tonguetied Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I'm not looking for excuses or justification, I want to know, what are the more common, and even less common "reasons" people have affairs. I am in a great relationship, married, with children, happily in love. We have great sex regularly and I feel after a decade we are stronger together than ever. What I can't figure out is why I am so very attracted to another man, and why I feel that I won't be able to suppress those feelings for the rest of my life. I have no desire to destroy my family and all of the great things we have. I would imagine I need some therapy or counselling to get to the root of my problem, there is obviously some underlying issues that I am not completely aware of. I mean, there has to be a reason why my mind wanders to this otehr man the way it does. It would be so much easier for me to accept and understand and hopefully deal with more appropriately if I just knew where it was all coming from.
reboot Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 No one is immune to attraction. People who value their marriage and their family above all else learn to remove themselves from temptation.
KathyM Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I'm not looking for excuses or justification, I want to know, what are the more common, and even less common "reasons" people have affairs. I am in a great relationship, married, with children, happily in love. We have great sex regularly and I feel after a decade we are stronger together than ever. What I can't figure out is why I am so very attracted to another man, and why I feel that I won't be able to suppress those feelings for the rest of my life. I have no desire to destroy my family and all of the great things we have. I would imagine I need some therapy or counselling to get to the root of my problem, there is obviously some underlying issues that I am not completely aware of. I mean, there has to be a reason why my mind wanders to this otehr man the way it does. It would be so much easier for me to accept and understand and hopefully deal with more appropriately if I just knew where it was all coming from. Some of the reasons people get into affairs: 1. Their sex life is absent or minimal in their marriage, and they are looking to get their needs met outside the marriage. 2. They are feeling emotionally disconnected from their spouse and are therefore open to having their emotional needs met outside the marriage. 3. The have emotionally checked out of the marriage, and are only staying in it for the kids or because of finances, so they feel free to engage their emotions with someone else. 4. They don't believe fidelity is necessary in a marriage, and they are interested in the variety of having sex with someone else. I'd say you probably fall under #4. I suggest you do get counseling before you end up indulging yourself and ruining your marriage and destroying your family.
Kidd Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I recommend you register at survivinginfidelity.com and post on the wayward side. All they do is discuss their "why." And if you're looking to be talked out of this, you'll see a ridiculous amount of remorse there and advice without being hit by a virtual 2x4. Don't give in to your temptation. The consequences are indescribable.
sadcalifornian Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Of course, there could be some underlying causes for your attraction to the other man. But, is there always a reason? You never felt attracted to George Clooney or any other hot actors on TV? So, is there a reason for such attraction as well? Of course, if there is some serous mental issue hidden deep in your psyche, that would strengthen your tendancy to stray. But, any normal healthy human being can get tempted and attracted by another human being. This is normal. What is not normal would be your utter inability to control or supress such feeling. A person with healthy self esteem and character would know to keep the distance when he/she feels inappropriate attraction. They know what out there is not good for them. If you see a drug seller, would you go near them? If you see a pedophiler? If you see a serial rapist? If you see a person you feel so attracted to and you know he/she would destroy your marriage and the future of your kids? Don't blame the attraction as this happens to everybody. Focus on why you are having so much trouble controling yourself.
Minnie09 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 It often has nothing to do with the M, but with the individual and their inner self. Some need a lot of attention and secrecy, the butterflies and the roller-coaster-feeling that is no longer there in a long-term M. Those people are filling inner voids. They are like addicts to cover up something that is not there within themselves. Finding someone attractive is normal, but constant daydreaming about somebody else, while you're in a committed M, is not healthy IMO. If the object of your secret desire makes the slightest move, you'll be trapped in an A, before you know it...
Kidd Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 If you really want more than just anecdotal internet advice (although some of it is truly excellent), get the book, Not Just Friends. I think every engaged couple should be forced to read it before marriage.
Spark1111 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 All good advice here! You have to specifically identify why you are attracted: How does this person make you feel? Important? Special? Intelligent? Attractive? Attention? What specifically? This can go a long way to discovering why you are thinking about him constantly and what you can do to make yourself feel that way and share it with your H too so he can try to help meet this need.
Ruby_shoes Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 If you really want more than just anecdotal internet advice (although some of it is truly excellent), get the book, Not Just Friends. I think every engaged couple should be forced to read it before marriage. Absolutely. This book was brilliant!
East7 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 OP, if you are happy in your marriage, the only reason that you are attracted to another man is CHALLENGE. You probably take your husband for granted and you are attracted to someone that is off limits. People always dream about things/people they can't have. Once they have them, they are less crazy about.
nofool4u Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I am in a great relationship, married, with children, happily in love. We have great sex regularly and I feel after a decade we are stronger together than ever. What I can't figure out is why I am so very attracted to another man, and why I feel that I won't be able to suppress those feelings for the rest of my life. Because you are fickle. I would imagine I need some therapy or counselling to get to the root of my problem, there is obviously some underlying issues that I am not completely aware of. I mean, there has to be a reason why my mind wanders to this otehr man the way it does. Yes, because you are fickle. And the fact you don't think you can suppress those feelings make you untrustworthy as well. Now I will say that its natural to think someone is attractive, but to think you might end up acting on it, especially when you say everything is great in your marriage, sex and all, says you are fickle. You want to mess around with someone new. You want that new feeling. People with that need shouldn't be married. It would be so much easier for me to accept and understand and hopefully deal with more appropriately if I just knew where it was all coming from. Why do people really stress about "why" they are the way they are as if there is some really deep meaning. Its simple, you want this guy because you are bored of being with the same person for a long period of time, regardless how good the sex is or how great your family life is. Some people can handle being married with kids, others cannot. I mean really, other than being fickle, what could the reason possibly be IF all else of what you said is true?
nofool4u Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Some of the reasons people get into affairs: 1. Their sex life is absent or minimal in their marriage, and they are looking to get their needs met outside the marriage. 2. They are feeling emotionally disconnected from their spouse and are therefore open to having their emotional needs met outside the marriage. 3. The have emotionally checked out of the marriage, and are only staying in it for the kids or because of finances, so they feel free to engage their emotions with someone else. She pretty much ruled out 1 through 3 by what she posted 4. They don't believe fidelity is necessary in a marriage, and they are interested in the variety of having sex with someone else. Although she is interested in sex with this guy (and yes, she wants sex with him even if she didn't say it), I don't believe, based on what she wrote, that she thinks fidelity is unnecessary.
nofool4u Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 There is only one other explanation I can think of. Validation by husband alone isn't enough. She wants to be validated sexually by another man. I got an idea, if you want to nip it in the bud, the first step is to tell your husband you want to jump in bed with this other man. Might even tell him who this other man is. That'll get the ball rolling.
frozensprouts Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I'm not looking for excuses or justification, I want to know, what are the more common, and even less common "reasons" people have affairs. I am in a great relationship, married, with children, happily in love. We have great sex regularly and I feel after a decade we are stronger together than ever. What I can't figure out is why I am so very attracted to another man, and why I feel that I won't be able to suppress those feelings for the rest of my life. I have no desire to destroy my family and all of the great things we have. I would imagine I need some therapy or counselling to get to the root of my problem, there is obviously some underlying issues that I am not completely aware of. I mean, there has to be a reason why my mind wanders to this otehr man the way it does. It would be so much easier for me to accept and understand and hopefully deal with more appropriately if I just knew where it was all coming from. it's hard to say why you have the feelings you do, as everyone is different and has different "life stories" that may explain their feelings and actions. I will say that I commend you for wanting to adress this before it goes any further.It's too bad people who end up cheating didn't think before acting. GEtting some counseling, both on your own adn as a couple may help you figure out what is going on and if these feelings are just a "pssing fancy" or if they signify that something more serrious is going on. good luck to you and yours:)
LoveTKO Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I'm not looking for excuses or justification, I want to know, what are the more common, and even less common "reasons" people have affairs. I am in a great relationship, married, with children, happily in love. We have great sex regularly and I feel after a decade we are stronger together than ever. What I can't figure out is why I am so very attracted to another man, and why I feel that I won't be able to suppress those feelings for the rest of my life. I have no desire to destroy my family and all of the great things we have. I would imagine I need some therapy or counselling to get to the root of my problem, there is obviously some underlying issues that I am not completely aware of. I mean, there has to be a reason why my mind wanders to this otehr man the way it does. It would be so much easier for me to accept and understand and hopefully deal with more appropriately if I just knew where it was all coming from. There is no need for therapy to get to the root of anything because you're not having a problem. The fact that you are in a happy marriage does not negate that human beings, by nature, are NOT monogamous . Monogamy is something you commit to during your wedding vows, but that does not mean that feelings for members of the opposite sex go by the wayside. Marriage doesn't change who and what we fundamentally are as people. Think of this way: you can make a conscious decision to not to eat ice cream anymore since you started a new healthy and delicious diet consisting of salad, lean chicken, and fish; however, this doesn't mean that your cravings for ice cream will disappear.
Steadfast Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 ...The fact that you are in a happy marriage does not negate that human beings, by nature, are NOT monogamous . Monogamy is something you commit to during your wedding vows, but that does not mean... True. You are, very clearly, at a fork in the road. You once 'felt' for your husband what you're feeling for this other man. 'Falling in love' makes us feel alive and desirable. Many, it seems, never get past this. But no matter how magical or intense new romance is, it will, eventually, turn into something else. No love is 'young love' forever. Where you are at proves again that ultimately, love is a decision. What you do with your feelings is entirely up to you, but I believe that true love is the kind of love that helps everyone and hurts no one. Perhaps you'll have more conviction in your decision if you ask yourself where all this will lead.
carhill Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 It's normal to be attracted to people other than one's spouse throughout one's life. How one processes that attraction is defined by one's psychology, generally a product of genetics, socialization and life experience. I saw the differences in that process when in a healthy and satisfying M versus an unhealthy and unsatisfying one (from my perspective). In your OP, you say that you have a healthy and satisfying M, and seek clarity about how to process attraction to others. If this is affecting your perception of your M, perhaps getting some perspective and tools from a professional might be helpful. Since you suggested that path in the OP, I'll join you in affirming it. Think of it as adding to your toolbox in life. More and better tools are good
Bryanp Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Just a thought but imagine: 1. Being a single divorced mom with children. 2. Seeing your husband remarry and having a life with someone else that you had. 3. Imagine your husband cheating on you behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's which is what you are contemplating to do. My suggestion is to talk about this with your husband and seek out individual counseling. People never really value what they have until they lose it. Good luck.
2long Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) Do you really want 2 be ruled by your hormones? And do you really think that you'll have these desires indefinitely? (People don't live that long). Try 2 understand the difference between feelings and commitments. Real love isn't a feeling, it's a conscious choice 2 be loving. I second the recommendation of "Not Just Friends" and will add another: "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility can make you a Happy Adult", by Frank Pittman. He talks a lot about what marriage is and isn't. And then there's this quote, though I don't know the source: "Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have." When you go 2 a counselor, ask them 2 help you understand why you don't seem 2 want what you already have - a good marriage and a happy family. Why do you think that having sex with someone else who you find physically attractive will make you happier? Do you imagine that it will also make your marriage happier and help your kids grow up 2 have healthy relationships themselves? -ol' 2long Edited December 6, 2011 by 2long
LoveTKO Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Do you really want 2 be ruled by your hormones? And do you really think that you'll have these desires indefinitely? (People don't live that long). Try 2 understand the difference between feelings and commitments. Real love isn't a feeling, it's a conscious choice 2 be loving. I second the recommendation of "Not Just Friends" and will add another: "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility can make you a Happy Adult", by Frank Pittman. He talks a lot about what marriage is and isn't. And then there's this quote, though I don't know the source: "Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have." When you go 2 a counselor, ask them 2 help you understand why you don't seem 2 want what you already have - a good marriage and a happy family. Why do you think that having sex with someone else who you find physically attractive will make you happier? Do you imagine that it will also make your marriage happier and help your kids grow up 2 have healthy relationships themselves? -ol' 2long She didn't imply that it will make her happier at all. She's just confused why--like 99% of the reproducing population out there--she's having sexual feelings and strong desires towards someones besides her spouse. I've been in a committed relationship for six years with someone I cared about a lot, but I was still having strong sexual urges to seek out other women. I didn't act on it...they were just there. Like craving chocolate ice cream or a beer.
2long Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 She didn't imply that it will make her happier at all. She's just confused why--like 99% of the reproducing population out there--she's having sexual feelings and strong desires towards someones besides her spouse. I've been in a committed relationship for six years with someone I cared about a lot, but I was still having strong sexual urges to seek out other women. I didn't act on it...they were just there. Like craving chocolate ice cream or a beer. Sorry, you are correct. I've been married just shy of 36 years. I've had a handful of serious crushes on other women while I've been married, but never acted on them (I ac2ally thought nobody knew, but 2 of the women did and so did my wife, but they never said anything 2 me at the time about it). Even2ally, within a couple years, those feelings simply fade away. My wife had an LTA that ended 10 years ago last month. I found out about it a 2ple months later. I still would never consider cheating, especially knowing what I know now. -ol' 2long
Mr_Confused Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I wouldn't over analyze this. You want something, you desire it - big deal. Don't act on it.... I want to drive 100mph when I am late. I want to eat cheesecake after every meal. Hell I want and desire a lot for things I don't do because of the consequences. Consequences in an affair are not always because you get caught.... You don't want to guilt hanging over your head. You don't want to betray yourself and what yous stand for. You don't want to look at a spouse that clearly loves you and carry that affair around inside you. Based on the way your described the situation...it sounds like you'll ultimately make the right decision. Don't let the attraction confuse you, acknowledge it for what it is, discard it, and be grateful you have a good marriage.
KathyM Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 She pretty much ruled out 1 through 3 by what she posted Although she is interested in sex with this guy (and yes, she wants sex with him even if she didn't say it), I don't believe, based on what she wrote, that she thinks fidelity is unnecessary. If she thought fidelity was necessary to maintain her marriage, she wouldn't be thinking of cheating. A lot of cheaters are of the mindset that it's not that important to be faithful, that a lot of people cheat, that what the spouse doesn't know won't hurt them, etc., etc. All stemming from the one mindset--that fidelity is not necessary in a marriage. People who consider fidelity as crucial to their marriage don't generally engage in affairs.
robf1971 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 . 2. Seeing your husband remarry and having a life with someone else that you had. Yep that's usually the time when cheaters 'realise' their mistake, especially if the new wife is younger, prettier and more intelligent than they are. Which almost invariably they are.
nofool4u Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 If she thought fidelity was necessary to maintain her marriage, she wouldn't be thinking of cheating. No, if she thought fidelity was unnecessary she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Cheaters know fidelity is a part of marriage (unless they are swingers and agree to it), but they cheat anyway. And if she TRULY doesn't think fidelity is necessary, then she can share her thoughts and desires of wanting to spread em to another man with her husband then, can't she? A lot of cheaters are of the mindset that it's not that important to be faithful, that a lot of people cheat, that what the spouse doesn't know won't hurt them, etc., etc. If it isn't important to them, and it should be acceptable, then there isn't any reason to hide it from the spouse.
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