His current gf moved in with him

[stillhurt]

I know I shouldn't let any of what's going on in his life affect me. But, I just found out that his current gf recently moved in with him. As much as I would like for it not to affect me and my progress, it has. I have been strict NC since mid-Oct. Going to be 2 months soon.

 

What do I do? Everything about him is no good for me and I know that, but the disappointment still won't leave me. There is absolutely no way that he will ever come back, and even if he did that I would take him back. So, why and when will all of this leave me? The thing is that I am hurt that he chose someone over me.

 

I know I have talked about all this on this site before. But, day in and day out I still have a sense of hopelessness. In reality, I think I actually hate him now. I hate that he was a liar, an actor, a player when it came to my feelings in the aftermath of our breakup. I hate that her moving in even fazes me. I hate that I still feel anything when it comes to him. I hate that he was right in many aspects as to why we did not work. I was not a grown woman in many aspects and was not myself. This doesn't change the fact that he emotionally left me and used me for way longer than he should have. There are so many conflicting feelings that sometimes I don't know what to do.

 

I am just venting again. This is really upsetting.

[foolishlover]

there is no doubt that this will affect you. You both once shared such an intimate bond together, it is normal for you to feel the way you do.

 

NC for 2 months is actually not a very long time, so it is expected that your mind will still be thinking of the ex. Take the time you need and take each day as it comes.

 

I know exactly what your going through with my recent break up. Signs of the ex moving on is extremely cutting and brutal, but this is what happens. You should let out all your emotions, have a cry here and there and then pick yourself up and look after you.

 

I know its hard not to let it get to you, but you have to focus on your life now. What he does is his choice.

 

PLus you are smart enough to recognise that he is not good for you. Use this time to reevaluate why he wasnt good for you. You broke up for a reason, and this is the time for you to regain the person you were.

 

Plus if he is moving in with his new gf 2 months after a break up, it is more than likely a rebound relationship. (Not that im saying you should hold hope of him coming back).

 

Try to take care and keep ur mind off him

[M2155]

Hi Stillhurt, I'm sorry you're stillhurt but it's only been a couple months so don't feel bad for letting it get to you. I was still obsessing over pictures of my ex and his current GF around that time and any reminders of them would bring me down. I think she is moving in with my ex too and is all mothered up to his daughters (he hardly let me get close to them). Like you though, I began to kinda hate him. Now I'll never hate him, but understand that I hate what he did and slowly come to the point where I feel like there is someone out there who won't lie to me or treat my feelings so carelessly. I became more angry at myself for caring that I still cared and sitting home sad when he was living his life. It's normal. I think 756 miracles would have to happen before my ex and I could be together again so I've gave up on that fantasy (besides I don't want to be his #2) and eventually regained my confidence and focused on me. But I'm 4-5 months now, it takes time. You will get over this!

[reallypo]

Wow, u just wrote the story of MY life: broke up mid oct, he dated very very soon after, like literally a day (I consider that having emotionally cheated on me). Been feeling GOOD for past 4 weeks, concentrated on myself, lost 5lbs...(have only 5 more to go), bought new clothes, makeup (these are all signs of me feeling better). But found out ex and his new gf are pretty serious. I, like you, hate him and will NEVER be back with him....but feel like CRAP that he dumped me for her! Makes me sick still! Just when I think I'm over it, I can't help but feel mad! I'm haven't lost the feeling of wanting to focus on me, but information of THEM boils my blood. OP, I'm glad u put this out there. I'm too am curious why is it we feel this way. One of ur responders says, it hasn't been too long. So fine, I agree. But for those people who have gone thru this, plz tell us when we just absolutely can give 2 shiddigs about THEM anymore? wish there was a magic pill that makes these resentfull feelings go away asap!

[shayla]

You are only human, and it's natural that you would have feelings over all this. Those feelings will fade with time, I promise.

 

It took me a year, so a couple of months to me isn't enough time to get over someone, especially when you were treated so badly.

[reallypo]

A year? I'm glad ur over it, but by golly that's so long! I haven't had contact with the ex over a month, but I'm gonna make a conscious effort to learn no new information about his life. I need to not care asap!

[M2155]

I'm gonna make a conscious effort to learn no new information about his life. I need to not care asap!

This was actually one of the hardest parts. You don't want to know but you want to know. As my ex is very present on social media, I have to force myself not to care/look because I know it will kill my mood.

Belive me I was sooo angry and even now those triggers will still bother you, but it will affect you less and less over time.

[stillhurt]

Reallypo, I have been strict NC with him for almost 2 months, but we broke up in February. He was still convincing me to get back with him in March when all of a sudden he started dating this woman. It was my first relationship and I made every possible mistake I can make with this person. He took advantage of the fact that I was so naive when it came to relationships. I struggled with letting go, and every time I came close to feeling better, he would reach out. He strung me along while I thought he actually cared.

 

I am only now learning that I cannot respond to a user such as he. He will continue to use me if I allowed it. I am the one that needs to stop. Everything the relationship meant to me is now gone. That is what makes me depressed and sad. I really let myself down. I cringe when I think back on how I was this weak woman who tried everything to hold onto someone like him. How could I have let someone treat me this way? And, still care what the hell is happening in their lives? He wanted me to move in 6 months into our relationship and I thought it was too fast. But, now I sometimes doubt my past decisions. I can only hope that it was my instinct telling me that he is not who he really claims to be.

 

How do you guys just shut it off? I have good days, but night time is the worse. It's at night that all the things start running through my head and I have to punch the pillow to shut them out.

[shayla]

A year? I'm glad ur over it, but by golly that's so long! I haven't had contact with the ex over a month, but I'm gonna make a conscious effort to learn no new information about his life. I need to not care asap!

 

I think it all depends on how long you were together. And how bad the break up was. We were together for 3 years (2 years and 10 months to be exact) and he dumped me and married another woman 2 months later.

 

So yeah it took a long time to get over.

[geegirl]

It's normal to feel this way Still. All you can do with your emotions is to feel them and let them pass. It is never an indication that you are failing or stagnating when you feel bad. It's part of the grieving process. Just don't act on those bad feelings.

 

I can understand the feeling of being replaced. I'm sure you're invalidating yourself by feeling she is better than you because he went as far as letting her move in. That's all nice but you have to keep remembering and reminding yourself who he is. She's is dealing with the same man that manipulated you. And he will manipulate her. The difference is you escaped. You don't see that now. You believe she got herself a prize. She didn't. He was cheating on her with you.

 

Moving in means nothing. Remember who she is moving in with. Who he is means everything. And that is what you need to keep focusing on. And trust me, who he is will always rear it's ugly head and she will by no means get more of a man than what he was to you.

 

It doesn't just switch off. It's a gradual fading of feelings. And that will take time. At night, when your head starts to run, take a book and read it. Turn on a funny movie. When you start thinking of him, snap your mind out of it. Don't let your thoughts take over. You have to control them. If you set your mind on one channel, it will stay there. Change the channel.

Edited December 5, 2011 by geegirl

[stillhurt]

Thanks GeeGirl. I like that. Change the channel. I always struggle to get my mind off of it. Then I get confused. If we are supposed to grieve it, aren't we supposed to go over it and come to some sort of closure? But, if we change the channel, aren't we just suppressing our feelings of hurt and anger?

 

For me, I have really been trying not to dwell on any of it too long. Him letting her move in really means nothing. He is someone with no real boundaries. He doesn't see it as big of a deal as most people do. Or maybe that's what I want to think now. You see? It's all very confusing! I question myself a lot these days. It's like I am trying to see the mistakes I made, understand them, so I can move on and not make them again. Like, why didn't I move in when he asked me 20x? Is it because his words were always prettier than his actions? Did I expect too much? Where did I go wrong? Or do I just have trust issues? Maybe if I had trusted him a little more things would be different. A break up is insane since it has forced me to question every aspect of my life and my relationships with everyone. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with because it's so emotionally draining. I get answers, but then the what if's throw me for a loop and it starts again.

[geegirl]

I think there's a difference between analyzing what went wrong versus obsessing. If this was your first break up with him, granted, there would be a ton of questions because you'd have a hard time connecting the dots. But you've been back and forth with him several times and by now, you should be getting a clearer picture of what the realities are as to who he is and the type of R that you were in. Most times, you will never find the answers you need when it comes to justifying or analyzing another person's behavior. You have to find acceptance and you do see who he is but your emotions get the best of you. And that is perfectly normal but you have to gradually start reprogramming your mind into thinking, rather than feeling, at some point.

 

You've been through the mill with this guy. Yes, feel your hurt and anger but don't let it overcome you. You can keep doing this every night but at some point it becomes obsessive. That is where you need to draw the line. That is when you change the channel.

 

It's good that you are being introspective. You're finding awareness and trying to learn from your mistakes. But all that means nothing when you're banging your head wondering why you didn't move in with him when he asked you 20 times. Again, turn it around when you get a thought like that and ask yourself, rationally, why would you have wanted to move in with someone of his nature? Moving in is a big deal. There has to be a certain level of commitment, at least for me to make that step. And I would believe so for most people who are emotionally healthy. What does commitment mean to him when he's asked a girl to move in but doesn't see the corruptness in cheating behind her back? And do you believe that moving in with him would have solidified his commitment to you? I hardly believe so.

 

This guy is pretty clear cut. You can do all the analyzing you want but at the end of the day, his actions are pretty clear.

 

Maybe instead of analyzing what you should have done to make it work between the two of you, snap yourself out of it and ask yourself what your expectations are going to be moving forward. What boundaries are you going to set for yourself after lessons from this breakup? What does trust mean to you when you allowed yourself to be treated this way? What about you allowed yourself to be manipulated this way? Try to stop doing the what if, maybe, if only...it's normal to ponder on those questions but don't stay there too long. And this is when you have to change the channel. Thinking rationally and realistically because thinking emotionally, and especially when you already know what you've been dealing with will keep you stagnating.

 

You get the answers and the "what if's" throw you off. Actually, you don't have nor have you gotten the answers. That is why you can't hold on to what you believe are your answers. That is why you contradict your answers because they aren't answers. This is why you will keep dwelling and obsessing. You're looking for something that isn't there.

 

What you do know is that he was not a healthy partner. He manipulated you and in the end treated you horribly. What if's won't change who he is nor would it have changed your relationship.

 

It's good that this break up is forcing you to question who you are. It's time you start re-inventing yourself so you don't make the same mistakes again in the future. It's normal to feel the anger and hurt but don't let it eat away at you. At some point you have to turn the focus back on you. You will not find your answers. You can come up with conclusions of your own, but answers, no.

[stillhurt]

GeeGirl, I really appreciate your reply to my posts. They have been nothing but helpful.

 

It's true that my emotions and my head are in a constant war. The emotions make me feel like Debbie Downer and I have to put up a front so I don't affect those around me.

 

It's like I know that this guy is horrible, but many times my heart can't face it or accept it. It makes me question myself. Like, how could I continue to do the what if's when his actions have already given me a clear cut answer? Am I dense? That's what runs through my head.

 

I met a new person recently and we've become fast friends. We were talking about past relationships. I didn't bash my ex, but told them shortly what occurred, none of the cheating, but most of why we broke up. This new person immediately said, this guy is weak and has no character.

 

Even people that I have just come to know can tell me straight out that I escaped and am lucky to not be with someone like him. For me, it's so weird. I have absolutely no urge to contact him...but I still am looking out for him in the neighborhood, still checking my email,still sickly hopeful, still getting teary eyed. I realized lately that I am crying for the hurt that he caused me rather than missing him. I am crying for myself. Often times now, the thought of him sometimes makes my skin crawl and I just want to wish all sorts of evil things on him. But, then I look out for him in our old hang outs. And, my mind goes WTH! I am trying not to obsess, but it's really difficult. I think I have to start meditation of some sort to help control my mind.

[maryslamb]

It has now been a month and a week since the b/u.. about 3 weeks of n/c

Its still hard on me, I guess because I feel overwelmed that I should have heard something from the ex already. Or I have been hoping that to hear something from him.

 

Someone posted the question about when does it get easier. One thing I can say is that you have to allow it to get easy. I have learned not to allow myself to get hurt. I get the urge toc heck the ex on a social network site and see if he's with someone or what he's up to. Whenever I am about to type his name, I start getting anxiety. And that when I realize I'm not over him yet.

 

Don't allow yourself to know what's going on with the ex. If you have mutual friends, don't allow them to update you on the ex, as well as don't ask.

 

As much as it hurts but I realize I'm not a part of the ex life. And I don't need to know what's new going on with him, nor does he have to tell me.

 

I'm working hard on my n/c and I'm bettering myself everyday.

 

Just recently I was speaking to a friend about the ex. And I started to cry. She was in disbelief that I was still very emotional about a guy who has cold heartedly kicked me out his house. (Which I understand) but her advice was 'call him' I wanted answers as to where I stood with him, which he'd already told me 3 weeks ago he needed a break. But I just wanted him to know I love him and miss him. Her advice was ' you are already crushed, so what's the worst you can lose'

 

Needless to say I didn't contact him. I know in my hear I'm not ready

 

Sorry if this post is all over the place but stillhurt, try not to worry about what the ex is up to. I want to find out if someone has moved in with my ex, if he is seeing someone seriously, ,if he's back with his ex, but I don't need to know that info. It would just hurt worst.

Edited December 7, 2011 by maryslamb

[geegirl]

And everything that you are feeling is completely normal Still. My ex was the epitome of toxicity. I caught him in the act with another woman. I was devastated. Broken to pieces. Raging with anger. The next morning, I remember feeling sad and wishing I was spending the holiday with him. I remember my gf saying to me, "Your skin should be crawling after seeing that." But when the heart feels, the heart feels. When the heart can't accept, it won't accept.

 

I knew my ex was a horrible person. One moment I would be adamant about never letting someone like that ever enter my life. The next moment I would be crying wishing he would love me and want me. The head and the heart at war. Emotional detachment takes time. You are not dense. You are emotional.

 

People on the outside can see things clearly because they have no emotional investment in your ex. So they see him for who he is. When my gfs used to bash him, I would defend him. Looking back now, my judgment was clearly clouded by my emotions. Now, my skin crawls, period. And that is what you are going through. It's a process.

 

That need to want to catch a glimpse eventhough you don't want to contact is also normal. He is in the forefront of your mind and so you're always on guard, on the edge, thinking, thinking, thinking. On the lookout. And as bad as he is, you still have hope. And that hope is for him to accept you and validate you and that in turn will help you believe that you meant/mean something to him. That will help soothe and comfort you from those negative feelings that you have and believe in. It's all normal to feel this way. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way but commend yourself for not wanting to reach out and repeat those destructive patterns. If you keep beating yourself up, you will keep feeling defeated.

 

Reward yourself for staying on the right path. Break-ups are not easy to get over, and what's worse than that is detaching from toxic Rs. It is going to take time. You will battle between mind and heart. But remember that what you feel is not an indication that you're stagnating, or not progressing/healing, etc. This is exactly what you will go through in your healing process.

[stillhurt]

Many times when I look back I almost laugh and cry at my stupidity. When he drunk dialed me the last time, I should've just left it alone. Instead I restrained myself for 48 hrs, called him and talked him to deaf.

 

He said that he was changing his # because of his new job, and asked if I wanted the new #, whereby I replied no. A lot of times, I feel like he reacts the way he does, because I tell him that I am trying to get over him, and want to be over him. So, he reacts by saying he wants nothing to do with me. I know him well enough to know that his mentality is very much a "well...if she wants nothing to do with me....well f*@# her" And, mentally, that is where I am, but then I turn myself into a jackass. I freaked out the last time, called him and said that maybe we are both making mistakes, but then freaked out again when I realized that I was out of mind. Let's just say I got advice from an ignorant friend. As a result I sent him a final email telling him that I know what his decision was and I respected it. That I will let everyone, most importantly myself move on. That he must think me a fool, but I will no longer let myself be an option to him. That was my last contact with him, almost 2 months ago. He sent one more email to me saying that he doesn't think we are right for each other, and that he has decided to move on. He said this was something that I had to do on my own. Every time I think about that I want to kill myself. I gave him all the power to say when to cut contact. That he used me until he was ready to move on. I don't believe for one moment that he was doing it for me. You know what it feels like? It feels like he was seeing if he made the right decision...and every time he came back...he was like...you know what...I was right to leave her. That's what it feels like. I was tossed away like garbage and I let him do it more than once. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you get treated like that, and allowed it.

 

Everyday, I regret that I continued to believe and hope in this person that hurt me so deeply. I wanted to believe in him so badly I lost my self respect. Meanwhile, I was nothing to him. Was, is, will always be nothing. Was nothing ever true in his actions? Was it truly all a game? A game where I lost horribly.

 

For those who are reading this pathetic post, this is why you don't try to find out what is going on with your exes! There is no upside to it. It will only bring you more pain and restrict you from moving on. I have been in a ditch of crap since I found out she's moved in. I care, but I don't. I seriously can't wait for the day where I wake up and he does not cross my mind.

[geegirl]

Beating yourself up because you believe "if only" you reacted in certain ways is futile Still. You could have done things so many different ways with so many different outcomes. You reacted based on how you were feeling at that moment. Your emotions at the time were fueled by hurt, confusion and love and not by what you felt 2 months later. We've all reacted in one form or another that we're certainly not proud of. I can still think of a few. We've all been there. If we all could react based on hindsight, it would be a perfect world. You did what you did and you realize that there are behaviors that you are not proud of and while it's a painful lesson, it's a lesson needed for what's ahead of you. You both played games, trying to provoke reactions and responses from each other. If he didn't cut contact, you'd certainly be stuck in the same rut because I hardly believe you would have been able to do it first, if this is about power plays. Whatever his motives, the day he released you was a blessing in disguise, and you'll see that one day. If he hadn't, could you honestly say that you would have had the gumption to walk away?

[stillhurt]

Yes, it's probably true that I would've let him string me along. I now know that I was spineless when it came to him. I was living my life after our breakup, but now I know that I was secretly just waiting for him to come back. And, as soon as he did, I was there. Predictable and pathetic. Trying to be supportive of his new relationship, and thinking that our conversations were not hurting anyone. Then things got crazy and I lost my self respect and dignity, all the while knowing, deep down, that this man does not love me. One of the hardest thing for me to discover and accept during this period was that for him, it was mostly about the sex. In the aftermath of our breakup he has reduced what we shared to only sex. It seems like nothing about our relationship or me, stood out except for that. That has hurt deeply. While I thought we had a partnership, all I really was to him was a good lay.

 

He played the good guy act when he felt like it and I ate it up each time. I can say I tried. I truly tried. I took chances up to the very last second because I did not want to believe that human relationships were really that frail. When I called him and left that final message, it was me still believing that if you love someone you don't believe the worse in them. I was trying to say that I was not perfect and neither was he, but that maybe we were both struggling because there is something there that we should be fighting for. Then I woke up from my romantic, delusional thinking. He and I can never go back because he manipulated me into sleeping with him all the while acting like he never wanted to be a part of it. After it happened, he actually confessed that he had hoped that it would happen. That it was the reason he wanted to see me. Today, he scares me. He can pretend to be this great guy, and once he got what he wanted, he will slowly tear you down piece by piece. I think the pain of what he did and said to me will stay with me forever. In many ways, he has scarred me.

 

You are right, I want validation. I both fear and hope that he will reach out. His last words to me were that he wanted nothing but the best for me and asked me to trust him on that. But, I want the satisfaction of knowing that I can resist anything he tries next time. I want to prove it to myself and him that I am strong enough now to not engage in anything coming from him. And, I know it shouldn't matter. But, I think I would get some self respect back if I can ignore him. I am starting to feel that the meaning of this break up is for me to finally be brave and discover who I really am. I had boundaries, I had integrity and they were healthy and strong, but my breakup tore them to shreds. I now know, that those boundaries were never truly tested. I want to make sure that no matter what happens in my future, I never let someone drag me down with them. That I can stand my ground no matter what lies I am fed. I have to learn to see everyone in my life clearly and react in the appropriate way.

 

I am sorry for the long posts. But, it's only on this website that I can truly say what I am still feeling and what I am going through. I do not want to annoy and burden those around me. I bite my tongue every time there is a mention of my breakup since I can still tear up. Thank you all for putting up with these long winded posts.