bobbyhill Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 well, lets see....I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I was with my ex for 3 years, lived together 2 years, engaged for almost 2 years. Near the beginning of our relationship she studied abroad for 4 months in which we kept a good long distance relationship. While abroad, there was another guy from our university that she hung out with all the time b/c he was one of the few ppl that could speak english over there. I got jealous (not a jealous rage or anything) and told her how i felt. She told me there was absolutely nothing to worry about and she understands what I mean. Well, she gets back into the country and everything is going well. We move in together, get engaged and everything seems fine. She gets a job at the same place that guy works at, which I can't say that I liked that...but it I was okay with it as I totally trust her. 2 years go by and she hangs out with him all the time...but I see her as being totally innocent. I have known that the guy likes her as it is quite obvious and I have told her this but she insists it is not the case. I start to grow jealous again and she tells me over and over that there is no reason for it. One day, he starts ignoring her and she doesn't know why...it upsets her. I say it is because he likes you and he can't deal with it anymore. She doesn't think so. I tell her that she should talk to him so they can save their friendship....yes I trusted her enough to let a guy confess his love to my fiancee. So she talks to him and tells me I was right and that she was sorry she had put me through this. Two weeks later, she leaves me (just a month before she left me, she was talking about our kids names, how she knows our relationship will last etc.). A month after she leaves me, someone tells me she is in a relationship with him on facebook. It hurt to say the least. I had stayed NC thru the first month...then after she was in a relationship I called my brother being upset and he sends her a nasty email without me knowing. This upset her and she thought I had something to do with it...she sent me an email expressing her anger at me and also said "any chance of us getting back together is now over". It seemed highly unnecessary to say that (esp since it was her first day in a new relationship) but whatever. So i break NC to explain myself. I also told her that I had planned on waiting to talk to her when I got to the point where I would not have to bring up our failed relationship, but that now that we're talking before that I can't help but bring up all the ways she did me wrong. It has now been 5 months of NC and 6 months since the break up. I dont know what I really want to hear from you guys as I have read the forums a good deal and dont think i have made any major mistakes. Even as she left me I did not beg her or plead...i did cry though.. When i talked to her, I said nothing of her new BF, i didn't ask "why?" or anything like that...i simply told her how she wronged me (i also wish i hadn't had this conversation, but oh well). She texted me a question about one of our previous bills about 3 months after the breakup...I replied in a calm straight forward manner what she needed to know, nothing more or less (i dont consider this breaking NC). Well here it is 6 months after being dumped and I'm better...but not great to be honest. I would appreciate any advice/support. I do have one question, and I feel that I know what the answer will be: She has a little sister who is mentally handicapped. I had always gotten her a sesame street toy for xmas and once said that I will get her one every year. I am trying to decide whether or not I should send one to her this year. If I do, it would be addressed to her mom...with no return address and nothing hand-written to avoid her knowing it was me...b/c I would really prefer she not know....at least not for now. But I think she will probably know it was me. If she were to ever call me, I dont want it to be to thank me for sending her sister a gift...know what i mean? I know it probably isn't the best idea...and it should be HER reaching out and not me...as she already knows my feelings towards her (love). But I feel I should do this and continue for the years to come. Anyway, thoughts? opinions? advice? anything? again, i dont know what you guys can say that i haven't already heard/read...but i would appreciate whatever you can think of. thanks
Chi townD Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Tough call, but if it were me. I'd send the gift. I mean, it's to her disabled sister. It's not like your sending your Ex the gift. She's not even in the equation. You're just keeping a promise to a little girl. I wouldn't read too much into that and I seriously doubt you would stir up a hornets nest.
BoredAgain Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I feel like a heartless jerk saying this, but you probably shouldn't send the little sister a gift. When you break up with somebody you've been with for awhile, you sort of break up with their family too. I've gone through this twice, and it sucks because it's like you lose a whole group of people that you care about. However, there's sort of an understanding that your obligations to them are pretty much erased (unless you owe them money or something like that). Even if you promised her little sister a gift, chances are good that she wont remember anyway. And if you do send it, you'll just run into the same problem next year and every year after that. Unfortunately, cutting these ties to your ex is an important step. If you feel bad about it, there are plenty of charities that will accept your donation of a Christmas gift.
Author bobbyhill Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 thanks for the replies. well, i agree with both of you...and that seems to be my dilemma. knowing my ex, it definitely wont "stir up a hornets nest" but i am worried that it will provoke a response from her period. i have been patiently waiting in NC for her to call when SHE wants to call. I dont want her to be obligated to call me b/c of this act. does anyone know where im coming from here? if there were a way to send the gift and guarantee her not knowing it was from me, i wouldn't think twice about it. also, what BoredAgain said about her not remembering is definitely true...i know she wont remember me saying it...and probably didn't understand me when i told her in the first place...but i think that is besides the point. can anyone else weigh in on this?
foolishlover Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 my heart goes out to you bobby. That is a very sad story and i will be crushed if that happened to me. I just went through a similar situation but my ex would not admit it (emotional affair with another person). You do not deserve to be treated that way and especially when you gave her so much trust. She betrayed it and does not seem the least bit guilty for doing so. People who betray your trust and see no guilt in their actions are just not worth your time. They just dont get it. With regards to the gift...this might make me sound like a horrible person, but I wouldnt give it. As much as you are doing it for the little girl, deep down you are also doing it to reach out to your ex? It is unhealthy and will stop you from moving on. She has a new life now with a new partner. You dont want to be 'that guy' who just lingers around, taking the breadcrumbs that she gives you. My post sounds harsh, but you deserve so much more and to get that, you have to let go and move on. (as hard as that is) *Hugs*
BoredAgain Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 also, what BoredAgain said about her not remembering is definitely true...i know she wont remember me saying it...and probably didn't understand me when i told her in the first place...but i think that is besides the point. Actually, I don't think that it's beside the point. I know it's sort of a principle that we should all keep our promises. But if keeping a promise does more harm than good, then what's the point? Sure, you'd be making a little girl's (already happy) day slightly happier, but is it really worth it? Like I said, why not just donate a toy to charity and avoid the potential drama with your ex?
Author bobbyhill Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 So, I have decided against sending the gift. Not because I think it will cause any drama. I know that if she found out that it was me we would have a pleasant conversation. However, what I am avoiding is having to provoke some sort of response from her. If I get any communication from her, I would want it to be 100% of her own free will.
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