When Gossip harms a relationship...and what to do about it.

[capitald]

I think malicious gossip or maybe gossip in general is harming my relationship. I think that my girlfriend trusts the wrong kind of people and that makes me nervous. I do not associate with the type of people that will confirm for me that all my fears are well grounded so that they won't lose me. I prefer more inpartial friends. I notice that many people will hear someone say my bf is so and so this way or does this terrible thing and people will just agree, mindlessly or otherwise, with that person because they secretly want to see that person's relationship break up. In our society, we are so much more in the direction of being ready to look for reasons to get ourselves out of a relationship than putting work into making things work. Time and time again, I think that is the biggest error people make in their personal and romantic relationships and I could use a thousand posts on this site to prove that. All the effort we put in complaining, keeping the person at arm's length or just generally pushing that person away, can be better used at making it work. The former really doesn't ever get us anywhere, where at least with the other we are building towards something.

 

People have enormous fears, I know that, but I sincerely try to work through them with my girlfriend to make it work. I know that in the end I may not be the right one for her or I may, but I know that in the end it doesn't matter so much who I choose but a)that I did choose someone and b)that we do right by each other to help each other achieve, celebrate the world and just generally love each other. I guess my point is that I realise that I can't do anything about who my gf associates with or what fears she has. I can only take responsibility for my own actions. I don't even look at those people as my enemies, if they care about my gf than that is good to me as well. On the other hand, if you are saying bad things to try and steal my gf away from me (if your a guy) or because your jealous (if your a girl), then we have a problem.

[sportsloving]

I think malicious gossip or maybe gossip in general is harming my relationship. I think that my girlfriend trusts the wrong kind of people and that makes me nervous. I

 

What is it you think her friends are telling her?

 

I notice that many people will hear someone say my bf is so and so this way or does this terrible thing and people will just agree, mindlessly or otherwise, with that person because they secretly want to see that person's relationship break up.

 

If someone is sharing details of their private lives, it is generally hard to contradict what they are saying because as we all know, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I don't believe people are secretly wanting to see a relationship break up, but more perhaps they a) are giving support by just listening, b) keeping in mind that it could be just a rant or vent session, or c) it matters not to their immediate life and therefore only paying half attention.

 

All the effort we put in complaining, keeping the person at arm's length or just generally pushing that person away, can be better used at making it work.

 

Sometimes people never even realize that is their behavior. I have been called a hard or cold person to get to know (ok so more than once). But it wasn't as if I was trying to be that way, it simply was based on the person and the situation. If I was on a first date, sure I am not going to tell you my life story. If I don't trust you (based on instinct) then I probably won't reveal alot about myself to you. And if I really wanted to be open and honest, the relationship I am currently in is the ONLY relationship where I felt I could actually let my hair down and be myself without the fear of judgement.

 

I don't even look at those people as my enemies, if they care about my gf than that is good to me as well. On the other hand, if you are saying bad things to try and steal my gf away from me (if your a guy) or because your jealous (if your a girl), then we have a problem.

 

Again what is it that they are saying that has you posting tonight?

[capitald]

If I knew I would tell you, I just have a feeling, intuition.

Anyway, its not that important, I just wanted to put my ideas on things out there.

[sportsloving]

I read your other post on gossip also.

 

In all honesty, there are any number of reasons that a person will start gossip. Most common are based out of jealousy, fear, unhappiness in their own lives or plain out just being mean.

 

With the situation of your girlfriend, I think you should remember this:

 

If she loves you, trusts you, and believes in you ... nothing anyone will say will/can change that. If she happens to fall victim to gossip, it might just be a proving point that she is not the one for you.

 

Best of wishes Capitald.