What would drive his ex to say something so extreme about him?

[Awkward Panda]

I apologize for the length, I just felt I should clarify the situation. This is the first time I've ever posted in a forum, so please be kind, I'm not the best with computers so bear with me. I've scoured the internet looking for a story similar to mine, but they all seem to be about the dumpee's point of view or leading up to getting the ex back (Why you would want to do that, I have no idea). This is from the point of view of the new girlfriend, and I need some insight on this situation. I know many of you will probably say it's none of my business, I should just ignore it, my boyfriend should handle it, etc., but I would simply like to know for myself what might possibly be going through this girl's mind.

I recently started dating a great guy, and he's everything I want in a person, cute, intelligent, mature yet fun-loving, and a kind, generous nature which I have personally witnessed for myself. I have seen him give the shirt off his back to help another, and I find this trait very admirable. In getting to know him, I've learned he was dumped by a girl 6 months ago, for an old friend of his. Him and this girl dated for 3 years, and I know it was a hard breakup for him; mutual friends of theirs have told me that he treated this girl like a queen, and confirmed that she indeed broke up with him for his friend; he was crushed. He went NC after the breakup, as she became wishy-washy and only wanted to be friends on 'her terms', and he wasn't willing to be a safety net for this new guy. He went through his preening process, got a promotion at work, bought a new car, and moved on.He admits that the situation is forgiven but definitely not forgotten, and only wishes the girl happiness.

This is where the trouble starts. One evening my boyfriend and I were watching a movie at my brother's house, who was sitting on facebook at the time. When he went to the bathroom, I playfully grabbed my brother's laptop and posted something funny, tagging my boyfriend's name and mine in the post. What I didn't know was that my brother had previously been commenting on the ex's status, and she took it as my boyfriend "making a desperate attempt to gain her attention". My brother, always the mediator, tried to remedy the situation by saying that he didn't think my bf would care to do that to her, as he is seeing me now. This had the opposite effect than he had hoped for, and within a few minutes of his post she sent my brother a long, drawn-out message. She stated that he should keep his eye on my bf, as he was terribly abusive to her, and made a point to say that she didn't leave him for someone else, she left because she was "petrified of him hurting her". She kept making comments such as "I'm not trying to play the vengeful ex game or anything", "I wish him the best, but..." and "I'm truly happy that he's moved on.", as if by saying it enough, it would make it true. Needless to say, my brother had been put into an awkward position and was quite angry, as my bf is his friend as well and was there for their breakup and saw what really happened.

My boyfriend was upset, because this girl knows how he feels about abuse, and he had never done anything to her to make her so vengeful. I calmed him and told him that she is trying to get a rise out of him, and has hit a sensitive spot knowing full well how he felt about that kind of thing. He has raised no red flags to me and his closest friends who have known him since childhood have confirmed this, so any chance of her telling the truth is moot. I believe this girl is trying to open old wounds; but as an outsider looking in, I'm confused about her reasoning. I do not feel threatened by this girl, I am very confident and I trust my boyfriend and feel for myself that he is truly moved past her. I cannot tell if this is an attempt on her part to get him back, or if she is simply trying to make his life miserable because she doesn't like that he's moved on from her. I have never heard anyone use accusations of abuse as a tactic in either case, as it seems a bit extreme. We are going to ignore this girl for now, but I have a feeling that she will only continue in the future; I've heard she's not the type to let things go easily. I can only hope she will grow tired of us playing the quiet game and leave us be.

I'm very interested in the psychological aspect of this, so any input you may have on that part would be great. Is there anything, as the new girlfriend, that i can do to alleviate the situation, or can I only sit back and watch what she does next? What is going through her mind; why would she say such things about someone SHE hurt? I have no interest in getting into a petty fight with this girl, and would like to avoid it at all costs. Again I apologize for the length. If there are any additional details I can provide, please let me know I would be happy to discuss the situation.

[shayla]

I think you should stay out of it.

You and your brother playing on the computer is what started this.

[Awkward Panda]

Neither one of us had any intention of upsetting this girl. My brother is friends with her as well, and they had been discussing college classes online together at the time. If I had known they were speaking to each other, I never would have put up a funny post with our names in it. I have no intention of exacerbating the situation, it was all an accident. I feel bad that I somehow managed to make his ex angry with him, and wanted to know if there was anything I could do to make this right. I do plan to stay out of it, I've never been in this kind of situation before and wasn't sure how to handle it.

I was curious, for myself, as to why she would slander his name so easily, I've heard of vengeful exes who have been dumped before, but never one who did the dumping and is now trying to make the dumpee miserable. I don't understand the motivation behind why a dumper would be so vengeful.

[flitzanu]

go along with it. ask her if she filed police reports, ask if she has evidence of bruises or cuts or anything, and if she ever went to counseling about it.

 

if she wants to lie, force her to prove something.

 

then on the same hand, maybe she WILL produce something and prove she isn't lying.

[D-Lish]

You mentioned that she said she wished your bf the best and is glad he's happy....

 

I don't know about other women, but I wouldn't never wish such good things on someone I dumped because I was petrified of him. I'd say good-bye and good riddance.

 

Just food for thought.

[Awkward Panda]

You mentioned that she said she wished your bf the best and is glad he's happy....

 

I don't know about other women, but I wouldn't never wish such good things on someone I dumped because I was petrified of him. I'd say good-bye and good riddance.

 

Just food for thought.

 

 

I felt the same way, that if he truly had hurt her, a normal person with any common sense wouldn't say these things. I've seen girls who say these kind of things to their target audience while gritting their teeth and a forced smile, always with a poisonous undertone. It's always been obvious in the past that they were being very passive-aggressive, but it's hard to tell through text of course.

[D-Lish]

Go with your own gut. If you haven't noticed any red flags, just tuck what this girl has said aside and continue to develop your relationship with your bf.

 

Don't let other people make decisions for you when you have the gift of your own insight to rely on.

[Awkward Panda]

@flitzanu, I know that when my brother calmed himself, he asked what exactly he had done to her to make her so scared for her safety, and she refused to name any specific instances and became very vague. He politely reminded her that her ex was his friend too, and that he didn't think he was that kind of person, and that it was very poor form of her to say such things when they both know it isn't true. She became very nasty and said she felt it was her "personal obligation" to see to it that he never treated another girl like he treated her, and that she didn't appreciate everyone "ganging up on her". I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, as it was just her and my brother speaking. At this point, my brother said he meant no disrespect and is simply trying to rationalize the situation, and quit speaking to her. I just want to understand why she would fly off the handle like that.

[D-Lish]

@flitzanu, I know that when my brother calmed himself, he asked what exactly he had done to her to make her so scared for her safety, and she refused to name any specific instances and became very vague. He politely reminded her that her ex was his friend too, and that he didn't think he was that kind of person, and that it was very poor form of her to say such things when they both know it isn't true. She became very nasty and said she felt it was her "personal obligation" to see to it that he never treated another girl like he treated her, and that she didn't appreciate everyone "ganging up on her". I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, as it was just her and my brother speaking. At this point, my brother said he meant no disrespect and is simply trying to rationalize the situation, and quit speaking to her. I just want to understand why she would fly off the handle like that.

 

Perhaps she is bitter and jealous?

 

I once had a bf's ex facebook me to tell me she was sure my bf was gay.

I didn't respond.

[flitzanu]

Perhaps she is bitter and jealous?

 

I once had a bf's ex facebook me to tell me she was sure my bf was gay.

I didn't respond.

 

yup. hate to say it, but some (SOME!!!) women tend to want to play the victim, regardless who it is of. i've been accused of some wild things myself, things that are VASTLY exaggerated and untrue. it's all about perspective. girls want their girlfriends to feel as horrible about their ex as they are themselves.

 

sorry, SOME GIRLs. not meaning to generalize.