Lilmisus Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 In the three months boyfriend and I have been together, we've been very happy, and have constantly shown (and told) of our love for one another. I truly feel like this is the guy I can spend the rest of my life with...but I'm not in any hurry to walk down the aisle or make any life-long commitments with him yet. He is constantly telling me that he feels the same way. Only difference is...he says things like "Is that how you want our wedding to look?" or "When we're older this is what I'm planning for our family." Whereas I say things like "For my wedding I'd like..." or something along those lines to show that I know that our future isn't definite yet. I am a firm believer that when you marry someone, it should be for life...and so I'm not about to jump into it just yet when we've only been together for three months. He says he feels the same..but he's just certain I'm "the one" for him. That all being said, I am constantly telling him how much I appreciate him and how wonderful he is to me. He is always putting me first, surprising me with little visits, bringing me random gifts, or just doing the little things that help build a relationship. He always says though "no I'm not...you don't really know me." I've known since the beginning why he's said this, but recently while tipsy he went all out in telling me why he feels this way (most of which I knew and have shared on here before). But here are a few reasons that I'm worried about our future. First. He's told me before that this is the first relationship where he hasn't had a "backup plan." He described to me all the "backup plans" he's had in past relationships, starting all the way back to high school, and telling me what went on with those girls. Not once did he cheat (I'm choosing to believe him on this one...all past girlfriends who he's still friends with believe he never cheated), but he did flirt and talk sex-talk to multiple girls while with others. These girls were considered backup plans because he knew he could get with them if things ever fell through for him and his girlfriend. He never made a move unless his at the time relationship ended, but it made him feel secure knowing the girls where there. He told me that he wanted me to know this so that I know exactly who he is and why he's not as "wonderful" as I say he is. He also told me everything that I would need to look out for if he ever started talking to any other girl. I told him that if I ever find out that he's talking to a girl who might be a backup plan for him, then that's it...I'm not playing games and I'm not about to get played again. According to him, the worst thing he's done is flirt/talk sexy to a lesbian who lives in Japan (I posted what he said a while ago), and that since she's a lesbian, it doesn't really count. I told him, lesbian or not, if she's a female...no talking like that...no question about it. As of now, he's shown he understands. I have a worry though that the fact that he doesn't have a backup plan now wont last for much longer...but unless he starts talking to other girls, how else do I go about "fixing" an issue that isn't there yet? Second. Though he's set on our future together, he's also set on me being with someone else before he's willing to take that next step. No matter what, we're waiting a few years to seriously talk marriage, but before he's willing to, he wants to know that I've been serious with other guys and that he's not just my first option. Though I was with my ex for almost a year, and dated other guys....he's my first serious relationship, and he doesn't like that fact..in fact he hates it. He's told me that if we broke up, that he wouldn't know what to do, where to go, or how to handle it, though he'd respect my decision..so I know this isn't him trying to make me break up with him...but how do you respond to this? Third: He's confessed that the one downside to our relationship is his inability to flirt with others anymore. He's a naturally friendly guy who most of the time doesn't realize that he's flirting cause it's how he talks and interacts with girls. He said that all our upsides to our relationship definitely make this worth it, but that he feels restrained from being who he really is when we're together and around girl friends of ours. This is really just me venting and throwing all this out there. him and I are completely happy still but These three facts worry me from time to time, especially when I have time on my hands to think. I know they're all legit worries and that he has yet to give me a "good" reason to worry or doubt his desire to be with me...but what are the best ways to go about any of these issues if you'd even call all of them that?
Lobouspo Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Sounds to me like you have done the appropriate thing by setting clear boundaries and letting him know what you will not tolerate. Your SO sounds like the type of individual that is great during the honeymoon phase of a relationship but once the novelty wears off or problems arise, he just goes to the store and gets something new, hence "his backup plan". How fully vested is he in the relationship? It almost sounds like he just assumes you guys will fall apart eventually if he is worried about not having someone else lined up. Some red flags for you to ponder for sure....good luck
Author Lilmisus Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 I think that you're right about him being good during the honeymoon phase then him looking around at the first sight of trouble. I mean, he said so himself that that's what was up. Something else to note, he's said since the beginning that he was worried that I'd break up with him. Not because he feels it coming, but because it's a worry of his. He doesn't want to risk making it come true though by talking to other girls or making me worry at all...which in all honesty, him telling me all of this and NOT talking to girls is probably the best thing for him to have done. Regardless...the worry is there. Even though he is always giving me the choice to look through is phone or Facebook, to show that he is completely sincere in his loyalty towards me. To answer your question though, he is almost fully invested in our relationship. The only ways to make him even more so at this point, is to have me meet his almost 2 year old son and his son's mother who don't even live here. But...neither one of us are ready for that yet.
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