Is she gone forever?

[Caruso]

Hey everyone,

 

I really need some support, things have been really sower in my life lately, where to begin.

I have been with a fascinating woman for around 3 years. Throughout the relationship, she was always chasing me, very resilient in trying to make our relationship work, being understanding, etc.

She fell in love with the outgoing, charming, and sensitive person I am. Unfortunately things just started snowballing. Built up resentment has caused us to not sleep together in a year, she is truly gorgeous. The resentment on my part stems from lots of things, from her not listening to me, what I thought was flirting with other men when really she was just being amiable, etc.

Once evening I commented on her physical attributes, to make a long story short she was left with the notion that she was over weight. I did not come out and deliberately call her any offensive names, but things were obvious.

This was never a problem before, and the love making had always been passionate. Insignificant things started becoming an issue.

This was very very traumatizing for her, especially since we lived together for more than half a year.

 

We went from going everywhere, from symphonies, to parties, to family occasions, to absolutely no where.

I'll never forget the last night she asked me to go to her friends for the fireworks in NYC, I was a recluse and we walked our separate ways into the night.

She lives in NY and does very well for herself, originally from Canada but now school and a specific VISA has guaranteed her work in the fashion world.

I also graduated from school in NY, unfortunately I wasn't eligible to begin my job with Nickelodean and am now back in Canada.

Long distance isn't an issue and never has been in our relationship, it actually made things stronger.

 

She has went through a lot of mental abuse, and now she is finally happy, with a million prospects in New York, from men, to career choices.

I had so many opportunities to make things work, I never wanted to vent about anything.

Last week we finally had the first sentimental in depth conversation ever. She understands and forgives me for everything, but it seems she is happy and said she is ready to move on.

I don't love easily, and as cliche as this sounds, I will never love again for many many years. I've become A sexual.

 

I must admit I've been overwhelming for her since our conversation, flooding her phone with friendly and sometimes love messages, indirectly begging for her back. Her mom is visiting and she was upset I didn't respect her time and space. I sent her a message this morning apologizing for my actions and that I would stop trying to get a hold of her.

 

It's been so long since I've chased her, and after so long of her chasing me I just figured she would appreciate it, but it seems she is truely over me.

A few nights ago she called me because her heart hurt, and needed me to aid her to sleep over the phone just by being there, but this doesn't necessarily mean anything. She has also sent me "I love you" messages, but most likely just as a friend as she stated. I forgot to add that this has been a clean and civil break up, she was just not willing to work things out on an intimate level but want's me to remain in her life. After my last load of messages last night she told me to stop messaging her and that we would talk after her mom left back home, which I feel was a way to get me off her back.

 

She is coming home for Christmas for about a week late December, I can only hope she calls. I wrote her a conventional letter, in writing, with a puzzle of an old picture from two years ago. I know, pathetic.

I think I am ready to lay off the messages, I am just petrified of what will happen and that it's too late. I've already seem messages of her wanting to make plans to see a symphony with a man, which is none of my business, but devastating because I could never attend one with another woman on matter how much I loved her.

 

Anyways, that's my story, thank you for listening.

 

Marc

[ZimboGon]

My piece of advice would be to stop messaging her so much and constantly being there for her, or else she won't think much about it and take it all for granted. If she knows you want her, will wait for her, ect it won't work out.

[BoredAgain]

Her mother is right, you need to give her space. More importantly, you need to take space for yourself.

 

You say that "she was just not willing to work things out on an intimate level but want's me to remain in her life." I understand that you want to be a part of her life, but do you think this is healthy for you? You seem to be there for her needs (e.g. you mention her calling you to aid her sleep), but she's not there to meet your emotional needs. Do you think you deserve to be treated like this?

 

You should probably go "No Contact." Stop contacting her until you're over the relationship. Work on yourself. Build up your self confidence, become more independent, branch out to new friends, etc. In the end, you'll be a happier and better person.

[Caruso]

Her mother is right, you need to give her space. More importantly, you need to take space for yourself.

 

You say that "she was just not willing to work things out on an intimate level but want's me to remain in her life." I understand that you want to be a part of her life, but do you think this is healthy for you? You seem to be there for her needs (e.g. you mention her calling you to aid her sleep), but she's not there to meet your emotional needs. Do you think you deserve to be treated like this?

 

You should probably go "No Contact." Stop contacting her until you're over the relationship. Work on yourself. Build up your self confidence, become more independent, branch out to new friends, etc. In the end, you'll be a happier and better person.

 

 

I'm an anhedonic and picky person despite having a lot of things going for me and am pretty independent/confident. I guess I'm being dependent on her love atm because I know how difficult it is for me to connect.

I can have everything going for me in life, be appreciative and thankful, but I'll never get that part of my back, for decades anyways.

 

As for remaining in her life I guess it's not healthy. That was only one night I talked her to sleep, I realistically/genuinely do not see that happening again.

[BoredAgain]

I'm an anhedonic and picky person

 

Is it possible to work on these problems? If so, it'd be worth focusing on that. If not, I'm sure there are other ways to improve your life - branch out, get new hobbies, try new things, focus more on work, etc. There's always some room for improvement. The rule of thumb is that the better you are as a person, the better relationships you can have in the future.

[Caruso]

I have all of that and have tried to focus on many things, I've even talked to a psychologist about my anhedonia.

She brought out something in me, that my ex ex could never do, despite that relationship being really childish.

 

The only reason I was able to get into this relationship was because we knew eachother from 2005, we were good friends and had lots in common, same views, same everything. I knew if this relationship didn't work out, it would be ages until I stumbled into another one, no matter how good my life was.

[Caruso]

I'm trying really hard not to call or text right now. Losing my mind. Priorities and trying to keep busy is making it worse.

[BoredAgain]

I'm trying really hard not to call or text right now. Losing my mind. Priorities and trying to keep busy is making it worse.

 

Well, here's a trick that worked for me: Write down exactly what you want to say or text, and hold off for 24 hours. After these 24 hours, look at what you wrote and consider, "Do I really want to say this?" The answer is almost certain to be, "no."

 

The good news is that if you're able to resist the urge to call/text, then it will be easier to resist that urge in the future. And it will get easier and easier until you feel no desire to call or text at all.

[EgoJoe]

What she has said and done is really selfish. You are not an emotional airbag. When she texts you say, "Who do you think you're fooling? Stop texting me."

 

Until you get your head right, she needs to go in ALL ways. She wants space but doesn't give it to you...Yah, because that is fair.

[Caruso]

I've tried that technique, it works sometimes.

 

If I hadn't called she wouldn't have been needy, it's just been my resilience. I'm dreading christmas, I was really close with her family and probably won't be spending it there this year. This is so detrimental