tell me what other reason is there? You don't want to hurt your spouse, so you betray them instead? Believe me, that hurts worse.

 

You nailed it. It's human nature to cover your a$$ and if your actions result in hurting someone, it's residual damage. Most cheaters approach it like landing a job upgrade. It takes balls to toss your current earning situation into the wind before securing the upgrade, but it's more honorable. The difference is we're talking about a personal/emotional commitment that almost always includes innocent children and extended family. When the above thinking is applied to a marriage, it comes across as cold and heartless.

 

How could it not?

 

The real issue, IMO, is dealing with the guilt by justifying it. The situation is made worse by going public with the lie for support. Again, it's human nature to want that support, 'softened' by the ever-comforting "I'm only human".

 

Often forgotten is the betrayed that not only has to deal with the infidelity, but the confusing mass of bull$hit shoveled by the betrayer. It's evil.

 

What the cheater almost always fails to realize is; a coward's reward awaits. What one loses by betraying trust is far more than what's gained.

[Spark1111]

You nailed it. It's human nature to cover your a$$ and if your actions result in hurting someone, it's residual damage. Most cheaters approach it like landing a job upgrade. It takes balls to toss your current earning situation into the wind before securing the upgrade, but it's more honorable. The difference is we're talking about a personal/emotional commitment that almost always includes innocent children and extended family. When the above thinking is applied to a marriage, it comes across as cold and heartless.

 

How could it not?

 

The real issue, IMO, is dealing with the guilt by justifying it. The situation is made worse by going public with the lie for support. Again, it's human nature to want that support, 'softened' by the ever-comforting "I'm only human".

 

Often forgotten is the betrayed that not only has to deal with the infidelity, but the confusing mass of bull$hit shoveled by the betrayer. It's evil.

 

What the cheater almost always fails to realize is; a coward's reward awaits. What one loses by betraying trust is far more than what's gained.

 

This is the point that is often lost on cheaters: I was in the same supposedly loveless, flat, unappreciated and underloved marriage.

 

I did not cheat and I (a woman) had/always has ample opportunity to do so. It's like shooting fish in a barrel honestly.

 

While I can understand how those with weak boundaries allow themselves a million excuses to take the hundreds of steps down the slippery slope towards infidelity, it didn't just happen!

 

At some point you had to willingly FUEL the attraction, as oppose to ending it.

 

OP, you are at the perfect point in a long-term relationship to grow bored with your spouse. You need excitement. Make REAL effort to make your primary relationship more exciting, whether it be date night, romantic weekends away, a new hobby or pasttime you share with each other, etc.

 

Complacency kills more marriages than anything else. Boredom leads to affairs.

 

Re-invent your relationship before you lose it over the attentions and flattery of a stranger.

[Snowflower]

 

While I can understand how those with weak boundaries allow themselves a million excuses to take the hundreds of steps down the slippery slope towards infidelity, it didn't just happen!

 

At some point you had to willingly FUEL the attraction, as oppose to ending it.

 

 

This^^^

 

This is what is so hard for many BS to accept about their WS indiscretion and what is often so difficult for the WS themselves to explain...

 

Why didn't they stop the attraction?

 

Did they not understand the seriousness of their behavior (IMO, yes).

 

Did they not care? (probably not on some level)

 

That is the most difficult thing to "understand" about infidelity...what about those final steps. What the h*ll was the WS thinking? Why did their spouse, their marriage, their children, their life up to that point matter so little to be thrown away with that final step into the affair?

[beenburned]

Snowflower,

Yes, it takes many steps of bad decisions by BOTH the WS and the OP before it ends up a full blown sexual affair.

 

My FWH was SURE I would never find out he was unfaithful, with 3 different OW, because they were all conducted during normal work hours. 2 of them at the Op place of employment(1 deed in her car, the other deed in a back room), the 3rd demanded a motel room.

 

Most of his fellow co- workers also were cheaters whose wives had caught them and divorced them. They were the ones that called me and told me about my H. I was a SAHM with 2 small kids at that time.

 

I was aware that he was acting strange and had lots of unexplained anger towards me and the kids. But I couldn't figure out why. And whenever I asked him what was wrong he constantly said nothing.

[FelicityShot]

People cheat because they don't have the will power to remember it's wrong and they don't have the character to remember that it is hurting someone they claim to love. So, they are selfish, weak and forgetful.

That's why.

 

I like the simplicity of this post - and I think forgetful should read 'capable of putting out of mind'.

 

I read this thread a while back and thought, well, no point contributing because OP asked for reasons, and it became an argument about the impossibility of justification.

 

Which is a kind of default for many discussions here.

 

Today when I looked, I remembered something a novelist said in reference to a book he was writing. The book was told from the perspective of grouse - game birds. In the story, they spend their time wracking their brains about why these funny people in tweeds keep shooting at them.

 

When perhaps it may have suited the birds better to simply fly away. Hard when it's your home...

 

Anyway, motive is hard to decipher. And sometimes it's pointless to bother trying.

[tonguetied]

I would like to thank you all for your responses. I'm not sure I need to reply, at this time, but wanted to make sure you all know I am here, and I have been reading each of your thoughts and opinions. This thread has so far proven to be much more helpful for me, than any of the other avenues I have explored, thus far.

 

I'm not saying my head is on straight now, or that the problem is solved, but I know ultimately I have to make the right decision. The decision I've made for all these years has been to be faithful to my husband and enjoy our life and family. I do not wish to destroy our lives.

 

I don't understand why this attraction gets stronger every year, but I know I have to work harder than ever to keep it in check.

 

I absolutely mean it, when I say this thread, (all opinions and thoughts,) have been very helpful, and I truly appreciate everything you have all had to say.